do I tell his wife

[Miss_Rome]

Advise needed

[ajequals]

There was A time I would have told you yes. but will it help you? NO... will it make you feel better?.  NO The only thing you can do to help is, repair this with your husband.  marriage counseling ?  which will do the least amount of damage to both of you or. Divorce him. which means everything is split. and you have to start all over again. I'm very sorry this happen to you

[Miss_Rome]

Advise needed please

 

I have been in an affair with a MM for 13 years and about 2 months ago I found hundreds of hidden files (naked photos and videos) on his hard drive (300 Gigs to be exact) of him having recorded s@x with 20 women including prostitutes. A few of the women in these videos are also married women with families. There are folders of me (100Gig) and a few of his wife also but he says it wasnt her thing thats why so few of her. I always thought he deleted these of us and was shocked to find that he had kept every single photo (sexual and other occasions) and video recorded. We have a very kinky relationship but I now realise that he tried having this with so many other women. Am I to blame for this monster created as I allowed too much kink as none of the videos are dated prior to us. It started 3 years after we got together. Every memory of the last 13 years he kept. Every woman had a folder by name with files neatly dated and titled. I was even more surprised at the neat organisation of all of this. Some were random, one night stand woman from his very frequent work travels. 

Finding this shocked me to my core and then I copied all the files without his knowledge. I confronted him about it after and he asked that I forgive him. I'm not so sure if I can. He asked that I attend therapy sessions with him to address this "obsession". Said he does not want to lose me and needs me to help him through this and he wants to put it in his past. He sent them msgs in my presence and asked that they never contact him again and that what they had is over. Is this just a further mind game on me? 

At some point during the 13 years she found out about us, she has harassed and cursed me countless times about us. So my question is, should I tell her that while she was so focussed on me, he was sleeping with the world. And because I was the scapegoat it made it easier to be with the others.

I hate that I am the only one who got the blame and phone calls and harassment when we were so many. I know his wife will not suspect any of those other women as she is friends with them on social media and on some personal level as they are his ex colleagues and my current colleagues. Some of these very same women were the women reporting to his wife when he and I would go on lunch, arrive or leave the office together...just about everything we did was reported to her for about 4 years and I protected him at all costs when she confronted me and denied everything, everytime. She would also make calls to the office to hear if I am there when he is out. As long as I was there, all was ok but this is the very time he was out with the others. 

So I have a few reasons why I want to tell her: To get back and ruin the very same women who were making my life a misery for 3 yrs. To let her know what her husband is doing. To let her know while she was so focussed on me, the people she thought were her allies, were actually trying to get rid of me as they had a spot in his life too. 

I love him so very much as I gave so many years of my life to this man, he became part of me and my kids lives but how do I protect him after this. How do I protect someone who didnt care about anyone else but himself. 

So many emotions I have been dealing with the last 2 months. Having watched every single video and looked at every picture. 

Does his wife deserve the truth?

Should I let this bomb drop and let him hate me forever but that would be my only way out as I've tried getting out before with no luck. And should I not care whose lives get ruined in the process as they didnt care them when they were a whole group against me and him but they were doing exactly the same with him. They claimed that they were trying to put a stop to our affair as it was wrong and she didnt deserve it...what a joke

Yes she didnt deserve it from me but it was ok from them right? Atleast I never pretended to be her friend, we knew where we stood with each other. 

So help me with my very big secret please. What is the right thing to do?

[ExpatInItaly]

You're so deep in the fog you don't see your own role in this. Your entitlement is off the charts, OP. 

You want to ruin the woman who made your life miserable for 3 years...yet you've been having sex with her husband for the last 13 years. Tell me you see the irony in that. You want to protect this man, but what about sheltering your own kids from this mess? You dragged them into this, Mom. This married man should not even be part of your kids' lives. 

And therapy sessions with a man who is married to another woman? I hope he was kidding at that absurd suggestion. 

This man is sick. Telling the wife or not is rather beside the point. Chances are she suspects a lot more than you think, even if she doesn't know who he's been poking, exactly. Drop the bomb if you wish, but keep in mind that it will do little in the way of bringing any peace to your life. That comes from you deciding that you are worth more than being a married man's plaything (one of several playthings, apparently) and leaving this toxic crap behind you. 

So the questions you should be asking are: how did I let myself get involved in this for so long, and how do I permanently extract myself from it and be a better person? 

[Miss_Rome]

Expat I did not say his wife made my life a misery, I said that the other women who were also in the videos I found. They were quick to judge my wrongdoing and painted the picture to his wife that they are Christian women and thats why they letting her know about us. That crap is ironic, now that I know of better.

And I suppose you have never been in an affair that is why you react this way. I didnt ever in my wildest dreams expect it to carry on for 13 yrs but it did and now I find myself here. 

