Am I living wrongly because I suffer so much? updated 2023]

[raquellexxx]

Hello. I am a 26-year-old girl who feels completely alone, devastated, exhausted, and unwilling to fight anymore. Please, don't judge or insult me as this is the last thing I need since I try my best fight and heal my invisible wounds. I am a believer who lives neither in America, nor in England, nor in a country where there are Protestant churches. It's no secret where I live, but I just prefer not to go into such details. However, thanks to the Internet, I started following profiles of Christians in social media - people who inspire me with wisdom and their life. Unfortunately, due to many reasons and obstacles in my life, I will never be able to live abroad and experience such type of life. And this weighs on me too.

However, the reason I turned to you for valuable advice, even though I go to therapy, is because I always believed that you are a great source of support, lack of judgment, and a shoulder to lean on.

I know that no one has a perfect life and everyone has problems. But I feel like my problems are endless and I will never be truly happy. I had many problems with my appearance, health, and life in the past that I managed to overcome by myself. BUT my biggest problem that terrifies me is that I am 26 years old and I will never find the right person and true love. Boys always preferred someone else instead of me and they almost never been interested in me, although my friends say that I have a great character and I am beautiful. All my friends already have long and happy relationships, and so far, I've only had one. While looking in the profiles of Christians in social media, I often see how they define themselves ''blessed and happy people without big problems, to whom God often sends miracles'' They find the love of their lives in a unique way in their early 20s. They build big and happy religious families, which we often see in beautiful photo sessions. They have many amazing and loyal friends.

And even though I know the comparison is bad, I can't help but take a look at my life. I am 26 years old and so far, I have only had one relationship. There is no prospect of meeting the right person anymore, because the places where people meet their loved ones, are impossible for me. I graduated from college, there are no men in my work, and I have 2 girlfriends who also don't go out in big companies. I don't think I've done anything so bad in my life, nor am I a bad person, and I really don't know why nothing good happens in my life. I also pray to meet the love of my life, to have a strong and happy family, but unlike believers in social media, miracles don't happen to me. On the contrary - I'm alone and I don't think I ever have a chance to meet the right person. My parents are not interested in me, my dreams are shattered ...

All these years, I have struggled with my problems and unhappiness all by myself, but now it really becomes too difficult and I can't stand it, I don't find meaning in life.... I even start thinking that I'm cursed or born to be alone and unhappy, while so many people around the world, especially my age ALREADY have wonderful families and a happy life full of miracles. Please, from the bottom of my heart, I go to therapy, but I would love for you to give me a piece of advice or just an opinion, because I really feel shattered, exhausted and I can't anymore ...

Edited March 5, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Get off social media.  Those on line Christians are fakes.  They are not following the Lord if they were, they would not be bragging.  Pride is one of the 7 deadly sins. 

Since you are spiritual pray that God sends you a mate.  You have to trust.  

Get involved in your alumni associations.  Go on line.  Ask your coupled up friends if their husbands have any buddies.  

[mark clemson]

So, this may not be advice you wish to follow, but if you wish to attract men, one "trick" would be to make yourself as attractive as possible. Men generally are visual creatures. Not sure if that's for you + there is a risk of attracting "the wrong guy" with this approach. Still, if your issue is to attract *any* guy, then one key is to bump up the attractiveness. Even if you are shy, some men will approach you if you are attractive. Even if you are shy, some men will ask out an attractive woman. Others may hang around but perhaps be unsure what to say. If you boost your attractiveness and this happens, attempt to break the ice by starting a conversation and see if the guy is interested but simply not sure how to approach you (not all men have confidence in this area).

Do with this advice as you will, as I have a feeling you may not be inclined to follow it (from a personality/values perspective) and that is fine - you are who you are.

Also note that you can meet the love of your life anywhere, although COVID has made that more of a challenge. But once people are gathering again, try perhaps church groups or volunteer organizations where there are some people your age around.

Edited August 13, 2020 by mark clemson

[Veronica73]

26 is VERY young. And yeah, I dated several guys before I was 26...but they were all selfish a**h***s. Seriously. 

Also, I’d be wary of Mark Clemson’s advice. Not everyone is comfortable changing who they are and how they feel comfortable, to meet someone else’s shallow expectations. That is not necessarily a small commitment, especially as you get older. You have to keep it up. Obviously (at least to me) it would be better to find someone who loves you because how you are as a human being. But some people don’t care that much about that kind of thing, in which case, doll yourself up as much as you feel comfortable with it, just realize it will take more and more work as you get older. And you may likely be with a shallow person. (I’m sure you know this. Just wanted to address it as it was brought up.)

