I resent my family even more, also triggered by happy families (rant)

[hotpotato]

Well, I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that the anger and resentment will always be there. As i go out into the world, I will be exposed to more people which will highlight how differently i was raised from other people. Unfortunately, what someone does or doesnt do in childhood affects them throughout life. 

My mom can kind of see she is controlling, but I doubt grandma can. She really thinks she's being helpful. I don't appreciate anyone trying to predict my life because at 10 year old i liked to read books about dogs. I have like 10 interests at any given time. That doesnt mean any of them will be a career. She picks and chooses what she likes which just so happens would be the career that would get her the most bragging rights. Somehow I am smart enough to be a veterinarian, but too dumb to learn basic ballet moves and also too dumb to figure out what my passions are. 

My real talent was probably athletics, and other people have told me that as well. However, it was not properly developed at the appropriate time. When most parents see they have an active child, they go ahead and put the kid in activities. They let the coaches child figure things out instead of laughing in the childs face, telling them they cant do it. If a child cant do something, that's what LESSONS are for. Any abilities I have now are despite my family. I fought against them every step of the way, whether they were stifling me or emotionally putting me down. My mom let me brother play several sports with no issues.

I understand why they felt they needed to stifle me. I was headed in a direction they did not like nor plan for. Now I can see the real mecoming out, and it's very, very different from what they wanted. 

Also, in surprised people assumed I didnt go to college. I did, but I don't have a degree. I knew college was a bad idea for me, but I let my mon pressure me into it. I hate school. I was tired of going to school. The school cut off my financial aid and rightfully so. I went to college and had to pay off my own student loans with $0.00 help from the family. That's another reason in life I'm so late trying new, wonderful things and finding myself. That's why I say if you dont pay, you dont get a say. 

 

Tldr: I accepted that I'll always have anger and resentment towards my controlling family.  

 

 

 

[basil67]

 

delete

 

Edited November 22, 2020 by basil67

[hotpotato]

On 9/16/2020 at 3:03 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Distance yourself from them and get yourself to a doctor to address these ruminations, depression, anxiety, and still blaming parents for all of life's woes.

It's long overdue that you take responsibility for your own life and destination.

How do you know I'm not doing anything with my life? Please stop making assumptions. Just bc I'm mad doesnt mean I'm sitting around on my behind all day. 

The anger, depression, and anxiety wont gi away. No thanks, to the toxic positivity. I'm angry, and it's ok that I'm angry. 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

hotpotato, you say you get triggered by people with happy supportive families. FYI, most families are dysfunctional. When you look at other families and other people you aren't seeing what their lives have been like behind the scenes. It's a big mistake to look at others and judge what their lives are like.

Many many of us didn't have supportive families. You are more common than not.

A lot of bad stuff has happened to me that I could (and have) blame others for, that I could be angry about. Just about everything bad that can happen to a person has happened to me. I could hate all day long. And I used to be depressed to the point of being suicidal because of all I've been through. Depression can stem from anger turned inward, or guilt.

But, I'm very happy for the last twenty-five years because I've experienced healing. I can honestly say I'm one of the happiest people I know, not because I'm any great person. I'm not. Just because I've found unconditional love that has healed me. The love of God. That is what you and many need. Sadly, many deny He exists (or have been taught that) and rob themselves of a life of peace and joy. I promise you a walk with Him, getting involved with Him will heal you. It takes time, but it can happen for you.

You can be healed hotpotato. If you want to be. It sounds like something out of a fairy tale and many otherwise intelligent people have been duped into believing God is not real, or He doesn't care for an individual personally. That is not true. He does care. He cares about you and He has a pathway to healing for you.

Start talking to Him in your mind telling Him you want to be healed. That's your first step. No one has to know you're doing it. And it takes little time.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/11/2020 at 9:23 PM, hotpotato said:

The anger, depression, and anxiety wont gi away.

.I'm angry, and it's ok that I'm angry. 

 

Why won't it go away?

Isn't it draining to be chronically angry?

[hotpotato]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why won't it go away?

Isn't it draining to be chronically angry?

I'm surprised that between the talk of dance, pole, and circus arts you dont understand why I'd still be upset. I have to live with the effects up life trajectory every single day. Also, everytime I hear about supportive families, that's also a sting. It always hurts to hear about how supportive other families are. Theres no way to avoid that except to avoid people in the real world as well as internet. Honestly, I dont think anyone can understand my anger unless they went through something similar.

