Would the dumper feel regret about the relationship if it was only 3 months, intense but without love having developed yet?

[JinatheArena]

Disclaimer: I don't want him back. I just want to know the chances of him feeling regret for walking away from a good person, that he wasn't necessarily in love with yet but left because of his commitment issues. Can a person who didn't love you yet, who was experiencing 'grass is greener syndrome', feel like they might have made a mistake in leaving you before the relationship even had time to develop?

Feel free to answer the question with or without reading the context.

Context:

My ex (23M) broke up with me (25F) 3 days ago. Our relationship moved very quickly in the beginning. Reason being that we both had very similar values, worldviews as well as a strong attraction for each other. Also, we started off online, and it was long distance (by 3 hours of car travel between cities). So we jumped into a relationship because of the amount of money and energy expenditure it would take to be together (intuitively it was like: 'I'm not gonna spend all that time, money, and energy just to see a person I'm dating casually).

The first 6 weeks were bliss. We saw each other every 2nd weekend and talked almost every day. In all that time we had a profound intellectual connection, good sexual chemistry, and also had somewhat of a 'child-like' playful dynamic between us. He introduced me to his friends and I introduced him to mine. All in all, things seemed perfect.

Then his exams came around. He's a medical student, so I knew this period was gonna be difficult and overwhelming for him. I gave him a lot of space, words of encouragement, and took this time to also focus on my own work, friends, and interests. Over the phone, his affection and gratitude for me didn't seem to reduce at all. To my surprise, the same frequency of messaging and calling that we had before, was taking place despite his exams. So as far as I was concerned, things were still going well.

When his exams ended, he visited me (after a 3 week period of us not visiting). And although we still had good times, there was a definite shift in tone at times. I could feel that the honeymoon period had worn off a bit, that s*** was getting real (because we had our first and in my opinion, premature, 'serious relationship' conversation surrounding the future - fact that I might have to leave the country next year etc.) It seemed as though what I considered normal relationship talk, he considered as a negative energy/difficult conflict. But then we went on as usual and had a good time.

The week right after that, I visited his city. Once again, the first part of that weekend was really fun and great. But, then, on the last day... conversations about past relationships came up. He asked me about my exes, how many there were, whether I was still in touch with any of them, and vice versa. The conversation was very upsetting for him. But he couldn't tell me why and I couldn't understand why (His past was practically the same, if not more eventful, and neither of us was in contact with our exes). He tried to hide being upset and said everything was okay; that he was just being insecure. And then when I traveled back to my city, he called me saying sorry for making me feel bad and that he hated hurting me.

In the 2 weeks that followed, things were super blissful and sweet over the phone again. I visited him again, and nothing felt weird or wrong or anything.

Until the week after... I got a call from my friend, telling me that she saw him on a dating app. I called him and asked him about it calmly (without telling him I was certain of the information and also without making accusations). He immediately admitted to it, saying that in all honesty, he did go on that app again to check things out for 5 minutes. But that he didn't chat with anyone or open it again. He said he felt really sorry that I had to see that. I told him that I wanted to trust him, but that I would need a few days to myself to process in order to see if I could do that. He respected my need for space, and then when I re-initiated contact, he remained attentive (yet cautious of acting entitled to my affections) for some days. A few days later he called me...

In this phone call, he would tell me how difficult the week was, how guilty he felt for what he did, and what I saw. And he asked me why I was willing to forgive him so easily? To this, I asked "Well, if what you said is true, that you were just messing around on the app. Then it's easier to forgive." He then said that it wasn't fair to me. To which I responded, "Well clearly you are feeling bad about something. Is there something lacking in this relationship for you? Is that why you went on the app in the first place?" To which he responded, "I think your feelings for me are stronger than mine is for you right now." To which I said, "I know. I noticed it." He then started crying, saying that our relationship moved too fast and that I deserved better than him. I was silent. Telling him, I could accept that my feelings were stronger for him and take a step back if he needed it. That I preferred him to go and figure out if he could be that person for me. But that if he was already convinced he could never have stronger feelings or that if something more sordid was going on (in my mind cheating) that he was right. And that that would warrant a break-up. He continued to cry and call himself a bad person. I remained emotionless, telling him that he wasn't crying for me but for himself, to make himself feel better about this. He kept telling me that he had been dishonest with himself throughout our relationship that he was too selfish at this point in his life right now. That he respected me as a person, that my being was so precious, that he didn't want to steal my chance at finding someone who could really love me in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I know I deserve better. I know I should move on and I intend to.

