Is a successful marriage being happy in your misery?

[annabanana99]

Hey there, my first post after lingering for a while. Hope this finds you well

I'm in a happy marriage, going on 19 years (I'm 38, he's 41). We have no children but have been trying for several years now, currently going through IVF... wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.

My husband is a wonderful, lovely man; affectionate, kind, loving, open, and incredibly supportive emotionally - he is textbook perfect in many ways, and I think many people who know us, including our families think we have the perfect relationship. In many ways, we do - we are truly the best of friends.

My husband has a great job too, on paper. Though I've earned more than him at various times, people have always respected his position and perceived earner-status a great deal more. I have been OK with being No 2, but have also sacrificed virtually everything for his career. I now find myself at that midlife point where I'm deeply regretting some of the choices I've made, having given up most of my prospects to be with him. (In my previous career I used to work abroad a lot, and my continued success would have required sacrifices on his part, with us also moving to a different country. It was either my marriage or career... I chose my marriage.)

Obviously our sex life has been impacted by the difficult journey of trying to conceive, but it has never been great. My husband has always had a very low libido where mine is quite high. I'm also not unattractive - in my university years I was a model, and an entire room would react when I walked into it. Though the years have caught up I'm still holding up OK for my age; I look after myself and haven't let myself go. Most importantly, I think I am a kind, affable, loving wife who makes her husband laugh, feel adored, appreciated, wanted and special. I will say though, being constantly rejected sexually in my relationship has had a debilitating impact on my self-esteem over the years. I have drawers full of lingerie with the tags still on... I dress up in them sometimes when I'm alone, just to remind myself that I can still be sexy, even if to a mirror.

As I'm writing this, I feel like I'm in a very dark place. Still not a mother as I dreamed I'd be (I have an autoimmune problem, but there's also male factor issues on my husband's side), on extended furlough from my work due to Covid (going on several months now), and in a new country after moving for my husband's work 2 years ago (for an opportunity that fell on his lap).

I feel generally numb. I have truly forgotten what hope feels like... the only dream I have left is having a child, but that too seems so out of reach. 

The most frustrating thing is, that I want to feel like I've given everything up for good reason. In the close to 20 years of our relationship, my husband has never set himself life, study, career or fitness goals. He has always done the bare minimum in every aspect of his life, which is incredibly frustrating to me, as someone who wants to overachieve in everything I do. As much as I love him, he ambles along with no real ambition or drive for anything.... totally complacent. Whenever I try to talk with him about making career plans, fitness goals, or mapping out our financial future, he gets angry and terminates the conversation. He is extremely bright, but has struggled to advance his career because he is too process-driven, not at all strategic, and quite naive. On the other hand, while I am hopelessly non-process driven, I am naturally strategic, curious and ambitious. Before giving up my career (what I do now pays the bills) I achieved some of the highest goals in my industry, every door was open to me. If we are being primal about things, I know I also had the beauty and warmth to attract the King of the Jungle if I'd wanted, but I was never that type of girl. To me, the man I loved was the King of the Jungle.

However, as more years go by, childless and career-less, the more I sit with him as he types on his phone at the other end of the couch, watching Netflix every night, struggling to inspire him to do anything more, the more I feel myself wasting away, and losing myself more each day....giving up.

What do you do when you love someone so much, but being with them is killing your soul and spirit? Is this the meaning of sacrifice, and what a 'successful marriage' is?

Thanks for listening.

Edited September 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Request.

[understand50]

annabanana99,

Looking from 40 years plus of marriage, I would say that you cannot expect them to change, all you can do is change the environment, and your actions towards them.  If you do not like them overspending, keep that front and center.  Not enough sex, ask for more, go on sexy dates, work with them, and above all communicate.  It is not easy by any measurement, but short of divorce, the only way forward.  Come up with a plan and stick to it.

I wish you luck......

 

Edited September 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Request.

[DKT3]

I think its a bit dramatic saying being with your husband is killing your soul. Truth is you've made all the decisions in your life, you can get to this point and start blaming others.

I believe the issue is children.  I'm guessing you made the decisions you've made based on the thought you would have them. You don't and now your husband is the easy target as the source of the disappointment. 

