theperfectlife Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 Anyone awake? Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 People generally describe their situation and what they need help with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted September 16, 2020 Author Share Posted September 16, 2020 I sometimes want to give it all up Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted September 16, 2020 Author Share Posted September 16, 2020 Dont really know how this website works... do i need explain issues again? Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 Well, I don’t know your situation. But I have felt that way too sometimes. This too shall pass. It really will. Breath, don’t be impulsive. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 I don’t really know how the website works either. I can probably search your post history and read your previous posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted September 16, 2020 Author Share Posted September 16, 2020 thanks its a long story Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 Okay, I read a different post you wrote. So the problem is your daughter isn’t speaking to you because she doesn’t approve of your new husband? (just to warn you, I’m up very late and will probably need to go to sleep soon as I have work in the morning) Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted September 16, 2020 Author Share Posted September 16, 2020 Yesss Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted September 16, 2020 Author Share Posted September 16, 2020 I thought i would be ok but often feel depressed and empty Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted September 16, 2020 Author Share Posted September 16, 2020 I know it is late maybe another time Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 You got married at the beginning of September, right? So basically, you JUST got married. I think you should give it more time. If she has been in contact with you all this time, even though she disapproved of your guy., or your relationship with him.......I really doubt this is permanent. I think you should try to enjoy your new marriage and try to give this issue some space and time. I’m not saying let it go, but maybe this is a longer term problem that will take some time. It sounds like you have a great partner. You know? That’s what most people want. Give your daughter some space, but don’t give up on her. It sounds to me like this is a temporary relationship problem. (disclaimer, I only read the latest post. But September 5th is very recent.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 But yeah, I need to go to bed. Try not to worry. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 (edited) Since this is posted in the OM/OW forum, can we assume that your new husband is your former AP? Your daughter may accept him at some level over time, or she may not because she doesn't want to hurt her father by giving tacit support to a relationship she doesn't see as legit. You had to know that was a possibility? Sounds like she has a pretty solid moral compass. Edited September 16, 2020 by Zona Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted September 17, 2020 Author Share Posted September 17, 2020 Yes he was. Yes i did, but thought she would come around eventually. She does have a solid moral compass. She always reacts just a lot worse than i expect her too. and.....her Dad is also in a happy relationship Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) 37 minutes ago, theperfectlife said: Yes he was. Yes i did, but thought she would come around eventually. It does sound like she has a strong moral compass. And she is well aware of your transgressions, if she discovered your affair. Bringing a blended family together is difficult, under the best of circumstances. She had no control over your decision to have an affair, to break up her nuclear family, and bring this man into her life. Sure, time has passed but children who have been betrayed by their parents have a long memory... as you have discovered. It’s one thing to have a relationship with you, it’s another entirely to allow this man into her life. I have great empathy for her, this event has changed her life forever. It has probably changed who she is - this betrayal coming at a very formative time in her life. She will make the best decision for her, and that’s all she can do. Maybe she will come around, or maybe she won’t. Either way, it is entirely her decision and you need to respect that. Edited September 17, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, Veronica73 said: You got married at the beginning of September, right? So basically, you JUST got married. I think you should give it more time. If it’s been six years since discovery and she has never budged, I tend to think that she is pretty set in her opinion. Wedding or no wedding, it won’t likely make much difference. Although, I do hope she bends a little because it’s hard to go through life holding such resentment. Edited September 17, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 Your daughter was the one to discover the affair though, that's got to have a pretty damaging effect on her, especially if she was only a teenager even it happened. In your other threads you say she read some explicit messages between you and your new husband. I can only imagine how hurtful that would've been. You have to help your daughter in her healing and if that means she never meets your husband then so be it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 2 hours ago, Amethyst68 said: You have to help your daughter in her healing and if that means she never meets your husband then so be it. Yes exactly. Any parent should put the needs of their children ahead of their own in situations like this. I have a friend who left his first wife to be with another woman. His daughter from the first marriage has never spoken to him since. Not even once. Sometimes that is just the price of the decisions you make. