do I wish my friend 'happy birthday' even though we're on a break?

[Watercolors]

OP, you remind me of a guy in my social group. He went to college with this woman in our group, then they didn't see each other until 15 years later when we were all in the same social group hanging out. Her agenda with women and men - platonic or romantic - is to flirt and use people for her own ego boost. She's one of those women, who oozes sexual charm b/c that's just how her DNA was created. I've seen her flirt with women and men and watch these people drool over her. Meanwhile, she has a cold, detached look on her face b/c deep down she is a narcissist who doesn't want to genuinely connect with people. But, as you know, narcissists are masters of the mask. They look, sound, and appear genuine. But they are disingenuous to the core. It's just who they are. 

Anyway, everyone including her, knew this guy in my social group had a crush on her for years. Even though she was always with a man, she sent this poor guy mixed signals because she loves the attention it gets her. She'd rub his shoulders, tousle his hair, touch his glasses, smile at him while licking her lips. Drove the poor guy crazy. She even invited him to her wedding. He went, thinking he had a shot with her -- that her wedding wasn't going to happen. It was pathetic to watch. We all felt sorry for this guy because he refused to accept reality. 

It sounds like you have refused to accept reality. You are very intelligent and you have thoroughly analyzed this situation to the -nth degree. But, what you haven't done, is acknowledge the most important missing piece: you have sexual feelings for your married friend and misread her flirtatious behavior on social media and via text messages to you, that she feels the same. But, she doesn't. Or she'd simply be with you instead of her husband. It's just that simple. 

This whole "friendship break" is a smoke screen for the fact that she isn't mature enough (or simply doesn't care about your feelings despite knowing her for decades as you do) to tell you that she doesn't feel romantic towards you. She's hoping that you will back off, yet, be available to her when her ego needs another boost again: you are her narcissist supply. Women narcissists do this to men ALL the time. You need to do what's called "Grey Rock" her. That means, you just don't respond. Nothing changes. You don't delete her from your social media or your cellphone. But you grey rock her. You cut off her attention supply. At first, she'll test you, by sending you something passive-aggressive or something that is a mixed message. All she wants is a response. She doesn't care as long as you respond. But, if you refuse to respond, and you refuse repeatedly when she attempts to contact you multiple times, eventually she will stop using you as her attention-supply. I don't know if she is a real narcissist. I'm going by my own previous experience with women like the friend you describe who are narcissists. 

At the end of the day, this isn't a health connection for either of you b/c she's using you for attention and you're clinging on to her, hoping to be more than friends. 

[Hopeful2020]

On 9/18/2020 at 3:49 PM, basil67 said:

I'd be interested to know more about the history behind you trying to take space from her.   Perhaps there's clues here into what's going on with her now.

Basil67 I would feel the need to take space from her because I was getting really tired of the "push/pull game" which made me feel like I could possibly end up getting hurt. So I would basically do this to try to protect myself. 

Sometimes when I did this I would think perhaps I wouldn't hear from her again, or for a long time, but what would always happen is that she would give me a call and if I didn't respond another call would come. Eventually, depending on how active I was on Facebook, she would usually post some passive/aggressive comment indicating she wanted me to call her - this happened several times. And this wasn't in situations in which we were trying to make plans or something. 

As one poster commented, and  I tend to agree, this type of stuff really isn't what you would see in a regular friendship but more what you would see in an insecure romantic relationship. 

[Hopeful2020]

6 hours ago, Watercolors said:

This whole "friendship break" is a smoke screen for the fact that she isn't mature enough (or simply doesn't care about your feelings despite knowing her for decades as you do) to tell you that she doesn't feel romantic towards you. She's hoping that you will back off, yet, be available to her when her ego needs another boost again: you are her narcissist supply. Women narcissists do this to men ALL the time. You need to do what's called "Grey Rock" her. That means, you just don't respond. Nothing changes. You don't delete her from your social media or your cellphone. But you grey rock her. You cut off her attention supply. At first, she'll test you, by sending you something passive-aggressive or something that is a mixed message. All she wants is a response. She doesn't care as long as you respond. But, if you refuse to respond, and you refuse repeatedly when she attempts to contact you multiple times, eventually she will stop using you as her attention-supply. I don't know if she is a real narcissist. I'm going by my own previous experience with women like the friend you describe who are narcissists. 

