Husband Sexting With Ex and in Chatrooms

[Mrs_Oli]

Good day. I don’t really know what my intention with this post is. Maybe it’s a way for me to vent, share my sad story and maybe even get some advice and encouraging words to help me cope.

A little background. Married the love of my life in 2016. We have two kids, oldest is 3 and the youngest is 2 ½ months old.

End May 2020 – I was 8 months pregnant. My husband went to bed and left his cell phone on the couch. When I got up to go to bed “something” told me to check his phone. I found sexual messages between him and one of his ex-girlfriends. It was only a couple of messages but I could see that the previous ones from earlier that day were deleted. (They were chatting on WhatsApp). It felt like my world collapsed, I was shaking. I went and woke him up, showing him the messages. We went to the living room and I confronted him. I was crying, totally devastated.

He admitted that he had been talking to her since November 2019. That they had never met up and it was only physical sexting, no emotions from his side. He said he found it exciting to talk to a real person about his sexual fantasies. He also admitted that he was chatting online with random unknown women, cybersex. He said it was more exciting than just watching porn, getting live responses. He kept on emphasizing that it was nothing emotional, that he doesn’t want to replace me with anyone, he loves our family; these chats were purely physical for him, that they were a release.

I was devastated, to me he was cheating, finding sexual pleasure outside our marriage with not just random women but also with an ex. I contacted her husband via Facebook and informed him of what my husband and his wife were doing. My husband was furious with me, stating that he was the one that initiated the chats and it was not necessary to hurt and possibly ruin another marriage. I felt her husband had a right to know.

We worked through all the issues. I told him this was his one and only chance, I won’t tolerate this in our marriage. He promised he would stop and he would work on our marriage. I focused on being more for my husband, sending him naughty messages on a regular basis, being more intimate with him to make sure he never needed to find release anywhere else. I made a lot of positive changes, things he mentioned during all our talks to work on our marriage.

September 2020 – Fast forward to last week. I was moving a folder from our desktop on the PC to his personal folder when I saw a folder that contained the backups from his Samsung phone. I was curious and snooped. To my utter horror and complete devastation I found naked pictures from his ex (the one he was chatting with) dating June 2018. I also found photos (normal Facebook photos) of another woman that is a sales rep in our area. I confronted him. He admitted that he was chatting with his ex longer than what he initially said (I still don’t know exactly when it started). The photos of the other woman, he said he just liked the photos, there was nothing between them. A further crushing blow was that he admitted he had been using the chat sites again since the last confrontation. He admitted that he has been going on chat sites since he has about 20 years old (he is turning 41 this year). He has been using these chat sites our entire marriage, even while we were dating.

It was a hard blow for me. But instead of letting my emotions take over I just got angry and threatened to leave him and take the kids. I think the prospect of losing me and the kids scared him. He went to see a therapist and the therapist told him that he better stop what he was doing, that if he continued with the chatting and this behavior it would be like playing Russian roulette. And if he was willing to lose everything. My husband promised he would stop, that me and the kids are more important to him than the chatting.

Just when I felt that things were moving in a positive direction, I just get knocked down again. I found old WhatsApp messages that showed that he was chatting with that sales rep woman as well. Not as often as his ex but they had also sexted once or twice in the past (that is if he is being honest). He called her sexy. She had sent him photos while she was at a gin festival with friends, he said he wished he was there…. I again confronted him and he apologized for lying about that. I made him message her, telling her never to contact him again and to delete his number.

Now to today. I am seeing the therapist tomorrow. I am just not coping with this pain. I am beyond destroyed and my heart is in pieces. I feel so utterly betrayed and so stupid for not having realized this sooner. For being too trusting. I feel worthless, like I am not enough for him, that I am visually not good enough (I am overweight since the first pregnancy, but have at least lost 10kgs in the last two months. I am working hard to improve my appearance and get my self-confidence back). Why did he have to chat and exchange naked pictures with his ex? It cuts so deep. I have been crying for days. I don’t know how to get past this and work on healing. It feels too hard and painful. And my biggest fear is that he is only saying what I want to hear and within a few months he will be back at it again. I am so so scared of that. I am scared I will find something again. I have to stay strong for my kids, but I feel like I am dying inside.

How do I begin to move forward? How do I stop myself from going crazy and checking his phone every few hours? How do I ever trust him again? How do I repair my marriage?

I’m sorry for the long post. I just needed to get this off my chest. Apart from my husband and therapist, I have no one I can talk to, I am too embarrassed and ashamed of what has happened.

