Looking at photos?

[Pica89]

She's doing some education degree and the focus group is about our child... Is that still a red flag? 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Pica89 said:

She's doing some education degree and the focus group is about our child... Is that still a red flag? 

Why is about your child?

It seems to me they're still looking for ways to stay connected, so in light of everything else, I would say that is a red flag. 

[Pica89]

Sorry, the focus group is about children but asking him for his input is about our child 

 

I know they're all little things but he seems to say yes to anything she asks

[Fletch Lives]

nevermind

Edited September 27, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Pica89]

? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Pica89 said:

I know they're all little things but he seems to say yes to anything she asks

Then why aren't you addressing it with him?

[Pica89]

I have, repeatedly but he says it's nothing 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Pica89 said:

I have, repeatedly but he says it's nothing 

He need to do more than say it's nothing. 

He needs to stop engaging with her. He needs to stop admiring her bikini shots when he thinks you're not looking - have you spoken to him about that yet?

Edited September 27, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Pica89]

It sounds pathetic but I'm too scared. Not of him but of me. We've already argued about him watching her videos and him stopping which he has... I've been aware of her existence for 2 years so I'm worried what the future holds 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Pica89 said:

 We've already argued about him watching her videos and him stopping which he has... I've been aware of her existence for 2 years so I'm worried what the future holds 

What do you mean by this? That he will leave you for her eventually?  If your marriage is an issue you need to start your own personal therapy for some guidance. Standing around feeling jealous and nagging hasn't help, has it?

[Azincourt]

On 9/16/2020 at 7:58 PM, Pica89 said:

If you saw your husband looking at photos of another woman he knows on her social media regularly, would you be OK with that? 

Yes, if I saw my wife or girlfriend looking at pictures of other men she knows of personally on her social media regularly, I would be fine with that. Even Angelina Jolie checks out other men, including her ex-husband's friends, even during their marriage, I'm sure. People don't become priests just because they get married. 

Low self-esteem is the biggest turn off for me. If you want to control whom I look at, we're better off calling the marriage quits. That's how I see it. This isn't rural China in the 13 century B.C. Social media is everywhere, and if not that, there's millions of attractive women walking outside the house wearing shorts shorts and with everything on display. Does that also make a woman or a man feel insecure?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Pica89 said:

It sounds pathetic but I'm too scared. Not of him but of me. 

I’m not sure what you mean by this. 

Are you afraid to rock the boat and risk upsetting him? Are you afraid of having your suspicions confirmed? 

[Acacia98]

On 9/20/2020 at 11:16 PM, Pica89 said:

I've just walked past the sofa (he's got earphones in so didn't hear me, I had been upstairs with our child) and he's got a glass of wine with a picture of her in a bikini on the screen so I don't think it's a work friendship 

Let's assume the best-case scenario: He has a crush on her. She doesn't reciprocate his feelings. They'll never have an affair.

Okay. But that still leaves you with a husband who has enough contempt for you to ogle at bikini pictures of a woman he works with when you're under the same roof as him. He knows that, if you catch him, it will make you feel insecure, but he doesn't care. 

To me, it doesn't matter whether he's sleeping with her or not. It matters that he does not have empathy for you. When people stop caring about your feelings, you can rest assured that they will hurt you deeply.

[Pica89]

I'm afraid he'll say something that means I have to end my marriage 

[stillafool]

If he doesn't love you enough to respect you you have no marriage anyway.

[Acacia98]

1 minute ago, Pica89 said:

I'm afraid he'll say something that means I have to end my marriage 

Face your fear. You need to start preparing yourself mentally for that outcome.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Pica89 said:

I'm afraid he'll say something that means I have to end my marriage 

So you seethe and suffer, but think you're on the verge of divorce? Do you work? Are you afraid of financial loss and r sharing custody of your child?

Edited September 27, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Pica89]

I don't seethe. Read what I write, I've spoken to him multiple times. 

 

No, I'm not afraid of those things. I love my husband 

[Azincourt]

Quote

I'm afraid he'll say something that means I have to end my marriage 

So what?  Consider this to be your starter marriage. You might find yourself a better husband. My mother sure did. My mom's first husband was terrible, and now she's hella happy with my dad, although  one of the reasons my folks marriage has lasted this long is because my mother isn't jealous of the attractive women my dad works with, and yes, my mother is aware my father finds other women other than her to be hot. 

