Was I wrong to bring my wife to visit my terminally ill dad?

[smuggy95]

Thank you for all those who answered my last post. 

I am trying to do the right thing, and if I am out of line I need to know. I was pretty sure I was right this time, but the backlash I've received from my family, to the point of break up, is crazy.

My dad was terminally ill, but we thought he still had several months with us. My wife and I hurried up and had a baby so he could be a grandpa before he goes away.

We had our little baby and because of Covid, dad wasn't Able to visit him often. I was ok with bending the rules but my dad was afraid of putting the baby at risk, so they only saw him from 6 ft away with masks on until he was 3 months old. 

When they were finally able to hold him and be close, I would bring my wife and the baby with me. Sometimes also my mother in law, who is deaf/mute, and living with us to watch over the baby for the first 3 months. Wife and mother in law would sit in a separate room and eat and just hang out there, while I bring the baby over to my dad/sister/mom. Or sometimes wife and MIL would sit in the living room with them, with masks on, if my dad asked them to. My wife would interpret via sign language.  

One day my sister called and said if I could bring just the baby, not the wife or mother in law. I said, at least I should bring my wife, and we feel bad leaving the mother in law alone at the house. My dad had actually said to invite them both, but my sister said she knew better and could tell he couldn't handle guests that day. I got annoyed and said it was all or nothing, but in the end told the MIL to stay at home, and just brought my wife and child. 

Dad died two days later from an unexpected rupture of his intestines, not his illness. 

Now they're saying I didn't give dad more time with the baby, and made them cater to my wife and her mom. 

I mean, my wife is more than just a person who popped out a baby for them to play with. That's how I saw it. but ...if I'm wrong, please let me know.

 

 

Edited September 14, 2020 by smuggy4

[basil67]

Smuggy, your wife must have nerves of steel to put up with the drama from your family.    What does she think of what's going on?

[smuggy95]

Basil-  Thanks for your reply. She thinks it's not normal and it makes her sad. She thinks it's more of a group dynamic issue.  

[Acacia98]

IMO there's nothing wrong with what you did. There's definitely something wrong with the group dynamic. They don't seem to think of your wife and her mum as part of the family, which is problematic. And I also think their grief is contributing. When people experience loss, sometimes they try to cope with the loss by lashing out at others. So they might blame someone for causing the death. Or they might accuse him/her of not doing enough when the deceased family member was still alive. 

Edited September 14, 2020 by Acacia98

[basil67]

Following on from Acacia's comment.....is this new behaviour since your father died?  Or has their relationship with you always been dysfunctional?

[d0nnivain]

Your mother & sister are horrid.  When you married, your wife became your family.  Obviously your child is family.  The fact that your mother & sister are not gracious is on them.  

Buy your wife & MIL some flowers & thank them for their kindness & understanding as you went though all this awfulness with your bio family. You need both of them to feel appreciated especially given how toxic your bio family is.  

[smuggy95]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Following on from Acacia's comment.....is this new behaviour since your father died?  Or has their relationship with you always been dysfunctional?

It has been off and on dysfunctional but not to this level. sister once came over to my house, took a photo of my microwave oven and sent it to my mom to show her how dirty it was. Mom texts me in the to clean it. Sister was not even living in my home. We told them that was weird but they didn’t see it. 
Now with the loss every grievance they had with me is coming out. 

[d0nnivain]

Ignore them.  It's as simple as that but I understand it's complicated because they are your family of origin.  

Still focus on your wife & baby.  

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like they're simply unhappy and projecting their misery onto you and your family. Just smile and let it go in one ear and out the other. Their views are warped and you don't need to let them interfere with your happiness.

[Pumaza]

You did your best.But your inlaw dont need to be always there.There are moments she should realize its best to stay home. Even if you invite her as a way to be polite.

She is a adult,she can stay alone mostly.

Maybe your sister got tired of all the people you bring, inlaw...😅.

So she thought let the wife stay home so the inlaw wont come either.lol

They may just wanna spent time with you which they know and is family.

Eitherway focus on dealing with your lost. You did your best. And a baby sure needs mom around,so its normal that you bring your wife.

[smuggy95]

We did leave MIL at home, but they still say we made them bend over backwards, which isn't true. Instead, we bent over backwards to please them....MIL stayed home by herself that day, and was not offended by the disinvite. I just felt bad at the time because I had invited her, and then had to tell her to stay home. Some people would have been upset by that- luckily no drama from MIL. 

 I think you're right they wanted to spend some alone time with me and baby, without anyone else.

[Wiseman2]

Take care of yourself and your newborn. Try not to pass an infant around as a prize trophy. 

You are putting yourself and your newborn at risk . Use common sense. What if your newborn gets covid from being passed around and shown off like a new car?

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by Wiseman2