I'm not saying that your husband does not have a hand in how you're feeling,  im saying he isn't the central source.  Maybe you should talk to a professional to help you navigate this portion. 

[central]

If you're unhappy, only you can change that; blaming your husband for your past choices is the cowardly approach.  Even achieving success with IVF to have a child won't make you happy - you'll just change your support focus from your husband to your child, so nothing will really change.  You have some difficult decisions to make.

[notbroken]

Adopt?  

I strongly suspect separating from your husband will bring you more bad than good.  He sounds like a decent guy.   Not everyone wants to be President.   

 

[Trail Blazer]

Do you think thus resentment towards your husband for not being ambitious in life has come about because you think you've sacrificed a lot in your own career to afford him the opportunities which he's not grabbing with both hands?

I think that both of you need to sit down and have a good talk about stuff.  Your husband seems like a decent guy, but he does need to afford you the opportunity to impart more of your own needs and desires into the relationship.

It isn't really a good thing that he gets angry and ddismisses you when you're trying to talk to him about joint financial goals, etc.  However, you can't force him to make his own fitness goals.  If you keep nagging him about that, it could bring about the opposite effect.

[gaius]

Forget the jungle, the only thing he sounds like king of is the bathroom when he sits down to take a dump. I've heard enough stories about women who tried IVF for years with their dud husband, broke up and ended up naturally pregnant 3 months into their next relationship to think sometimes it's your body trying to tell you something. That it's just not the right guy for you.

Honestly annabanana99, my wife and I aren't good on paper. She has a PhD and I graduated high school. We do have exceptional chemistry, intellectually and emotionally and a very passionate relationship. I would climb any mountain or bust down any door to take her to bed. And as smart and strong as she is, I can match her. We challenge and light each other's fire instead of smoldering it.

Everyone has their own definition of marriage but I just can't imagine being with someone so devoid of passion and ambition when you're overflowing with it. He's like an anchor for you. It's not my definition of successful marriage and no wonder you're depressed. 

Edited September 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Request.

[DKT3]

An anchor? Really?

Look they have no children so only she is to blame for not being were she whats to be career wise. What prevented her?

We are responsible for our own experience,  you don't get to retroactively blame others when those decisions didn't reach the expected goal. 

Also who's to say she isn't the issue as far a getting pregnant is concerned? I also know tons of stories where the man quickly gets a second woman pregnant after years of trying with the first.

Lastly, who determines what level of passion someone should have before being deemed devoid? My sister in law is a two time PhD while raising three kids and taking care of her ill mother, does that make my brother devoid because he is only a MD who works 50-60 hrs/wk? Nonsense. 

[ajequals]

I think the last six months of being locked down and the lingering what if's has depressed everyone.  I personally don't have a issue in the world and I'm depressed ,One thing after another and now people are setting everything on fire in my area,I couldn't believe the amount of arrest today. .. Talking to someone always helps. knowing your not all alone. One thing I did is try not to watch the news so much. 3/4 of it is fake anyway. I've also been trying to keep myself busy with hobbies I have. How you feel effects everything in life. Is there something you love to do?

[Weezy1973]

On 9/10/2020 at 6:53 AM, annabanana99 said:

What do you do when you love someone so much, but being with them is killing your soul and spirit? Is this the meaning of sacrifice, and what a 'successful marriage' is?

 

It’s not your husband’s job to make you happy. You’re killing your own soul and spirit. But if you keep blaming your husband for your thoughts and feelings, you will indeed undermine your marriage.
 

My sister had a similar midlife crisis, and blamed her husband for things as well. She went to therapy and through that realized there was a lot of unresolved issues from her past that she had never dealt with. And that was the source of her unhappiness.

 

Our partners aren’t responsible for our happiness. They’re just doing their best to be happy. And if for him If it means Netflix and process driven work, so be it. I don’t understand why you stalled your career though. Surely with the skills you have you could get hired anywhere? 
 

Also, as others have mentioned, don’t discount difficult external factors. Covid and IVF are both highly stressful events. You could be projecting that onto your husband:

 

Mismatched libidos are a real problem as are different financial goals. Couples therapy can sometimes help, as it often comes down to lack of communication.

 

19 years is a long time. That being said, if you are thinking of ending the marriage, do so before you get pregnant.  