26 is very, very young. And seriously, at least where I am, I’d be wary of most 26 year old guys. I’d say the vast majority of them are nothing to pine for. 

You have time.

And decent people tend to get more decent as they age. And a**h***s become bigger a**h***s as they age. (also it becomes more obvious as YOU age.) Basically, people tend to become more set in their ways as they get older. And less...plastic/flexible.

And I don’t feel like being shy is a *huge* impediment. At least in my experience. And I’m not gorgeous or anything. (But I seem to live in a very different area than you. So....) But getting more comfortable around people while still keeping reasonable boundaries is a good skill to have in my opinion. And the only reason I’m mentioning the shy thing is because somebody else brought it up and I have a lot of experience being shy and socially anxious. 

But if you take anything from this post...26 is very, very young. You have plenty of time to find the love of your life.

Edited August 13, 2020 by Veronica73

[major_merrick]

26 is not too young, not too old.  You're in the right place in life to contemplate what you want to be doing.  I think it is time for you to look less at social media and more at what is around you.  As a believer, I can tell you that one of the things God doesn't like His people to do is compare themselves with others.  That's called "envy" or "coveting," and it is how the Devil gets into our lives and makes us miserable over all the things we don't have.  We can respect others for their achievements, and we can thank God on their behalf that their lives are going right....but crossing over into envy becomes self-destructive.

Instead of looking at other people's lives, start planning.  Figure out what you'd like, and think of possibilities of how to get there.  Doesn't matter how crazy outlandish, just brainstorm.   If you're in a nation where you can't get together with other believers, have you considered interacting online?  Right now with COVID, tons of Christians are fellowshipping online. 

Also, have you considered international dating?  It seems like in the US, it is hard for good Christian guys to find a Godly partner.  Many guys would be willing to court you online, come to wherever you are to meet you, and pretty much take care of all the bills and the K-1 visa process.  If you want to chat more about that one, you can always PM me. 

 

[Noproblem]

On 8/3/2020 at 4:38 PM, raquellexxx said:

While looking in the profiles of Christians in social media, I often see how they define themselves ''blessed and happy people without big problems, to whom God often sends miracles'' They find the love of their lives in a unique way in their early 20s. They build big and happy religious families, which we often see in beautiful photo sessions. They have many amazing and loyal friends.

 

They are liars! 

[raquellexxx]

For as long as I can remember, I've been single, except for 1-2 relationships, in which I gave more than the other side... Until recently, I didn't pay much attention to this, because I always believed that I would find my soulmate. I look at the people around me and they all are in relationships except me. I'm very sad and afraid for myself since I feel that the loneliness and fear have shattered me. I'm afraid that I'm not the same calm and cheerful person anymore.. I attend sessions with a specialist, but it is crucial for me to hear your opinion on this issue and get advice from you, because I really need it...

I've always used my social media accounts primarily for fun and to keep in touch with my friends. However, unfortunately, I began comparing myself to the people who have relationships and the amount of followers/friends they have. I tell myself, "How do you think you're going to find your Person when you don't have many friends on social media? If you have a lot of followers, only then, there is probably a chance for you to be noticed by someone." I can't express how extremely exhausting and destructive on my mental health this is. Even though I know people who have met on social networks and yet don't have many followers....

Also, I've never been a party person and I didn't like big companies. I have some good friends, but no companies. I don't have boy friends who could become anything more. I'm not a shy or socially anxious person, there are just people who like to be among many people, but there are also those who don't like and I'm from the second one. Therefore, I constantly torture my mind with questions like ''Should I change myself completely? Should I start forcing and pushing myself among companies with more people, even though it will make me feel uncomfortable and not good? Is that the only solution and key for finding My Person?''

When it comes to dancing or social hobbies, unfortunately, the things I like to do aren't social and at the moment, there is nothing new I would like to try. Should that terrify me? Does this really mean that I'm doomed to never meet my partner in life? I am afraid that I live my life wrongly, dooming myself to loneliness and unhappiness. But do I really have to change who I am? Isn't it important to stay true to who you are? Should I start forcing myself to get a lot of followers, push myself into companies, and go to activities that aren't interesting to me, just because those are the ways to find a boyfriend? I really feel awful and desperate, as if I am in a huge black hole, from which there is no escape and no light ...

[d0nnivain]

No you are not doomed.  You may have to work a bit harder & take a few occasional steps outside your comfort zone but I firmly believe there is a lid for every pot. 

With Covid & lockdowns it's harder to find in person events to attend where you can possibly meet someone.  Have you tried OLD?  If not, put up a profile. 

As for your hobbies, if you can find a group even on line that does what you like, join them.  

Ask some of your coupled up friends if they know anybody who they could fix you up with, like their SO's buddy.  

