Need answers for my own life

[Normal0521]

I was in a relationship with a girl at my university. She was the one who said that she likes me in the first place. We were happy and we had great times. And yes we had fought too like any other couples. Everyone liked her because of her friendly personality, we had so many similarities. But you know I'm the one who messed things up. I always doubted her and got into a fight, always. But I loved her and I know that she did too and she never, for one day she never ever doubted me, she always cried because of me. The thing is I loved her too much so I didn't want to lose her. 
But she couldn't take it anymore, so she decided to break up with me.

Before the day of the breakup, we had a fight and it was settled but after the next day, she said enough. She told me 'I want you to make things right, I want you to change, and I will watch you from afar after you change yourself I will come back'
So days passed, I begged and cried, do some stupid things to get her back.

But she didn't respond to anything, she blocked me from everything, she avoids me for the fullest. Basically, I couldn't talk to her even we were at the same university. I kept texting her and she blocked me from that too. But I knew she received every text, mails that I sent her but she never replied to anything, even for the text I said bad things about her. Then one day she talked with a friend of mine and she said to him that she is in a new relationship. But no one knew who he was, I tried to find him but nothing. It's like she completely faking it. So at the end of our semester, all our batch mates went for a hike.

After the hike, a student gossiped about a girl who cuddles with a boy during the hike that was not a couple. Turns out it was her. But no one knew the truth, so that guy came to me and explained what was happened. He said she got sick and he had to hold her because it was a rainy night, and so cold and most of our girls got sicked and we had to carry them to the bottom but you know what a gossip looked like.

She was so upset about what was happened and about the gossip. It's like most of my friends knew that she was a good girl and she loved me before the breakup, but after this? So now it's been a year since the breakup and I still can't let her go. I tried to get answers about what happened after the breakup, what happened that day of the hike. But no luck, I just want answers because I know she's a good girl because it's me who messed things up in the first place. I don't want her back but I have so many questions.

These things keep me away from my studies, I can't focus on anything because every time I try to focus, I keep thinking about her, "did she went for a new relationship after the breakup? Is it true about what happened that night?" Over and over again I keep thinking about that.

I still love her and deep down I know I still want her back but I don't know how to deal with these things. Her family has so many problems, mainly financial so I know that she has to deal with that too. So I can't keep reach her and ask about everything, I know that she doesn't want to talk with me. But what I don't is why is she hiding from me? Why avoid me every time instead of facing me. Still, I and my friends don't know what was really happened this past year. Earlier this week one of my friends reached her and she had said she never wanted a new relationship after me and she has so many problems at home and she is not in the mood for talking about me and also she had said to him that tells me that don't worry about her because she will only attend to exams. The reason that she said something like that is after the breakup I was so depressed and I didn't want to see her, so I bunked so many lectures and failed many subjects and she knew the reason for my absence is her. I don't know what the reason behind her absence to lectures now but I know that is the reason she had to say something like that to me, She's so secretive now, it's like she's a living, breathing ghost. She smiles at everyone, talks with anyone but I know that she is not the same friendly girl before and everyone knows that too.

So this is my bull crap, frustrated, depressing story. I don't know what to do or how can I overcome this.

[d0nnivain]

You say you two had a number of fights.  That is bad.  It's not healthy for a couples to fight often.  This relationship may not have been as good as you have built it up to be in your head. 

University is a time to learn & grow.  Not all those lessons are learned in a classroom.  Some are about life.  

It sounds like you were clingy & jealous.  You characterize it as doubting her & admit she cried.  Was it more like you accused her of cheating or flirting & you didn't trust her?  She cried a lot.  That is not good.  

What you were supposed to learn in all of this is that you have a problem with trust.  Instead you made her your obsession.  You pestered her with texts to the point she had to block you.  You still listen to gossip about her.  You ask friends about her.  You seem to have leaned nothing & still try to keep this woman under your microscope.

With whatever else she has going on she doesn't need to deal with you.  Instead you need to put her & the failed relationship behind you.  It's a new semester.  It's time for you to take you life in a new forward direction.    

 

[ExpatInItaly]

She avoids you because it sounds like you irritated the crap out of her and obsessed over her. She doesn’t want to manage your emotions for you and feed your fixation. 

She can’t give you the closure and answers you want. That comes from accepting that it’s over and that your right to ask questions about her personal life expired a long time ago. Until you recognize that, you won’t heal. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you'll have to get a handle on your possessive, stalking tendencies before you get in trouble and girls do more than just block you. The best way to deal with this is to talk to a doctor about "your depressed life".

Edited September 16, 2020 by Wiseman2