Your experience with long-distance relationship

[DaveBond]

So, I recently did a Canadian gambit self-assesment about my views on having a relationship with a woman and I felt happy when the result came. It said "you have both romantic and realistic tendencies". I am in my late 20s, however, but I have never had a girlfriend before. Still looking locally and online for possible relationship with a true christian.

For those who were or are in a long-distance relationship, how did it affect or improve you as a person?

[Datingdisabled]

2 hours ago, DaveBond said:

So, I recently did a Canadian gambit self-assesment about my views on having a relationship with a woman and I felt happy when the result came. It said "you have both romantic and realistic tendencies". I am in my late 20s, however, but I have never had a girlfriend before. Still looking locally and online for possible relationship with a true christian.

For those who were or are in a long-distance relationship, how did it affect or improve you as a person?

I don't know that long distance can do much difference then a local one, but you have more time on your own and if your partner is supportive, then you can better yourself as an individual in their absence. I'm looking for a man who isn't so local and will be looking in cities about an hour away. The reason being, is the town I am, does not offer a wide range of men I am attracted to. A lot of people I know, are dating outside for this reason. 

[DaveBond]

Quote

 

Ah, great. I suppose you travel to these cities you talk about. Or how do you plan looking there? I used to think long-distance relationship will be a little different for people that are in two different continents or across the Atlantic. Could having only face-time calls and having to meet maybe once in a year not affect things a little?

I get the improvement bit of what you said but I will like more insight on what you mean by one getting better as an individual in a supportive partner's absence. I'm learning.

Edited September 13, 2020 by DaveBond

[Datingdisabled]

5 minutes ago, DaveBond said:

Ah, great. I suppose you travel to these cities you talk about. Or how do you plan looking there? I used to think long-distance relationship will be a little different for people that are in two different continents or across the Atlantic. Could having only face-time calls and having to meet maybe once in a year not affect things a little?

I get the improvement bit of what you said but I will like more insight on what you mean by one getting better as an individual in a supportive partner's absence. I'm learning.

In relationships, there are two things that can happen during absence. A person could feel neediness, insecurity or other negative emotions during the time they are apart. At the beginning of a relationship, most people want to spend lots of time together and in a long distance like you are speaking of, it would be difficult. An alternative and the only way for a relationship to make it through the distance, is if the connection was strong enough and that you focus on yourself and in my case, my business during the absence. 

[DaveBond]

1 hour ago, Datingdisabled said:

I'm looking for a man who isn't so local and will be looking in cities about an hour away.

So do you live in Africa?

[Datingdisabled]

Just now, DaveBond said:

So do you live in Africa?

No, I wouldn't date that far either. 

[DaveBond]

53 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

No, I wouldn't date that far either. 

I asked because you might be able to meet someone who lives close by in this forumn. Anyways, I don't think you should give specifics for privacy sake. Good luck in your search. 

Edited September 13, 2020 by DaveBond

[Mrin]

So I have been in a number of long distance relationships. A few thoughts for you:

1. I wouldn't recommend it for somebody who has never been in a relationship before. 

2. That being said, they can be pretty awesome

3. One key is to be able to see the person in person with some degree of frequency and regularity. Monthly is probably the minimum frequency for a sustainable long distance relationship.

4. You have to be really good at communicating. And that doesn't mean just phone calls or text messages. Emails, letters, everything...  And you have to be able to have meaningful communication all the time. Not just a how was your day type of thing. 

5. It helps if you are working towards something tangible - like in 2 years we will be able to be together. Very few couples can succeed if it's just this way with no light at the end of the tunnel.

6. Loneliness is definitely a thing. It will come up and come up often. So, it isn't for the faint if heart. But if you're open and heart based in your approach then it can work. 

7. Oh and see #3 again. Unless that is a reality, it isn't worth doing. 

[CkMarmite]

I'm a married man and I'm struggling with this LDR thing. As first, I told everyone it's easy if you keep video calling and voice calling each other but over a couple of months, I was very wrong. 

This is coming from a guy who lives 5,950 miles away from her. 

[Caauug]

On 9/13/2020 at 10:30 PM, DaveBond said:

For those who were or are in a long-distance relationship, how did it affect or improve you as a person?

Made me stronger....

I've been somewhat open about this subject. LDR resulting in love, immigrating to the other side of the earth, marriage, living a dream, surrounded by gold.... What more can I ask for?

LDR require (must have) a few things for them to work:

1)  Commitment by both parties, 110% commitment (and 10% forgiveness) 

2) End Date. The date there is no more LDR

3) Track/celebrate milestones along the way. There has to be progression working toward End Date.

My story sort: LDR, she visits me, I propose, spousal sponsorship, I immigrate to Australia, marriage.....later citizenship. 