I want to leave but he does not want me to so a part of me feels letting this bomb drop is the only way he will hate me enough to stay away. That way I will let his wife know that the other woman are not the problem but the person she is married to is. She blamed me for our affair countless times forgetting I did not make vows to him. Hopefully his entire doings being exposed will really make him change. For once I do not want to protect him because I did that for too long and now I feel like finally exposing him for who he really is. Because if i walk away with this knowledge then she may end up with aids. I actually cared more for her over the years than u may think, just too much detail to put in here. 13 years is a long time. 

But thanks for the advice, it's what I came here for. 

So yes I assumed I was the only other women in his life, I made alot of sacrifices along the way and now I want out. But do i need to give my colleagues of 11 yrs the benefit of the doubt. And I know their husbands too, and don't they deserve the truth also.

Let us all start on a clean slate, some marriages may survive this and others not. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Miss_Rome said:

Expat I did not say his wife made my life a misery, I said that the other women who were also in the videos I found. They were quick to judge my wrongdoing and painted the picture to his wife that they are Christian women and thats why they letting her know about us.

The point still stands, really.

I don't doubt they were quick to judge and smear you. However, you have all done this to yourselves as well. You have all now made a mess of your own lives as much as anyone else has added to the proverbial sh**storm. Expose them if you choose, but it won't change the bottom line: personal accountability is the most important factor in all of this. 

And you're right, I've never had an affair. I don't play second-best to anyone and I don't do other women dirty by going after their men. Not a judgement, but a personal standard I adhere to. You can't care about another woman and have an affair with her husband at the same time, so I would at least stop selling yourself that narrative. Ain't nobody buying that, OP.

Now that you know the truth - that you were not unique or special to this man- it's time to stop letting him call all the shots. It's time to stop living your life on his terms. If you need him to hate you to make you stay away for good, you have a lot of work to do on your self-respect. Start there. Cut this clown off and work on you. You have given up far too much time and energy to a guy who has evidently never placed the same importance on you as you have on him. I agree that you absolutely need to stop protecting this lowlife. 

As far as sending the videos and pictures you've found to his wife and husbands of the other women? You might want to be careful. You obtained that without his knowledge or consent, and disseminating graphic content to third parties (and of third parties) without their permission might land you in hot water. I'm not suggesting these people don't have the right to know what their spouses are up to, but you could inadvertently land yourself in trouble if any of them decide to shoot the messenger, to so speak. 

 

Edited September 13, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

I get that this has shocked you to the core and why you would want to get revenge.
BUT you need to look out for you and think clearly as to what you really want from your life and the repercussions of revealing all you know.
You will blowing up people's lives and that could be dangerous for you.
Be careful.
 

 

[amerikajin]

Normally I would say no, but his behavior would constitute a potential public health problem - and he also seems like he has some wacky tendencies.

I won't encourage it but if you do, I wouldn't see that as a bad thing.

[Datingdisabled]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The point still stands, really.

I don't doubt they were quick to judge and smear you. However, you have all done this to yourselves as well. You have all now made a mess of your own lives as much as anyone else has added to the proverbial sh**storm. Expose them if you choose, but it won't change the bottom line: personal accountability is the most important factor in all of this. 

And you're right, I've never had an affair. I don't play second-best to anyone and I don't do other women dirty by going after their men. Not a judgement, but a personal standard I adhere to. You can't care about another woman and have an affair with her husband at the same time, so I would at least stop selling yourself that narrative. Ain't nobody buying that, OP.

Now that you know the truth - that you were not unique or special to this man- it's time to stop letting him call all the shots. It's time to stop living your life on his terms. If you need him to hate you to make you stay away for good, you have a lot of work to do on your self-respect. Start there. Cut this clown off and work on you. You have given up far too much time and energy to a guy who has evidently never placed the same importance on you as you have on him. I agree that you absolutely need to stop protecting this lowlife. 

As far as sending the videos and pictures you've found to his wife and husbands of the other women? You might want to be careful. You obtained that without his knowledge or consent, and disseminating graphic content to third parties (and of third parties) without their permission might land you in hot water. I'm not suggesting these people don't have the right to know what their spouses are up to, but you could inadvertently land yourself in trouble if any of them decide to shoot the messenger, to so speak. 

 

There are men who have affairs and the wives don't care because the marriage is over. You don't want these men either, you will be going after a wife's left overs too. Stay away from married men period. I made a mistake and went for one of these men. He was married but separated and his wife kept him for his money. He was a mechanic. I ran into him a few months ago at the bank, cashing a huge check. Our affair lasted about four months and then it ended. He is still in the same spot. I also ran into him at Costco and we said hi and had some small talk. He lives at his house but sleeps at his shop. He takes care of his wife and kids. We had some fun times thrift shopping and out to eat. We cleaned at night together and he was fun but that was it. 