Edited September 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Request.

[Inflikted]

I mean, I don't know that my input is worth anything, considering I've never even been in anything close to a relationship, let alone in a several years long marriage. But, I think at the end of the day, communication is key. And while I have no personal experience to draw from, I feel like a lot of the failed relationships of the people around me failed mainly because the communication just wasn't strong enough. When people aren't properly communicating with each other, it seems like one or both of the individuals grow more and more frustrated with each other, which creates a toxicity in the relationship.

I dunno, maybe I'm just naive because I've never had a partner, but I've never really understood why communication seems to be such a difficult thing for so many people with their partners.

You say he refuses to talk about certain things, and yeah, that would certainly make communication difficult. But perhaps you simply need to try to approach the conversations differently. Or approach them from a different angle. Or perhaps you're trying to discuss things with him that are more "symptoms" rather than the root problems, themselves, and you should try starting there.

As for "lack of ambition", eh... I mean, most people I've met and known throughout my life aren't exactly aspiring to pioneers of an industry or anything like that. Most people, from what I can see, simply want to get to a point where they can sustain themselves financially, and then find their own little slice of happiness. Whether that means having a spouse and starting a family to spend time with, or just being able to sit back after a day's work and unwind in front of the TV. For the average person, life simply isn't THAT "exciting". But just because it lacks excitement doesn't mean it can't be happy. This particular discussion point kinda sticks with me, because I feel like someone could easily say similar things about me, but I don't think there's anything wrong with working 40-ish hours a week and then wanting to spend the rest of my time relaxing, and spending time with loved ones. Sounds like a nice life, to me, and I think that's where most people end up.

Just because you've put things aside for him doesn't mean you can't find something that brings you some excitement. There's not much point in having regrets about things you gave up, I think. What's done is done, and what's in the past is in the past. You can still look for something to stimulate yourself with the situation you're in now.

[Trail Blazer]

On 9/11/2020 at 2:28 PM, ajequals said:

I think the last six months of being locked down and the lingering what if's has depressed everyone.  I personally don't have a issue in the world and I'm depressed ,One thing after another and now people are setting everything on fire in my area,I couldn't believe the amount of arrest today. .. Talking to someone always helps. knowing your not all alone. One thing I did is try not to watch the news so much. 3/4 of it is fake anyway. I've also been trying to keep myself busy with hobbies I have. How you feel effects everything in life. Is there something you love to do?

Sounds like you live in Portland.

[mark clemson]

While contentment does ultimately come from within, it's also true that our partner can have a lot to do with it. Just as I wouldn't expect someone to be happy with a chronic painful illness, or with their house slowly deteriorating around them, I wouldn't expect them to be happy with a partner who genuinely doesn't meet their needs.

I think you need to decide whether this is a rough patch or possibly the end for you.

[Milly May June]

Hi there, People grow and change. Sometimes when we give up too much of our Dreams and aspirations so others can follow theirs we becomce resentful over time. Over time we feel as if we have betrayed ourselves. Maybe this is a time for you to figure out what you need for yourself in the future and for your husband to step up and make some compromises so you can focus on your wants and needs? Have an honest conversation with him. Suggest MC for you both so you learn how to communicate about your future together and some IC for you to figure out what you need to make yourself happy in life. From what you write it is clear you are in a need of change. See it as an opportunity to learn more about what you want and need to be happy and more fulfilled in life moving forward. Best of luck to you. 

[snowcones]

Wasting away....withering on the vine ......is a common feeling in comfortable, non-contentious marriages.  This is a sign that you are actually in a good stable marriage.  What you first need to work on is your inner discontentment with yourself - with how you feel about yourself and where you are in life.  This is a problem that originates within and only can be healed from within.   Learn to love yourself how you are and where you are.  Genuine self-care and self-love is a monumental undertaking for many of us who are used to beating ourselves up or looking outside ourselves for happiness.  I would encourage you to start there.  That will take quite a while to achieve and should give you something to do and not focus on your husband and his flaws.  After you get good at that, things will start to change, and then you can work on infusing desire and eroticism back into your relationship (which is a whole other topic).

Edited September 17, 2020 by snowcones

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like there's not enough room to continue your extensive list of complaints and contempt for him.

