elaine567 Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 7 minutes ago, Pica89 said: I know it's not physical, that doesn't mean there's not a problem if he cares about someone else How do you know it isn't physical or was physical at work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pica89 Posted September 17, 2020 Author Share Posted September 17, 2020 I probably sound naive but he wouldn't do that to me. I actually think he's convinced himself there's no issue as he did stop looking at the stories, then looking at her pictures a few months later seems to be the case We've had conversations about it and he insists nothing has happened but I have to know if I'm being unreasonable by not being OK with him doing favours for or looking at pictures of another woman Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 22 minutes ago, Pica89 said: We've had conversations about it and he insists nothing has happened but I have to know if I'm being unreasonable by not being OK with him doing favours for or looking at pictures of another woman I wouldn't be okay with his continued interest in a woman with whom he was accused of having an inappropriate relationship, no. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 47 minutes ago, Pica89 said: I probably sound naive but he wouldn't do that to me I may be cynical, but yes you are very naive if you believe that... Sorry! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 3 hours ago, Pica89 said: I know it's not physical, that doesn't mean there's not a problem if he cares about someone else How? Many betrayed spouses had said this and been 100% wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 3 hours ago, Pica89 said: I probably sound naive but he wouldn't do that to me. I actually think he's convinced himself there's no issue as he did stop looking at the stories, then looking at her pictures a few months later seems to be the case We've had conversations about it and he insists nothing has happened but I have to know if I'm being unreasonable by not being OK with him doing favours for or looking at pictures of another woman Read through some of the threads on here. No ones believes their spouse is able to do this to them. Then they find out it has been going on for 0 to 20 years. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) On 9/16/2020 at 1:02 PM, Pica89 said: I told him to stop looking at everything she posted on her story after I caught him viewing daily and he muted her Daily does indeed seem a bit frequent. It's clearly ambiguous what this is. It's possible he has a mild crush on her but has done nothing about it in physical terms (it's of course also possible he has). Many folks would call that an Emotional Affair. To many guys, though, it's not necessarily seen as a big deal IF there's no physical contact. (Of course, how would they feel if the wife were the one doing it, heh.) In your case, we don't know what sorts of things they were talking about OR to what extent emotional is actually involved. IF this is the case, he may perceive all this as much less of a big deal than you do. He needs to be made aware it's doing real damage to the marriage. Not to be too gross, but another possibility is he thinks she's cute and masturbates to her pic. It might surprise you but as a male he may not have any particularly strong feelings when doing this. She is eye candy/stimulation, but not really much more. Some men (and women) do this, we've been discussing it on another thread. So that is another possibility. If it's feelings you're worried about, this may actually be a better scenario than "closeness" as discussed above. They talk, she flirts a bit, this is arousing and viewing her SM pics reminds him of it and "helps" him. He compartmentalizes this and essentially forgets about it until it's again time to "meet his needs." This would not shock me. Men are different and many have a high "drive" to take care of regularly. This wouldn't necessarily require strong emotions. At this point I'd say it's a 50/50 chance whether there's genuine strong emotion involved (without more info that you're able to find). I do think the every day aspect is worrisome. Another way to look at this - as the spouse, it's your "right" to set whatever boundaries you need in the relationship in order to make you feel comfortable. The flip side is of course that if they are TOO restrictive for your partner, they won't last long one way or another, whether via leaving, open defiance of the "rules," or subterfuge. My take on boundaries with friends is that opposite sex friends should be allowed, but the spouse (either) has the "right" to stop any particular friendship if they feel threatened by it. It seems like that's what happened here, but that was too restrictive and thus subterfuge. I think you might consider making it VERY clear this isn't acceptable to you and is genuinely hurting you and must stop. He can have OTHER friends, but not this one. If you do this and he can't or won't stop, you need to have figured out for yourself how you will negotiate and how far you might take this (if you have to) in terms of consequences. IMO you might also consider positive "rewards" for him ending the friendship as well, although I'd leave it to you to decide what those might be. I'm going to guess you're going to be uncomfortable with extra sex being one of them for at least a while. That's totally understandable given the situation. But perhaps something else. Edited September 17, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pica89 Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 Do you think it's possible to hide feelings for someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 (edited) Many of these out of context rhetorical questions won't help you. They seem like you want a specific answer. For example can people hide their feelings. Of course you already know the answer but what is it you want to hear? You state they are not having an affair but there was office gossip to that effect. You already know that they work together and chitchat on social media outside of work and that this upsets you. Are you hiding your anger and jealousy? What you need to determine preferably with a marriage counselor, is whether this is a threat to your marriage, a lack of communication or respect for your feelings or boundaries, or something else like jealousy. It seems there's a huge communication breakdown if you need surveys to answer what only he can tell you or a marriage therapist could advise you. Edited September 18, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 6 minutes ago, Pica89 said: Do you think it's possible to hide feelings for someone? Of course, some people are secretly in love with another for years, even decades... Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 20 minutes ago, Pica89 said: Do you think it's possible to hide feelings for someone? People in affairs can look their SO in the eyes and lie without batting a lash. They mentally separate their married life from their love interests. It's called compartmentalization. They will insist that their amorous activities are outside the marriage and have nothing to do with their partner. Their partner usually does not see it that way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 How old is this woman? Is she married? Does she have kids? How old is he? Whose idea was it to get married after 7 years? How old is your kid (kids)? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 17 hours ago, Pica89 said: We've had conversations about it and he insists nothing has happened but I have to know if I'm being unreasonable by not being OK with him doing favours for or looking at pictures of another woman My take is that he's an honorable man with a good moral compass. He may not have cheated but he wants to. So do you really want to carry on being married to a man who would prefer to be with somebody else who is sorry he married you? Again, this is why you need marriage counseling 2 hours ago, Pica89 said: Do you think it's possible to hide feelings for someone? Possible sure. Problem is he isn't hiding anything. You can see the feelings. You just don't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 18 hours ago, Pica89 said: I know it's not physical, that doesn't mean there's not a problem if he cares about someone else I didn't say there wasn't a problem, I said don't indulge speculation about a physical affair if you know that's not the case. But still, what can you do to force him not to feel what he's feeling? What are you prepared to do if he stays the course? You can't climb up in his head and direct traffic--you can only control what you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pica89 Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: How old is this woman? Is she married? Does she have kids? How old is he? Whose idea was it to get married after 7 years? How old is your kid (kids)? 30, same as me No No We sort of said it together a few years ago, took a while to plan. I wanted big he wanted small, we went biggish 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 Alas given your revelations, I more & more sense that your husband is looking at these pictures of this co-worker because he's looking for the exit to you marriage. You had a kid together when you were relatively young. You say marriage was mutual but I bet he will say he felt pressured into it. Then when he wanted small, you enlarged the wedding beyond what he wanted further making him feel ignored or unheard in your relationship. There are SERIOUS problems under here. His social media stalking is simply the symptom. Either voluntarily see a marriage counselor or I promise you will be seeing a divorce attorney soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pica89 Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 He's 38, just realised I haven't answered that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pica89 Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 @d0nnivain I think that's my fear. I know he loves me and we get on but I overheard him joke about the new divorce law (we're in Europe) coming in just before we got married and joked that it'll come in handy. It was definitely a joke but a joke like that a month before we got married would never have crossed my mind Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 Buy a few voice activated recorders (VARS) and hide them where he makes phone calls. It shouldn't take you long to find out what you need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 26 minutes ago, Pica89 said: @d0nnivain I think that's my fear. I know he loves me and we get on but I overheard him joke about the new divorce law (we're in Europe) coming in just before we got married and joked that it'll come in handy. It was definitely a joke but a joke like that a month before we got married would never have crossed my mind Definitely a poorly timed joke. Still I think he is looking around & is suffering from a bit of GIGs. You need marriage counseling. Left alone this gulf will widen; you need to do the the work to heal it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pica89 Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 I wasn't going to post any of this but I'm now just using it to write... With the favours thing, stuff like her asking him to give a present to a friend of hers he works with as she wouldn't be in. Personal not work. I just feel why couldn't she wait and do it herself and why would he say yes Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 16 hours ago, Pica89 said: With the favours thing, stuff like her asking him to give a present to a friend of hers he works with as she wouldn't be in. Personal not work. I just feel why couldn't she wait and do it herself and why would he say yes Because they're looking for a way to stay connected to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pica89 Posted September 19, 2020 Author Share Posted September 19, 2020 Over something so menial? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 4 minutes ago, Pica89 said: Over something so menial? Yes, especially after they've already been the subject of speculation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pica89 Posted September 19, 2020 Author Share Posted September 19, 2020 Is that really a thing? She would ask him to deliver something for her to stay connected to him? Link to post Share on other sites
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