Engaged and unsure on choosing a Maid of Honor

[FutureBride]

Hi all! I’m recently engaged, and I’m starting to think about who to ask to join my bridal party. I have 6 girls in mind, but I’m only sure about 5 of them. I’m asking my fiancé’s two sisters, and three of my sorority sisters from

college and my friend of 11 years (Let’s call her 11yrfriend). Ideally, 11yrfriend will be my MOH, but Im having doubts / second thoughts about asking her. She’s already mentioned that she isn’t going to have $ and she’s going to be really busy. She still likes to enjoy the party scene, and I feel like our priorities are just off I had dinner with her last night, and we discussed my future bachelorette party. I told her I want to fly to Vegas, and she said “that’s not what she would plan.” She’s also made comments about thinking the other maids won’t be good choices. 
 

idk what to do or if I should even ask her. In my heart, I know I’ll be sad if I don’t but I also don’t see our friendship withstanding the stress of my wedding. I recently had a falling out with one of her party friends (right before my fiancé and I got serious). Lately she’s been trying to get me to start partying again with her and this other friend. I’ve told her a few times that I’m just not interested. My life, albeit boring, is more than fulfilling and I’m happy. I don’t think she understand that and I feel like she isn’t going to be supportive and I just want a supportive broad standing up by me.
 

Advice on how to handle this? Do I ask her to be my MOH? Do I have a conversation with her about it first? 

[Veronica73]

If it was me, I’d try to have a conversation with her first. But....take that with a grain of salt. I wouldn’t even have 6 people I’d want to stand up at my wedding.

[FutureBride]

Just now, Veronica73 said:

If it was me, I’d try to have a conversation with her first. But....take that with a grain of salt. I wouldn’t even have 6 people I’d want to stand up at my wedding.

It’s mostly to accommodate my fiancé because he has 6 people he can’t leave out between brothers and frat brothers. 😔 

[basil67]

You know that she doesn't have the money and is hard pressed for time.   And as you're guessing ahead of time that your wedding will be so stressful that it could break your friendship, I'd let her off the hook by saying that you respect her financial position and time limitations.   I suspect she'll feel relief rather than disappointment.  

And if you choose to go to Vegas, be kind to her if she can't afford to attend.

Edited September 17, 2020 by basil67

[FutureBride]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Let me add, she asked me if she still gets to me my maid of honor, to which I said yes. A week later, when I declined to go clubbing because I am no longer into that life style she got upset and she started telling me how broke she is and how busy she is. 

Weddings are stressful enough without having someone who is making things personal because I wish to not go clubbing. I didn’t want to write a novel, but perhaps I left out pertinent details. She has the money and the time for things that are convenient for her. I told her that my fiancé and I will not be paying for opening bar because we do not want to see people get drunk at our reception. Her response was, “we will all find a way. I can’t wait to be the drunk bridesmaid at your wedding.i can already see you trying to tell me to almost down and to drink water.” 
 

I’m always kind. I don’t feel very supportive. 

Edited September 17, 2020 by FutureBride

[basil67]

Ok, so the conversation is more about how to ditch her as MOH?   I'd start a conversation about how it's becoming apparent that you and she have very different ideas about the wedding.  Tell her that you don't want her to be stuck doing things she doesn't want, so you want to discuss whether she feels she's the right fit.   And it's OK to tell her that you want a relatively sober MOH.

And she's right about the drinking.  If people want to drink, they will buy their own drinks.  The only way around it is to have something like a tea party luncheon or close the bar.   And I don't think you'd win many brownie points with your guests if you close the bar.   There are some things you can't control.

[FutureBride]

For the most part, our guests are going to be pretty respectful. Fiancé and I both come from pretty conservative families, so the only fear is friends. Even then, however, our friends are pretty good at reading a room. I think it’s crappy of her to tell me “I can’t wait to be the drunk bridesmaid at your wedding. I can see you now taking care of me” that comment tells me she has zero respect for me and how important this is to me. 

I don’t necessarily want to ditch her, no. I want to make the best choice for everyone involved. 
 

for the record, I’m not too concerned with scoring brownie points with my guests re: having a bar. People can drink before or after  (there will be a gap between the church ceremony and the reception and our venue’s last call is at 10:30). If people choose to decline our invitation because we won’t be supplying them with alcohol that’s fine with me - less mouths to feed. 
 

ive been to dry weddings - it didn’t make any difference to me. Weddings are expensive 

Edited September 17, 2020 by FutureBride

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

4 minutes ago, FutureBride said:

 I think it’s crappy of her to tell me “I can’t wait to be the drunk bridesmaid at your wedding. I can see you now taking care of me” that comment tells me she has zero respect for me and how important this is to me. 

I don’t necessarily want to ditch her, no. I want to make the best choice for everyone involved. 