Edited September 13, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[Bittersweetie]

10 hours ago, Miss_Rome said:

And I suppose you have never been in an affair that is why you react this way. I didnt ever in my wildest dreams expect it to carry on for 13 yrs but it did and now I find myself here. 

I was a MW who had an affair. And re: the above statement, YOU made the choice to keep things carrying on for 13 years. Statements like the above are a way to make it seem like "things just happened" but that is not the case here. You knew he was married and you chose to keep moving forward with an affair every one of those 13 years. 

So, if you truly want to get out of this relationship, the choice is YOURS. You can release the information you have to "make him hate you" but the only person who can move you forward from this situation is YOU. If you want to leave, start making that happen today. It will not be easy as you've been enmeshed with this affair for 13 years. You will most likely need help (counseling) to process this and extract yourself mentally and physically. But the only person who can do this work is you and it has nothing to do with telling other people what this guy has done. 

If you really cannot let it go, I'd suggest waiting six months before you decide whether to release all this information, after you have six months of absolute no contact, therapy, and a clearer head. I agree you should end things immediately but I feel this "tell-all" decision is based more on emotion rather than logic. Good luck.

Edited September 13, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[BaileyB]

I think you should tell her only because if she is not aware that he has recorded her, she deserves the right not to be recorded without her consent.

She also deserves the right to know that her husband is a [real piece of work/insert your own word here]. I personally would not let the sun go down before I initiated divorce proceedings.

As for you, you have chosen this man knowing who he was for the past 13 years. You’ve discovered he’s not the “moral” married man that you thought he was - shocking! If telling his wife wasn’t something that you were worried about doing for the past 13 years, it’s seems a little disingenuous to show your concern now. 

Edited September 13, 2020 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

Sounds like you've interfered in his wife's life enough already. Her whole marriage has been a lie and she's married to a lying, sex-obsessed sleazebag, and that's enough undeserved punishment for one person. You want revenge because he's treated you with the same disregard and contempt as his wife got, but you can't see that you won't hurt him at all because he has no feelings. He doesn't love you, never has, you've been a convenience to him. I get that you can't stand the hypocrisy of other women in this sordid scenario, so perhaps you should be letting them know that their actions have been filmed and filed. I'm questioning if they're aware of this, I'm guessing the answer's no if they're masquerading as friends of his wife.  You say you love him, what exactly is it that's so lovable about a person who you've painted as the scum of the Earth? My advice would be to remove yourself from this ugly scene and do some hard work on your self esteem. Thirteen years is a long time to allow a narcissistic pervert to manipulate and use you. 

[C52]

If he's that much of a sleaze then I think I'd be questioning how 'close' he got to your kids. As for the other women in the videos, it might be a better idea to let them know that he has a trove of photos and videos that could become known to others (if they haven't already). As for his wife - she's put up with enough.

[pepperbird2]

Do these women know they were recorded?

[Zona]

20 hours ago, Miss_Rome said:

Hopefully his entire doings being exposed will really make him change. 

I wouldn't hold my breath hoping he will change.

If you have copies of these other married women having sex with him, then you could definitely do the husbands a favor and let them know what their good Christian wives have been up to. They likely had unprotected sex, so STD's are a real possibility and some can lead to cancer and other serious and life threatening complications.

Don't do it for revenge, do it because it is the honorable thing to do. No one deserves to be lied to and exposed to dangerous diseases and be completely unaware of what is going on.

There are laws in regards to revenge porn, so if you expose, never transmit the pictures or videos electronically. Show them in person. You won't be blowing up anyone's life, it was the cheaters that blew up their own lives.

This is depressing really. Why women chase these kind of "bad boys" is beyond me. Not all women, but it does seem like most. My wife's AP was plate spinning a lot of other women, including married women that my wife worked with. Just another reason to never get married again, if my current marriage blows up. People suck.

 

 

Edited September 14, 2020 by Zona

[mark clemson]

My advice would be to talk to a lawyer about the potential legal consequences of sharing the info - per how you found it out, before making other decisions.

There could certainly be legal ramifications for him as well (and should be). However, unfortunately, since it's his drive, it might simply "mysteriously disappear" and then you are left with baseless accusations. You were just trying to get back at him or at your Christian OOWs, etc, etc.

If it was me I would ask a lawyer - explain the situation, what you are thinking of doing, etc, then see what they say and help that factor into your decision. You might actually ask 2 if you can get free 1/2 hour consults. Personally I only trust lawyers so far as some of them will try to "drum up work" when it's not really necessary, so be careful with them as well.

You have to be careful because, e.g. one theoretical outcome might be that you spread this info around, he destroys the evidence, and then he attempts to sue you for slandering him or similar. Also per the way you obtained this evidence (viewing it on his hard drive) it might not be court-admissible.