But I can't help but wonder whether he might think he made a mistake and walked away from something that could have been so good.

Because as far as I'm concerned, he broke up with me because of a future assumption of his capacity to love (as a friking 23-year-old guy) and also assumed that I am more hurt by his lack of reciprocated feelings than I actually am. I didn't care that I was more ready and my feelings had grown (at this point at least), I was still having a good time with him...

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're disappointed and hurting.

Honestly, I can't see that he will have regret because in reality, it was only great for about six weeks and then the cracks appeared.  

2 hours ago, JinatheArena said:

When his exams ended, he visited me (after a 3 week period of us not visiting). And although we still had good times, there was a definite shift in tone at times. I could feel that the honeymoon period had worn off a bit, that s*** was getting real (because we had our first and in my opinion, premature, 'serious relationship' conversation surrounding the future - fact that I might have to leave the country next year etc.) It seemed as though what I considered normal relationship talk, he considered as a negative energy/difficult conflict.

You don't go into this in depth, but him feeling that this was a negative/difficult conflict says that you weren't on the same page.   Which part of this did he feel was negative and difficult?   Why did the relationship discussion come up?   What were his thoughts on you leaving the country?   

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he was being honest that he just doesn't feel the same way as you do, and doesn't really see a future together. 

The honeymoon period should not be over already. It just isn't working for him, and he is a shady dude for going on a dating app when he's supposed to be in a relationship with you. I don't buy for a minute he went on for "5 minutes" just to look around, and neither should you. He got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, plain and simple. He doesn't want you to forgive him, simply because he doesn't want to stay in the relationship. He feels guilty that he hurt you but he was already looking for exit hatch, unfortunately. 

As such? This really couldn't have been as good as you hoped. His feeling weren't strong enough. He lacks the moral compass necessary to make a committed relationship work at this point in his life. I don't think he's a commitment-phobe, but I do think you two rushed into a relationship without really knowing each other or what it means to be in a long-distance relationship (or at least, he didn't) He realized it's just not for him. I wouldn't care if he later regrets it; he's shown you he's not boyfriend material for you. 

[JinatheArena]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry you're disappointed and hurting.

Honestly, I can't see that he will have regret because in reality, it was only great for about six weeks and then the cracks appeared.  

You don't go into this in depth, but him feeling that this was a negative/difficult conflict says that you weren't on the same page.   Which part of this did he feel was negative and difficult?   Why did the relationship discussion come up?   What were his thoughts on you leaving the country?   

To be honest the conflict was surrounding sex at first. He had expressed to me that during his examination weeks, he had a lot of desire that he wasn't able to fulfill with me (because i wasn't around) and that he couldn't control his urges and wanted to keep..ehm..self-satisfying to a minimum as too much of it was neither good nor productive  etc. (He's very religious, albeit, technically hypocritical cause of his sexual past - but who am i to judge as i myself am not religious). As such he had rejected me because he unilaterally made the decision to take a period of abstinence. Which i understood but at the same time said could be a problem later, and that he'd need to communicate with me as it impacted *our* intimacy. I told him i'd respect it, but that it was selfish of him to just make that decision without me and not consider my needs. His defence was then that i was being selfish for possibly moving to my homecountry next year. Ignoring the unfairness of that retort to the sex conflict, I told him that it wasn't set in stone. That covid, my job, my savings and everything still factored into it. And then i told him that i didn't exactly want to discuss this so prematurely as we hadn't known each other that long...but that depending on how our relationship progressed i would also factor him into it. 

He then wanted to shift the conversation. And said that it was exhausting and draining to talk about this stuff. And this attitude reoccured with all serious topics.

My hunch was that he clearly hadn't been in an emotionally mature relationship before or that he had always maybe ditched the relationships once it got to that point. 

Edited September 9, 2020 by JinatheArena

[JinatheArena]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think he was being honest that he just doesn't feel the same way as you do, and doesn't really see a future together. 

The honeymoon period should not be over already. It just isn't working for him, and he is a shady dude for going on a dating app when he's supposed to be in a relationship with you. I don't buy for a minute he went on for "5 minutes" just to look around, and neither should you. He got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, plain and simple. He doesn't want you to forgive him, simply because he doesn't want to stay in the relationship. He feels guilty that he hurt you but he was already looking for exit hatch, unfortunately. 