Hell, no, it's not draining! When people say I cant do something, I love doing it and rubbing it in their faces. I look back and think about my grandma laughing in my face and how differently she treated her other grandkids, and it makes me work harder. Ive had some great workouts thinking about them belittling me. I think of my abusive, controlling a$$ mom and I work harder. I'm very happy I didnt listen to them and be the person they wanted me to be (a fat, sedentary but educated black woman). I cant wait for the day I can shut up my grandma the way I shut up my mom. The things they disliked about me I never quit, like being energetic and curious. I get why they needed to be controlling bc I was becoming someone very different from what they planned for.

Anyway, I accepted that life isnt fair. It's ok to be mad. Not everyone has a family who likes them. 

 

Edited December 13, 2020 by hotpotato

[Wiseman2]

On 12/11/2020 at 9:23 PM, hotpotato said:

I'm angry, and it's ok that I'm angry. 

Yes it is, but being uncivil and rude to posters is not.

[hotpotato]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it is, but being uncivil and rude to posters is not.

I wasn't rude to anyone here unless they were rude to me first. 

[hotpotato]

On 12/12/2020 at 2:11 AM, LivingWaterPlease said:

hotpotato, you say you get triggered by people with happy supportive families. FYI, most families are dysfunctional. When you look at other families and other people you aren't seeing what their lives have been like behind the scenes. It's a big mistake to look at others and judge what their lives are like.

Many many of us didn't have supportive families. You are more common than not.

A lot of bad stuff has happened to me that I could (and have) blame others for, that I could be angry about. Just about everything bad that can happen to a person has happened to me. I could hate all day long. And I used to be depressed to the point of being suicidal because of all I've been through. Depression can stem from anger turned inward, or guilt.

But, I'm very happy for the last twenty-five years because I've experienced healing. I can honestly say I'm one of the happiest people I know, not because I'm any great person. I'm not. Just because I've found unconditional love that has healed me. The love of God. That is what you and many need. Sadly, many deny He exists (or have been taught that) and rob themselves of a life of peace and joy. I promise you a walk with Him, getting involved with Him will heal you. It takes time, but it can happen for you.

You can be healed hotpotato. If you want to be. It sounds like something out of a fairy tale and many otherwise intelligent people have been duped into believing God is not real, or He doesn't care for an individual personally. That is not true. He does care. He cares about you and He has a pathway to healing for you.

Start talking to Him in your mind telling Him you want to be healed. That's your first step. No one has to know you're doing it. And it takes little time.

 

 I've never met anyone with issues like mine. Most people have the opposite problem. I can also promise you that most families didn't have a mom who called them a hooker or would come and randomly hit them. Honestly, I'm more upset about the overcontrol and lost opportunities. Ive told people irl about the control issues, and they found it very bizarre. If anyone hits me, I'll hit them back. If anyone talks badly about me, I'll say something about them. 

I'm certainly not saying I have the worst family ever, but I'm still upset. 

Your post was nice, but I'm not religious. 🙂

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I have to live with the effects up life trajectory every single day. Also, everytime I hear about supportive families, that's also a sting. It always hurts to hear about how supportive other families are. Theres no way to avoid that except to avoid people in the real world as well as internet. Honestly, I dont think anyone can understand my anger unless they went through something similar.

Hell, no, it's not draining! When people say I cant do something, I love doing it and rubbing it in their faces. I look back and think about my grandma laughing in my face and how differently she treated her other grandkids, and it makes me work harder. Ive had some great workouts thinking about them belittling me. I think of my abusive, controlling a$$ mom and I work harder. I'm very happy I didnt listen to them and be the person they wanted me to be (a fat, sedentary but educated black woman). I cant wait for the day I can shut up my grandma the way I shut up my mom. The things they disliked about me I never quit, like being energetic and curious. I get why they needed to be controlling bc I was becoming someone very different from what they planned for.

Anyway, I accepted that life isnt fair. It's ok to be mad. Not everyone has a family who likes them. 

 

I strongly suspect that part of the reason why the anger is ever-present and it still stings to see happy families is that you're still living at home in the heart of your family. You're still experiencing the manipulation, the control, the invalidation, etc.

