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I have many female friends.  I follow them on social media, look at their new photos, chat with them, see them in person (alone or with my wife) in public or private, etc.   Apparently my wife is okay with that, and encourages my friendships with both men and women.  Does what your husband is doing bother you, and if so, why?  Is he being inappropriate or has he in the past?

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19 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

If you saw your husband looking at photos of another woman he knows on her social media regularly, would you be OK with that? 

How do you know about his viewing activities? How does he know her? Work, old flame?

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25 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

If you saw your husband looking at photos of another woman he knows on her social media regularly, would you be OK with that? 

It depends. if they are sultry bikini photo or of the like I would be...but if it's just her going about her daily business photos of random stuff, I could care less.

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So I've been with him 8 years, married 1. The woman is someone he works with

We've argued about him looking at her stories so he muted her and now he doesn't know I've seen but I've seen him scrolling her page of pictures. Some are normal, some are bikini shots

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I'd talk to him about it.  You haven't been married that long even though you have been together a while.  

Admit to being jealous.  Ask what he's willing to do to make you feel more secure.  

Perhaps get MC.  

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Mc? 

He knows how I feel about it, I told him to stop looking at everything she posted on her story after I caught him viewing daily and he muted her

 

I absolutely believe that it's not true but it's someone he was accused of having an affair with at work. I know that's not happened but even if it's just talking and looking at her picture regularly... Its not good is it? 

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I am afraid at 9 years together he is ripe for having an affair and this woman at work is a likely candidate.
Say nothing but keep eyes and ears open, your gut is telling you something here.
If you take your suspicions to him he will just take it underground.
 

5 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

it's someone he was accused of having an affair with at work.

Ah! Who accused him, and how do you know it isn't true?
Keep schtum and watch is my advice if you want the real truth. He will slip up.

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2 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

I absolutely believe that it's not true but it's someone he was accused of having an affair with at work.

You will never ever be able to control his mind, thoughts, feelings or online activities. Ever. You are barking up the wrong tree. You can keep talking at him about how he's 'not allowed" to look at pics, etc, but he'll just be more discreet.

In fact policing and nagging is probably making this seem a more like forbidden fruit than it really is. Ignore it. Who "accused him of having an affair" with this coworker? Are you really worried about that? 

You need a busy life outside of policing his online activities and what he can and can't do. In fact mommying him like a 13 boy is almost like simply pushing him in her arms. Not to mention a huge attraction killer.

Just stop. Get a handle on your jealousy and insecurity. Work out, get out of the house more, be more mysterious, buy new clothes, make him wonder about rather than dread you.

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A few people had started rumours and he had a meeting about it and told me straight away. I believe nothing physical has gone on

 

We have a child so it's not as simple as if they didn't exist. I just wanted other perspectives... If your partner regularly looked at someone's pictures on this context, is that OK or does he have feelings for her 

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3 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

A few people had started rumours and he had a meeting about it and told me straight away. I believe nothing physical has gone on

If he came clean about a sexual harassment situation or affair it's because he was weary that you would find out. This has nothing to do with social media pics. You need to see the real situation.

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27 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

Mc? 

He knows how I feel about it, I told him to stop looking at everything she posted on her story after I caught him viewing daily and he muted her

 

I absolutely believe that it's not true but it's someone he was accused of having an affair with at work. I know that's not happened but even if it's just talking and looking at her picture regularly... Its not good is it? 

MC = marriage counseling. 

Did you tell him that you are jealous & it hurts your feelings?  or did you just order him to stop looking?  Putting on mute is BS.  He can still look if he choses.  Mute only means her stuff doesn't show up automatically that he has to affirmatively go look at it. 

If there were rumors at work this is more then him looking at social media.  You two have some real issues -- marriage ending problems -- that aren't going to be solved by him disconnecting from her on social media.  

It's time to take the bull by the horns & have deep, meaningful PAINFUL conversations that will require professional intervention to get through. 

You have a child to think about.  

Edited by d0nnivain
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I have... The rumours were at the beginning of the year and we've been fine until spending a lot of time in the house together and that's when I saw him watching every time she posted daily. He knows it upsets me so stopped... But now I'm scared him still looking at her photos means something... Does it? 

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24 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

A few people had started rumours and he had a meeting about it and told me straight away. I believe nothing physical has gone on

 

We have a child so it's not as simple as if they didn't exist. I just wanted other perspectives... If your partner regularly looked at someone's pictures on this context, is that OK or does he have feelings for her 

It would depend on her availability. If he was in love with a movie star then no, I probably would not take it very seriously but since it is his co-worker, my radar would immediately flip into defcon 2 activation mode.

If you want to know the truth about his involvement then ask for a polygraph test. If he tries to turn into a "you don't trust me moment" then you will have a pretty good idea of his involvement.