Watercolors I have to say this is probably one of the most "on point" responses I have received so thanks!

It's funny you talk about "Grey Rocking" her because even though I didn't know this was a thing I think that's where I am going to end up on this as my logic brain has been processing through the best ways to handle this.  I will not be wishing her a happy birthday and as satisfying as it is to write out what I would like to say to her an email I think just writing it is enough because I don't see me getting any satisfaction from sending it at this point. I know she would respond but knowing her it would be some wishy washy response telling me how much worse she now feels and that she needs to extend the "break" or put in place some additional "rules".

Also, I have considered that she is a narcissist but I wanted to share a bit more because as much as I think your advice is the best I want to make sure I don't make a mistake. As to your analysis of the situation while she is an extraordinarily beautiful woman and  even though men, and woman, always compliment, and want to be near, her she has never oozed sexuality.

She is actually a big introvert, who is kind of a nerd that also happens to have a very sarcastic sense of humor which brought us together years ago. She has been with her husband almost half of her life so her last experience with dating was as a college student.  One of the "struggles" she has always had is that because of her looks people tend to think that she is this super sexually charged woman but she's just not and she can even be very awkward.

In terms of our friendship history some of it is similar to your friend but there are some things that are very different.  When I met my friend she had already been dating her husband for several years and even though I thought she was stunningly beautiful she was not the "type" I was into at the time.  I am not going to say I wouldn't have considered dating her but there were several women in our  "circle' that I was pursuing then. 

I did actually go to her wedding but I went with an SO I had been with for several years at that point. And until she told me that her and her husband were divorcing things had always been very casual and low key. When it comes right down to it we have a lot of stuff in common, have many of the same interests and often just seem to be on the same page with everything. It's one of those friendships where we can just look in each other's eyes and know what the other is thinking. This is truthfully one of the reasons I have been struggling with this because we did have a good friendship. Things started to ramp up over the past year because she began opening up to me about her situation and she also started to contact me on a regular basis.

I am not kidding when I say that for almost a whole year a week did not go buy where we didn't communicate. And literally every time I would attempt to take a "break", and pull back, (without saying so) she wouldn't "let" me. It often seemed that she could sense when I was creating a little space and then she would just start coming at me. There were many times when I thought she was pulling back on her end but whenever I though this a text, or phone call, would come. And even the last few times we got together, during Coronavirus, she was just as eager as me to connect. One of the last things she asked me to do,  which never ended up happening, was to go do a private yoga lesson with a mutual friend.  Then at the beginning of August I could feel some real distance happening on her side that was a bit different and that's when pressed her on it, probably too aggressively, and she ended up asking for this "break" 

But keep in mind no matter what feelings there are on my side I have never done, or said anything, to cross any boundaries and she clearly had a pretty intense need for me at many points during the past year.  And  even if she knew there were feelings she probably knew it before and clearly never had any issue keeping the friendship going so I believe  something changed on her end which made her want to "downgrade" the friendship and instead of just honestly telling me what was up she thought she could tell me she wanted "space" in general from everyone. It didn't occur to her that this wouldn't make a lot of sense given that she had told me many times that our friendship had been one of the best things in her life over the past year. As to the narcissism I don't know that she is a complete narcissist but I do think she was probably using me, even though she probably didn't view it that way.

I think ultimately what happened is that as we got closer she started viewing me as more than a friend and "using" me to fill that void left by her husband's absence emotionally.  I think that she possibly started to reconcile with her husband,  met someone who she felt was more "suitable" to her situation,  or had feelings for me that were causing complications in her life and instead of just having an honest conversation ,for fear I would walk on the friendship , she hoped I would just "buy" the "space" request and when that clearly didn't work she opted for asking for a full on "break". While my friend probably doesn't have feelings for me at this point (if she ever did) I do know she finds me attractive and she probably wants me out here as an option for an ego boost and possibly a "back-up plan" if whatever is going on with her doesn't work.