As such? This really couldn't have been as good as you hoped. His feeling weren't strong enough. He lacks the moral compass necessary to make a committed relationship work at this point in his life. I don't think he's a commitment-phobe, but I do think you two rushed into a relationship without really knowing each other or what it means to be in a long-distance relationship (or at least, he didn't) He realized it's just not for him. I wouldn't care if he later regrets it; he's shown you he's not boyfriend material for you. 

I definitely agree. He lacked the moral compass to commit right now, perhaps cause of immaturity or grass is greener syndrome (because there really was a lot of good in this relationship, it was 95% good and this post just highlights all the bad moments). I just feel like my high-value attitude towards it "i.e. giving a lot of my heart, love and affection all the while not nagging, acting desperate and easily walking away when he turned me away cause of his lack of courage or moral compass to stay (despite all the good), might make him regret it later. Maybe much later. He cited the preconception that he's "never loved anyone before or think he could in the near future cause of his career" as a reason he can't give me what i need now. But to be honest i wasn't even that phased by the fact that his love didn't develop yet. And i explicitly told him i wasn't hurt that we were moving at different paces. But he ignored this. And assumed he was "hurting" me or using it as a copout to not commit. I just feel like once he gets back into seeing others or whatever he will do with his new found freedom...he might regret leaving. 

[elaine567]

"Men" especially young men mostly need frequent and regular sex.
LDRs do not work for them, unless they are effectively asexual, low drive or are getting it outside of the relationship.
Men in demanding careers  often do not want to commit until they are stable and their career path is determined.
Some will be happy with a "follower" type of a gf, ie one that is willing to jettison her own life/career to support him in his or some will be happy playing the field or some end up with one relatively short term relationship after another. leaving the commitment to when he can actually genuinely commit.
He I guess feels he needs to be free to follow the career he wants, not have it dictated by his romantic life.
Medicine is stressful enough without adding to the stress.

Here he was missing the sex. To some men there is no love or attachment without sex and he found out you were going away anyway, so he disengaged.
I guess the thought of a prolonged LDR was the last straw...
You thought it was good and were willing to put in the work as it was working for you, he disagreed and wasn't willing to put in the work, as it wasn't working for him...
 

Edited September 9, 2020 by elaine567

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like he deliberated for some time before deciding to end things.

He came to the conclusion that the bad outweighs the good. So, he most likely doesn't regret it.

Luckily he was forthcoming that he felt smothered by your intensity.

Next time slow down, date men who are in your life stage try not to fast forward this much or be this intense or smothering.

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

he felt smothered by your intensity.

In what way was the OP intense and smothering?
She mirrored his apparent  interest and she then found out he was on a dating app...

Edited September 9, 2020 by elaine567

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Here he was missing the sex. To some men there is no love or attachment without sex and he found out you were going away anyway, so he disengaged.
I guess the thought of a prolonged LDR was the last straw...
You thought it was good and were willing to put in the work as it was working for you, he disagreed and wasn't willing to put in the work, as it wasn't working for him...
 

Yes, these are my thoughts too.  Even as a woman, I would never consider a LDR for this reason.  OK, perhaps I'd do a three hour distance for six months if need be....but not prolonged and certainly not if they were in another country.

He's been called emotionally immature for looking at dating pages.   Given that there's no evidence to the contrary, I'm working on the theory that he was considering "what if I was single again" and window shopping.   I think that recognising that he wasn't getting his needs met and ending the relationship shows a great deal of maturity.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, JinatheArena said:

To be honest the conflict was surrounding sex at first. He had expressed to me that during his examination weeks, he had a lot of desire that he wasn't able to fulfill with me (because i wasn't around) and that he couldn't control his urges and wanted to keep..ehm..self-satisfying to a minimum as too much of it was neither good nor productive  etc. (He's very religious, albeit, technically hypocritical cause of his sexual past - but who am i to judge as i myself am not religious). As such he had rejected me because he unilaterally made the decision to take a period of abstinence. Which i understood but at the same time said could be a problem later, and that he'd need to communicate with me as it impacted *our* intimacy. I told him i'd respect it, but that it was selfish of him to just make that decision without me and not consider my needs. His defence was then that i was being selfish for possibly moving to my homecountry next year. Ignoring the unfairness of that retort to the sex conflict, I told him that it wasn't set in stone. That covid, my job, my savings and everything still factored into it. And then i told him that i didn't exactly want to discuss this so prematurely as we hadn't known each other that long...but that depending on how our relationship progressed i would also factor him into it. 