This sounds really immature of her. How old is she? (Sorry if you already said)

Aside from the wedding, how close are you anymore to this friend?  If you weren't engaged and planning a wedding, how often would you talk?  Do you confide in her? Do you feel as if she gives as much as she takes in your relationship? Besides her, who else are you considering for your MOH?

[FutureBride]

6 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

This sounds really immature of her. How old is she? (Sorry if you already said)

Aside from the wedding, how close are you anymore to this friend?  If you weren't engaged and planning a wedding, how often would you talk?  Do you confide in her? Do you feel as if she gives as much as she takes in your relationship? Besides her, who else are you considering for your MOH?

I’m 34, and she’s 37!!! 
 

I agree - it is super immature of her. We only talk when I reach out. A while ago she told me that she felt that I had abandoned our friendship (we are in a pandemic and I cancelled plans when everything was so sensitive and uncertain about going out). She talked to everyone but me about how she felt abandoned by me and that maybe we were drifting apart. She said “I was just going to let it take its course. You were either going to come back around or not. Either way, I was going to be ok with both” 

when she told me she felt abandoned and neglected by me I made it a point to out something on the calendar with her at least once a month. I’ve kept my end up, but sadly, I feel like besides showing up to Dinners or brunches, she isn’t putting in much of an effort with me anymore. I had dinner with her last night and she kept looking at her phone. When I asked if everything was okay, she told me she was going to a bar after so she was checking the time to make sure she wasn’t running late. 
 

so to answer your question, I seriously doubt our friendship is even really all there anymore. 
 

and idk who else I would pick as my MOH. 😕

Edited September 17, 2020 by FutureBride

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh good Lord.....37???!!! I was thinking you were going to say 22 or 23! I think you should consider just not having a MOH.  There's no law that says you HAVE to have one.  Does your fiance definitely want a best man?  You can have the girls just walk in height order or something.  Do you feel like you NEED a MOH?  Are you close enough to the fiance's sisters to have two MOHs in them?  

Also, you don't HAVE to have exactly the same number of bridesmaids as groomsmen.  That can definitely be worked around (i.e. in the recessional, have one of the extra groomsmen walk down the aisle with grandma or something).  

Edited September 17, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[FutureBride]

19 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Oh good Lord.....37???!!! I was thinking you were going to say 22 or 23! I think you should consider just not having a MOH.  There's no law that says you HAVE to have one.  Does your fiance definitely want a best man?  You can have the girls just walk in height order or something.  Do you feel like you NEED a MOH?  Are you close enough to the fiance's sisters to have two MOHs in them?  

Also, you don't HAVE to have exactly the same number of bridesmaids as groomsmen.  That can definitely be worked around (i.e. in the recessional, have one of the extra groomsmen walk down the aisle with grandma or something).  

Fiancé has already asked his cousin to be his best man and he’s really set on us having even numbers. He’s kind of a groomzilla. 
 

a friend said that 11yrfriend is probably just mad because it’s not her going through this journey so she’s behaving this way out of jealousy. Is that even a thing?! I refuse to believe that’s a thing. It’s so sad 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

3 minutes ago, FutureBride said:

Fiancé has already asked his cousin to be his best man and he’s really set on us having even numbers. He’s kind of a groomzilla. 
 

a friend said that 11yrfriend is probably just mad because it’s not her going through this journey so she’s behaving this way out of jealousy. Is that even a thing?! I refuse to believe that’s a thing. It’s so sad 

Yes, that's definitely a thing!  But it also doesn't make her a great friend :(.  

She may be willing to be let off the hook for this.  I know that I was in SO many weddings in my twenties that by the time I was 37 I was REALLY hoping that I'd never have to be in a wedding ever again lol.  My reason was mostly just because of being in a bridesmaid dress in front of an audience after having two kids.

Without a strong backup it's hard to really advise you on what to do since your fiance has a strong opinion about it (which is fine!).  

[FutureBride]

@CautiouslyOptimistic thank you for your input, kindness and talking it out with me. 
 

[MsJayne]

Yes, wedding/relationship jealousy is a thing, but I don't think she's jealous, I think she's annoyed that you're not available to be a party buddy any longer.  I get that you're maturing and don't want to party so much now, but from her point of view it probably feels like you've become very boring. You're obviously drifting apart due to different lifestyles and that's normal in friendships. I'd be having a talk with her and point out that you don't want drunk bridesmaids embarrassing you on your special day. If she takes offence I'd say the friendship's over. 

[lana-banana]

There is really no reason to have a MOH if you don't feel there's someone in your life that fills that role. What you're describing is the natural end of a friendship, and "giving" her the MOH spot out of some sense of obligation will almost certainly end the friendship for good. My sister-in-law did something similar with her MOH and it ended in a drunken mess and a police car. This is your wedding and you should be enjoying as much as possible, not feeling resentful. (Also: clubbing at age 37? I'm honestly impressed. I'm 34 and am reluctant to be out of bed past 9:30.)

