LivingWaterPlease Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 It's more you aren't compatible friends, than anything else. Seems to me she has quite a bit of growing to do in the area of being sensitive and kind. This is going to take years for her. There may come a day when she realizes she should have been sensitive to you. But, right now she doesn't see it as her problem and there's nothing you can do to get through to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted September 23, 2020 Author Share Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) On 9/22/2020 at 10:39 PM, stillafool said: You are perfectly welcomed to vent your frustration about your friend here as that is what this forum is for. You certainly aren't bothering me. I think we are just trying to show you that to us it's obvious that this friend no longer values your friendship and wants it to end. Whether you accept or agree with me is on you but I do know you can't force someone to like you. It's beyond me why you would put up with her rude comments towards you for, 20 years? You must want to be her friend badly and she knows this so she treats you however she feels because you have no value to her. If you would ignore her and act like you are fine without her you might see a change in her behavior. Sorry if I over-reacted a bit... maybe I just wanted to make sense of what happened between us over the years that lead to what it's like today... Actually her rude comments started around 5, 6 years ago, although in the earlier years, she had also sometimes done or said some weird things to me too which still leave me wonder what's going on in her head... like she had once asked around the boys in class which one of us they thought were more beautiful, and after doing the survey she came to tell me about it and said the boys didn't think I was particularly pretty... I mean, even if she felt the need to conduct that survey, she could have kept it to herself, what's the point of telling me (especially when the result of her survey was not particularly favorable to me)? I still remember this because it's just too weird.. I didn't care whether the boys thought I was pretty, what baffled me the most was why she had to ask that at the first place... just too weird... Her rude comments only got more and more frequent or obvious since 5 or 6 years ago... maybe it's because I missed her wedding... but there is also one story that I cannot shake off my head and makes me wonder if it could be a reason behind some of her words/behaviour towards me... but you can stop reading now cos it's just another story with of no importance to everybody except to me and maybe it's TMI.. Almost 10 years ago I met my husband on a gathering which both she and I and also some other friends went to, and after that night my husband courted me for months which I didn't tell any of my friends... somehow later one time when I talked with my husband (then boyfriend) and I mentioned her (because I thought she was hitting on one of his friends), but my husband told me that actually after the gathering she called him and told him he looked like her ex, and then went on and on about the details of her previous relationship, and even asked him if he wanted to hang out with her someday, which he turned down.. I was quite shocked to hear that because I believed she was hitting on my husband's friend (whom she is married to now) but with that phone call story I wonder what she's really after. But anyway, she didn't know my husband was pursuing me at the time she made that phone call (she had every right to do so or even asked him out indeed, since he wasn't even my boyfriend yet at that time). And months later, after I made it public that I was in a relationship with my husband, she also started to date my husband's friend.. so I guess everyone has its happy ending and so I just swept this little side story under the rug... Anyway.. it's just one of the things that baffled me... wonder if it's the reason why she may secretly hate me or why she seems like to compare with me... I know it's useless and meaningless for me to write about all these here... I won't get an answer... just a side story... And I'm ok to not have her as my friend since I have better friends, but just that our husbands are also friends so the situation is a bit tricky... but I guess we just won't have double date anymore and that's it~ Edited September 23, 2020 by CaraGrace Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted September 23, 2020 Author Share Posted September 23, 2020 14 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said: It's more you aren't compatible friends, than anything else. Seems to me she has quite a bit of growing to do in the area of being sensitive and kind. This is going to take years for her. There may come a day when she realizes she should have been sensitive to you. But, right now she doesn't see it as her problem and there's nothing you can do to get through to her. I think it has something to do with her upbringing... her parents are rather protective, extremely loving and caring to her... she has a really strong and close bond with her family and it's her sole support system, and so she doesn't really care if people don't like her, or pointing out her problems, because she can always just run to her family who accepts her no matter what. I think her family treats her like a baby or a princess, never really tell her about her problems or any wrong doings.... I mean, since she was married at 29, one of the things that she has kept saying about married life is that she thinks she's losing freedom because she has to consider for and take care of her husband for everything she does, and she hates doing housework. So I wonder if she didn't need to consider for other's feelings when she was living with her parents and siblings before getting married? Is this why she finds it so hard to be considering and caring for someone else once she's no longer living with her parents, who took care of everything for her? And so being sensitive and kind is really something that she's not quite used to... she just doesn't know how... But of course, everyone has its own journey, different upbringing, different beliefs and values... And yes you're right that we're not compatible friends... I also find that our beliefs, our values, our worldviews have diverged more and more in recent years. We don't have more common grounds after graduation, since we have very different career paths and circles of friends. Maybe I just thought we've known each other for 20 years already, it'd be wonderful if we can be friends for a lifetime (I know she also thought the same way because she always said so too), but it's just... we've become very different in many aspects but we didn't face it and pretended like we're still friends... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted September 23, 2020 Author Share Posted September 23, 2020 20 hours ago, emeraldgreen said: Weddings often tarnish or destroy friendships. It's a weird thing but I've seen it a dozen times. Your former friend carries too much bitterness to even meet you halfway in the discussion and now she's just done with you. You're not a snowflake but you're on a different emotional wavelength to her and how it's time to tell yourself you made the effort and you valued her enough to try and fix it, but she just wasn't up for it. I mean, she sounds poisonous to me but it might just be that I relate more to your vibe than hers. I bet her side of story would be very different from mine. In her version, I would be the monster, and I would be the one who's poisonous, toxic. I know there is no use to dig on it anymore... But I try not to tell our friends about all these because I don't want to seem like I'm bad-mouthing her, and that's why I turned to this forum to vent and write about all my frustration.. as a way to let things go... And perhaps I actually knew she would take it badly if I discuss it with her, I knew her personality... and so perhaps I didn't really hope for a reconciliation, I just wanted to finally pour out my feelings, once and for all. Maybe I actually wanted it to end, because she has been causing me too much frustration and affect my inner peace. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted September 23, 2020 Share Posted September 23, 2020 1 hour ago, CaraGrace said: I think it has something to do with her upbringing... her parents are rather protective, extremely loving and caring to her... she has a really strong and close bond with her family and it's her sole support system, Although her family is very loving, could be they're all insensitive, too. Not meaning they aren't kind, they just may be kind people who aren't sensitive. And are a little emotionally clumsy, but loving. I know people like that. They kind of roll happily along, say things to each other that aren't unkind but would be the type of thing that might hurt feelings of a sensitive person. Being able to run to one's family is a good thing, though, most times those who feel secure in their families feel secure with others. 1 hour ago, CaraGrace said: I bet her side of story would be very different from mine. In her version, I would be the monster, and I would be the one who's poisonous, toxic. I know there is no use to dig on it anymore... But I try not to tell our friends about all these because I don't want to seem like I'm bad-mouthing her, and that's why I turned to this forum to vent and write about all my frustration.. . Good that you're using the forum to vent and not telling your mutual friends about her. Very wise. Sounds as if the more you let things go and take your focus off of her, the happier you'll be! Link to post Share on other sites
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