Okay, I know that's a lot of information but I wonder if that changes the way I should handle this. I am still thinking that the "grey rock" thing makes the most sense at this point.

 

 

Edited September 20, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, Hopeful2020 said:

I think ultimately what happened is that as we got closer she started viewing me as more than a friend and "using" me to fill that void left by her husband's absence emotionally.  I think that she possibly started to reconcile with her husband, or she met someone who she felt was more "suitable" to her situation, and instead of just having an honest conversation ,for fear I would walk on the friendship , she hoped I would just "buy" the "space" request and when that clearly didn't work she opted for asking for a full on "break". While my friend probably doesn't have feelings for me at this point (if she ever did) I do know she finds me attractive and she probably wants me out here as an option for an ego boost and possibly a "back-up plan" if whatever is going on with her doesn't work.

Okay, I know that's a lot of information but I wonder if that changes the way I should handle this. I am still thinking that the "grey rock" thing makes the most sense at this point.

Well if it makes you feel any better, you aren't the first genuinely good guy to be thrust into the "ego boost" role by a female friend. Whether or not your female friend exudes her sexuality (she's an introvert, as you say), she still exudes her charisma otherwise people would not be drawn to her the way that they are. And people like her, who possess this ability, use it all the time to manipulate people. Whether she manipulated you intentionally -- that's hard to say. But it does appear to me, that she was setting you up this past year to be her emotional affair partner, while things with her husband went south. The whole invite to a private yoga session -- none of my married girlfriends would ever invite their platonic male friend alone to do that, unless he was as gay as Jack McFarland on Will & Grace. 

You seem like a good guy who got swept up in the current of your married friend who is terrible with boundaries (either intentionally or accidentally). From the way you describe her, however, she does seem to possess some very narcissistic traits. Grey rocking is the most common response for dealing with narcissistic personalities. 

I would encourage you to read up on the Grey Rock method. It goes against our nature to go 'no contact' with someone. But, when that person is (for whatever reason) stealing our energy and not reciprocating in a healthy way, the Grey Rock method is the best tool out there (I believe): 

Quote

By acting as boring, uninteresting and unengaged as possible, the gray rock method discourages the toxic person, and they'll often seek out a more exciting target for their manipulative behavior. “The best chance we've got of a healthy outcome with a toxic person is changing our response to them,” van der Linden says

https://www.purewow.com/wellness/gray-rock-method#:~:text=By acting as boring%2C uninteresting,%2C” van der Linden says.

[Hopeful2020]

14 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Well if it makes you feel any better, you aren't the first genuinely good guy to be thrust into the "ego boost" role by a female friend

Thanks so much for this and I actually do feel a little better.

I have been having so much cognitive dissonance here because as an older guy I have gotten so used to playing straight with people and have them play straight with me. I didn’t see what was happening until it was too late, and definitely not with such a good friend. So I guess  the lesson is that I also need to set boundaries.

Its so frustrating because I truly do care about her and I really wanted the best for her.  If she wanted more, or was confused, she could have just talked to me about this. When I was younger I did  have a female married friend who “caught” feelings for me and told me. It was awkward for like “five minutes“ and we continued on as close friends for another three years until she moved out of state.
 

Anyway, she has started liking some of my posts on social media again which is probably her way of trying to get me to notice her. Hopefully this won’t roll into texts, and phone calls, but if it does I will respond but keep everything short and closed ended.

Edited September 20, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[Hopeful2020]

On 9/19/2020 at 6:15 PM, Watercolors said:

From the way you describe her, however, she does seem to possess some very narcissistic traits.

So first, I am finally starting to feel a little bit better and some distance from this situation. So thanks for all of the help here. 

 I  also, did not end up wishing her happy birthday and I have not done anything to reach out and I definitely wont now. I also have to say that after doing a bit of research on narcissistic personality disorder everything seems to make much more sense.  My friend and I were really only casual friends for years, and she was in a solid marriage for most of that time, so that's why I probably never saw what she was really about until we started to get closer.

