Too much time?

[Bee]

I've been dating this guy for four years, and we just can't seem to get over what happened in our past.

 

I was thrown out of my home at seventeen and I moved right into his apt. That didn't go well at all, because he is a few years older then me, I felt that I was still on the reciving end of all the hostile parental control I endured as a child. Plus I wasn't completely honest about my past ( the abuse I'd suffered verbal,physical,etc. The rampent sexual behavior with every male that showed me the least bit of affection.)

 

I was seventeen but I had no idea who i was, so I just molded myself to every whim and desire he had. It was lie after lie,I didn't even remmeber the truth anymore. I put him through so much dealing with my problems. It all came to a head that Christmas ( we met in April, moved in togeather in May.) we went to his parent's home and I acted I'll admit in hine sight like a oaf. I was rude and generaly unpleasent. Then after that our fights became very loud and destructive. Screaming at all hours of the day and night. We came to a decision on our 1 year anniversary that I would move out on my own, so that maybe just maybe we could salvage our relationship.

 

So I moved and it's been a lot of hard work. I've dealt with my scars and hurts. I found my true spirtual self. I've grown alot in the past three years. But my boyfriend doesn't seem to see that.

 

Last week I wrote him a letter saying I really wanted to move to the next level of our relationship. We then had a long talk and it basicly was a attack against me. How i never keep my bargins and I was just "faking" trying harder at my life ( I'm a total piggy and he is a total neat freak.) keeping my apt neater and etc just so he'd think it was ok to move in with me, then boom I'm a slob again. I told him that if in a year if he still felt that way,then I'm not the girl for him.

 

But what I don't know is, is that too much time. If I'm not feeling fulfilled right now, should I go find that fulfillment right now? my girlfriends say I should go my own way. But it's been four years, i poured a lot of heart and soul into this relationship. I care about him deeply and can't imagine not having him around. But am i holding on to this relationship because it's safe and I'm scared to face this world alone. What do you guys think? Is this worth pursuing further or shouild i retire this relationship?

[Tony T]

You came from a highly dysfunctional childhood situation and you still have a great deal of healing to do. Adult children use relationships with friends and the opposite sex to work out a lot of their stuff. That's what you've done here but the work is not finished.

 

Children who come fro abused or emotionally deficient homes lack a sense of reality, are confused about how life should actually be, and long for some sort of stability...yet they are incapable of dealing with it if they find it. They are at home with chaos and they don't easily adapt to peaceful, healthy relationship settings. These children, when grown, are often terried of being abandoned in any way because of the physical or emotional abandonment they felt as children. And they have stuffed these feelings so deeply inside of themselves they are rarely aware of them until life kicks them in the butt and forces them to deal.

 

I don't think this is the guy for you. However, you have serious abandonment issues and you're wanting to stay with him regardless, a lot out of fear of abandonment. On the other hand, the relationship has been severely damaged by what you have needed to go through in order to get where you are. The world is pretty indifferent to the pain and suffering we sustain as children and this man is under no obligation to overlook your past transgressions and misbehavior. People don't forget easily...and not him and not you. However, he was there for you and has helped you work out a lot of stuff. You were meant to be with him for the time you were because you needed him to help you grow. To me, it seems his role is complete in your life.

 

For your own growth as a human, let him go and move on. You are on the path of healing but it's a long one. You are not ready to be in a healthy relationship with him or anybody else for that matter.

 

Continue to learn healthy ways of relating, how to control your anger, and whatever you do...always understand that the way your parents and siblings related as a child was NOT the way it's done, NOT the way it should be done. You basically have no example of how more healthy couples or families live and you need to observe that.

 

I'm sure you still have a lot of repressed anger from your childhood that needs to be worked out. See a competent therapist or read books to help you do that. Use a good search engine on the Internet and enter and one of the following: codependence, adult children, child abuse, suppressed anger, depression, etc. Skim the material until you find what applies to you.

 

Many men, including your current boyfriend, may never understand the pain you went through as a young person. Many won't want to deal with it. But you sound like you are well on your way to healing.

 

You need to get out and date other men. Don't think you have to develop a false self to mold yourself into what each man may want you to be. You will never, ever find true love that way. You need to find yourself and be yourself and this is NOT easy. Your parents didn't help you do that because you were in emotional upheaval all the time, in survivor mode, with hardly the time to spend becomming who you needed to be.

 

Get to the point where you love yourself and everything about you. That's when real love will fall into your hands. You're on an exciting journey of learning and growth and the fulfillment you seek will be had as you feel better and better about yourself.

 

Be kind to yourself. Join support groups, read books by John Bradshaw, Melodie Beatty and others on the subject of codependence, and develop yourself spiritually. When you become a better partner for someone you will find a better partner.

 

Be patient with yourself. This is not an overnight process. Understand that you don't need to latch onto every guy you meet. Learn to be OK with letting them go when you see they are not right for you or you are not right for them.

 

If you don't do the work you need to do, you will get married and without doubt replicate the confusing family environment you had as a child...then you'll have children who will be in the same boat you're in now. You don't want that.

[shanti]

Tony,

 

I could relate to soo many things you mentioned in your post. It brought tears to my eyes...

 

It´s crazy how some of us have to struggle in our youth and be in "survivor" mode as you put it.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it is really possible to live a completely "normal" life, when you´re used to something different. I know it´s possible to be happy, but I don´t know if one can ever have the typical happy little nuclear-family-type-of-relationship. Well, of course it surely differs from person to person, and whether you find a person who you are compatible with.

