Married but LDR 6k miles away!

[CkMarmite]

Hi, Apologies for the long story!

I met this girl through my dad, she's from China and he kept pestering me to message her as he think shes the one for me (you could say arranged marriage or something)

anyway, Once she replied a few weeks later, we started talking on a daily basis (she using google translate from Chinese to English so the messages seems formal and clean), She came to visit me for 2 week in the UK, I showed her around. At first, I was very shy as my Chinese is terrible but eventually we started talking more and more. She went back to China and we started messaging each other and video calling. Some 5 months later, I said it would be nice if you could live here in the UK and I mentioned marriage and how it would be easier if we were married, VISA would be an ease to do. We hung up and she told her family and friends, I got a video message from her friend congratulating me, At that point, I was like 'Awwww s***, what have I done!'. 

At the time, I like her so I went with it. We got married 4 month later at the office in Hong Kong and I visited her twice that year. Her family and friends were very happy that she finally getting married (In china, if you're unmarried by the time you're 30, you're classed as left over women. She was 31 at the time). Her mum and my dad shelled out money to arrange a ceremony in China 7 month later.

After my last visit to China which was after the ceremony in October 2019, I planned to go back sometime in 2020 but then COVID hit. I got myself a full time job at a place i love working at and did stupid hours and enjoy every hour of it. We video call daily, it was hard because of the 7 hour time difference. but our chats has been steadily declining from daily video chat to a few times a week and now it's probably 1 video chat every 2 weeks that lasts for around 10 minutes.

I started doing all the VISA paper work for my case worker back in Feb'20 but that took 7 month and I still haven't completed it yet.

I'm starting to realised I may have made a mistake and to make things more incompatible is our language barrier. Her English is borderline and my Chinese is borderline. When we talk face to face, I speak Chinese to her and it's simple answers and questions, Nothing in-depth like I do with friends at work. she's the same with messaging.

We dont have kids yet as I want to hold out to see what happens between us. I want this to work to avoid disappointment from her parents, relatives and friends as I promised her friend I would not break her heart. 

My feeling for her is slowly fading and I believe her feelings for me are fading as well. 

I dont talk to her relatives or my mother-in-law as much as I can only answer yes and no questions and they speak in their china hometown language that I don't understand.

Am I being selfish in all this and not putting much effort as I should be? I dont really know what to do.

I feel like I'm better off alone.

[Datingdisabled]

42 minutes ago, CkMarmite said:

Hi, Apologies for the long story!

I met this girl through my dad, she's from China and he kept pestering me to message her as he think shes the one for me (you could say arranged marriage or something)

anyway, Once she replied a few weeks later, we started talking on a daily basis (she using google translate from Chinese to English so the messages seems formal and clean), She came to visit me for 2 week in the UK, I showed her around. At first, I was very shy as my Chinese is terrible but eventually we started talking more and more. She went back to China and we started messaging each other and video calling. Some 5 months later, I said it would be nice if you could live here in the UK and I mentioned marriage and how it would be easier if we were married, VISA would be an ease to do. We hung up and she told her family and friends, I got a video message from her friend congratulating me, At that point, I was like 'Awwww s***, what have I done!'. 

At the time, I like her so I went with it. We got married 4 month later at the office in Hong Kong and I visited her twice that year. Her family and friends were very happy that she finally getting married (In china, if you're unmarried by the time you're 30, you're classed as left over women. She was 31 at the time). Her mum and my dad shelled out money to arrange a ceremony in China 7 month later.

After my last visit to China which was after the ceremony in October 2019, I planned to go back sometime in 2020 but then COVID hit. I got myself a full time job at a place i love working at and did stupid hours and enjoy every hour of it. We video call daily, it was hard because of the 7 hour time difference. but our chats has been steadily declining from daily video chat to a few times a week and now it's probably 1 video chat every 2 weeks that lasts for around 10 minutes.

I started doing all the VISA paper work for my case worker back in Feb'20 but that took 7 month and I still haven't completed it yet.