He then wanted to shift the conversation. And said that it was exhausting and draining to talk about this stuff. And this attitude reoccured with all serious topics.

My hunch was that he clearly hadn't been in an emotionally mature relationship before or that he had always maybe ditched the relationships once it got to that point. 

Yes, I agree that his ideas on masturbation are difficult to understand.  But that aside, he did have some good points.  Just as you felt that your needs weren't being met by his abstinence, he felt that his needs weren't being met by your distance.   And really, what's the point in continuing to date someone who may move away next year anyway?

The other thing I noticed is that he found it exhausting to talk about all serious topics.   You weren't together long at all, so I'm surprised you had that many serious topics to speak about.   Rather than all these conversations representing 'emotionally maturity',  there could be an equal argument for it all being too hard/complicated/intense.  

Emotionally mature relationships can end because both parties have the maturity to know they aren't a match.   Don't make the mistake of thinking that with maturity from both parties the relationship can overcome all problems.

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 Don't make the mistake of thinking that with maturity from both parties the relationship can overcome all problems.

This seems to be a recurring theme in these forums, with some unwilling to ever give up.
They put up with misery and rejection and even abuse but because they refuse to give up they end up in very toxic relationships, with neither finding fulfilment..
Yes if you have been together 20 years then trying to overcome issues is a good thing, but for anyone who is only dating, never giving up is not in anyone's best interests.
Dating is about trying out a relationship, if it fails it fails, leave it be.
It does not need to be continually resuscitated from death's door. 

[Wiseman2]

Way too much way too soon. He's in med school and you are having these intense talks lengthy detailed analytical discussions.

Although there should have been an exclusive talk, the dating apps thing indicates that it was much less serious in his mind than yours.

He's too young for you he needs to focus on his training and can't  divert the excessive amount of time and energy you want into a casual dating.

Next time chill, slow down don't overwhelmed and fast forward to this extent.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you would be best not worrying about whether he will regret it, OP. 

He might, he might not. Use this a lesson moving forward - don't rush, and don't overlook the red flags as they start to crop up. 

[JinatheArena]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like he deliberated for some time before deciding to end things.

He came to the conclusion that the bad outweighs the good. So, he most likely doesn't regret it.

Luckily he was forthcoming that he felt smothered by your intensity.

Next time slow down, date men who are in your life stage try not to fast forward this much or be this intense or smothering.

The thing is we both jumped into it mutually. Both of us were super infatuated in the beginning. And then after a while it was he that pulled away, and I that remained consistent but later started to mirror and turn it down a notch.

I was never smothering or needy. I even went az far as leaving the calling schedule more up to him because he was busier.

That said, i acknowledge that i was more anxious about this relationship. But much of it was internal, and hidden from him. 

[JinatheArena]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This seems to be a recurring theme in these forums, with some unwilling to ever give up.
They put up with misery and rejection and even abuse but because they refuse to give up they end up in very toxic relationships, with neither finding fulfilment..
Yes if you have been together 20 years then trying to overcome issues is a good thing, but for anyone who is only dating, never giving up is not in anyone's best interests.
Dating is about trying out a relationship, if it fails it fails, leave it be.
It does not need to be continually resuscitated from death's door. 

Fair point. Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, JinatheArena said:

he was busier.

He's simply too busy with school, his training, etc and will be until he's in his late 20s. You were simply incompatible. Date men closer to your age life stage and maturity level and who want what  you want. He's in sow his oats mode with women chasing is MD potential, so he's not  commitmentphobe or any other trendy dating diagnosis. In fact when he's 30s he'll find someone your age now ( you'll be 32 then) and he'll get married, kids etc. But not now.

[JinatheArena]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's simply too busy with school, his training, etc and will be until he's in his late 20s. You were simply incompatible. Date men closer to your age life stage and maturity level and who want what  you want. He's in sow his oats mode with women chasing is MD potential, so he's not  commitmentphobe or any other trendy dating diagnosis. In fact when he's 30s he'll find someone your age now ( you'll be 32 then) and he'll get married, kids etc. But not now.