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Zona said: Yes exactly. Any parent should put the needs of their children ahead of their own in situations like this. I have a friend who left his first wife to be with another woman. His daughter from the first marriage has never spoken to him since. Not even once. Sometimes that is just the price of the decisions you make. I have a friend in a similar situation. I would say that she has a strained relationship with her father and she never agreed to see or let her children be in the presence of his affair partner. Her children had a relationship with their grandfather, but this was the boundary she set and she never wavered. And that was entirely her right. I will never forget the day she told me about the betrayal - it crushed her, both because of her father’s decision and also because she was witness to her mother’s pain. With time, she was able to reconcile somewhat with her father but there was only so much she was willing to accept... The affair was about you. The healing and the reconciliation is about her. Edited September 17, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, theperfectlife said: She always reacts just a lot worse than i expect her too. This, says a lot to me. It tells me that you have expectations about how she should respond. It tells me that you pass judgment on her, that you believe she has responded “badly” to the situation. I get this, when my father pushed a relationship on me - it was my fault, because they wanted to enjoy my company and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to spend time with them... He lacked the ability at the time to consider my perspective. I responded “badly.” What I don’t see in this statement is an understanding that you have caused her grievous pain. That the presence of your affair partner in your life, while wonderful for you, is incredibly painful for her. Now, we don’t know what all has happened but I wonder if you stop considering the situation from your point of view - this is the best relationships I have had, her father is happy, it’s time for her to move on and get on board... - and truly consider the situation from her experience you will be more understanding of why she continues to struggle... Edited September 17, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) Sorry, I should have said - once he dropped the pressure and the judgment, and accepted that he couldn’t force anything, that’s when I had the ability to begin to accept the new relationship. Whether your daughter does this or not, time will tell. But, I wonder if she is feeling the pressure to move on and accept this relationship - that seems to be the unspoken message in your posts - and that is probably a part of the reason why she is having a difficult time. The truth was, like you my father had the best of intentions and he really wanted everyone to come together... but the fact that he was willing to give up his relationship with his children to be in this other relationship was not lost on us... I doubt that it’s lost on your daughter too. There is an awful lot of hurt that needs to be healed... Edited September 17, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 19 hours ago, BaileyB said: If it’s been six years since discovery and she has never budged, I tend to think that she is pretty set in her opinion. Wedding or no wedding, it won’t likely make much difference. Although, I do hope she bends a little because it’s hard to go through life holding such resentment. Oh, I misread then. I thought she and OP made up somewhat and had been talking again for awhile, but then after OP got married, the daughter stopped talking again. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 Perhaps I misread. I believe that to be true, they had reestablished a relationship between mother and daughter. I thought the issue here was the fact that now that they are married, nothing has changed in that the daughter won’t have any contact with the husband. My apology if I had that wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 I do realize the extreme pain i have caused many people... especially my youngest daughter. However, are you suggesting i should have ended my relationship with someone i love and who accepts me for who i am? I truly believe my AP and I have a very rare bond that many people dont ever experience in their entire life. My ex is happier now, and my daughter is also in a very loving relationship. I thought i should deserve to be happy too. I guess this is selfish? I knew my daughters would have their own husbands and children one day. My youngest and i did reconcile and became somewhat closer again the past few years, as long as i honored her boundaries (which i did). She knew I was engaged and have been living with my new hisband for 6 yrs. i knew she wouldnt be happy about the wedding, but didnt expect her to write me off as her mom. Since my separation, i have been there for her in every way she would possibly allow. I worked very hard to be able to contribute to her college education. I travelled alone to another state to see her graduate from nursing school. She continually broke my heart by avoiding my entire side of the family because they supported my decision. She didn't speak to my parents for almost 2 yrs, who were in in their 80s at the time of the divorce. They were devastated and couldn’t understand. They practically raised her while her dad and i were working! She picked her father to pin her at her ceremony while i watched from the sidelines heartbroken. I am left out of every aspect of her life. I was a good mom to my daughters, up until the affair. Because i chose to leave the marriage doesnt mean i left my children. I didnt ever dream i would have to make a choice between my lover or my daughter. I DO understand the damage i caused, but at the same time feel that she is being unfair and extremely judgmental. Link to post Share on other sites
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