It's not easy, it requires hard work and you both parties really, really want to have it. 

Start of immigration to fly out date was about 3 yrs. both countries Commonwealth with strong ties. About 2 months wages all up? immigration checks carried on a few yrs after I was here.

Likely lots harder and more expensive now. 

16 hours ago, CkMarmite said:

I'm a married man and I'm struggling with this LDR thing. As first, I told everyone it's easy if you keep video calling and voice calling each other but over a couple of months, I was very wrong. 

This is coming from a guy who lives 5,950 miles away from her. 

You are so correct, it is hard work. Commitment to that End Date is very important. Good luck with Covid-19.... Sorry mate.

The culture shock can be traumatic also. this may take years to settle in fully...

 

PS: Surrounded by gold? Yes, figure out where I live and you will understand.

 

[d0nnivain]

On 9/13/2020 at 10:30 AM, DaveBond said:

For those who were or are in a long-distance relationship, how did it affect or improve you as a person?

Let's get some terminology straight first.  A relationship where you meet online rather then in person & carry on for a lengthy period without any in person activity is an On-line relationship (OLR).  They are a waste of time.  Don't bother.  

A long distance relationship (LDR) is where you meet & date conventionally but somebody has to relocate.  It is only sustainable if you have the ability to close within a specified period of time.  

Somebody who is a good distance away but it's inconvenient to see them often is Geographically Undesirable (GUD).  This is OK if you are willing to put in the effort. 

You are better off dating locally & conventionally where you can see each other & interact in person regularly (assuming Covid safety protocols).   Some nonsense where you have no in person interaction is a fantasy, not a relationship.  

Because you emphasize your Christianity, perhaps look around in your worship community for a woman to date.  Also pray for God to send you a mate to fulfill your vocation. 

I had an LDR for almost 2 years.  I was in the NY-metro area. He moved 3,000 miles away to Southern California when we had been dating for about 6 months.  We'd known each other for 3 years.  I had to complete school before I could relocate.  His drinking broke us up.  We were able to see each other 4x per year for about 2 weeks at a time. We wrote daily paper letters & called once per week. This was 30 years ago before cell phones & the internet. I think it helped me develop patience & loyalty.  

 

Edited September 14, 2020 by d0nnivain

[boymommy]

I am currently in my third LDR/commuter relationship. Basically each relationship I have been in has been within 1-2 hrs driving distance and had the ability to see my partner every weekend. My two previous relationships (2nd person I was married to) both began as LDR and ended when we were in one place. It was for sure due to incompatibilities between us, not so much anything with LDR vs being in one place (although the things that made the relationships fail weren't an issue during LDR). 

There are a lot of pros/cons in LDR but what I have learned is that it's harder to spot potential incompatibilities because essentially you aren't in the same place and you have to get good at asking questions. This is the 2nd introverted man who I have done a commuter relationship with and the problem is that they are not the best at communicating while we are apart. My boyfriend is very responsive amazing in person but when we are apart he comes off very hot/cold (days where he's super chatty, others he gives 2-3 word responses and I have to reach out to him). After 3 years I have just realized it's his personality and he does make an effort to be consistent and we talk every daily without fail. 

What has helped me in a LDR is certainly self development and maintaining independence. I actually start projects and am able to set goals for myself that I could never do or accomplish if I saw my boyfriend more often. This has helped me not only improve a lot of things in my life but help my kids and continue to address things that come up. I feel as though I am a much more self sufficient and self reliant person because I know I only see my boyfriend on weekends and so I have to pull largely from my own resources when he is not availble. This has been very empowering for me. 

If in the future if my relationship does not work out naturally (although I hope it does!) I will NOT be doing another LDR. Too many complications, and although I like the self development, I feel like I would rather have someone local. Its a lot easier. 

[Happy Lemming]

Many years ago, I dated a woman that lived a 5 hour drive away.  We got along great and very much enjoyed each other.

Unfortunately, the drive took its toll on me.  She didn't have a reliable car to make the drive, so I always went to her.  I tried various ways to make the relationship work, leaving work early on Friday to make the drive, taking Friday off, etc. nothing seemed to work.  When I got to her place I was exhausted from the drive. While I was with her,  I dreaded the long drive home on Sunday.  We'd see each other every 2-3 weeks for the weekend, but the distance was just too much.

Everything about her was perfect, she was kind, sweet and very beautiful, but neither of us could re-locate, so the relationship ended.

I discourage anyone from trying to date if you live an hour (drive) away from one another.  I feel the distance is just too much to overcome.

[CkMarmite]

I married my wife and she lives 6,000 miles away. 

Worse decision I ever made. 

Yea, dont do LDR especially that far! 

[Fletch Lives]

Most long distance relationships don't work out - except in the movies.

Can you date locally?