 She went from being a pretty casual with me to almost over night starting to call me and text me on a daily basis. She would always do, and say things, that were not only complimentary of me but on many occasions shockingly sweet and even heart warming. I suppose if we would have been dating this would have been considered "love bombing". But the whole time this was going on something always felt off.

She kept playing this push/pull thing with me the whole time and although I never thought she would attempt to start a relationship with me it was like she could  never treat me just as a regular friend either. The oddest thing about the whole situation was that I had this weird fear the whole time that she might be replacing me at some point. It seemed irrational then but now it seems to line up with what a narcissist would do and there were probably signs that caused me to feel that way. 

I think when I was feeling that distance starting to happen with her that's when she was lining up my replacement and what she probably had hoped was that she could just put me on the back-burner until she got bored with her new supply or needed me for some other purpose. When I caught on, and called her out, that was her cue to do at least the first "discard" with me by asking for a "break."  What seems to confirm all of this is that there is no way this woman could go from needing to talk to me virtually every week for almost a year to being able to just cold turkey cut contact with me unless she had someone else in the picture.

Anyway, it's still painful but I think the "test" moving forward will be to not get roped in again when she comes back around, which I know she will eventually. 

Edited September 22, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, Hopeful2020 said:

So first, I am finally starting to feel a little bit better and some distance from this situation. So thanks for all of the help here. 

 I  also, did not end up wishing her happy birthday and I have not done anything to reach out and I definitely wont now. I also have to say that after doing a bit of research on narcissistic personality disorder everything seems to make much more sense.  My friend and I were really only casual friends for years, and she was in a solid marriage for most of that time, so that's why I probably never saw what she was really about until we started to get closer.

 She went from being a pretty casual with me to almost over night starting to call me and text me on a daily basis. She would always do, and say things, that were not only complimentary of me but on many occasions shockingly sweet and even heart warming. I suppose if we would have been dating this would have been considered "love bombing". But the whole time this was going on something always felt off.

She kept playing this push/pull thing with me the whole time and although I never thought she would attempt to start a relationship with me it was like she could  never treat me just as a regular friend either. The oddest thing about the whole situation was that I had this weird fear the whole time that she might be replacing me at some point. It seemed irrational then but now it seems to line up with what a narcissist would do and there were probably signs that caused me to feel that way. 

I think when I was feeling that distance starting to happen with her that's when she was lining up my replacement and what she probably had hoped was that she could just put me on the back-burner until she got bored with her new supply or needed me for some other purpose. When I caught on, and called her out, that was her cue to do at least the first "discard" with me by asking for a "break."  What seems to confirm all of this is that there is no way this woman could go from needing to talk to me virtually every week for almost a year to being able to just cold turkey cut contact with me unless she had someone else in the picture.

Anyway, it's still painful but I think the "test" moving forward will be to not get roped in again when she comes back around, which I know she will eventually. 

Look up the Greyrock Method. That’s where you learn how to stonewall the person with narcissistic traits who discards you (or you discard them) first, but then they contact you again, to see if/how you’ll respond. 

Friends can definitely lovebomb just like romantic partners. Even if she was angry that you chose a trip over her wedding, she handled it the wrong way. Then, you tried to resolve the conflict around that with her twice, and she stubbornly refused to resolve it (which is on her, not you).

She definitely used you as her attention supply. I think you are very intuitive and spot on about her behavior. Definitely go “Grey Rock” with her now. I guarantee you she’ll contact you out of the blue. My narcissist did and he couldn’t handle it when I ignored him. We were in the same Facebook group that I refused to leave after he discarded me. I just Grey Rocked the F— out of him; not responding to his FB messages, not responding to his group posts where he tagged me.

Then, suddenly he snapped and posted a direct “F— You, Watercolors!” As a public post to the group. 😂 It was hilarious. He tried to get a reaction from me with that which didn’t work. I didn’t react. But the group members reacted. They publicly posted that he needed to keep his relationship problems private or the admins would ban him from the group. So, he shut up. I eventually left the group and joined another one and that was over a year ago and I haven’t been bothered by him online since.  And he can see my posts on FB b/c we have mutual friends. But these mutual friends have not heard anything from me about my brief liaison with him because I’ve Grey Rocked even them, not mentioning anything about this guy to them and how I know him. Since he has over 5,000 “fans” (I call them that b/c honestly, nobody could possibly be close friends with 5,000 people) on his FB I’m sure he’s found other women to supply his huge ego. Fine by me! 

