do I wish my friend 'happy birthday' even though we're on a break?

[Hopeful2020]

So thanks for the additional comments.

ExpatInItaly I think you’re correct in that I probably knew on some level that things could end up here. The moment she started treating me differently, and I could hear those changes in the tone of her voice occasionally which reminded me of the way girlfriends had spoken to me in the past,  I could have set boundaries by my actions that would have backed her off. I didn’t because I liked the way it felt even though it was never consistent. Anyway, I hope we can reconcile at some point and that the friendship isn’t over.
 

And Kendahke, while I don’t think she was intentionally being malicious I do think she overreacted and turned it around on me so she didn’t have to feel bad. One thing she did, which really hurt, was she tried to minimize our friendship down as if we’d just been “exchanging recipes” over the course of the past year. She of course contradicted herself when she said she didn’t want to think about how close we had gotten but it still didn’t feel good.

Schlumpy my “softer approach” was really because I thought I was being more thoughtful. My “knee jerk” reaction was to cut all ties and block her but I felt like that was kind of childish. Where I have of settled is that it’s just better if I do absolutely nothing other than just  unfollow her. In fact, I think it’s good if she sees me living my life just fine without her. If she saw that I unfriended her I believe she would just be validated in terms of how much I care because otherwise why would I bother unfriending her?

Ultimately, because we’re in the same social circles I know I’ll eventually know the truth of what’s going on with her. But I am leaning heavily towards the idea that something changed between her and her husband. They could be reconciling, he could have said something or both. If she had the freedom to start dating there would have been no reason to back off our friendship or ask for space so I think I was incorrect about that being the issue

Edited September 5, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[schlumpy]

I'm not a big social media guy and have not grown up with the implied feelings that result from my clicking a button. You know your own mind and possibly your approach is better, but you have to admit that she dumped the friendship.

In my world that frees me from all emotional obligations. She threw away fifteen years of friendship, not you.

I would view blocking her on facebook as simply redirecting my attention elsewhere. If she considered it a childish reaction, then that's OK. She doesn't sound like a person that is used to facing consequences and you certainly are not willing to hand any out.

As you pointed out it will all settle out in the future.

Be at peace.

[Hopeful2020]

6 hours ago, schlumpy said:

You know your own mind and possibly your approach is better, but you have to admit that she dumped the friendship.

I here you and while I don’t think she believes she “dumped the friendship” she did back it up to the point where that may be the result. 

And, although I didn’t unfriend her I did take the step of restricting from seeing my future posts and I even edited privacy on posts back to when she asked for the “break” so she no longer sees those. I also made it so she can’t tell when I’m on-line. I also did this for husband (who I’m friends with on FB too). In addition I took the final step of unfollowing all of our mutual friends ( at least until I have a bit more distance) so I don’t have her popping up in my feed all of the time with likes and comments.

To your point though I have decided as of now, for my own piece of mind, I just need to assume the friendship is done. I won’t lie and say this is forever but I definitely am going to set some pretty strict boundaries before letting her back in my life.

Edited September 5, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[Hopeful2020]

I wont get to into the weeds with the situation here because I posted about this under the topic of "Breaks" but my friend requested a break in our friendship a few weeks ago and her birthday is coming up in a few days. There are no hard feelings on either side, I know we will connect again, and  she asked for the break, in my opinion, because there are some underlying feelings that I believe she is trying to process because of her situation.

Last year I took her to lunch  and gave her a card. And for my birthday this year she sent me multiple texts, called and really made a huge effort to reach out. She  wanted to take me out for coffee but it was early in the Coronavirus thing so that wasn't going to happen.

Anyway, my initial thought was to do nothing but a "break" to me isn't the same as a "break up" and I don't think sending her an ecard and/or text just wishing her happy birthday and saying I hope she is okay is all that intrusive. It still leaves the ball in her court and but let's her know the door is still open when she is ready.

Thoughts? 

 

[basil67]

She requested a break from you - this means she doesn't want to hear from you.   So no, don't reach out.  

Here's a link to the back story 

 

 

 

[Hopeful2020]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

 

She requested a break from you - this means she doesn't want to hear from you.   So no, don't reach out.  

 

So even though she’s liked some of my FB posts since she requested the break, we’re still friends, and we’ve wished each other happy birthday for probably the past ten years I should completely ignore her birthday?