It seems like you want to blame him for all your misery. Including your IVF journey.

[schlumpy]

It's not unusual for people to re-evaluate their lives at some point in a marriage. It's likely that everyone has felt that an SO was holding them back at some point in life.

My wife has MS and I like to vacation in national parks. What do you think about that combination?

I agree that you need to break out in a new direction. I would like to see that accomplished within your marriage but if you can't, then please divorce first.

Don't set yourself up to move on and then blindside your husband.

It's so immoral.

[elaine567]

Like many women do, you have given up your career and life to support your husband in his and it is now grating on you.
You do not now see him as being worth that effort.
You sacrificed yourself and for what?
 He is a fat contented lump watching Netflix every night, with not an ambitious bone in his body, a lucky man whose career "fell into his lap".... a man who gets angry when you want to discuss change...
He has now also dragged you far from home....

Isolated and alone, you now see you threw it all away for a marriage that is not satisfying or fulfilling.
You are 38, can you really see yourself doing this for the next 20, 30, 40... years?
 

[Dork Vader]

I think you might want to see a LMFT to help you sort through all of this. Marriages have highs and lows, my parents have been married for 48 years, when I was young (a toddler) they came very close to getting divorced. They worked it out and are the happiest couple I know today. There is a lot going on in this marriage and a lot of negative feelings on your end. You need someone who is trained to guide you through all of these feelings.

I'm some what curious how recent are these feelings? Is there any chance it's linked to the on going pandemic? Lots of people are feeling rather hopeless at the moment. The pandemic has just amplified certain feelings in part because so much in our lives is at a stand still today. 

Sometimes things just don't go the way you had hoped or planned. Such as the difficulty with having children. I'm also curious if that difficulty is giving you the feeling that this did not go as planned, you then reflect back on your life and say since this is not working out, I should have done this differently then I'd be happy. 

But again this all needs to be sorted out with a trained and licensed LMFT. They can help you sort through what's reasonable and valid and what is not. 

Edited September 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Request.

[S2B]

Maybe it’s time for marriage counseling gif there are several areas of your marriage making you unhappy.
 

if your H isn’t responsive to help save the marriage then it’s time to consider a new future that will make you happier on your own.

sometimes things just don’t work long term - and I respect couples who realize that’s it’s just not as happy as they pretend to be - and make changes that inspire them to live a happier life/future.

[annabanana99]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Some have mentioned that I'm blaming my husband or that I appear to have contempt for him: let me emphasise, I'm not, and I don't AT ALL, and I feel terrible if my words have come across that way in my venting. He is an awesome person and I love being his wife, except for these niggling feelings of frustrations that I have, and have always had. We're very well-matched personality-wise, same sense of humour etc, just have very very different needs. As I tried to explain, we're not well-matched sexually, or in our levels of passion or ambition. Now, that doesn't mean I'm planning to leave... I'm not. But right now I'm finding this stuff hard to deal with (yep, am sure Covid, furlough and IVF aren't helping!!),  and unsure how to get past my issues, which is why I've posted here. Talking with my husband about things doesn't help, and only ends up with him getting pissed off. Sadly,  going on 'sexy dates', or even meeting him at the door in my lingerie hasn't helped. Trust me, I've tried everything... even suggesting threesomes or a hall pass if he needs it! MC is probably a good idea, given I'm committed and in this for the long haul. As some have noted, I obviously have some stuff to deal with internally, based around my own disappointment about children/career: as some background and for context, I worked in the music industry and won a Grammy... for me to continue on that trajectory, it would have required a) my husband to move with me to Los Angeles or b)get a divorce and move there on my own. I valued my marriage and the potential of having children with him above my career potential... so yes, that was my choice. But I hope that fills in some blanks for you. All relationships require sacrifice to some extent; I would argue that one always sacrifices more for the other. At least, that's the case in every long lasting relationship I know of...

I posted here, I guess, wondering if anyone else experienced these sorts of feelings in their long-term marriages, and if it's normal to feel this way...
I love that comment someone made about 'banging down every door, climbing every mountain' to take their woman to bed. It made me smile - how I envy your wife for that !

Appreciate the kinder and well-thought out responses here, thank you all.