Lonely, devastated, disconnected from life itself

[magnolia18]

I feel terribly lonely and lost and so very sad and in need of help...

I have been married for 27 years. I married my husband out of love and we have two sons, aged 23 and 17. The first years were quite happy for me, I was very much in love and overlooked many problems he had, even then. We built a good, comfortable life, a nice house, we are OK financially and I always was an active person with many interests and hobbies of  my own which gave me joy and a sense of purpose. Not any more. More than ten years ago, my husband developed drinking and sleeping problems, was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, we started fighting more and more, I felt gradually more lonely and indifferent in my marriage, more frustrated, dissatisfied and disconnected.

Six years ago I reconnected with my first love. He was married too with a teenage daughter. From the first second we chatted online it was as if not a moment had gone by since the last time we were together. We fell in love again and started an affair, although long distance, since we live in different cities. We agreed that we both wanted to leave our families and be together again. I felt madly in love, totally connected, loved and wanted and alive again. He said I was the love of his life and as he was unemployed at the time, he decided he would come and try to find a job/make a new start in my city, as my younger son was too young at the time for me to leave him. Feeling increasingly frustrated and dissatisfied with my marriage, I asked my husband to leave, which he very reluctantly did.

The wheels were rolling, we were looking for a house to rent and considering possible jobs. On the day I was expecting him, he did not show up. Two days later, he said he could not do this, he could not abandon his daughter, this would never work between us, I was financially independent and he would feel too insecure at the prospect of losing everything, so as there was no future for us he wanted to end it. I totally fell apart, begged him to reconsider, said there was no need to rush things or set timeframes, we could go on like this, as long as we truly loved each other, and see how it goes. We got back together and although it was me who suggested no time frames and commitments, over the summer he said he really wanted to be with me, he was looking at job prospects abroad and would I be willing to go with him. I said I would go with him to the end of the world if necessary.

However, as time went by, he started being more vague and distant about this, less forthcoming and talkative, less available to chats and meetings and I started feeling more and more insecure and clingy, all of which led to a big fight after which he said we were over. He refused to speak to me or answer my calls/messages/emails for about six months, after which we got back together about 1,5 year ago. In the meantime, my husband drifted back home and his wife was strongly suspecting about us, but we were in love, connected, talking daily on the phone and chatting away until late at night. Then, his wife apparently found some messages between us again, and after a wonderful weekend we spent together and just after the coronavirus lockdown he totally disappeared. I panicked, tried to contact and message him for about two months and in May I finally got a message from him saying it is over and blocking me everywhere, for the first time, so I have no way of getting in touch with him. I am totally devastated, I have lost my interest for everything in my life, nothing gives me any joy or pleasure anymore, I feel terribly lonely as we barely speak or share anything with my husband and I have no friends. Separating is not something I consider at this point, not with the health and psychological issues my husband is facing and with no real chance of me being happier totally on my own, in a strange environment in my 50s. So…this is where things are standing at the moment and I am really sorry for this terribly long post. I would be grateful for any help.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you are unwilling to separate, are you open counseling? 

It sounds like you were so unhappy in your marriage that you got way too caught up in a fantasy that - for all intents and purposes - had very little chance of success in the long run. You and you affair partner were both evidently seeking an escape from your lives and created a bubble that (for him, anyway) was mostly an illusion. 

So, now you are faced with the reality of your life. And I'm sure it hurts. However, this is where you have to s**t or steal third: separate from your husband and deal with fallout, or commit yourself to working on your marriage. And that includes confessing that you've had an affair. You can't live a lie in your marriage anymore, OP. It didn't work before, and it's not working now. 

I would also get busy building up a life for yourself. You say you don't have friends - why is that? 

 

[mark clemson]

While I don't advise people to divorce, if you are too scared to leave what is now apparently a loveless "roommate marriage," then that is exactly what you'll be stuck with. You attempted to monkeybranch to another relationship, that didn't work out, and here you are. If you are genuinely financially secure but still too scared to be on your own, you could consider individual counseling to explore why that might be. Many people do just fine on their own.

It sounds like you could use some platonic friends to help you feel a bit better, so consider that. Be a bit careful with how much you share about your affair as some folks may be overly judgy about it and a few might see it as a moral imperative to notify your husband without worrying about any potential fallout for you.

As you can see, there are those who will advise you to tell your husband. There are various reasons for this, some of which are potentially positive ones for you. However, be aware that notifying him of the affair takes the risk that he will decide to end the marriage. Some men simply can't deal with this sort of thing. So if you tell, be fully prepared for that possibility. Perhaps he's already figured out more than you realize, but who knows.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You say you don't have friends - why is that? 

I guess because of this.

1 hour ago, magnolia18 said:

my husband developed drinking and sleeping problems, was diagnosed with anxiety and depression

Difficult to maintain friendships when a partner is all over the place and unpredictable.
Shame and hiding the reality means it is not easy to have friends over and organised meet ups can get cancelled due to a "crisis" at home.
Constant fighting and chaos can lead to depression in the "unaffected" partner and depressed people tend to isolate themselves.

[d0nnivain]

What a mess.  Under the guise of being selfless & not divorcing your husband because of his issues you are going to burden him with you, a woman who cheated on him & is not despondent because her OM decided to fight for his marriage.  