Just to be clear,  she was not wanting to end our friendship and she made a point of emphasizing this. My gut tells me that ignoring her birthday may come off as a bit harsh and a blatant snub since I’ll be wishing Happy Bday to mutual friendship we have on FB right around her birthday. On the other hand maybe this may tell her I took her request very seriously.

Edited September 12, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[Ruby Slippers]

I looked at your other thread. I think you should let the birthday go by without mention. You seem overly attached to this "friendship" with a married woman. Put your energy into things that have a future.

[Luna66star]

I hear this was a close platonic relationship but, seriously, I think deep down you like her more than a friend.  This is certainly not a crime. It sounds like you really care about her too.  Perhaps you were hanging around in case she split from the husband. 

I think you have overly complicated her life.  She has likely now erected a boundary in your relationship, so she can concentrate & work on her marriage, or at the very least make a decision about it one way or the other.

Are you in a committed relationship yourself? If so, it may be time to back off from the MW and put your emotional energy toward your own relationship. This MW doesn't feel comfortable being that close to you anymore.  She is giving subtle signals for you to back off.  She isn't coming right out & being direct  because.... she doesn't want to hurt you.

 

[DarrenB]

Nope.

You can give as many reasons as you want to contact her, but she has specifically requested a break from you and your friendship - you acknowledged that request. 

Is it wrong to assume at this point that you expect more than a regular friendship from her, due to previous actions from her behalf? 

 

[DarrenB]

46 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I hear this was a close platonic relationship but, seriously, I think deep down you like her more than a friend.  This is certainly not a crime. It sounds like you really care about her too.  Perhaps you were hanging around in case she split from the husband. 

I think you have overly complicated her life.  She has likely now erected a boundary in your relationship, so she can concentrate & work on her marriage, or at the very least make a decision about it one way or the other.

Are you in a committed relationship yourself? If so, it may be time to back off from the MW and put your emotional energy toward your own relationship. This MW doesn't feel comfortable being that close to you anymore.  She is giving subtle signals for you to back off.  She isn't coming right out & being direct  because.... she doesn't want to hurt you.

 

Summed it up perfectly

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

So even though she’s liked some of my FB posts since she requested the break, we’re still friends, and we’ve wished each other happy birthday for probably the past ten years I should completely ignore her birthday?

 

Yes.  She asked for a break.   

[Wiseman2]

I have always hated Trojan Horse birthday greetings.

These are greetings that are fake because it's just an excuse for another agenda 

So rather than a sincere heartfelt greeting, it's really a self driven manipulation.

Go ahead and send it. But she may figure out what it's really for.

By the way, breaks are nonsense. They are ready candy coated breakups.

[Hopeful2020]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

I have always hated Trojan Horse birthday greetings.

These are greetings that are fake because it's just an excuse for another agenda 

So rather than a sincere heartfelt greeting, it's really a self driven manipulation.

Go ahead and send it. But she may figure out what it's really for.

By the way, breaks are nonsense. They are ready candy coated breakups.

 

A few things.

just to emphasize - this is not a friend I have dated and nothing has ever, I repeat, ever happened between us. We were not dating and no boundaries have ever been crossed.In addition, there seems to be this theme in many posts that this was a one way street.

She is the one who started amping up our friendship and contacting me on a weekly basis wanting to keep this on-going connection. I had many times where I made a conscious decision to back off on the friendship and then the call or the text would come which would inevitably lead to multiples days of communication with us eventually getting together. Bottom line is she clearly did not want to back our friendship down. Then she got all “weird”, I asked her what was up and instead of just telling me she got triggered and asked for a “break”.

Finally, I have known this woman for years and the “break” request seemed pretty darn sincere and wasn’t harsh or combative. I think what prompted her to send this email is the fact that I had sent her text essentially telling her to “take care” which I’m sure she took as me walking away from the friendship.

As to the birthday there is no “Trojan Horse” and my initial thought was not to do anything However, I don’t think a generic Happy Birthday text is intrusive and I though the ramifications of not saying anything may actually hurt her feelings because we are still friends. Plus, she made a pretty big deal about wishing me Happy Birthday multiple times a few months ago.

But, I think I will just do nothing because if it hurts her, and she asks about it at some point, I can just tell her I was respecting her request for a break.

