He accused me of cheating on Social Media

[SBMommy]

I've never done something like this, a forum. But here goes:  I've been dating this man for 7 years now and we have a child and another on the way. I've known him when we were kids, 20+ years ago and lost contact off and on in between. He is my best friend and knows so much about me than anyone else in my life. Unfortunately, a few months back, he hung around the wrong "friends" who clouded his mind about me. Long story short, while at work, on break, I see a post he shared on social media saying pretty much that I cheated and gave him some sort of STD and that the "other person" can have me. I was floored and so was my heart, seeing as I did not see anything like this coming at all. He did this and all his family, my family and our friends saw this! The only thing I could do was go home right away and get answers as to why he would post something like that, what happened and suggest we both get tested to prove I did nothing and he couldn't have had anything. I made an appointment that day, and he skipped it! Took off, disappeared. He never gave me a straight answer, and later that night, late, he asks me to come get him and take him to the hospital. Against my better judgement, I did and found out his "friends" drugged him.  Fast forward to today...yes we worked through it somehow, moved and he no longer speaks to those friends. BUT, with these pregnancy hormones, that event has come back and truly has me hurting, wondering if I did the right thing in forgiving him for such a horrible accusation. And now with financial issues on top of that, basically him lying about his spending and getting angry when asking him where his money goes if he makes decent enough, yet CANT pay the rent (getting evicted) when I'm paying everything else on so little, including doing EVERYTHING for our kid, as all mommy's do. This is a bit embarrassing for me but I have no one to talk to and wouldn't want my family/friends knowing and feeling like they will judge him. And side note to top off the 1st event: on his own, back then, he said he was gonna post that I hadn't cheated and how we are stronger than ever, so his family wouldn't think bad of me, but said he felt like it's not their business and they don't need to know what happened. Like, seriously!?!?!  I mean, up until now, I always felt that I didn't need to convince anyone anyway, and that only his opinion mattered. But since that day 2 of his family members refuse to talk to me, which he says "don't worry about them. Let them act like fools" and today a third made a comment that felt like a jab at me. I've tried open communication with him on everything that's bothered me, but I'm at a point where it's a debate in my head to leave him, not just over the whole social media ordeal but our actual CONTINUED financial issues, which makes me fear my kids' future stability, as well as feeling "off" about how he's been lately, or let this all go and not break up our family? I need some kind of clarity.

[Acacia98]

26 minutes ago, SBMommy said:

I'm at a point where it's a debate in my head to leave him, not just over the whole social media ordeal but our actual CONTINUED financial issues, which makes me fear my kids' future stability, as well as feeling "off" about how he's been lately, or let this all go and not break up our family? I need some kind of clarity.

I'm sorry. That's a difficult situation to be in.

It sounds like burying your head in the sand and hoping for the best would be the worst thing to do. So here are my thoughts. It sounds like your guy is keeping a major aspect of his life hidden from you and has been doing so for a long time. Based on what you've posted, it could be an addiction or something sex-related. I don't believe that he was blameless in the social media incident where he accused you of cheating on him and giving him an STD. Perhaps you were too quick to forgive him and blame it on the negative influence of his friends. And maybe it keeps resurfacing in your mind because a lot of stuff has happened since that makes you feel like you don't really know this guy and a lot of the stuff he says does not add up.

Anyway, there are a lot of red flags in your story, including the fact that he didn't retract that horrible statement he made about you online. It sounds like, deep down inside, he'd rather people believe those terrible things about you than know the truth about him. I don't know the full story. You don't know the full story. But I suspect that if and when you figure out what's been going on, ending things with him will look like the healthier, more stable option for you and your kids.

Edited September 12, 2020 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

My first thought?

He was the one who cheated and was projecting and trying to distract everyone from what he was doing by throwing you under the bus. Even if he didn't, it was appalling behaviour to post something so slanderous and defaming for all to see. Has he been known to lose his mind like that before? I would have kicked his sorry ass right to the curb for that alone. Immediate dealbreaker. I am wondering why it wasn't for you. 

I tend to agree with Acacia that this man is hiding something from you. That money isn't disappearing into thin air. His anger is a deflection tactic, as is his refusal to speak to his relatives who still believe you cheated and infected with him with an STI. The pieces aren't fitting together because he's not being honest, and you seem to know this. You also know that your family would (rightfully) judge him for being such a horrible partner to you. That's when you know your relationship is in big trouble - when you're trying to hide the truth. 

Letting this all go would be a grave mistake. It hasn't worked so far. It's only enabling his suspicious and unacceptable behaviour. It's not healthy for your children to be raised around such volatility either. I would seriously consider leaving, but speak to an attorney first so you better understand your rights (and his) regarding you children. 

Who were these sketchy friends he's been hanging out with, and what did he claim they drugged him with? Does he have any prior history of substance abuse? 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My first thought?

He was the one who cheated and was projecting and trying to distract everyone from what he was doing by throwing you under the bus. 

That was my first thought too.

[kendahke]

On 9/12/2020 at 3:15 AM, SBMommy said:

he said he was gonna post that I hadn't cheated and how we are stronger than ever, so his family wouldn't think bad of me, but said he felt like it's not their business and they don't need to know what happened. Like, seriously!?!?!  I mean, up until now, I always felt that I didn't need to convince anyone anyway, and that only his opinion mattered. But since that day 2 of his family members refuse to talk to me, which he says "don't worry about them. Let them act like fools"

EXCEPT:

🗣🗣THEY WOULDN'T BE TAKING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE JABS AT YOU HAD HE NOT POSTED A BALD-FACED LIE & PUT IT IN THE STREET FOR THEM TO PICK OVER.🗣🗣

It also wasn't their business when he initially posted that lie, so if it not being their business is the case, why wasn't it then?