Staying in an emotionally abusive situation comes at a cost. There's the mental health aspect of the cost then there's the physical health aspect. If you can afford to live on your own right now, I strongly recommend that you do so. Your mental and physical well-being are bound to be more valuable than whatever amount you end up saving by staying at home.

[LivingWaterPlease]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

 I've never met anyone with issues like mine. Most people have the opposite problem. I can also promise you that most families didn't have a mom who called them a hooker or would come and randomly hit them. Honestly, I'm more upset about the overcontrol and lost opportunities. Ive told people irl about the control issues, and they found it very bizarre. If anyone hits me, I'll hit them back. If anyone talks badly about me, I'll say something about them. 

I'm certainly not saying I have the worst family ever, but I'm still upset. 

Your post was nice, but I'm not religious. 🙂

No one has issues like anyone else's, hotpotato! We're all unique! Add that to the fact that our situations are also unique and you have a formula for none of us having issues like another!

I guarantee you I know of plenty of mom's who did worse than call their kids hookers! Some sold their daughters out as hookers.

At least your mom wants you to have an education!

I was not suggesting you become religious. Being religious and knowing God are two very different things!

Nevertheless, 30 years old and still living with your parents is on you, not on them. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

No one has issues like anyone else's, hotpotato! We're all unique! Add that to the fact that our situations are also unique and you have a formula for none of us having issues like another!

I guarantee you I know of plenty of mom's who did worse than call their kids hookers! Some sold their daughters out as hookers.

At least your mom wants you to have an education!

I was not suggesting you become religious. Being religious and knowing God are two very different things!

Nevertheless, 30 years old and still living with your parents is on you, not on them. 

So I cant be upset because someone else's mom sold them into prostitution. That's ridiculous. In that case no one can ever be upset bc someone else had it worse. Toxic positivity. 

The college thing isnt in itself a problem. The problem is trying to force me to be a nerd. Not allowed to do this because of school, not allowed to  do that and so on. She let me bro play sports just fine. And anyway, I hate school with a fiery passion, and I dont care about being the smart one. School isnt for everyone, and that's fine. You are exactly what I'm talking. When you are the smart one, no one cares about your interests, your passions, what's in your heart, everything is about pumping out grades and degrees. 

Also, someone can encourage their child to get an education without being mean, negativd, verbally and physically abusive, and overcontrolling. Actually, my family turned school into something of a punishment with a their controlling. It backfired on them anyway. 

Though I didnt plan to be still living with them, it is what it is. Part of the reason I'm still here is bc I had to pay for my own student loans with no help.

Edited December 13, 2020 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I strongly suspect that part of the reason why the anger is ever-present and it still stings to see happy families is that you're still living at home in the heart of your family. You're still experiencing the manipulation, the control, the invalidation, etc.

Staying in an emotionally abusive situation comes at a cost. There's the mental health aspect of the cost then there's the physical health aspect. If you can afford to live on your own right now, I strongly recommend that you do so. Your mental and physical well-being are bound to be more valuable than whatever amount you end up saving by staying at home.

Unfortunately, I'll be here for awhile so I have to live with it. I doubt moving out would magically cure things, as it will cause other problems. 

[Millennial]

5 hours ago, hotpotato said:

 I've never met anyone with issues like mine. Most people have the opposite problem. I can also promise you that most families didn't have a mom who called them a hooker or would come and randomly hit them. Honestly, I'm more upset about the overcontrol and lost opportunities. Ive told people irl about the control issues, and they found it very bizarre. If anyone hits me, I'll hit them back. If anyone talks badly about me, I'll say something about them. 

I'm certainly not saying I have the worst family ever, but I'm still upset. 

Your post was nice, but I'm not religious. 🙂

Mate, I literally had to fist fight two of my uncles to get any sort of adult respect at all.

Your vehement anger at your parents comes across as completely unjustified and unrelatable.

Slagging off your parents on the internet whilst still accepting all of their support and still living with them at 30 comes across as very immature. There seems to be some issue with you wanting to be an athlete, and you are focusing on this to a great extent, but you should be focusing on being an independant person at this age with your own life.

