dad died, feeling ganged up by mom and sister

[smuggy95]

My dad was the one that 'got me' the most. My sister and my mom are pretty bossy and controlling. They get offended by things inconsistently- it's ok if they do it but not me. They back talk about me to my cousins. I try to take the high road but also put up boundaries: not going to take lying, not going to take verbal abuse, even though I know my mom is mourning. She can mourn, she can be upset, but no being mean...I just walk away for a bit and come back. They find this offensive.

I recently, in a bout of trying to re-establish sisterly bonds, told my sister I am leaving her 30k in my life insurance. I have a wife and a child, and they will get the majority of the money. The amount needed to raise the kiddo was determined by me and a financial advisor. 

My sister said 30k was really low. My mom agreed. My mom asked what percentage of the total amount was 30k? 

Then tonight, as I was sleeping over at her house to keep her company (since she's afraid to be alone but doesn't want to stay over at my house), I said I missed my dad. And she said 'if you miss dad you would give money to the people he loves."

Again with the money! She said it was a joke but I explained after our last convo how I might be sensitive to it. And she says 'but it is a tiny amount, almost nothing.' I'm like "30k can be a down payment on a house! Or a car!"

The money is meant to raise her grandchild if I am no longer there....my sister spent most of her life not studying and trying to be a part time model. She is where she is on her own decisions. She's changed and she's taken great care of my parents since then, but we are adults and I don't think I am supposed to leave her a giant amount of money. She is capable of working and she has a boyfriend and her life is going well enough. She has my mom and mom's inheritance to lean on if she needs anything...Maybe mom wants to be a beneficiary too? Dad left her enough money to last 10 years (nothing for us, all went to mom and we are OK with that), and I figured we would just support her after that. I can ask my wife to, I assume...maybe that makes her nervous?

Am I the a**h***?

[basil67]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father.

But you need to get some boundaries with your mother and sister.   Your life insurance should be for whoever is going to raise your children if you're not around to provide for them.  Chances are it will be your wife.  Otherwise, the money should be put in trust for your children to fund the living and upkeep if you were to both pass.

How does your wife feel about you having sleepovers at your sisters house?   I can't imagine she'd be too impressed.   For that matter, how does your wife feel about your mother and sister in general?   I'm worried that kowtowing to your family is coming at the cost of peace in your marriage.

Frankly, I'd be saying to sister that as $30K isn't enough, she can just go without....and mention something about looking gift horses in the mouth.    If your mother and sister want insurance on your life, let them take out a policy, pay the premiums themselves and make themselves beneficiaries. 

[ShyViolet]

Wow, this is ridiculous.  As a father and husband, your responsibility is to provide for your wife and child.  You are not the caretaker or provider for your sister.  After her comment that 30K "isn't enough", to be honest, I think she deserves nothing.  It's really crass and poor taste to demand money from relatives, or to say what they are giving you "isn't enough."  You are under no obligation to cater to relatives who are acting rude, selfish and demanding.  Don't reward bad behavior.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry for your loss. Your sister sounds very entitled and ungrateful. I wouldn't discuss it with her any more. 

[spiritedaway2003]

First, I am sorry for you loss.  

Secondly, you are free to designate your beneficiaries and the dollar amount.  No need to discuss it further. 

[Mystery4u]

Why are you giving your sister anything?

That money is for your wife and kids. Only a few weeks ago my dad told me if he was to go unexpectedly, he would be splitting everything he has with his wife, their son (so my half brother) and me.

His sister is getting nothing, and rightly so! When their father passed, so my grandad, off course everything was split between them from him.

[Acacia98]

1 minute ago, Mystery4u said:

Why are you giving your sister anything?

That money is for your wife and kids. Only a few weeks ago my dad told me if he was to go unexpectedly, he would be splitting everything he has with his wife, their son (so my half brother) and me.

His sister is getting nothing, and rightly so! When their father passed, so my grandad, off course everything was split between them from him.

Methinks that the fact that he wants to is reason enough. More importantly, he's not shirking his responsibility for his wife and kid by leaving something for his sister.

And he may very well be from a culture in which it would be considered natural to leave something for his sister.

[d0nnivain]

My condolences on the death of your father. 

Your mistake her was telling your sister about your financial plans.  You just should have done what you planned & not given her a #.  Now if you change your mind or need to cash in your life insurance you will forever be viewed by them as the bad guy.  

Take a step back from your mother & sister.  Be with your wife & child.  You owe them separation from your family of origin & it will do your mental health a world of good. 

[Ruby Slippers]

As long as one isn't flouting any laws, they can decide for themselves where their money goes, whether it's to family, friends, charity, or wherever.