Stop comparing yourself to others especially about something as trivial as #s of friends on social media.  Good heavens.  That is so superficial.  If you wanted meaningless likes just add everybody. It won't bring more joy into your life, just more drama & BS.  

[OnlyHonesty]

You are creating your own psychological pain by comparing your life's reality, to a social media fantasy. In doing so, your state of mind will create unhappiness, tension and this will repel. You need to continue being yourself, and as d0nnivain mentioned, step out of your comfort zone every now and then.  There is a book that might help with your state of mind. You appear to be living in the future, rather than fully appreciating the present moment.  Read a sample of the book 'Power Of Now' by Ekhart Tolle.

[Ami1uwant]

People generally don’t try to date through social media sites.

[MidnightRain]

I have been to the best therapists in my country and for more than 2 years with each of them separately. Most of them told me themselves that we have run out of new topics and are going around in circles discussing the same issue. The problem is that I also feel no relief/result from the thousands of sessions. I know that therapy is mutual work and most of it has to be done by me. However, despite my best efforts, I never managed to change my mindset that "Only bad things happen to me, while everyone else lives more happily.'' The lack of results from therapy, no matter how long it has been and with how many different professionals, makes me even more despair about my life as I keep hearing celebrities share how their therapy "completely changed their lives for the better'' after going to even 1 therapist. Is my life unfixable? All my therapists said that I don't need medication since my unhappiness comes from my way of thinking.

You are my last hope for comfort and advice about my mindset because I know it will definitely help me in this dark period where I can't see any light at the tunnel and prefer not to live (suffer) anymore.

1) After high school, I've been extremely stressed about my career. Now I'm 27 and still haven't found a job I'm interested in and good at. After working in a call center for several years, dreading the job change, I finally took the chance and changed it to another job that seemed interesting to me. I was so happy but much to my shock, in the first month I realized that this is not my field, the colleagues are mean and I don't want to continue working in this industry. When I shared with my friends, most of them have well-paying jobs that they enjoy and cannot understand my torment. This may seem like something that many people go through, but I experience more stress because just when I overcame my fear of changing jobs and I happily found an interesting profession, it turned out to be absolutely unsuitable for me in the first month, leaving me terrified of what to do now with my career. The fact that all my friends have found well-paid jobs that they enjoy and I still haven't, even at the beginning of a new job I get very disappointed, only validates my point that bad things happen only to me and other people can't relate.

The lack of money from my low-paying jobs is also killing me since I can't afford to live normally and when I compare with my friends with higher salaries, I feel like nothing and don't know why I'm even alive..

2) So far, I have only had 1 relationship. My circle of friends is all women and I have nowhere to meet men. The problem is that I want to find the right person, but I just don't believe that it will happen, because nothing good has ever happened to me in my life. Therefore, I find no motivation and point in trying dating apps, as I'm pretty sure I'll find men who are only looking for sex and will hurt me. At the same time, all my friends are in happy, long-term and serious relationships. I used to be happy for them, but over time, that made me angry and envious of them. those feelings make me feel guilty, but they are stronger than me and I can't stop them.

What made me especially angry was the fact that my friend, who has always liked one-night stands, found the love of her life within 1 month. Ironically, her boyfriend is literally everything I've ever dreamed of finding in a man. Then, I said to myself: ''Why is life/God so unfair to me? She's not even looking for a serious relationship, but she found a great man who adores her? And I deserve at least one good thing to happen to me, but I'm sure it won't. Therefore, I find no point in trying dating apps. I'm trapped in a vicious circle - I want to find the right person, but I'm sure it won't happen, based on my lack of luck in life. On the other hand, the fact that all my girlfriends have great relationships and achieved them with ease makes me angry and depressed since I feel cursed.

3) Unlike my friends' parents, mine are much older. Therefore, they (and I) have to deal with terrible diseases like cancer, unemployment and lack of income. Whereas my friends' parents are healthy, younger and working people. They don't have my problems.

Please, give me advice on how to change my toxic thinking because my multiple attempts have failed. Right now, I have totally lost hope and meaning in life...

[basil67]

Have you had your mental health assessed by your primary care physician or a psychiatrist?   

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MidnightRain said:

 All my therapists said that I don't need medication since my unhappiness comes from my way of thinking.

Sorry this is happening. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Sometimes medical conditions can look like intractable depression. It's great you're getting help. 

[Lisa]

Moderator note: @MidnightRain and @raquellexxx are the same poster

[Gaeta]

I think you need a different approch.

When we feel we don't receive enough from life it's because we don't give enough. If you *give* then you'll receive. So look into how you'd like to give, give your time to animal shelters, give your time to groups that cook or visit the homeless, go visit old people in hospitals that have no family. You have your pick there are so much misery around us! 