When you start adulting yourself, you tend to understand your parents differently. Yeah, they aren't perfect and nobodies parents are. Mistakes made that come from a place of wanting the best (such as them wanting you to focus on school) should not be held against them. If you don't think the mistakes were made in your best interest then why isn't moving away from them any sort of major priority for you?

 

[hotpotato]

36 minutes ago, Millennial said:

Mate, I literally had to fist fight two of my uncles to get any sort of adult respect at all.

Your vehement anger at your parents comes across as completely unjustified and unrelatable.

Slagging off your parents on the internet whilst still accepting all of their support and still living with them at 30 comes across as very immature. There seems to be some issue with you wanting to be an athlete, and you are focusing on this to a great extent, but you should be focusing on being an independant person at this age with your own life.

When you start adulting yourself, you tend to understand your parents differently. Yeah, they aren't perfect and nobodies parents are. Mistakes made that come from a place of wanting the best (such as them wanting you to focus on school) should not be held against them. If you don't think the mistakes were made in your best interest then why isn't moving away from them any sort of major priority for you?

 

Btw my parents dont support. In fact, I was supporting my mom. I do not live with both of my parents either.  She just got a real job like 2 years ago. I was buying her medication and everything else for years. In fact, she once told me that if not for meshe would not be eating. I still buy plenty of groceries for her and for the household. I pay my own Bill's, I paid off my student loans, and I paid off a car that I bought brand new with no cosigner. I live with family but they dont support me. Please stop with the assumptions. I barely saw my family before lockdowns tbh. 

I had to fight my mom, too. This is the internet. I don't meet people in the general population who actually had to fight their moms. 

I can do as I please. Like unsaid before, I have a lot of freedom bc i have no man and no kids. I have one life to live, and the rest of it will be in my terms. I already lived my life to appease others. It's my life and my money so I will do what I want. 

I would never treat my hypothetical kids how my mom treated me. Ever!

I don't understand why people dont get that I hate school. Plenty of people do school and activities so the school thing is no excuse to act like she did. All she had to say was, " You can do things just keep up your grades." She had no problem letting bro do sports, so how does one explain that? You are proving my point that being seen as the smart one is a curse! No one cares about you as a whole person if you are smart! Smart people must stay in their lanes and never venture out! I dont live by that, and I never wanted to. 

Yes, I am very upset that my potential was wasted bc of overcontrolling family. They lied to me my entire life. I'm upset about being labeled as a problem bc I didnt come out the way they planned (fit-shaming). They did the best they could to make their plans for my life come true, my feelings or needs are never discussed or considered. 

Honestly, it would be a lot harder to do the things I want if I'm spending hundreds of dollars on rent.  A lot of people have someone like a spouse helping them, I do not. Also, I love that they can see how I didnt become the nerdy, clunky, Steve Urkel archetype they were hoping for. If I could back in time I would not have done well in school. I probably only tried in school bc of the threat of being hit, not bc I liked it. Now that she cant hit me without consequences, the interest in school is gone.

 

Edited December 13, 2020 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

For those wondering, I have no interest in being standard 30 year old. I dont like school, and I esp dont like endless school. I want to be full throttle hotpotato, wherever that takes me. I dont want to work a boring 9 to 5 that sucks the life out of me, and I dont want to sit around getting fat like most people my age in my area. I want to be weird, intense, and active. 

[Millennial]

21 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Btw my parents dont support. In fact, I was supporting my mom. I do not live with both of my parents either.  She just got a real job like 2 years ago. I was buying her medication and everything else for years. In fact, she once told me that if not for meshe would not be eating. I still buy plenty of groceries for her and for the household. I pay my own Bill's, I paid off my student loans, and I paid off a car that I bought brand new with no cosigner. I live with family but they dont support me. Please stop with the assumptions. I barely saw my family before lockdowns tbh. 

I had to fight my mom, too. This is the internet. I don't meet people in the general population who actually had to fight their moms. 

I can do as I please. Like unsaid before, I have a lot of freedom bc i have no man and no kids. I have one life to live, and the rest of it will be in my terms. I already lived my life to appease others. It's my life and my money so I will do what I want. 

I would never treat my hypothetical kids how my mom treated me. Ever!