[Ruby Slippers]

You seem to be in denial. You don't need to analyze up and down whether to tell a "friend" you're taking a break from happy birthday. 

Do you have a gf/wife, or any desire for one? Why are you spinning your wheels with this married woman? 

[Hopeful2020]

Alright so I wanted to give an update and get some additional advice.

I have really been going back and forth on whether to acknowledge my friend's birthday but I am now leaning towards reaching out for a couple of reasons. First, I honestly feel like things have "cooled" a bit on what went down between us a few weeks ago. She has been starting to like some my posts on FB again and I honestly don't believe she is going to be upset, or feel like her privacy has been invaded, by me wishing her a happy birthday. I also feel like the longer this goes on the "weirder" it's going to get and it may start to feel a bit awkward for her to even reach out. 

Secondly, I just discovered that she won an award for something she has been pursuing for a long time and something for which I have been one of her biggest supporters. I am so happy for her and I really want to reach out and just congratulate her because I have been telling her for so long how great she is at that for which she received the award.  I almost wanted to text her today but I felt like I could just do a happy birthday and congrats at the same time. As to the "Trojan Horse" issue.

Yes, I guess this would be like a "Trojan Horse" but I consider it to be more of  "Trial Balloon" to see where she is at with things. If she doesn't respond that's her prerogative and I will take it how I choose but on the flip side it lets her know I care and may open the door for us to start talking again. I was thinking of sending a little meme with something like:

"I just wanted to reach out to wish you a Happy Birthday, say congrats and let you know how happy I am for you. I hope you are well"

I don't know about you but i wouldn't find the above intrusive at all. It would just tell me that my friend still cares about me and things are cool on their end.

Thoughts?

[basil67]

With this award she won, unless she copied you in on a message announcing her news answer is still No.  

[DarrenB]

4 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

Secondly, I just discovered that she won an award for something she has been pursuing for a long time and something for which I have been one of her biggest supporters. 

'Discovered' unexpectedly or deliberately? if i'm being honest it just seems as though you're trying to come across more reasons to reach out...

If it's really eating you up that much inside that you're resorting to this, then I say honestly go ahead at this point. Just know that there are various repercussions you could be faced with in doing so, and by the sounds of how you have been on here I don't think you'll take it very well - you've even said this yourself before. But again, if you want to disregard everyone on here and continue trying to find new ways to reach out to her, even after she's made it abruptly clear a break is what she wants and has intention to reach out after things have been sorted, then go ahead.

Either way, don't be surprised if it doesn't go the way you planned it to go.

 

Edited September 17, 2020 by DarrenB

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you miss her. Why did she need 'space" if you are just friends?

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

 

I don't know about you but i wouldn't find the above intrusive at all. It would just tell me that my friend still cares about me and things are cool on their end.

Thoughts?

I think you're too attached to her. A grown woman's world shouldn't fall apart just because her friend didn't wish her a happy birthday. Remember: she hasn't told you she wants the break to end. So your friendship is still on a break.

Also, I'm not convinced she cares about you (sorry). I think she likes the attention she gets from you. That's why she plays the push-pull game. That's why she's liking your Facebook posts now. She's trying to get your attention. If you respond, giving her the attention she so craves, she'll go right back to ignoring you.

[Noproblem]

You supported her for years and she won the award and never cared to reach out and thank you for your support!

If someone wants a break, either they are suffering silently  and it has nothing to do with you

or they are politely ending the friendship/relationship!

 

Delete her from FB, she won't reach out after the deletion since she is a virgo but she'll be bothered a lot. 

if she sees you in public, she'll act cool and doesn't show her annoyance that you deleted her.

She'll always think she wasn't wrong with you, she was honest!

She is either ending it because she thinks you love her and doesn't want to prolong this

or ending it because she caught feelings and won't admit it..

Either way. It has ended with the break, she wants something new. Nothing to remind her of her past!

 

So, no don't say happy birthday to her, don't ever contact her!

 

She can always find you if she wants! But you never reach out to her!

 

 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2020 by Noproblem

[Hopeful2020]

On 9/17/2020 at 11:02 AM, Acacia98 said:

I think you're too attached to her. A grown woman's world shouldn't fall apart just because her friend didn't wish her a happy birthday. Remember: she hasn't told you she wants the break to end. So your friendship is still on a break.

