Processing the breakup months later

[RubRabbitRub28]

Has anyone experienced this? My ex and I split up just before thanksgiving last year. Things had become toxic and it just wasn’t working anymore, she initiated it but I was relieved and ready for it to end too. We parted on amicable terms. I’ve dated a good bit since then, never really mourned the end of the relationship since I was glad to be out of it. 

A few weeks ago she messages me out of the blue to say how sorry she is and how she knows that she blew it with me and all that. We both acknowledged our mistakes and roles in the breakup, had a nice talk and I felt better. She was asking about my dating life and telling me how miserable her new relationship is. Not my problem or business so I declined to really engage in that part of the conversation, tried to steer the topic in another direction. She even came by one night to see my dog, talked for a few hours and had a nice time. 

I still care about this woman very deeply, she’s not a bad person. But she hasn’t changed. She hasn’t worked on herself or corrected any of the things that led to her role in the breakup whereas I have. I’m a much different, and I’d like to think a much better person than I was back then. I know that we can’t be together while she’s like this, it just won’t work. I know that. 

But I find myself now going through all the usual feelings and emotions of a breakup, where I didn’t immediately after we actually split. I’m having all of the fears and anxieties and thinking I can change things. Has anyone else gone through the various stages of grief after a breakup months down the road instead of at the time it happened?

[ShyViolet]

I think the reason you're going through this now is because she contacted you again, and it brought up old feelings.  This is why being friends with exes doesn't always work.

[RubRabbitRub28]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think the reason you're going through this now is because she contacted you again, and it brought up old feelings.  This is why being friends with exes doesn't always work.

I agree and I told her that I can’t be her friend. 

[kendahke]

Limit your contact with her.

She's only back because she can't make anything work with other men. She's done nothing to address her issues and what baggage she's hauling around that she refuses to sort--that's why she's batting 0 in the dating scene.

She's not with you because she's done the work you've done. She's back because she thinks you're someone to fall back on.  Give it a few weeks, and everything that broke you two up will be landing on your head again.

[RubRabbitRub28]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

Limit your contact with her.

She's only back because she can't make anything work with other men. She's done nothing to address her issues and what baggage she's hauling around that she refuses to sort--that's why she's batting 0 in the dating scene.

She's not with you because she's done the work you've done. She's back because she thinks you're someone to fall back on.  Give it a few weeks, and everything that broke you two up will be landing on your head again.

There will be no more contact with her. I told her that it’s best for me to walk away as I can’t be her friend. Said that if down the road we were both in a better position to reconnect we could talk about it then, but that’s it. Not gonna wait around for her. 

[Hpchic]

I think it’s normal to feel what your feeling, especially since it sounds like you just recently saw her.  I think talking to an ex over the phone is one thing but actually seeing them in person is going to bring up old memories and feelings.

Sounds like you have the right mindset, let her complain to someone else about her new relationship.

[RubRabbitRub28]

1 hour ago, Hpchic said:

I think it’s normal to feel what your feeling, especially since it sounds like you just recently saw her.  I think talking to an ex over the phone is one thing but actually seeing them in person is going to bring up old memories and feelings.

Sounds like you have the right mindset, let her complain to someone else about her new relationship.

Yeah and knowing that she’s in a relationship and having to hear the details about it are two very different things too. She was even complaining about their (lack of) sex life. Being forced to think about her having sex with someone else was not a comfortable feeling. 

[DarrenB]

Perfectly normal to feel the devastation and grief down the line after a broken down relationship.

Often more cases than not if you appeared to drift from each other due to certain incompatibilities then you'll remind yourself of the constant 'what ifs', 'if this was different', 'what could I have changed'. People sometimes make irrational decisions and questionable actions, therefore ultimately having to face the consequences in the end - essentially regret.

I'd just count your blessings and take it as a learning experience, something to look back on in times of reminiscence instead of hopeful reconciliation. 

[Goodguy05]

Yep I have exactly similar scenario my wife at the time seperated wth me I tried to go back to her and make it work and then she kept stonewalling me and eventually I had just given up met someone else and had felt like I had trully moved on. Then a few mths down the track she reached out begged to make the marriage work I finally came around to it and then she flaked out and wanted a divorce. I restarted the whole grief process from scratch and to be honest it took yrs to work through.

Somewhere inside you have unfinished business with your grief process and the has triggered it. 

Would it have reared its head if she had never reached out just like my ex wife ? I guess we'll both never know 

Edited September 15, 2020 by Goodguy05

[schlumpy]

11 hours ago, RubRabbitRub28 said:

 She was even complaining about their (lack of) sex life. Being forced to think about her having sex with someone else was not a comfortable feeling. 

In my opinion there are two ways to read this. She either said that to test your feelings for her or you are truly in the friend zone in her mind.

Considering she came to visit you, I would suspect the former.

 

[RubRabbitRub28]

9 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

In my opinion there are two ways to read this. She either said that to test your feelings for her or you are truly in the friend zone in her mind.

Considering she came to visit you, I would suspect the former.

 

Well I told her that I can’t be her friend, and although she understood, I could tell that was upsetting for her. She said that although her current relationship is complicated, all she can offer is platonic friendship right now. Shes also been telling me that she still loves me and wishes that things went differently and how she knows she blew it etc. 

I’m not quite sure what to make of it all, but like I said before, nothing can happen between us until she fixes her own issues.

[schlumpy]

Is one of those issues trying to monkey branch from her current relationship?

[RubRabbitRub28]

15 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Is one of those issues trying to monkey branch from her current relationship?

Absolutely. She’s constantly looking for validation and happiness through romantic relationships instead of those things coming from herself. What’s worse is that she knows it, we’ve talked about it and yet she still does it. When we split up, this was a big factor. She was trying to get those things from me and when she couldn’t she was taking it out on me. She recognized it and said that she had to do it herself. Instead, she fell back on old habits and the loneliness and sadness got to her, so she jumped into another relationship. But this time it’s with her neighbor and she doesn’t know how to get out, said that she feels stuck and it’s been unhealthy for months now. 
 

She’s a good person, but like I said before, she’s got issues that she needs to figure out. I can’t force her to do anything, but I can’t sit around waiting for her to make those changes either. It just sucks right now being in the grieving stages even though I know we can’t be together.