I'm starting to realised I may have made a mistake and to make things more incompatible is our language barrier. Her English is borderline and my Chinese is borderline. When we talk face to face, I speak Chinese to her and it's simple answers and questions, Nothing in-depth like I do with friends at work. she's the same with messaging.

We dont have kids yet as I want to hold out to see what happens between us. I want this to work to avoid disappointment from her parents, relatives and friends as I promised her friend I would not break her heart. 

My feeling for her is slowly fading and I believe her feelings for me are fading as well. 

I dont talk to her relatives or my mother-in-law as much as I can only answer yes and no questions and they speak in their china hometown language that I don't understand.

Am I being selfish in all this and not putting much effort as I should be? I dont really know what to do.

I feel like I'm better off alone.

I'm 37 with no desire to get married. I genuinely love living alone. I do not want to live with anyone any time soon and I don't feel like a left over women. I'm excited to be single and move forward. I may fabricate the length of time I've been single to avoid judgement but I don't want to share my home or things. I don't know one person who has a marriage I'd envy. 

You are definitely better off alone! 

[Caauug]

3 hours ago, CkMarmite said:

I feel like I'm better off alone.

Yes, you are. 

But I guess it all depends what you want in life. Wife, kids, mortgage etc. or freedom, toys etc.

3 hours ago, CkMarmite said:

Am I being selfish in all this and not putting much effort as I should be?

Speaking from experience here: LDR are hard work!!! Both parties have to be committed to make it work. Both parties have to be working toward common goals or milestones. There has to be an end date, as in when it is no longer long distance ie: months or even years. I do not see any of that with what you have stated above. 

3 hours ago, CkMarmite said:

I started doing all the VISA paper work for my case worker back in Feb'20 but that took 7 month and I still haven't completed it yet.

Your actions are proving what you really feel. If you had completed and submitted the application it may not be approved under current conditions but that is up to them. You have not even completed it so that is on you for it not happening.

Maybe you are just taking the easy route by letting the relationship die a slow death.

 

[ShyViolet]

Why would you marry someone who lives in a totally different country who you don't even know?  Is arranged marriage something that is normal in your family/culture?  I'm just having trouble understanding why you would do something like this.  You do not know this woman.  You say that the language barrier causes your conversations to be very simple and limited.  You've only visited with her in person a handful of times.  This is not a real relationship.

You made a mistake in marrying this person.  You should dissolve the marriage.  Next time try having a normal relationship where you meet someone who actually lives in your area, and get to know them.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe it's not that you would be better off alone, but that would be better off with a woman you are actually compatible with. 

It doesn't make a lot of sense to have married her. I understand there are family pressures, cultural expectations and so on - but you're seeing why it doesn't really work. You don't really know your wife, and she doesn't really know you. You can't communicate on a meaningful level at this point.

I think you are going to have to be honest with her that you don't wish to remain married. She might even agree with you, if you've noticed that she seems to be losing interest anyway. People are going to be disappointed, yes, but you should not live your life to please other people. 

[CkMarmite]

19 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Why would you marry someone who lives in a totally different country who you don't even know?  Is arranged marriage something that is normal in your family/culture?  I'm just having trouble understanding why you would do something like this.  You do not know this woman.  You say that the language barrier causes your conversations to be very simple and limited.  You've only visited with her in person a handful of times.  This is not a real relationship.

You made a mistake in marrying this person.  You should dissolve the marriage.  Next time try having a normal relationship where you meet someone who actually lives in your area, and get to know them.

I dont know why I did marry, I like to think that it's peer pressure from parents. Arranged marriage is not something we do but all they can do is call up friends and ask if they have any daughter that they can introduce to me.

I've made many mistakes in the past but i think this one tops it.  I'm not sure if I should continue down the marriage road and hope to rekindle the physical aspect and hope my affection changes towards her or call it off. I told mum, she is very unhappy as she likes her and wants me to get together and spend more time with each other but this may work for a little while but in the long run, It will dissolve again.