I don't understand why people dont get that I hate school. Plenty of people do school and activities so the school thing is no excuse to act like she did. All she had to say was, " You can do things just keep up your grades." She had no problem letting bro do sports, so how does one explain that? You are proving my point that being seen as the smart one is a curse! No one cares about you as a whole person if you are smart! Smart people must stay in their lanes and never venture out! I dont live by that, and I never wanted to. 

Yes, I am very upset that my potential was wasted bc of overcontrolling family. They lied to me my entire life. I'm upset about being labeled as a problem bc I didnt come out the way they planned (fit-shaming). They did the best they could to make their plans for my life come true, my feelings or needs are never discussed or considered. 

Honestly, it would be a lot harder to do the things I want if I'm spending hundreds of dollars on rent.  A lot of people have someone like a spouse helping them, I do not. Also, I love that they can see how I didnt become the nerdy, clunky, Steve Urkel archetype they were hoping for. If I could back in time I would not have done well in school. I probably only tried in school bc of the threat of being hit, not bc I liked it. Now that she cant hit me without consequences, the interest in school is gone.

 

How I was brought up tells the boys to get out and roam/do whatever. Trust, I would be a very strict parent, whereas you might be more "find yourself". Such is life. We probably look to make up things that our parents did wrong down the line.

I feel like a great deal of my potential was wasted too through lack of structure or discipline.

What I don't get is the serious anger. Bit harsh, no?

[hotpotato]

19 minutes ago, Millennial said:

How I was brought up tells the boys to get out and roam/do whatever. Trust, I would be a very strict parent, whereas you might be more "find yourself". Such is life. We probably look to make up things that our parents did wrong down the line.

I feel like a great deal of my potential was wasted too through lack of structure or discipline.

What I don't get is the serious anger. Bit harsh, no?

Well, I do think I'd do well with minimum supervision. I naturally find things to do. I really only need them for the money and rides lol. I just need people not to stand in the way. I think I'd be a pretty lax parent. I wouldn't mind encouraging a child to do something, but I dont believe in making them do things (or not do things) so they live how i want them to live, or bc I'm afraid of them outshining me. Kids, whether child or adult, are separate people with their own skills and interests. 

Nope, she deserves it. Deserves every bit of it. The more things I do and the more that I learn about myself, the angrier I get. Yes, I mad at being lied to and over controlled amongst other things. Oh yes, and the things I've been criticized for (like being curious and loving to learn) are helping me now. Btw loving to learn does not necessarily equal loving school. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

Also, the family isnt doing this for my own interest. They are controlling me so I can be like them. I have confronted my mom about this, anytime I do something she wouldn't do she gets negative and critical. Grandma has a little more life in her, but my mom is what I'd ca boring. Her hobbies are gaining weight, watching tv, and occasional shopping and travel. She reminds me of the people on Wall-E. I literally run circles around her. I would never want to be as low energy as my mom. I just cant be her or my grandma. I'm a separate person. My mom has a lot of mental issues from being the nondominant, unpopular twin.

I dance, sing, played musical instruments, tried to be an athlete lol, plus made great grades and was in the gifted class. Mom and I were an still are very, very different. 

 

Both my mom and grandma are fat and unathletic. I was a chubby, awkward kid, but then I started losing weight. When I started losing weight and getting fit is when many problems started. 

Add in stereotypes about smart people, and that pretty much explains my upbringing. Becoming the smart one is one of the biggest regrets in my life. 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Unfortunately, I'll be here for awhile so I have to live with it. I doubt moving out would magically cure things, as it will cause other problems. 

No, there are no such things as magical cures. But there are solutions to problems.

If you can't remove yourself from the situation you need to find a way of dealing with the anger-- e.g. counseling.

[hotpotato]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

No, there are no such things as magical cures. But there are solutions to problems.

If you can't remove yourself from the situation you need to find a way of dealing with the anger-- e.g. counseling.

I already had counseling, and we already concluded that mom is the problem. 

Counseling isnt doing to fix all the lost opportunities, things I shouldve been doing, people i shouldve been, etc. What I'm mad about isnt fixable. Unfortunately,  the more fun, vibrant and full my life has become, the more angry I become at my controlling family. 

I can tell you what's wrong, I dont need a therapist. Watch the movie secret cutting. They are very much like the mom. They make it seem like they have my best interest at heart, but everything is actually about them and what they want. "You like this and not that, bc i like that."  "I dont want you to model bc I dont want..." "I want you to go to college, and I want you to fo to this one."