It may be hard to be alone but I suspect you are staying & crying about not being strong enough to be on your own because you fear change.  But change is coming.  You can either direct that change by getting counseling & finding your own passion or risk discovery & being thrown out on your keister.  I think your kids would prefer the mom who fought for herself rather than just thinking of you as the immoral woman who cheated on their dad. 

Whether things worked in this affair, you stay in a loveless marriage or you end up alone you will still be you. That baggage comes with you until you do the work with a mental health professional to unpack it.  

[Goodguy05]

Man U need to learn to be independent and learn how to live and be on your own. You are too co depandant and base your happiness on your partner. Look at me I been single 4 yrs now live on my own parents have passed and I have balanced my head. Your codependency is not healthy sorry to be blunt but that's what I takeaway from your situation 

[magnolia18]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I guess because of this.

Difficult to maintain friendships when a partner is all over the place and unpredictable.
Shame and hiding the reality means it is not easy to have friends over and organised meet ups can get cancelled due to a "crisis" at home.
Constant fighting and chaos can lead to depression in the "unaffected" partner and depressed people tend to isolate themselves.

Exactly, thank you! I was always an introvert, so I really didn't have many friends anyway, but we started drifting away even from those, because of the uncertainty as to how my husband would behave/react every time.Plus, my only best friend moved to another part of the country a few years ago and I find it very hard to try and make new friends

[magnolia18]

Thank you all for your input so far. The thing is, I didn't realize what was wrong with my husband and my relationship with him and I wasn't even terribly unhappy until I reconnected with OM. I have never cheated on my husband before and I never would have if it wasn't for this one person. In any case, after going all through this emotional rollercoaster and making up my mind that I really wanted to be with OM and going a long way towards this goal, I now feel emotionally drained and in no way willing or capable of causing any other major upheavals in my life. I feel that living indeed as "room mates" with my husband is  at this time easier and less hurtful and demanding for both of us, especially as I am not looking for anything new relationship-wise if things don't work out as planned with OM. Friends are another matter and I wish I had some and I wish I was more capable and pro-active in making new ones.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you change nothing, nothing changes. 

You are going to remain lonely, devastated and disconnected if you now try to proceed as if nothing ever happened. 

Are you planning to come clean to your husband?

Edited September 17, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[elaine567]

I know this comes after the horse has bolted, but men in their 50s rarely actually leave their marriage, their kids, their life... 
They have too much to lose by leaving.
They are in affairs for many reasons but they are usually not looking to acquire a new wife or ditch their old life.
Women, unhappy in loveless. dysfunctional, boring, toxic, etc. marriages often fall in love with MM who seem to be in the same situation.
As far as she is concerned suddenly her life took a turn for the better, there is hope, there is joy and there is a belief in love restored.
At that point she is deadly serious, she leaves, she will get a divorce she sets up her life in order to be with this wonderful man she has just found.
BUT men in affairs, whilst enjoying the ride and the journey, are often not so sure about the final destination.

Once she is free, he starts to panic, he was quite happy with the status quo, but now reality has hit home.
He is now under pressure to leave too and that was not something he actually considered when he was on those enjoyable flights of fancy.
He then realises just how much he will lose, and so he bails.
He may take it hard, he may be relieved, but she is devastated...  

This was not personal, this was not because you were not good enough, this was highly predictable.
Go to individual counselling, get strong and leave your husband behind.

Unless he miraculously again becomes the man you married, then he will be a constant millstone around your neck.
Telling him about the affair will give him wonderful ammunition to bash you further to the ground and unless you are a masochist then I wouldn't bother.
Get your ducks in a row and leave and make a new life.
Alcoholics are hell to live with and he will  just drag you down and down and down.
Life is too short to be unhappy for the rest of your life.

[schlumpy]

I read your writing and immediately I realize how delightfully intelligent you are.

The clarity and expressiveness you use to paint the picture of your life was clear to read.

What forced you to become so cruel and selfish?

Why couldn't you divorce your husband and not "use" him as Plan B? You obviously don't care about him.

Why are you keeping him around. You were going to run off with your lover to the land of rainbows and unicorns. If that had happened, where would your husband be now?

Do something to regain your lost integrity and let the man go so he can find someone that loves him. Give him good terms in the divorce so you can live with yourself. He still has time to regain that part of his life.

Sign him up for this forum. I think we would all like to talk to him.

[Wiseman2]

Why didn't you post this in the cheating forums instead of claiming you are devastated with life itself?

If you think your marriage is unhappy cheating is just a temporary spare tire. It only has so many miles, but you need to get to the shop and get a real tire back on.

Sadly many people justify cheating by claiming thier spouse doesn't understand them.

[lana-banana]

2 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

The thing is, I didn't realize what was wrong with my husband and my relationship with him and I wasn't even terribly unhappy until I reconnected with OM.

I would examine this statement. You have acknowledged your husband's problems were severe enough to make you feel isolated and unhappy, but now you weren't terribly unhappy after all? It isn't fair or accurate to put all of this on the OM. He would not have had such a strong impact on you had you not been a place where you were emotionally vulnerable and longing for something more. Much of your connection was about being two people who needed something, and imagining that you found it in each other. 

Your task now is to seriously consider what those needs are, whether your marriage can be capable of fulfilling them, or whether you'll have to strike out on your own. If you don't really take the time to get in touch with yourself and understand why this affair happened, you won't be able to move forward in a productive and healthy way.