Also, I'm not convinced she cares about you (sorry). I think she likes the attention she gets from you. That's why she plays the push-pull game. That's why she's liking your Facebook posts now. She's trying to get your attention. If you respond, giving her the attention she so craves, she'll go right back to ignoring you

Yes,  I did get too attached to her and that never was my intention.

I think had she not started playing the push-pull game, and just treated my like a normal friend, that would have never happened. But because she kept coming at me intensely for attention on various occasions and then all the sudden backed off it really jacked up the way I felt about her.  The whole time I always felt like she was treating me like a guy who was trying to date her versus just treating me like a friend - which always felt odd.

And I do agree with you in that I don't know that she actually cares about me, or our friendship, as much as she said she did. The only time she seemed to "care" was when I pulled back from her in the slightest even going as far as to make passive aggressive comments on Facebook. It's painful to admit this but I really think was just using me to fill a void she was feeling in her marriage and she decided to kick our friendship to the curb, or at least to scale it way back, when her and her husband decided to work things out or she found  a more permanent replacement.

 

 

[Hopeful2020]

20 hours ago, Noproblem said:

You supported her for years and she won the award and never cared to reach out and thank you for your support!

If someone wants a break, either they are suffering silently  and it has nothing to do with you

or they are politely ending the friendship/relationship!

Yes! I felt totally crappy about her not reaching out to me about her award. I was so happy for her but at the same time so hurt because I know I was literally one of her main supporters over the course of the past year while she pursued her dream. To see her thanking all of these random people on FB, that I know she was not nearly as close to,  was not very fun.

 And I will not be wishing her happy birthday but I think what I have resolved  to do is after her birthday has passed is to just shoot her an email to just let her know where I am at with  things and that I am thinking formally ending the friendship. I realize this may be frowned upon by some but I feel like I need to do this for myself for a couple of reasons.

First, this is not some friend I have known for a couple of months or even a couple of years - this is someone I have known for a long time. There should be absolutely no reason I need to "tiptoe" around her like she's the "Soup Nazi" in fear that if I check in to find out where we're at she is going to end the friendship. Nor is this some woman who I dated for a few months and she gave me the "I think we should be friends speech." This is someone who up until she started to get a little weird everything was always relaxed and totally cool.

Yes, there are definitely some under lying feelings but I think there probably were some on her end at some point too. And while she has a right to ask for a space, break or anything else I also have a right to say I am not feeling comfortable with this anymore and I need reevaluate whether I want to wait on her.  I haven't texted, called her or even like, or commented, on any her social media post since she asked for the break - I have been very respectful. if me reaching out via email, which allows her to read, "digest" and decide how, and if, she wants to respond is pretty low key. Secondly, this will allow me to get some closure and take some control back

What really occurred to me is not only is she calling the shots now by essentially keeping me on the back burner until she feels the need for me again she has been running the show ever since we  got closer. I clearly should have set boundaries with her and those times where I tried to take space from her and didn't were totally on me but now is a chance for me basically let her know where my head is at and what I am planning to do unless she has something else she wants to say to me. I don't really see the downside here because if she actually does care about our friendship she will actually respond and tell me I am wrong and if she doesn't she may not say anything which means either way I have an answer and can move forward without all of these doubts and hesitations.

Edited September 18, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Hopeful2020 said:

I will not be wishing her happy birthday

Just send a brief simple text and leave it at that. To snub her completely won't accomplish anything. If she's just a friend there's no need for drama.

[Hopeful2020]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just send a brief simple text and leave it at that. To snub her completely won't accomplish anything. If she's just a friend there's no need for drama.

I hear you but "drama" was created when she asked for a break instead of just wanting to be adults and just talk through whatever was going on with her. Maybe I would have been so upset I would have dumped the friendship but odds are, whatever it is, we probably would have worked though it and I probably would not only be wishing her happy birthday today but would have connected with her multiple times by now.

And I tend to agree with Acacia98 that wishing her happy birthday would just be giving her attention, make her think I am cool with this state of "limbo", and leave her squarely in the "drivers seat" because I am so "afraid" of calling her out on treating me on not the exactly the best way.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Hopeful2020 said:

I clearly should have set boundaries with her and those times where I tried to take space from her and didn't were totally on me 

I'd be interested to know more about the history behind you trying to take space from her.   Perhaps there's clues here into what's going on with her now.