No--he needs to go on social media and absolve you of the slanderous rhetoric.

 He was grown enough to post it---let him be grown enough to take his a$$whippin' for it... what a coward!!!

On 9/12/2020 at 4:29 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

My first thought?

He was the one who cheated and was projecting and trying to distract everyone from what he was doing by throwing you under the bus.

This is the truth of what happened. The guilty always make the most noise.

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2020 by kendahke

[ShyViolet]

This all sounds extremely chaotic and dysfunctional.  He publicly posted a nasty and untrue post about you on social media, accused you of cheating out of nowhere, got "drugged" and had to go to the hospital, and is a wreck financially and you are getting evicted?  Surely this stuff didn't just recently start out of nowhere?  Has he always been a little crazy?  Were there red flags in your relationship early on that you have ignored?  Why on earth are you having children with a person like this?

[d0nnivain]

A couple of things.  

First you need to have a plan to support yourself & your children without him. You cannot rely on this man. 

Second the accusatory post needs to be removed if it has not been already.  If he doesn't want to post a positive correction about those malicious defamatory lies, he at least needs to verbally speak to his family & tell the truth.  He needs to apologize to you & your family for saying such awful stuff.  

Third you need to kick some sense into his head.  You two should work together to set a budget. . . either he works it out with you & pays the rent etc. or he works it out through probation & there will be automatic deductions from his check when you sue him for child support.  

You have kids to think about.  Start acting like their mom.  This man is not your best friend.  He's is own worst enemy & a man-child at best.  He needs to step up.  

[Dork Vader]

On 9/12/2020 at 12:15 AM, SBMommy said:

I've never done something like this, a forum. But here goes:  I've been dating this man for 7 years now and we have a child and another on the way. I've known him when we were kids, 20+ years ago and lost contact off and on in between. He is my best friend and knows so much about me than anyone else in my life. Unfortunately, a few months back, he hung around the wrong "friends" who clouded his mind about me. Long story short, while at work, on break, I see a post he shared on social media saying pretty much that I cheated and gave him some sort of STD and that the "other person" can have me. I was floored and so was my heart, seeing as I did not see anything like this coming at all. He did this and all his family, my family and our friends saw this! The only thing I could do was go home right away and get answers as to why he would post something like that, what happened and suggest we both get tested to prove I did nothing and he couldn't have had anything. I made an appointment that day, and he skipped it! Took off, disappeared. He never gave me a straight answer, and later that night, late, he asks me to come get him and take him to the hospital. Against my better judgement, I did and found out his "friends" drugged him.  Fast forward to today...yes we worked through it somehow, moved and he no longer speaks to those friends. BUT, with these pregnancy hormones, that event has come back and truly has me hurting, wondering if I did the right thing in forgiving him for such a horrible accusation. And now with financial issues on top of that, basically him lying about his spending and getting angry when asking him where his money goes if he makes decent enough, yet CANT pay the rent (getting evicted) when I'm paying everything else on so little, including doing EVERYTHING for our kid, as all mommy's do. This is a bit embarrassing for me but I have no one to talk to and wouldn't want my family/friends knowing and feeling like they will judge him. And side note to top off the 1st event: on his own, back then, he said he was gonna post that I hadn't cheated and how we are stronger than ever, so his family wouldn't think bad of me, but said he felt like it's not their business and they don't need to know what happened. Like, seriously!?!?!  I mean, up until now, I always felt that I didn't need to convince anyone anyway, and that only his opinion mattered. But since that day 2 of his family members refuse to talk to me, which he says "don't worry about them. Let them act like fools" and today a third made a comment that felt like a jab at me. I've tried open communication with him on everything that's bothered me, but I'm at a point where it's a debate in my head to leave him, not just over the whole social media ordeal but our actual CONTINUED financial issues, which makes me fear my kids' future stability, as well as feeling "off" about how he's been lately, or let this all go and not break up our family? I need some kind of clarity.

It sounds like he is using drugs. This is not normal behavior any of it.
1. no one in their right mind would blast on social media that they got an STD.
2. Financial troubles here or there would be one thing, if he had lost his job or there was some type of emergency. How ever consistent money troubles such as what you suggest are a major red flag.

The irrational behavior sounds drug induced mental issues, which can happen if someone has been using drugs for an extended period of time or they get a batch. 

Everything that you are telling me in this thread makes me assume he is using or was. He might clean up his act for a little while, but the odds are he's going to use again. Typically how addicts get started, few weeks or months using, few months not. Are there any known mental health issues? It could be mental health problems alone, but the fact that he said he was drugged by his friends. Who would do that? 

[S2B]

All his money is likely going to drugs.

he just keeps betraying you over and over. He’s not a supportive partner. And now he doesn’t even have the money he earns to support you/the kids.

find out what he’s using! If he doesn’t stop immediately - make him leave and file a court order so you get support money directly from his employer. 
 

he’s irresponsible and a terrible partner. You’d actually be better off without him. He’s willing to take you down, drag you down and make you pay for his drug induced piss poor actions! 
 

you’re sleeping with the enemy.

[schlumpy]

Let's forget about him for the moment and only think about you.

I feel you are emotionally and financially trapped. Would you mind explaining why you wanted to bring children into this situation? Did you think he would have to love you? That the kids would make a difference and bind him to you? Did you think that he would show you respect because he hasn't.

Looks like you were wrong.

The first thing you need to do is detach from your SO. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It means that your decision process will be rational instead of emotional.

Type into your browser "cheating 180" and variations of the program will show up. Pick one suited to your situation and start applying it.

Think about the life you want and start working towards. If your SO wants to come along that's fine but you would foolish to waste more time waiting for him to come around.

If you stay with this man as he is, you have reached the pinnacle of your life and it's all down hill from here.

You can change that if you start right now.