 

[elaine567]

You can't fix this.
This has been going on for at least 20+ years, this is an ingrained habit.
He isn't going to stop for you, your kids or anyone.
He is a pretty good liar too, so yes he will tell you he has stopped but he will not, he will just learn ways of covering it up better.
You either pack up and leave or you learn to accept it as a part of your marriage... or you just keep fighting the impossible fight.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am so sorry, OP. 

This man has never been the husband you thought he was, and has never been the husband you deserve. 

I would honestly meet with an attorney and look at options for divorce. He's been lying and cheating in some form or other the whole time. He doesn't respect you, your marriage or the family unit you have created. 

This is not likely to ever get better. 

[Crazelnut]

I'm sorry, but you won't ever be able to trust him again. You gave him multiple chances to come clean, but he lied to your face EVERY SINGLE TIME. How do you even know that his cheating waa limited to sexting and pics? How do you know that he also hasn't physically cheated? Short answer is you don't. 

I agree that you should consult an attorney to discuss separation and divorce and make sure you and the kids are protected.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

11 hours ago, Mrs_Oli said:

A further crushing blow was that he admitted he had been using the chat sites again since the last confrontation.

 

 

Where is this guy finding  "Chatrooms" in 2020 ??

 

(they were SO  "1998" ...  and it seems that Chris Hanson  effectively put an end to them.)

[kendahke]

On 9/8/2020 at 8:26 AM, Mrs_Oli said:

How do I ever trust him again? How do I repair my marriage?

This vessel is shattered into a million pieces. There's no fixing it.

Your husband is who he is and who he is is a man who will chase other women behind your back, crush you, tell you whatever lie gets you off his back and he goes back to doing what he's been doing for 20 years that a wife and 2 children will not stop.  That is what is with him. He will never be the man you wished he'd be. Not for you. Not for those kids.

Wrap your mind around being a divorced mother of two and get your financial house in order so that you can rear your children.  Stop investing in this fantasy of this guy you have that he's someone he's not and will never be.

Quote

I told him this was his one and only chance, I won’t tolerate this in our marriage.

Three chances later, this no longer is a threat to him as it does not deter him from doing exactly what he wants to do. Losing you and the kids will not deter him, either. He's going to do exactly what he wants to do because that's who he is.

Edited September 9, 2020 by kendahke

[smackie9]

get yourself a good divorce lawyer.

BTW he's a sex addict....has nothing to do with you, or you not being enough for him. He needs behavior therapy. No therapist is going to tell him he better stop it...I have a feeling he hasn't really been going. Therapists work on getting to the root of the behavior and work from there. That Russian roulette comment sounds like his own...He's a lost soul, no empathy.

Edited September 9, 2020 by smackie9

[Caauug]

On 9/8/2020 at 8:26 PM, Mrs_Oli said:

A little background. Married the love of my life in 2016.

No you didn't. 

He does not have the same feelings for you as you do for him. By confronting him, you are only going to drive him to hide his actions deeper. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words, his and yours!!! He has shown you what he is capable of, it is time you show him what you are capable of..... go see the best lawyer in your area. You can not fix or force him to stop, he has to do that.

On 9/8/2020 at 8:26 PM, Mrs_Oli said:

Now to today. I am seeing the therapist tomorrow. I am just not coping with this pain. I am beyond destroyed and my heart is in pieces. I feel so utterly betrayed and so stupid for not having realized this sooner. For being too trusting. I feel worthless, like I am not enough for him, that I am visually not good enough (I am overweight since the first pregnancy, but have at least lost 10kgs in the last two months. I am working hard to improve my appearance and get my self-confidence back).

Look out for #1, yourself!!! 

It's not your fault he did not come and tell you there was something missing for him in your marriage. You did not force him to have emotional affairs with multiple other women, did you?  Get your feelings straightened out and physically get your weight under control, this should also bring your self-confidence back. Distance yourself from whoever is bringing you down, this maybe others besides your cheating husband. Eat healthy, get physically fit, stay positive about you. Only you can fix you!!!

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 9/8/2020 at 4:41 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

Where is this guy finding  "Chatrooms" in 2020 ??

 

(they were SO  "1998" ...  and it seems that Chris Hanson  effectively put an end to them.)

Lmbo

[Bonifidelifelover]

Op im sorry. I think save urself some heartache & divorce him. Get some support from friends & family & move in. He seems super shady.