"You cant do sports bc I don't think..." "You need to pick this career bc I know you like." Yet they ignore or criticize everything about me they dont like. My immediate family only seems to like one thing about me.

Even with all the control, none of their dreams came true. I still became my own person, and I did that swimming against the tide. 

Since I got meaner to my mom, she is a lot nicer. Bullies are like balloons, if you pop them hard enough, theyll go away. If she says something mean to me, I say something mean back. I've made her cry a few times. She dare not hit me. We actually weigh about the same, but I became an amazon chic, and she's fat. Before Rona came, I was gonna start muay thai fitness, and I'd still like to box..soo lol. I'm actually becoming stronger and more athletic as I get older bc mom isnt standing in the way(and my student loans are gone). 

My family's addiction is controlling me. They think they're helping bc they have good intentions, and therefore will never stop. My grandma still tries to tell me who I am and what I like, and what I can or cannot do. Magically, somehow I'm always capable of doing the things she likes. She has a son who is an alcoholic and not long ago got out of prison for murder. She doesn't get that maybe her methods are not effective. Yes, my family is dysfunctional lol. I guess I'm saying it's not just my mom, the entire family system is broken..

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I already had counseling, and we already concluded that mom is the problem. 

Counseling isnt doing to fix all the lost opportunities, things I shouldve been doing, people i shouldve been, etc. What I'm mad about isnt fixable. Unfortunately,  the more fun, vibrant and full my life has become, the more angry I become at my controlling family. 

I can tell you what's wrong, I dont need a therapist. Watch the movie secret cutting. They are very much like the mom. They make it seem like they have my best interest at heart, but everything is actually about them and what they want. "You like this and not that, bc i like that."  "I dont want you to model bc I dont want..." "I want you to go to college, and I want you to fo to this one."

"You cant do sports bc I don't think..." "You need to pick this career bc I know you like." Yet they ignore or criticize everything about me they dont like. My immediate family only seems to like one thing about me.

Even with all the control, none of their dreams came true. I still became my own person, and I did that swimming against the tide. 

Since I got meaner to my mom, she is a lot nicer. Bullies are like balloons, if you pop them hard enough, theyll go away. If she says something mean to me, I say something mean back. I've made her cry a few times. She dare not hit me. We actually weigh about the same, but I became an amazon chic, and she's fat. Before Rona came, I was gonna start muay thai fitness, and I'd still like to box..soo lol. I'm actually becoming stronger and more athletic as I get older bc mom isnt standing in the way(and my student loans are gone). 

My family's addiction is controlling me. They think they're helping bc they have good intentions, and therefore will never stop. My grandma still tries to tell me who I am and what I like, and what I can or cannot do. Magically, somehow I'm always capable of doing the things she likes. She has a son who is an alcoholic and not long ago got out of prison for murder. She doesn't get that maybe her methods are not effective. Yes, my family is dysfunctional lol. I guess I'm saying it's not just my mom, the entire family system is broken..

Your family system is definitely broken. Mine is not exactly the same as what you describe. I've never had to fight my parents or their siblings physically. But we (me, my siblings, my cousins) grew up with a lot of invalidation and gaslighting. And it was the whole extended family that was messed up, not just our respective nuclear families. And there were plenty of good intentions from the older folks. (They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I agree.) So some of us have struggled to find our places in life and to assert ourselves, while some have somehow figured it out. There's definitely a lot of anger and resentment and unhealthy coping strategies (e.g. substance abuse).

Counseling was just an example. There are other ways to deal with your anger: maybe channeling it into some creative activity or sport (I think you're already doing this, which is great), maybe meditation. The reason why I think it's important for you to address it is because our emotions have an impact on our physical health. So constant anger, anxiety or other negative emotions could ultimately put you at greater risk for hypertension, heart attack, etc. It's bad enough having to deal with everything you've had to deal with. It would be much worse if you had to add physical health issues to that.

My ultimate suggestion is that you look up stuff on persistent anger online. Reading about it might give you other ideas for dealing with it or give you additional tips for coping with your family.

[hotpotato]

On 12/13/2020 at 3:10 PM, Millennial said:

Mate, I literally had to fist fight two of my uncles to get any sort of adult respect at all.

