Covid will tear us apart

[stump3d]

My boyfriend and I have both been pretty strict when it comes to Covid i.e. not going out, not seeing friends and so on. He had seen one of his friends a few weeks ago but I didn't ask any questions as I trusted his judgement. He had suggested that I should have dinner with one of my friends too as we've only really seen each other this year.

Given how strict we've been with covid, today I asked my boyfriend if I he felt comfortable with me seeing a friend for dinner. I was apprehensive about asking as I was worried it would turn into an argument (my fortune telling abilities turned out to be correct!) even though he'd suggested it. I had found a local restaurant where my friend and I could sit outside, and had checked with her if she was going out a lot, seeing friends but she told be that she had been staying at home with family for the last month or so. I told my boyfriend that we would be sitting outside and that the friend was taking precautions.

All was well and my boyfriend was comfortable with the situation. I then was explaining how it was really nice of my friend to reach out. She had previously arranged a dinner with all of our friends, but I was uncomfortable meeting so many people and didn't go. So, she had offered to drive near to me to have dinner. This was a completely off the cuff comment and I hadn't even thought about the fact she'd been to a big dinner with other people up until that point.

As soon as I mentioned this, my boyfriend became furious. He said he couldn't believe I would lie to him like that i.e. I neglected to tell him about her organising a dinner for a group of friends. He told me I had completely broken the trust in the relationship. In his eyes, I was purposely omitting the information about my friend organising a group dinner so he would say yes to me going to dinner with her. He thinks that I only told him because he was asking questions about what she'd been up to during covid, and that I was covering for myself in case he ever found out otherwise. He then go even more mad that I didn't tell him about the group dinner she had organised at the time (I did tell him), even though I didn't go.

I tried to explain that a) if I was really lying, I wouldn't have told him that information b) If I wanted to omit the information, why would I then tell him after knowing it would make him angry and cause him to say no c) It's information he could have never found out, so if I was really trying to 'out-smart' him I would have just kept my mouth shut.

He then said none of it mattered. He said that her organising dinner should have been the first thing I said to him. We were due to be moving in together but he''s now cancelled that and said he's going home to Italy to think for a while.

I am now in a catch 22 situation. He says there are two scenarios, either a) I lied to him purposefully or b) I was too stupid that I didn't properly think about my friend and the dinner. He says that in either scenario he doesn't like the person I am and doesn't want to be with me.

I just am at such a loss over what to do. I absolutely did not think about the dinner my friend organised , and hadn't even thought about it as a consideration until I spoke to my boyfriend. I understand this is totally my fault for not thinking about that, and I should have thought more carefully before speaking to my boyfriend.

What should I say to him to help him realise that I wasn't lying, but also not make him think I'm stupid?

For context, my boyfriend and I have been arguing on and off for a while. He  normally has big reactions and then calms down. He usually threatens to go on a break or that he will go back home to Italy and then we make up. However, things have been coming to a head recently and I feel that this is it, he's actually going to break up with me.

[ajequals]

I really feel for you I feel. especially after all this time the covid this is blown way out of proportion as nothing they have told us came true. and we are still locked down. It's become political

I don't feel you did anything wrong with this dinner we all need some form of communication, were going stir crazy at this point.  I think that's where your BF is at. He's going stir crazy and taking it out on you. I feel you should be allowed to have your life and he should trust you

 

 

[DarrenB]

How long have you actually been with him? it seems as though you've tolerated his ways for too long. I think you separating from him is the smartest option.

He sounds completely manipulative and controlling, is that something you really want in a relationship? To be fearful of how he'll react to you meeting with a singular friend? but he can do it freely himself with no backlash likes he's giving to you?

When things don't go his way, proceeds to threaten your relationship by going back to his home country and then to make up later down the line? Sorry, what?

Imagine you had moved in with him and he gives you these immature ultimatums? that is causing unnecessary stress and angst on your behalf, and it's not fair.

Call things off, he is nothing.

 

Edited September 14, 2020 by DarrenB

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like this relationship has been going south for a while and he already wants to break up, and he's just using this as an excuse.  You should just let him go.  Break up with him.  Why would you want to be with someone who blows up at you and treats you like this?

[d0nnivain]

If the organized dinner was more then 2 weeks ago, remind your BF that time is a factor in this.  If your friend was infected she would have shown symptoms by now.  Get him to simmer down. 

Since your guy immediately accused you of lying, I think you have bigger problems.  He doesn't trust you.  I could not stay in a relationship where my SO's 1st thought is that I betrayed him.  He didn't even consider the fact that you forgot.  

[kendahke]

22 hours ago, stump3d said:

What should I say to him to help him realise that I wasn't lying, but also not make him think I'm stupid?

For context, my boyfriend and I have been arguing on and off for a while. He  normally has big reactions and then calms down. He usually threatens to go on a break or that he will go back home to Italy and then we make up. However, things have been coming to a head recently and I feel that this is it, he's actually going to break up with me.

Don't waste your breath. It sound more to me like he's been looking for a reason to not move in with you and you handed him a flimsy opportunity that he then built an entire irate construct upon.

He wants to believe you're a liar or you're stupid, so let him since he's going to do it anyway.  Let him go on back to Italy.

Edited September 14, 2020 by kendahke

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, stump3d said:

For context, my boyfriend and I have been arguing on and off for a while. He  normally has big reactions and then calms down. He usually threatens to go on a break or that he will go back home to Italy and then we make up. However, things have been coming to a head recently and I feel that this is it, he's actually going to break up with me.

This is your problem right here. 

This guy is a hot-head and doesn't seem to want to be with you anymore. He is manipulative and explosive. I'd let him stay gone. 

As an aside, and as someone who currently lives in Italy thus lived through our insane lockdown as well - If he's freaking out because a friend went for dinner with several people before seeing you, he's in for a big and unpleasant surprise when he's back here and seeing how "normally" most people here socializing and interacting with each other again.