Chalk up this friendship as a learning experience and at least now you know the signs to look out for so you can cut off any future narcissist friendships when you catch on to the patterns that surround them, as far as the way they lovebomb and do the hatebombing too. 

[Hopeful2020]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Friends can definitely lovebomb just like romantic partners. Even if she was angry that you chose a trip over her wedding, she handled it the wrong way. Then, you tried to resolve the conflict around that with her twice, and she stubbornly refused to resolve it (which is on her, not you)

Thank for the response but I wanted to clarify. There was no wedding and no trip - she got married years ago. Her decision to discard came after I  called her out on a feeling that she was replacing me. But none the less, I appreciate all of your advice.

We are actually in a couple of groups together that would be normally meeting at least a couple of times per week, in person, if it weren't for Coronavirus. One group I had been considering bailing on altogether but now I'm like "screw that". In fact I am going to participate in a Zoom tomorrow night which I know she wont be on.

Ultimately, I don't see this ever getting "ugly" with her and I suppose part of this could ultimately be she just decided to go back with her husband but I just don't see that being the case after 4 years of being in a state of virtual cold war.

It's just hard because there is this part of me that still wants that "fix".

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, Hopeful2020 said:

 Her decision to discard came after I  called her out on a feeling that she was replacing me.

Hopeful, this bit comes across as being very possessive/needy.   Friends come and go and come back in our lives, depending on what's going on in their lives and how they feel.   Sometimes they contact us a lot and other times, contact is more sparse.   It's perfectly normal and when they need someone other than us, it should be accepted with grace and understanding.   "Calling out" a friend for this quite normal behaviour is a good way to set off their alarm bells.  

I realise this is past history, but it's exactly the kind of thing which will make someone want space from us.   I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful, but looking at our own part in the breakdown of a relationship is how we learn and grow from the experience.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Hopeful, this bit comes across as being very possessive/needy.   Friends come and go and come back in our lives, depending on what's going on in their lives and how they feel.   Sometimes they contact us a lot and other times, contact is more sparse.   It's perfectly normal and when they need someone other than us, it should be accepted with grace and understanding.   "Calling out" a friend for this quite normal behaviour is a good way to set off their alarm bells.  

I realise this is past history, but it's exactly the kind of thing which will make someone want space from us.   I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful, but looking at our own part in the breakdown of a relationship is how we learn and grow from the experience.

Hopeful, I agree with the above. Also, to me you still sound confused about the entire situation which is understandable. When one becomes involved with a married person hurt and confusion is the result to at least one in the triangle and often to all three. 

It seems to me the two of you had a friendship that segued into an emotional affair that you both are responsible for.  It seems to me in your posts you blame a lot of it on her. It'll help you out more to just focus on your own role in the affair (yes, it was an emotional affair and you did cross emotional boundaries), though I know that's not easy to do.

From reading your posts it seems you have no intention at this point of contacting her about her birthday, to permanently call off the friendship, or for any other reason. You're best off keeping it that way. A few days ago you'd thought to contact her telling her you were calling off the entire friendship permanently or something like that. If you get that idea again, please don't do it. I believe it would be a big mistake. Best thing for you to do is to stay cool and not contact her at all again.

I do believe at some point she'll be back trying to be your "friend" again and that it would be a mistake for you to try to pick up where you left off or to even back up and try to be casual friends, as you started out. 

This break you've had has probably, for both of you, built up some tension and when you do reconnect the release of tension could lead to a closer relationship than ever. I am sure your honest answer to this may be that you have no intention of allowing her back into your life as a friend. But, that's the way you feel now. 

I believe your feelings for her and hers for you are quite intense and that when she starts moving back toward you in her congenial way (whatever way it is she approached you) you will melt. 