When we got married, we had a "best man" and a "man of honor" but no ceremony. Our "best men" each read a nice speech, we had exactly one dance, and then that was it. We took all the money we saved and instead bought out a top-flight cocktail and put every penny into food and drink. It was a fantastic party where everyone ate and drank and chilled out, no ceremony required. Have you guys actually sat down and talked about what you both want for the day, or what would make you both happiest? Weddings---and marriages too, really---don't work without a shared vision. It's one thing to disagree on table colors, but it's not fair to you to pull together an elaborate production if your heart isn't in it. Talk to your fiance! His desires don't get to dictate the whole day - this is about both of you. If you can't find that many people you'd want to stand at your wedding (and lord knows I couldn't) then see if you can figure out a compromise. It sounds like he'd be happy with his buddies doing some kind of elaborate song and dance routine to serenade him on his way in? Point out that if you don't have a bunch of bridesmaids that leaves you more money for bachelor shenanigans!

[d0nnivain]

Understand that although it has become the norm that the MOH plans things, including the shower & the bachelorette party, that is not the MOH's function.  All she really has to do is wear the dress you pick, fluff your train when you get to the end of the aisle, hold your flowers during the ceremony & sign the marriage license as a witness.  Everything else -- all the stuff that you are getting stressed over & the stuff that will ruin your friendship -- is not a requirement.  

You are doing what many brides to -- expecting your friends to be as excited about your wedding as you are.  They usually aren't & it causes hurt feelings.  

To keep the peace, have her as a bridesmaid but do not burden her with any planning responsibilities & expect your friendship will change.  She is not up to the task of all the planning you expect.  She is not going to be there for you every step of the way.  She is not as invested as you want her to be & you are already annoyed about this.  Save yourself the grief.  Assuming one of your sorority sisters who you want in the wedding is your Big or your Little, pick one of them as the MOH. It sounds like you have known them longer than this 11 year friend, who you met post college if you are 37 now.  You might even be better off picking one of your future SILs.  This is all too much drama for somebody your age.  

[FutureBride]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Understand that although it has become the norm that the MOH plans things, including the shower & the bachelorette party, that is not the MOH's function.  All she really has to do is wear the dress you pick, fluff your train when you get to the end of the aisle, hold your flowers during the ceremony & sign the marriage license as a witness.  Everything else -- all the stuff that you are getting stressed over & the stuff that will ruin your friendship -- is not a requirement.  

You are doing what many brides to -- expecting your friends to be as excited about your wedding as you are.  They usually aren't & it causes hurt feelings.  

To keep the peace, have her as a bridesmaid but do not burden her with any planning responsibilities & expect your friendship will change.  She is not up to the task of all the planning you expect.  She is not going to be there for you every step of the way.  She is not as invested as you want her to be & you are already annoyed about this.  Save yourself the grief.  Assuming one of your sorority sisters who you want in the wedding is your Big or your Little, pick one of them as the MOH. It sounds like you have known them longer than this 11 year friend, who you met post college if you are 37 now.  You might even be better off picking one of your future SILs.  This is all too much drama for somebody your age.  

I’m 34, 11yrfriend is 37. 
 

You pointed out a great fact - Times have changed and although the requirement of a maid of honor is to just wear a dress, etc, the role of MOH in current times is slightly more involved. Trust me - I’ve been there myself and I’ve been super excited about my friends’ weddings in the past. The word Honor is in the title, and I refuse to go into it with the expectation Of being OK with the bare minimum. My friends (11yrfriend included) know my type A personality and they were all given the choice to decline given how particular I am. That being said, it really has made my upcoming decision much easier. Regardless, this isn’t about me and what I hope to see at my shower and bachelorette party. 
 

this was a genuine question about how to handle a friendship that is clearly drifting and it’s clearly causing me heartache when I should be excited.  
 

I think I plan on holding off until the new year to determine whether or not she is worthy of standing next to me. And I don’t expect her to be there every step of the way, but the sad truth is that she probably won’t even be there for me a 1/2 step 1/2 the way here. When I mentioned to 11yrfriend that my life started to slow down because me and fiancé were getting more serious she thought I was making a choice to say good bye to my old ways to appease him. Her words were “I don’t like how much you’ve changed for him. It’s not healthy.” I haven’t changed that much and my change has been my choice. I’m much more fulfilled watching a movie with a glass of wine on a Saturday night than raging all night long. Perhaps part of me has always preferred quiet nights over the clubbing scene. I’m not ashamed of where my life is, albeit boring. honestly, she would be much happier if it were her journey and she would have already kicked me out of the wedding if I even behaved the way she had been. 
 

I don’t expect her to be even a little excited. The good news is, the other maids are ecstatic and I have one already willing to step up in case 11yrfriend is given the title and ends up failing me (some may not agree but that’s how I feel because only I know how much effort I’ve put in to doing things for 11Yrfriend). 
 

thanks everyone. This has been really helpful.