If you could, theoretically somehow get him to to own up to their existence or share them with you, that might help, but really how likely is that? Again you'd need to talk to a lawyer to have a "reveal" plan (if you even intend to go there) that would have a decent chance of standing up in court.

Of course, spreading the videos around might (or might not) be seen as "revenge porn" depending on how the local jurisdiction defines/interprets it. You might get in trouble for receiving it or abetting him if you suggest he share it.

Although from a moral perspective, the situation is pretty clear (these videos shouldn't exist, period), I think there is a lot to be careful of from a legal perspective. A bit of a potential minefield. "Vindication" might seem like a hollow victory if you end up doing time.

Edited September 14, 2020 by mark clemson

[ABernie]

I was an OW.

My first thought is that as a human the BW should know.  But I think of my situation and even though we (BW and I) talked and she knows that her WH duped me (she asked for screen shots as he told her a different scenario), I don't think she would believe me or want to hear from me at this point.  But I'm 2 years out from D-Day and 9 months from last contact him or her.  

If you do it, make sure it's for the right reason.  She should know for her health, well-being, and her own knowledge, not to make her feel worse, wrong or to make you right.  Her anger may have been directed all on you, but we are not innocent in this.   

Also know that MM is most likely going to ghost you for disrupting his world/balance.  This will be a consequence.  It rarely isn't.    

But honestly, I think this is a police matter?

[Zona]

4 hours ago, ABernie said:

But honestly, I think this is a police matter?

I doubt it, unless he is stupid enough to post these videos and pics on some porn site.

We can assume that these women knew he was filming the sex, and were stupid enough to go along with it. I suppose it is possible that he was using hidden cameras without their consent, then it would be a police matter for sure.

Edited September 14, 2020 by Zona

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, Zona said:

We can assume that these women knew he was filming the sex, and were stupid enough to go along with it. I suppose it is possible that he was using hidden cameras without their consent, then it would be a police matter for sure.

Really good point.   Was the filming done secretly?   

[Wiseman2]

On 9/13/2020 at 3:49 AM, Miss_Rome said:

I have been in an affair with a MM for 13 years and about 2 months ago I found hundreds of hidden files (naked photos and videos) on his hard drive (300 Gigs to be exact) of him having recorded s@x with 20 women including prostitutes

You would be better off tell your doctor about it and getting STD testing and a referral to a therapist to sort all this out including why you chose a jerk like this and deprived yourself of a real relationship.

[anika99]

In this particular case, I think the wife needs to be told for her own good. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 9/13/2020 at 3:49 AM, Miss_Rome said:

Is this just a further mind game on me? 

Most definitely YES! This is a bad dude OP. Very bad. You're so wrapped up in it you can't see the forest through the trees. Run RUN RUUUNNNN

[Miss Clavel]

On 9/13/2020 at 5:17 PM, BaileyB said:

I think you should tell her only because if she is not aware that he has recorded her, she deserves the right not to be recorded without her consent.

She also deserves the right to know that her husband is a [real piece of work/insert your own word here]. I personally would not let the sun go down before I initiated divorce proceedings.

As for you, you have chosen this man knowing who he was for the past 13 years. You’ve discovered he’s not the “moral” married man that you thought he was - shocking! If telling his wife wasn’t something that you were worried about doing for the past 13 years, it’s seems a little disingenuous to show your concern now. 

i have been around around here and other BS websites, as a BS for a very long time. this op is the saddest one i've ever read.

i would have blown up ever single picture on his hard drive. on my way to his family home i'd have lit his car on fire. 

i will bet those pictures prove he does not always use protection.

as for getting s*** from all the other cheaters he's been with,  i understand. it's hard to learn the world is full of liars and that you, now a fool, are the only honest person you know. it's rough.

 

 

 

[Miss Clavel]

On 9/13/2020 at 8:26 PM, C52 said:

If he's that much of a sleaze then I think I'd be questioning how 'close' he got to your kids. As for the other women in the videos, it might be a better idea to let them know that he has a trove of photos and videos that could become known to others (if they haven't already). As for his wife - she's put up with enough.

first she needs to delete, at the very least all the ones of her and his wife. then let the wife know, that one tiny aspect of the life she has zero control over, her own, is safe.

Edited September 23, 2020 by Miss Clavel

[Veronica73]

Wow. That is one sick puppy. If I was the wife, I’d want to know. What a creep. But yeah, consult with a lawyer before you do anything. And don’t lie to yourself that you have benevolent intentions....you’re contemplating this because you found out that you were betrayed as well.

And you said he asked you to forgive him and you said “I don’t know if I can.” WTF????!!!!! Are you serious? This guy is an absolute complete slimeball d-bag. Don’t ever forgive him and don’t ever have anything to do with him ever again!! And he suggested going to couples therapy?! That is so messed up. So so so so so messed up. This whole thing is so very messed up.