For your own good, it seems best to me to totally stay away from this woman when she comes back for you. I believe she will at some point.

 

Edited September 23, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Hopeful2020]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hopeful, this bit comes across as being very possessive/needy.   Friends come and go and come back in our lives, depending on what's going on in their lives and how they feel.   Sometimes they contact us a lot and other times, contact is more sparse.   It's perfectly normal and when they need someone other than us, it should be accepted with grace and understanding.   "Calling out" a friend for this quite normal behaviour is a good way to set off their alarm bells.

Thanks for your feedback and I agree that I probably came across needy, which was not the norm for me. In retrospect it would have been better for me to just acknowledge where she was and not take it personally ( even though I think it was).

I do agree that friendships change but we were clearly not operating as just regular friends because with normal friends we don't usually have to tell them we need space - we just take it and reach out when whatever is going on clears up. And depending on how emotionally mature one is if there is something going on in a friendship that is requiring the need for a break, or to just take some space, the right thing to do is have an adult conversation.

This hopefully will take care of any confusion, hurt feelings and provide clarity. I made a comment a while ago about her "gas lighting" me, which probably sounded a bit harsh. The reason I said this is because instead of just acknowledging why I was probably experiencing confusion, and cognitive dissonance, she tried to completely minimize our friendship and her part in what had been going on for the pas year.   I don't think she was intentionally being malicious but it was her way of not taking any responsibility for her part in the whole situation.

Anyway, this was a good wake up call for setting boundaries even as an old guy😉

[Hopeful2020]

15 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

For your own good, it seems best to me to totally stay away from this woman when she comes back for you. I believe she will at some point.

Thanks for your  thoughts. 

There is no question that she will be back in my life again and to be honest she really still is because of Social Media and all of our mutual friends. There's even a chance I will end up seeing her on a Zoom within the next couple of weeks. 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 hours ago, Hopeful2020 said:

Thanks for your  thoughts. 

There is no question that she will be back in my life again and to be honest she really still is because of Social Media and all of our mutual friends. There's even a chance I will end up seeing her on a Zoom within the next couple of weeks. 

 

Yes, but that's not what I was talking about. I'm talking about she'll be back in a way that will make "old times" accessible to you. This wouldn't be good for either of you. Best for you to stay totally away from her while she's married. Just be cordial in social settings but move away from her as soon as possible, don't linger near her for casual conversations.

Edited September 23, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[Hopeful2020]

22 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Yes, but that's not what I was talking about. I'm talking about she'll be back in a way that will make "old times" accessible to you. This wouldn't be good for either of you. Best for you to stay totally away from her while she's married. Just be cordial in social settings but move away from her as soon as possible, don't linger near her for casual conversations.

Thanks for the clarification and I completely agree. I think the "test" is going to be when she notices I am not giving her the same level of attention I used to give her - that was the usual trigger for her. Only now I recognize the patter more and will be a lot more cognizant of it when, and if, it starts again.

[miss2017]

On 9/1/2020 at 10:05 PM, Hopeful2020 said:

So I have a good friend of 15 years who recently asked to take a "break" in our friendship.

We are platonic friends ( I am a man and she is a woman) and she has been going through somewhat of a difficult living situation with her husband for the past five years - they still live together but are roommates at this point. Her reasoning for asking for a break was that when she said she wanted to take space from everyone in the world accept her immediate family because things were getting too stressful.

While I understood where she was coming from in general I didn't get how it applied to me as we had been communication on pretty much a weekly basis for the past year and had even gotten together several times after Coronavirus started taking over everything. Plus she had been relying on me as kind of a confidante, and even emotional support, for everything she was going through. It just seemed odd that all of the sudden should wouldn't need me.

I think what "triggered" her is that she felt she was up for "friendship review", which it wasn't. I also had said in the email that I felt she might have replaced me - which she clearly didn't like  me saying. The reason  I said this, however, is because my friend happens to be an extremely attractive woman and I have often wondered if there were other male friends like me in her life. She has said time and time again that she could never imagine dating again, and it would be hard in her situation, but it occurred to me that this might be going on and instead of just being upfront about it she chose to ask for "space". We are just friends so I am cool with whatever makes her happy but I could see how she might not want to say anything because we got really close and there were clearly some underlying feelings happening ( which she pretty much admitted but didn't want to discuss). 