I'm sorry you are in this situation but if you look the other way, he will keep at it. 

Better to get it out now with you holding all the cards. 

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What does your gut tell you? Listen to your intuition. 

Too me it seems that he has a crush at the very least. If so, it is definitely best to take wiseman2's advice and jump- start your relationship. Get his attention back on you. 

That being said, I suspect that it is more than just a crush based on his co-workers assumptions about the two of them. 

Feeling brewing between them...that is a very slippery slope. 

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31 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

I have... The rumours were at the beginning of the year 

 

47 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

A few people had started rumours and he had a meeting about it and told me straight away. I believe nothing physical has gone on

Why did he have a meeting about it, exactly? Was he being accused of harassment? Sex in the workplace? Is is against company policy for employees to become romantically involved? 

I think in light of the backstory here, it’s not just your average social media browsing. 

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1 hour ago, Pica89 said:

So I've been with him 8 years, married 1. The woman is someone he works with

We've argued about him looking at her stories so he muted her and now he doesn't know I've seen but I've seen him scrolling her page of pictures. Some are normal, some are bikini shots

Are you certain it's just the photos and not other behavior? Is there any possibility that there are other things going on, but the photos are the focal point of the problem? Such as you feeling neglected in the relationship or other things? For example perhaps he is focusing to much attention on her or social media in general and not enough on you. That behavior overall is the issue, but the photos are the glaring problem.

As for whether or not looking at pictures of social media, I think it depends on multiple things. If he's fawning over her social media page then yes I can understand being upset over it. But if he's simply following her and seeing her content, it's not an issue. Even if he goes to her page to check it out, I don't think that's a huge deal if it's not done obsessively. I think it really depends on how this is happening and how frequently. 

What's most important in all of this, is how you feel about it. The other thing that's important is that you make sure your feelings are rational, fair, valid and reasonable . That it's not just rooted in irrational insecurities. 

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Without more information that indicates a problem, you may simply be jealous and paranoid.  That would be a better scenario than him actually doing something wrong.  Of course, different people have different boundaries and triggers when it comes to things they perceive as problematical for the relationship.  So far, I'm not hearing anything damning from you about his behavior.

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I would view being called in for a meeting over 'rumours' quite serious. It means that other colleagues have witnessed something so inappropriate, or that made them so suspicious, that they reported it to someone. Trust your gut feeling, the clues are there, and the meeting thing is far more worrisome than the social media thing. Ultimately, it's not about her because if he wasn't sneak-following her he'd be sneak-following someone else if he's bored and looking around at other women. I'm wondering how old your child is. Something a lot of women do without realising is start to neglect their partner's emotional needs when baby comes along, and men who are feeling relegated to second fiddle sometimes respond by looking elsewhere for the attention they're no longer getting at home. At best it could be that he's just bored at home and got a crush, and that can be fixed, at worst there is something already going on and the rot has set in. You need to tell him you're feeling a little threatened and you're worrying, if he cares he'll understand why and stop the social media stalking, and if he doesn't care he'll accuse you of spying on him and being insecure. 

Edited by MsJayne
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This is a sucky situation to be sure. I’m sorry you’re going through it. To me, the fact that he said there was a “meeting” about it, and that he was accused of having an affair with her means that it is more likely more than him just looking at pictures of her on social media. To me that is a very big, flashing, red flag. How did you decide that nothing physical happened? Either way, it totally seems like he, at the very least, is quite interested in her. Like, more than just a friend, interested in her.

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I agree with donnivain. I will also add spying on each other is asking for trouble.. Trust is on the chopping block  You have known him for quite some time before you married. Was there anything that showed you not to trust him in all that time?

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I think that's what I'm worried about most. I've had no reason not to trust him otherwise I wouldn't have married him but I'm worried he actually has feelings for her 

I've seen her and she's really pretty and from snooping her social media they have stuff in common 

I don't see why else he'd keep looking at her pictures or doing her favours 

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.... and when you voiced your discomfort he has ignored that in favour of still looking and doing her favours???
Like what favours???...
 

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2 hours ago, Pica89 said:

I don't see why else he'd keep looking at her pictures or doing her favours 

OP, you keep revealing little tidbits of information about him and this woman. It would be helpful if you could elaborate so we have better understanding of the history between these two, as it's quite clear that this is not just about looking at her pics online. 

What sort of favours has he been doing? 

What exactly was this meeting at work about? 

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She doesn't want to take decisive action. She is terribly afraid.

I feel for her but the only way I know to overcome paralyzing feelings is to make a decision and follow through knowing it's the right move for herself.

When she will come to that conclusion?

Writing to this forum is only the first baby step.

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