Your vehement anger at your parents comes across as completely unjustified and unrelatable.

Slagging off your parents on the internet whilst still accepting all of their support and still living with them at 30 comes across as very immature. There seems to be some issue with you wanting to be an athlete, and you are focusing on this to a great extent, but you should be focusing on being an independant person at this age with your own life.

When you start adulting yourself, you tend to understand your parents differently. Yeah, they aren't perfect and nobodies parents are. Mistakes made that come from a place of wanting the best (such as them wanting you to focus on school) should not be held against them. If you don't think the mistakes were made in your best interest then why isn't moving away from them any sort of major priority for you?

 

It wasn't wanting the best for me, it was wanting they best for them. Everything is about them and what they want and their goals for my life. No one ever asked me if I even liked school. No one cared that I was miserable, which was in part my mistake bc I did well bc that was expected of me. They loved to brag on my grades, and they planned out my life when I was 10 years old. My grandma thinks I will be a veterinarian because I read books about dogs and dinosaurs when I was 10. Does that sound like she wants me to be a veterinarian for me or for her? They rarely asked what I wanted, and if I gave the answer they didn't like, I was of course, wrong. My mom told me I read too much. Curiosity and love of learning is wrong if its not producing grades or degrees, I suppose. Everything about me that doesn't produce grades or degrees is wrong. 

Well, anyway, i came to agree with them. Since Im too stupid to do school and athletics at the same time, i won't. Im athletic now, so I must be too dumb and incompetent to do those two things at once. Hey, Im just agreeing with them! You or anyone in this forum doesn't like it, but being athletic is who i am, and it is who i have been for 20 years and counting. If that hadn't overcontrolled me, I wouldn't been through this at a younger age instead of having what ifs. I wasn't made to sit down in a class or office all day. Their logic is, and I guess yours is as well, I wasn't allowed to do things when I was younger so I should never do them. My mom tried to tell me how I shouldn't take formal dance lessons because im old but I started so old because i wasn't allowed to do much when I was younger. I think they're just mad because I didn't come out the way they planned. 

They never changed me fyi. All the things i didn't get to do when I was younger, Im doing now, and I have even less interest in sitting in a classroom. Now my time is a lot more precious since im getting older. They failed in modifying my personality ie trying to turn me into superdork. Im never going to be superdork, and thank god for that. Im stupid girl now anyway. 

My family should just be happy Im not a junkie. 

Edited May 15, 2021 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

On 12/15/2020 at 5:05 AM, Acacia98 said:

Your family system is definitely broken. Mine is not exactly the same as what you describe. I've never had to fight my parents or their siblings physically. But we (me, my siblings, my cousins) grew up with a lot of invalidation and gaslighting. And it was the whole extended family that was messed up, not just our respective nuclear families. And there were plenty of good intentions from the older folks. (They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I agree.) So some of us have struggled to find our places in life and to assert ourselves, while some have somehow figured it out. There's definitely a lot of anger and resentment and unhealthy coping strategies (e.g. substance abuse).

Counseling was just an example. There are other ways to deal with your anger: maybe channeling it into some creative activity or sport (I think you're already doing this, which is great), maybe meditation. The reason why I think it's important for you to address it is because our emotions have an impact on our physical health. So constant anger, anxiety or other negative emotions could ultimately put you at greater risk for hypertension, heart attack, etc. It's bad enough having to deal with everything you've had to deal with. It would be much worse if you had to add physical health issues to that.

My ultimate suggestion is that you look up stuff on persistent anger online. Reading about it might give you other ideas for dealing with it or give you additional tips for coping with your family.

I have a new outlet now

I set things on fire, and I love it.

I essentially joined a small circus troupe. I spin fire with them and sometimes by myself. 

I have always been interested in circus arts so this is great for me. This is the point i was making earlier. They didn't change me, they only made things happen later in my life. 

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I have a new outlet now

I set things on fire, and I love it.

I essentially joined a small circus troupe. I spin fire with them and sometimes by myself. 

I have always been interested in circus arts so this is great for me. 

Be careful.  

My heart jolted when I read this.  I thought you were committing arson.  Glad you found a healthy controlled way to do something you enjoy.   It's way past time to stop letting your family continue to hold you back.