 And to further complicate matters we are friends on FB and she even made a comment that she might be liking my posts which I am not sure how I feel about. Part of me felt like I probably should have just told her I was going to unfriend her and she could friend me back when she is ready for the break to be over. And the final piece here is that her birthday is coming up soon so do I just ignore it unless she reaches out first? If I text her to say "happy birthday" is that a violation of the break? But I also don't know how I will feel if I reach out and she comes back with just "thanks" and nothing else.

i am just really confused how to proceed here because this is someone I care a lot about and I have never been in this  type of situation before. And what's really odd here is that we were not dating, no boundaries have been crossed and I don't even think the stuff I said to her was really enough for her to ask for a break. I feel like she should have just  talked to me about how she felt rather than jumping right to taking a "break."I have no doubt she wants to remain friends because she took great pains to make that clear but I am trying to figure out the best way to navigate this.

 

This is not about her, this is about you.

It seems to me you are emotionally unavailable (for whatever reason) and so are having an emotional affair with this woman because she is "safe", as in she was married and now not available for anything with you.

I think she is doing you a favour and you need to take a good look at yourself. Let go of her and work on yourself and your issues, so you become available for a real and complete intimate relationship with another woman.

[Hopeful2020]

 

51 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

This is not about her, this is about you.

It's "funny" you responded on this because I was about to come in and give an update about this situation but I wanted to address your comment first.

I am guessing you read all of the back and forth here and while I appreciate your comment you seem to think that this was a one way street and the overriding fact that this is a person I was "friends" with. Yes, we got close, yes there were underlying feelings, and yes, I guess we got too close and were having somewhat of an "emotional affair" but we never discussed anything out of line, nothing physically every happened between us so as and as an "adult" if she was having some issue with our friendship she should have just been upfront and had conversation with me so we would move through this and not have our friendship end but as you will see in my update I was not dealing with a normal adult here.

[Hopeful2020]

So I wanted to give an update as to what ultimately ended up happening here so perhaps others will learn from my experience and also because I feel horrible at the moment and I wanted to have a safe place to vent. To summarize this friendship is over for me and I have decided to move on from it for my own mental health. In a nutshell, against much of the advice here, I went ahead and emailed her a couple of weeks ago wishing her a happy birthday and congratulating her on her business accomplishments.  I kept the email short and I even made it clear she didn't need to respond. 

If she did respond I was kind of hoping she would just shoot me a text which would indicate that we might be going back to some normalcy. But I knew this wasn't going to happen because the whole space, and then "break" request, just never felt right to me - I just felt it was an overreaction to justify something going on with her she didn't want to address.  Well,  she did respond to my email, and it wasn't a short response.  And, in fact, there was no anger, or frustration, in her response - she was evidently fine.

No, she chose to spend the whole email telling about her new business, emphasizing multiple times how busy she was. She even said that she had thought about calling me a couple of weeks before but that we had always had a hard time talking at the time she was available to talk most days. Yes, this was one of the weird things with her - she could only talk to me at a certain time of day -usually when she was walking her dogs between 5 and 6. I always found this strange because when I would call her during the day she would never answer and we would often have to make plans when to talk when she was walking her dogs. This should have probably been a "red flag" because she had told me her husband worked from home but at the same time we never talked about anything inappropriate, I know her husband, and she had said they were completely emotionally, and physically.

Anyway, she proceeds to tell me she was happy that I was wiling to accept what "friendship offerings" she had right now (who the heck says something like this?). I had told her in the email I had some recent changes in my life I looked forward to talking to her about but she did not ask me one thing about my life. Instead she just said she looked forward to hearing about those things when we "eventually" connected again - evidently she's now running a Fortune 500 Company and raising 3 children under five (yes, this is sarcasm). She also half-ass thanked me for support with her business even though I was her number one "cheerleader" the whole time she was getting started and she continued to try to rewrite history, and minimize our friendship, through out the course of the email.