I mean, I agree. All I'm saying is, he clearly idealised the idea of the perfect relationship at the beginning, professed and mislead and that he ought to have been better about that. Moreover, he was very textbook about things ending. No love yet + rushed relationship etc. = break up. There were better strategies, that I would have been open to. But he overestimated my "pain" in all of this, and underestimated how much of a realist i really am about this stuff. I just feel like all the good stuff about the relationship went to waste with his unneccessary portending and that a reversion to casual/open dating would have been possible. Which takes me back to my original question...which is that he might regret that part. Life goal wise we certainly aren't compatible. But i reckon no one else would be for him by your logic. Yet, he wants to be with someone. And the mental + emotional + intellectual compatibility certainly wasn't lacking in that respect. Which is why i wonder, whether he might have made the mistake to think "break up". I mean up until the very hour on the phone before the end of it, he seemed very interested in learning about my day, my inner workings and playful about all the inside jokes and weird quirks he had learnt about me so far. It was after he asked me "why i forgave him for the dating app thing" and my response "because i want to trust you. Because i care enough about this relationship." That he went 360 and decided to break up. 

[JinatheArena]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's simply too busy with school, his training, etc and will be until he's in his late 20s. You were simply incompatible. Date men closer to your age life stage and maturity level and who want what  you want. He's in sow his oats mode with women chasing is MD potential, so he's not  commitmentphobe or any other trendy dating diagnosis. In fact when he's 30s he'll find someone your age now ( you'll be 32 then) and he'll get married, kids etc. But not now.

But thank you. Essentially, you are right. I deserve better. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

The fact that he went back on the dating app before breaking things off with you is very telling. He was looking to monkey branch into a new dating situation, before fully getting rid of you. He doesn’t sound like good relationships material for any woman. The only way he is likely to feel regret is if he has a hard time getting anything going with someone new, and hits a dry spell.

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

The only way he is likely to feel regret is if he has a hard time getting anything going with someone new, and hits a dry spell.

Yes.

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, JinatheArena said:

It was after he asked me "why i forgave him for the dating app thing" and my response "because i want to trust you. Because i care enough about this relationship." That he went 360 and decided to break up.

It sounded like he was hoping that him being on that dating ap was going to make you break up with him so he didn't have to do the dirty work; but when you forgave him he knew he had to go through with the break up.

[ajequals]

I suspect the break up is all about the distance. A lot of time and effort has to go into just seeing each other. If you were in his town. things might be different

[ShyViolet]

17 hours ago, JinatheArena said:

Because as far as I'm concerned, he broke up with me because of a future assumption of his capacity to love (as a friking 23-year-old guy) and also assumed that I am more hurt by his lack of reciprocated feelings than I actually am. I didn't care that I was more ready and my feelings had grown (at this point at least), I was still having a good time with him...

So you're saying that you didn't mind that he didn't feel the same way about you as you did about him, and you think you two should have stayed together anyway?  That doesn't really make sense.  He was honest with you and straight out told you that he didn't have the same feelings for you that you did for him.  The way that you keep asking whether he might regret his decision just sounds like you are holding out hope of getting him back.  I don't think that's likely to happen.  Just accept that this relationship didn't work out, and move on.

[JinatheArena]

I really appreciate everyone's responses to this. 

While some of the responses may be accurate and realistic... Some of them make me feel like I might have looked stupid/naive/smothering/moving quickly, when in fact it was a mutual effort. And now I don't know what to think anymore. Was I so delusional? 

My negative thoughts are starting to get the better of me. It's just so unfair... that I was merely developing feelings off the vibe he was giving me, remaining consistent with what was mutual infatuation in the beginning. And that this makes me..the pitiable one.  

Despite remaining calm,  not pushing him directly except by virtue of 'serious conversations' surrounding the relationship (not nagging about his behavior specifically), continuing my own life and interests and leaving him to his and yes...accepting the apparently false affections, acts of care, signs of interest he kept giving me...by doing these things... I was... too much? 

 

Edited September 10, 2020 by JinatheArena

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, JinatheArena said:

While some of the responses may be accurate and realistic... Some of them make me feel like I might have looked stupid/naive/smothering/moving quickly, when in fact it was a mutual effort. And now I don't know what to think anymore. Was I so delusional? 

This is why it's important not to dive in, regardless of how much the other person might be keen on doing the same. 

It's rarely a good sign to move too fast. I was always wary of men who wanted to.