Crossroads

[Joolsy43]

I am sad to be here.

Married to my hubby for 13 years, 3 kids 12, 9 and 8.

since kids came along things have been rocky On and off, some good stints and some awful stints. He really struggles with the sacrifices involved in parenting.

we fight about parenting a lot. He is quite harsh with them and causes a lot of tension in the house. He can also be very fun, loving when he wants to be but this seems to be conditional on them behaving well.

we have had many discussions about this as it is important to me that we treat our kids with love, respect  and encouragement always (we all stuff up from time to time but as a general rule)  but he says strict hard line methods work and when “kids Are being Little ar@seholes They need to know”.

he has in the past admitted that he doesn’t like parenthood, resents the kids and if he had his time again he’d not have them (knowing what he knows now, I.e the amount of work involved).

His ways of coping with this Over the years have been escaping/drinking and when they were really small he often chose to go for drinks after work instead of coming home which caused a lot of tension in our marriage as I often felt unsupported. Intimacy has been destroyed by this and by me trying to get him to stay home and prioritise his family he has felt personally attacked or nagged  at. 

we are at a point now where he feels I have nagged him for years and tried to change him (eg not wanting him to be out drinking so much and also me wanting him to be a kinder parent). He says I shouldn’t try to change who he is.

it came to a point where we nearly split a few months ago and he decided to stop drinking (He’s a big drinker but he’s Just had 4 months off) and has sought out support to find better parenting methods.  This showed me that he is trying. And the escaping to drink etc has obviously stopped. however we are still having problems. 

exanple last week he smacked our 9 year old hard on the leg for taking husbands  spot on the couch and today he called our 12 year old a d@ckhead because he couldn’t find his bike helmet and then said “oh well you aren’t coming on the ride then” and just rode off on him.

my kids have been asking why does daddy make us sad? Why do we make daddy angry? Etc.

i have realised over the years that he is mean spirited, sometimes with me and often with the kids. He is the life of the party, intelligent, generous and very well liked/successful out of the home. He says it’s his resentment of parenthood and everything That it limits In his life (his freedom etc) that causes him to behave this way

I am seriously contemplating separation- for his sake, our kids sake and also my sake. He also said recently that he’s only staying out of guilt b/c he’s concerned about how a separation will impact kids. He said he has to think whether it’s worth “being annoyed his whole life” (by kids and me being on his case).

we have had a couple of MC sessions over the years but hasn’t helped. One therapist identified that he has wounds from childhood but he refuses to Acknowledge or look into what these might be.

I guess I am at a crossroads as this has gone on for years. I don’t think he’ll leave because  he won’t want to live with the guilt. 

ive had IC which was somewhat helpful and I’ve asked him to but he just says “there you go trying to change me again” And “look what good it’s done for you”In a awful tone.He’s extremely rigid and is very sensitive to any perceived criticism. He’s emotionally shut off. Im no angel and my communication definitely could have been better over the years, but I know when I’ve stuffed up and I own it. He never owns it and he’s only apologised about twice in our whole marriage. 

There has been lots of very emotional reactions  from me which would not have felt nice to him and def been on his case to change lifestyle habits like the drinking (smoking weed etc) often hungover etc. 

how do you decide what is right. I feel like I need to make a call but am just so worried about the kids, if we stay or if we split they’re both hard roads.

[Mystery4u]

Wow, how is this even a crossroad? There's only one way you should be going - and that's the path without him.

He doesn't want to be with you, that is so clear, so why are you still wasting your time?

Not only that but it's majorly affecting your kids too, negatively.

When he said he resents them and if he could go back he would never have them, why did you not end things with him there and then? That's a terrible thing to think let alone say, how could you even look at him again knowing how he feels about them?

He still wants to love that single lifestyle. I've got friends who had children young and as soon as that baby was born, their whole life changed and they made the sacrifices needed. Their kids always come first. Your husband is not mature enough for that, he is still a boy.

I will never understand this whole 'stay together for the sake of your kids'. A relationship is supposed to be good, happy. Why would you stay in an unhappy relationship for anything, wasting this very short life? Nothing will happen to the kids if you split up. My parents divorced when I was young and I turned out great.

Start divorce proceedings asap!

Edited September 14, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Joolsy43]

51 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Wow, how is this even a crossroad? There's only one way you should be going - and that's the path without him.

He doesn't want to be with you, that is so clear, so why are you still wasting your time?

Not only that but it's majorly affecting your kids too, negatively.

When he said he resents them and if he could go back he would never have them, why did you not end things with him there and then? That's a terrible thing to think let alone say, how could you even look at him again knowing how he feels about them?

He still wants to love that single lifestyle. I've got friends who had children young and as soon as that baby was born, their whole life changed and they made the sacrifices needed. Their kids always come first. Your husband is not mature enough for that, he is still a boy.

I will never understand this whole 'stay together for the sake of your kids'. A relationship is supposed to be good, happy. Why would you stay in an unhappy relationship for anything, wasting this very short life? Nothing will happen to the kids if you split up. My parents divorced when I was young and I turned out great.

Start divorce proceedings asap!

Oh wow. Thanks for your reply.

I have compassion for him because I know he has unaddressed wounds and unresolved issues. He Loves our children dearly but he says if he was 27 again and  fully aware of what parenthood would involve he wouldn’t do it. I think a lot of parents (dads?) feel like this but probably don’t express it. He admits he is too selfish.
 

I love being a parent and the kids mean everything to me, in my eyes the hard work is more than worth it.  So we are distanced by our differing views on this.
 

Since hearing him say those words though it’s been very hard to accept and I do feel differently about him as a result.

Edited September 14, 2020 by Joolsy43

[emprosnet7]

Whatever you decide will be difficult and a no win situation. About parenting the kids I agree with rewarding the kids for the good behavior and not rewarding for the bad or having a punishment, but no hitting. From my general understanding women are soft on this subject (which is bad for the kids eventually) but there are exceptions. I think that by pushing him he turns very defensive and reacts with comments that he may not truly believe. What exactly do you want him to change in his behavior?