I shook my mother

[KaReNine]

I'm an adult now (age 25) and feel like garbage. I've been having current tensions with her for nearly 2 years. It started when I had to move back with her and she would meddle in 2 of my relationships. She insulted them, gossiped non-stoppable to others about them, was rude to them, made sarcastic comments, etc. Both of my bfs would end up hating her and not wanting to visit me anymore. The last bf broke up with me and said until I live on my own again, away from her then he'll reconsider the relationship.

Eventually this culminated in a huge argument last month, where I grabbed her by her shirt, backed her against the wall and shook her while yelling at her. Everything I've been withholding for those 2 years came out in my anger. She was as shocked as I was once long ago. We don't speak to much at this moment other than basic things and bills. Am now officially a trashy person for shaking her in anger?

[KaReNine]

She kept telling me let go, let go of me, you're hurting me. Then I realized this, let her go and I've haven't stopped feeling like garbage.

[Libby1]

I honestly don't think you're likely to be helped in addressing it by anybody throwing labels like "trashy" or "garbage" at you.  Words like that tend to be judgements people use about others either in anger (which has a connection to violence) or because it helps them to feel superior in comparison.  So I'd urge you not to seek out those sorts of judgements from the people who enjoy making them.  It's not going to help.

I think the most important and pressing issue here is the impact this violent episode has had on your mother.  However interfering or judgemental she might be in the day to day, I think it's vital that you not only apologise for this violent incident but sit down with her and discuss how it's left her feeling.  As her daughter, there's always the prospect that you will have some sort of caring role when she's old and frail....and those times are not as far away as you might feel they are at the age of 25.  She's likely to be feeling very unsafe right now.  So rather than thinking up unpleasant words to use on yourself, I'd urge you to have that talk with her, refrain from any "but you make me so angry sometimes" qualifications to your apology, and keep your focus on the possibility that she now feels unsafe around her own daughter and there might be steps you need to take (including professional help with anger management) to address that.   

   

[basil67]

That's not trashy behaviour - it's abusive behaviour.   If your mother gets you so mad that you end up with your hands on her, you need to move out.   No matter how bad someone's behaviour is, there's no excuse for physical abuse.

 

Edited September 11, 2020 by basil67

[Noproblem]

Just move out already!

 

[Wiseman2]

She should have called the police had you arrested for assault and gotten a restraining order.

Hopefully she kicked your mooching heiny out for good and changed the locks.

What are you thinking assaulting people you are living off of because they upset you.

Get a job, get off drugs and get to a doctor about your mood and agitation and violence.

 

 

 

[MsJayne]

If you don't like your mother, don't live in her house. More importantly, assaulting someone, anyone, in their own home is just so wrong on every level. I would have had you out and on the street in a matter of hours, probably with a court date set so that you could find out the hard way what happens when you can't control your childish impulses.  I get that some mothers make a huge contribution to screwing their kids heads up,  and maybe this is your story,  but again...if you have an axe to grind with her, why are you living in her house? 

[ajequals]

I'm with wiseman on this. if you were my kid. and still alive. you would be in jail right now.  Hopefully your mom will come to her senses and get you the help you need

[Ellener]

Most adults get to a point where they can not live with their mother in my culture, it's kind-of expected as a rite of passage to become independent by around your age.

Your mother does not sound like a person you'd choose to live with if she weren't your mother but you don't want a situation where you're now being abusive in response yourself.

Apologise and never do anything like that again, and find your own place to live. I know that's difficult for a lot of people right now, trapped in poverty and unemployment and not having access to benefits or income.

My son would never hit me I don't think, but there were times a few years ago when he behaved verbally abusive to me and as a parent that's difficult because we love our children and forgive them things we probably would not allow anyone else to get away with but still don't want to face their abuse or see them making bad moves in life. He moved out, but I paid his rent and college bills a few times when he was struggling to facilitate his transition to financial independence. 

I don't want him living with me now he's grown up but we talk several times a week. 

That's what was important to me and to him- having a genuine relationship with each other.

That's what you've lost in your situation, you should have been able to tell your mother 'stop' when she was gossiping and being unpleasant. Your boundaries weren't there. Then the relationship suffers and fails. And goes down the road of abusing each other.

As you have found, it makes you 'feel like garbage' for a decent person to behave abusively, so now you need to start over, forgive yourself, behave better and change the situation so this never happens again.

Sending you love and encouragement. 

 

 

 

 

[pianomanwoman]

What Wiseman2 and the other said, I will rephrase. You must never hit your mother. Actually you shouldn't hit anyone.  Forget that you shook her, don't do it again she obviously loves you to have you under the roof. You must control your anger or feelings. Yes she is wrong for hurting you. She sounds like a toxic parent. Go gray rock, when she says something just ahum and yes and don't listen to her negative things, or as they say ..there's the door. Don't fight with her, she is probably happy abusing you.tell her her you didn't hear it. Even go as far to say you lost your hearing and your'e sorry what did she say, she will stop these kind of mothers want you to hit them so that they can say youre the one who is  to blame for their pain.  You may have to wear earplugs but at leat you have a home.