So this woman, who I had been friends with for two decades and who had needed my presence in her life on a weekly basis for most of the past year. This woman who had told me how special our friendship was and how special I was to her. This woman who had actually told me I was one of the top people on her "list" at this point (probably another red flag) evidently didn't have time for me. I truly have not experienced this much cognitive dissonance in a friendship since I was in junior high. I spent the past couple of weeks hoping that I would get a call, text or even see another email but I knew it wouldn't happen and I finally came to  a couple of conclusions.  First, she had never truly viewed me as a friend and for most of the past year she had used me as an "emotional placeholder".

 All of the caring, concern and interest she gave me was just given so that she could keep me there to supply her with what she needed until she got bored and/or a better option came along. If she really cared about me, and she really thought of me as a friend, she would have been telling me all along if she had other stuff going on in her life and, at a minimum, she would have been honest with me. I also concluded, which goes along with this, that she either met someone else or had another guy "friend" who she had been working and when that relationship was in place she decided to discard me. I know her pretty well and for as beautiful as she is she is pretty damn needy and insecure so I don't believe for one second she is just going it alone now. But she likes to project an image of this really nice, and caring, woman and admitting that she had "used" me would not really fall in line with that image.  Secondly, I have concluded that my feelings for her were not love, or anything like that, but were related to something called the "trauma bond".

My understanding is that that "trauma bond" is something that people who have narcissistic personality disorder create with people in their lives. I am sure someone here will correct me but this is evidently created when the narcissist engages in constant positive and negative reinforcement behavior with people in their lives. If you think about normal relationships you usually get to a point where you feel secure with a person and know where you stand with them. But if a person has a pattern of giving you a lot of positive attention and then completely withdraws and/or gives you negative attention, it creates a drug like reaction in the sense that you keep "jonesing" for that next bit of positive attention which starts to happen less and less until they discard you. Basically, your feelings are always in this heightened state because you never settle into a normal relationship with the person. The second conclusion I came to, even though people had suggested it here, was that I needed to cut all contact with her.

I could have let things go and I know she would  have contacted me again when she needed another ego boost and validation. I also know that she would have acted like everything was normal and nothing had ever happened between us doing even more damage to me. The other issue is that I kept "stalking" her social media which has giving me zero clues about what's going on with her. She had told me before that she was trying to dial down her time on social media  but it only adds insult to injury when she said she was so busy but evidently has time to go onto Facebook, post memes, and write paragraph responses to nonsense  on mutual friends posts. Ultimately,  I ended up blocking her (and her husband) everywhere. Given how self-absorbed she is she may not notice for months, if she notices at all, but at the end of the day I needed to cut off all avenues for me to engage with her because it was not healthy for me to have this little "door" open and have this illusion that still have a relationship with her.

Anyway, needless to say, and I feel stupid saying this, but I feel pretty emotionally devastated and hurt by all of this and I can't believe I let this happen at this age. But I guess even at this "old age" I can still learn lessons.

 

Edited October 8, 2020 by Hopeful2020

[miss2017]

1 hour ago, Hopeful2020 said:

 

It's "funny" you responded on this because I was about to come in and give an update about this situation but I wanted to address your comment first.

I am guessing you read all of the back and forth here and while I appreciate your comment you seem to think that this was a one way street and the overriding fact that this is a person I was "friends" with. Yes, we got close, yes there were underlying feelings, and yes, I guess we got too close and were having somewhat of an "emotional affair" but we never discussed anything out of line, nothing physically every happened between us so as and as an "adult" if she was having some issue with our friendship she should have just been upfront and had conversation with me so we would move through this and not have our friendship end but as you will see in my update I was not dealing with a normal adult here.

Again, I say this is not about her but about you.

The never been discussed anything else besides friendship is what I meant by she being ‘safe’ for you. Because there was no physical relationship, the relationship was safe for an emotional unavailable person because there is that safe distance you require.

And I’ll say it again, tell her goodbye and move on with your life, you are now free to have a normal healthy relationship with a woman who is truly available to you.

Focus on also being truly available yourself.

Edited October 8, 2020 by miss2017