He even used to eat together with those hot women, alone! Yes!  And these women's husbands knew about it and were pretty chill about having their wives spend time alone with an attractive man! Man, we sure have fallen from Grace, haven't we?

[schlumpy]

Pica you need an ally that is on the scene. An ally can be a family member, BFF, or your lawyer. They will listen to you and gently point you in the right direction or suggest strategies you can use to get to your goal which is I assume, to restore your marriage which is something you cannot do by yourself.

You can of course continue the way you are until he gets bored with her or has an affair.

Have you thought ahead as to what you will do if he has a physical affair? He is already having an emotional affair.

What are you prepared to do? Is an affair a deal breaker for you or will you look the other way?

You need an ally and you need a contingency plan.

Hide some money away just in case.

[Watercolors]

7 hours ago, Pica89 said:

It sounds pathetic but I'm too scared. Not of him but of me. We've already argued about him watching her videos and him stopping which he has... I've been aware of her existence for 2 years so I'm worried what the future holds 

So, for the past 2 years you have tip-toed around your husband wondering if he's been cheating on you with his pretty work colleague; you've already addressed your fears with your husband, yet you are still feeling insecure and paranoid about it b/c of the times you've caught him looking at her IG stories where she's in a bikini; you're afraid to say anything more because you are too passive around him and you immediately emotionally shut down when you two argue about her in his life.

I think you may want to consider going to individual counseling to ask the therapist why you are jealous of this woman. If you are a stay at home mom with a 5 year old and don't work do you feel like you are missing out on life somehow? By not being a career woman?

If your husband has already told you that he isn't cheating on you, then you can either believe him and drop it and stop snooping and peeking over his shoulder; or you can continue to quietly feel paranoid and anxious and that will seep out eventually in the form of you picking fights with your husband about inane things, misdirecting those feelings on things like, he didn't buy the right kind of butter or toilet paper, when really you're upset that she's still in his life professionally and you don't trust her or your husband. I think counseling for yourself right now would help. So would starting a hobby that gets you out of the house, with something else to focus on.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Pica89 said:

I'm afraid he'll say something that means I have to end my marriage 

Would you be prefer that he (hypothetically) does things that could end your marriage while you are in the dark or pretend not to see?

[Pica89]

I wouldn't, no. But after nearly a decade together, it's a terrifying thought to have to come to terms of

 

People project a lot. No where have I said I'm a stag at home parent. I work and own the house 

[schlumpy]

"Fear is the mind killer." a quote from Dune by Frank Herbert.

It certainly is. I've felt that fear before and its accompanying paralysis.

Did you buy the house before the marriage or during the marriage? It makes a difference as to marital assets.

If you don't answer his lack of respect for you then look for things to get much worse.

He has changed the boundaries of your marriage. It now OK to have personal relationships with other women regardless of how your SO feels about it. You could turn that around on him and realize the is OK for you to. Many SO's don't wake to what they are doing until it's being done to them.

Your response to his gambit is critical to saving your marriage.

Sometimes you have to risk what you have to save it.

I think you should strongly consider presenting him with a trial separation where the rules are spelled out.

It's the only leverage, at this point, that you have and regardless of your efforts, your marriage has changed forever going forwards.

[Watercolors]

7 hours ago, Pica89 said:

I wouldn't, no. But after nearly a decade together, it's a terrifying thought to have to come to terms of

 

People project a lot. No where have I said I'm a stag at home parent. I work and own the house 

Who is projecting? Me? I don't think so. Stop deflecting. You wrote that you have been seething about this for 2 years. You have kept it to yourself after confronting your husband and you are still seething about it, worried, even paranoid that he'll have a physical affair with her. If you work and own a house and have a 5 year old child with your husband, why can't you suggest marriage counseling to discuss the problems that exist in your marriage. His attractive coworker isn't the cause of your marriage problems - it's the side effect. That's always how it happens with affairs; men and women cheat on their spouse because the communication and whatever else has broken down in their marriage, and one or both spouses refuse to work on the marriage problems together, making excuses so that they don't have to take responsibility." What marriage problems do you admit you and your husband have had for ten years, that neither of you wants to address. Otherwise, your husband wouldn't be ogling his coworker on her IG, and you wouldn't be creeping around him, silently seething about his behavior even though you two argued about it already which never resolved anything.