[NuevoYorko]

You have friends ... you have an education ... you clearly have the wherewithal to be online.   So some good things have "happened" to you in your life.

The whole thing about celebrities or "Christians" on social media with their religion and happy family pictures are nothing to compare ourselves to.

Have you ever discussed with your therapists or doctors the possibility of trying antidepressants?   I'm not advocating for that - but it could be worth a discussion.   You seem to be stuck in a loop of negative thinking, which you will need to break out of in order to change the patterns you're repeating.  

[basil67]

It sounds like you're actually in a worse place than when you were writing previously.  

You state your belief that nothing good has ever happened to you in your life.   Are you cognitively aware that this is untrue?  From what I read in your post, lots of good things have happened to you and there are others who would give anything to be in your situation.  Have your therapists ever suggested practicing gratitude?  

1. you are educated

2. you are employed

3. you have a roof over your head

4. you have friends

5. you have faith

6. What about safety?  Are you safe from violence and war?  

 

[spiderowl]

Honestly, I feel for you, OP. There is a lot of therapy of various kinds out there, but if it doesn’t suit you then that therapist is not right for you. I would say a few things:

You have not done anything wrong. Therapists suggest that ‘wrong thinking’ is the cause of unhappiness, but is that true? I don’t think so. Depression can make one feel very negative and therefore thing negatively. This is no-one’s fault. Therapists are not perfect people who understand others. We are all unique. Any therapist is presenting their best professional image. Suggesting that a person’s ‘wrong thinking’ or ‘circular thinking’ is the root of their problems is unfair and denigrating. You may be depressed which is not your fault. Depression can lift. Antidepressants can help.

You may be a sensitive person who finds things hurtful that others don’t. You may have had distressing incidents in your background that have taught you to think that bad things happen and that things will never improve for you. This doesn’t make you wrong for fearing this; it just means you need to question the conclusions you have come to.

You deserve love and affection just as much as anyone else. If you hide away from people - and I do this myself - opportunities to meet others and have new opportunities will be diminished. It really is important to put yourself out there in social events like clubs, music, arts, volunteering, and gradually you get to know more people. There is a wonderful book called ‘Luck’, by Dr Richard Wiseman, which shows a scientific basis for increasing your luck in life. I know it is difficult if you are a sensitive, introverted character, and it does involve putting yourself in places where you might not know anyone straight away. Just make sure they are safe environments. 

Comparing yourself to others never helps. The social media people are often posting to attract readers and therefore sponsorship and money. They have plastic surgery to try to keep up appearances. They may seem to have everything but they don’t post about the poor behaviour of their kids, their drinking habit, the fact that it takes a private gym and hours of work to keep them looking good. They only post the good things or the things that people will relate to so they can get sympathy, attention (and more money). Alternatively, they post endless controversial things to attract those who are combative or who like other people’s drama. They seek to divide people and imply that everyone is in a battle of some kind against ‘the enemy’. No wonder social media is so toxic to the soul!

Somewhere, deep down, you need to overturn this script that bad things happen to you and good things only happen to other people. I am in training to be a hypnotherapist. I think seeing a hypnotherapist with a good reputation could help, as they are dealing with the unconscious mind which drives us all, but you can also question your basic presumptions yourself. 

You might wish to see your GP and consider antidepressants or maybe try them for a few weeks to see if they help. There is not a ‘one size fits all’ therapy or medication that works for everyone, despite what some mental health professionals imply.

You have actually done some amazing things, getting yourself a new job, for example. You have learned it is not right for you - that’s fair enough, your experience will point you in other directions. Some people love their jobs, some people only do them for money, others hate their jobs and wish they could win the lottery. Generally, doing something you enjoy doing makes working easier. Getting a job that includes many of the things you like to do is a different matter but it may be possible. What would you like to do in your heart of hearts? What makes you feel happy and rewarded?

I get the feeling you are feeling lost and left out. Has this happened in the past? Were you made to feel less worthy than others in some way? Formative experiences can stick with us unless we question them.

You have not done anything ‘wrong’ and there is nothing inherently ‘wrong’ with you. Like many of us, you are a sensitive person who is finding their way. Less sensitive people might be more oblivious to things that might affect you more. They feel happier because they are not easily impacted. You are likely to attract more sensitive people who can understand where you are coming from. You have your own unique appeal but you are not aware of it because you are assuming you need to be like others or perfect in some way. Your uniqueness is what will take you forward and help you to stake your place in this incredibly complex world.

[Els]

Huh, I know plenty of fundamentalist Christians who are single and living with their parents in their 30s and 40s. Pretty sure that your perspective on this might be a bit skewed...