 

You are so right when you say that it´s best to grow past the sorrows from the past-there really is no rush to jump into a relationship before you´ve matured in a healthy way. It takes longer for someone who has been "damaged" in their childhood, I think...

 

It´s so nice when people like myself and the person whose post you responded to, are made aware of the bare facts-makes the "problem" so much easier to overcome.

 

I have said it before, and I want to say it again:

 

Thank you Tony for sharing!!! I may not always agree with you, but I always appreciate what you have to say. You are a very compassionate human being!!

 

Thanx and good luck with everything you do in life!!

You came from a highly dysfunctional childhood situation and you still have a great deal of healing to do. Adult children use relationships with friends and the opposite sex to work out a lot of their stuff. That's what you've done here but the work is not finished. Children who come fro abused or emotionally deficient homes lack a sense of reality, are confused about how life should actually be, and long for some sort of stability...yet they are incapable of dealing with it if they find it. They are at home with chaos and they don't easily adapt to peaceful, healthy relationship settings. These children, when grown, are often terried of being abandoned in any way because of the physical or emotional abandonment they felt as children. And they have stuffed these feelings so deeply inside of themselves they are rarely aware of them until life kicks them in the butt and forces them to deal. I don't think this is the guy for you. However, you have serious abandonment issues and you're wanting to stay with him regardless, a lot out of fear of abandonment. On the other hand, the relationship has been severely damaged by what you have needed to go through in order to get where you are. The world is pretty indifferent to the pain and suffering we sustain as children and this man is under no obligation to overlook your past transgressions and misbehavior. People don't forget easily...and not him and not you. However, he was there for you and has helped you work out a lot of stuff. You were meant to be with him for the time you were because you needed him to help you grow. To me, it seems his role is complete in your life. For your own growth as a human, let him go and move on. You are on the path of healing but it's a long one. You are not ready to be in a healthy relationship with him or anybody else for that matter. Continue to learn healthy ways of relating, how to control your anger, and whatever you do...always understand that the way your parents and siblings related as a child was NOT the way it's done, NOT the way it should be done. You basically have no example of how more healthy couples or families live and you need to observe that. I'm sure you still have a lot of repressed anger from your childhood that needs to be worked out. See a competent therapist or read books to help you do that. Use a good search engine on the Internet and enter and one of the following: codependence, adult children, child abuse, suppressed anger, depression, etc. Skim the material until you find what applies to you. Many men, including your current boyfriend, may never understand the pain you went through as a young person. Many won't want to deal with it. But you sound like you are well on your way to healing. You need to get out and date other men. Don't think you have to develop a false self to mold yourself into what each man may want you to be. You will never, ever find true love that way. You need to find yourself and be yourself and this is NOT easy. Your parents didn't help you do that because you were in emotional upheaval all the time, in survivor mode, with hardly the time to spend becomming who you needed to be.

 

Get to the point where you love yourself and everything about you. That's when real love will fall into your hands. You're on an exciting journey of learning and growth and the fulfillment you seek will be had as you feel better and better about yourself. Be kind to yourself. Join support groups, read books by John Bradshaw, Melodie Beatty and others on the subject of codependence, and develop yourself spiritually. When you become a better partner for someone you will find a better partner.

 

Be patient with yourself. This is not an overnight process. Understand that you don't need to latch onto every guy you meet. Learn to be OK with letting them go when you see they are not right for you or you are not right for them.

 

If you don't do the work you need to do, you will get married and without doubt replicate the confusing family environment you had as a child...then you'll have children who will be in the same boat you're in now. You don't want that.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Thank you Tony for sharing!!! I may not always agree with you, but I always appreciate what you have to say."

 

Well, we have something in common. I don't always agree with me either.

 

Thank you for your very kind expression of appreciation. I wish you great luck on your journey, the longest of which begins with a single step...which you have taken.

[lexy]

Hey, I am providing a straight to the point answer.

 

The reason you don't want to leave him is because you have been with him for so long and are afraid of the 'change' or what lies ahead. Perhaps you are also afraid of lonilness.

 

But girl, I gotta say something. YOU are young. He is treating you very rudely. You want to live with him but he is giving you excuse after excuse to not be with him. Like you are messy or something. Give me a break. If he really loved

 

you and wanted to be with you, then he would bypass all the

 

stupid problems like being untidy and focus on the love you guys have for one another. But no..he gives an excuse. You don't need that. Perhaps if you take the innitiative and tell him you want to be alone and make it alone, then he will appreciate you more. He might say to himself "Oh..she doesnt want to be with me?" ANd try hard to please you, instead of you wanting to please him. You can't MAKE a guy want you, trust me..I have been trying to do that with my ex for a year now, and I am finally realizing that I should never try hard to keep a boyfriend...thats not what a relationship is at all. I know you will say "Yah, but I was rude before at his parents house, and Im no angel"..but who cares..you don't deserve how he is treating you. I hope you take my advice and date other people who look into your eyes with love, and BEG you to live with them, and be with them Someone who appreciates everything you do. IF you have problems now, then imagine when you have kids? Do you really want your children to see Mommy and Daddy screaming at eachother? Please, take my advice, move on and realize that to better yourself, you must leave this guy and find a winner!