I'm not seeing anyone else nor I like anyone else. I just feel like I'm trapped and cant do anything. 

 

[ShyViolet]

Stop letting your parents make decisions for you.  Do you live with your parents?

[CkMarmite]

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Stop letting your parents make decisions for you.  Do you live with your parents?

Yea, I live with my parents. I'm wondering if my affection towards her will grow when she's with me here in the UK. 

[d0nnivain]

The fact is you ARE married.  You made that commitment foolishly but now you have to honor it.  Marriage is about being together for better or worse.  This sucks & it will suck until you can be reunited but immigration is tough under the best of circumstances & with Covid that adds another layer of trouble & difficulty.  Still you took vows that you would put in the effort so step it up.  

You are working so you have some money.  Put it to good use.  Invest in language classes for you both.  Use babble or Rosetta Stone or something else if that is a superior method.  You take Chinese.  She will study English.  Make sure you video as often as possible, daily preferably.  Spend 1/2 of each conversation in each language so you both grow more proficient.  

When you are finally together & having sex regularly that will bond you more.  Sex releases hormones that bond humans.  I can't cite the studies but search for them.  They exist. 

 

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, CkMarmite said:

I just feel like I'm trapped and cant do anything. 

 

This is your problem.  You are letting your parents control your life and pressure you into getting married to someone who you literally don't even know and have no connection with.  Why do you feel like you can't do anything?  This is YOUR life.  You know deep down that this marriage was a mistake and that you don't want to be in it.  So don't waste your time with this.  Call off the marriage, tell your parents that this is YOUR life and that they don't make decisions for you, and do what YOU want.   Do not live your life for other people.  Maybe you should move out and get your own place.

[ShyViolet]

53 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The fact is you ARE married.  You made that commitment foolishly but now you have to honor it. 

 

He HAS to honor it?  That's news to me.  Marriage is not a prison, it's a choice.  People can end marriages, especially if it's evident that the marriage was a massive mistake like this one as.  Life is too short to sink massive amounts of time and energy into something that's clearly a huge mistake and not going to work out.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

He HAS to honor it?  

Marriage is not disposable IMO.  Of course he can do what ever he wants.  He was foolish to marry in the 1st place but he did marry her.   So I'd like to see him & her put more effort into this.   I think if they were more fluent in each other's language & close enough to have sex things would improve.  To divorce before attempting either of those seems like making one more rash decision on top of the 1st. 

@ShyVioletI also get the sense that there are cultural factors in here that do not color Western relationships.  To advise him to dishonor his parents is not all that helpful.  yes independent is good but there is such a thing as family honor & obedience to one's parents.  

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

 

@ShyVioletI also get the sense that there are cultural factors in here that do not color Western relationships.  To advise him to dishonor his parents is not all that helpful.  yes independent is good but there is such a thing as family honor & obedience to one's parents.  

I disagree, it's incredibly helpful to advise him to go against his parents, if they are imposing things on him that are making him unhappy.  Isn't the point of life to be happy?  Blind obedience to one's parents is not necessarily healthy or appropriate, or smart.  He has said himself that he feels "trapped", pressured.  Only HE can make the decision of whether he wants to continue living a life where his parents pressure him into major life choices, or whether he decides to become more independent.  It's up to him, it's not up to some arbitrary, rigid, external rules.

 

[CkMarmite]

Hi Guys.

Its been a month or so and we haven't really spoken properly on the phone so if immigration asks for our chat logs again, I'm afraid I have nothing to show. 

Anyway, I spoke to her if we married too soon and her reply was that she don't understand and asked me to speak clearer. 

I further asked her about our marriage and she still pretending that she doesn't know. 

I told her i will get back to her tomorrow and she should get some rest. 

With the divorce, would she get half my assets even though she never really lived with me in the UK? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CkMarmite said:

With the divorce, would she get half my assets even though she never really lived with me in the UK? 

Talk to a UK attorney about having it annulled. It's a sham marriage , so you'll need an attorney one way or the other.