My fixation on reciprocity is causing me to get discouraged and abandon my relationships

[anakhet]

Hi everyone! I’m new to this forum and I’d like to know your thoughts about my situation. Most of my relationships have soured in a similar way, and I realized that I have certain tendencies that are causing this pattern. I’d like to stop, but I’m not sure how. For context, my relationships have all lasted around 2 years with some long distance in each.

 

Initially and prior to the relationship, I show my interest in all the typical ways: I pursue conversation, I take interest in my partner’s stories, I try to help when they need, I buy/make them small gifts, I show affection, etc. However, problems arise because I am somehow very sensitive to the reciprocity of my partners. If I feel like I am doing more for them than they are for me, I get frustrated and unappreciated. If I feel like they are doing more for me than I am for them, I feel guilty and inadequate. Both of these feelings can occur simultaneously based on the subject (gifts, affection, sharing). However, usually the latter takes over: as I feel more and more inadequate for my partner, I get discouraged and lose the motivation to do things for them. This feeds a loop, where I do less and less, and my partner begins to notice and asks me to do more. I get resentful at this, because I feel like it’s impossible to “get even” while they’re showering me with affection and gifts.

 

I ended my last relationship for this very reason. I loved my partner but I was getting more and more anxious every day at my inability to show/accept love. In the past, I was less self-aware: I just felt like my partners were smothering me with their attention and emotionally dependent, so I left them. But looking back, I had fallen into the same trap then as now.

 

I met with a therapist about this and she suggested that I try to ignore reciprocity in my non-romantic relationships, including friends and family, since I also think this way with them. Basically, just be grateful when people do things for me and not fixate on “paying them back”, and not “keeping tabs” on what I do for them. While I think this is a good start, it feels like an incomplete solution. It doesn’t help that my therapist looked completely puzzled about my case, and so I’d especially like to find out here if there are others who have behaved in a similar way in their relationships, especially when it comes to feeling discouraged and inadequate the more their partner showed them affection. If so, how did you/are you dealing with this?

[Tonk]

I would strongly suggest you read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover as it addresses this very problem! (I'm not affiliated with the book or author)

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like you are fixated on keeping score and finding reasons to push people away.

Perhaps you are simply not ready for a relationship. Try to work things out first before you drag anyone else into your mixed feelings and start playing head games with them like push-pull, keeping score etc 

[schlumpy]

How do you keep score? Is it an overall feeling as to the gift giving or do you actually keep track of things by writing down each gift or favor given?

 

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like a lonely upsetting way to live.  I am a giving person & sometimes when I don't get back what I give I get upset.  Someone once said to me that I have to accept that I will always be a better friend to others than they are to me.  It was hard to hear & made me upset.  But gradually it allowed me to lower my expectations.  I still get joy out of doing for others & being needed but it doesn't quite hurt so much when I don't get it back.  When I do have a need I have learned to be more specific.  In this superficial example, if I am having a party & someone asks me what they can bring I give them a specific answer:  wine, ice, dessert etc.  It takes the pressure off everybody. 

[Chessy28]

I was someone who was intensely aware of reciprocity too. Most of my past relationships, I was putting in way more than they were. It's only fair that both partners try to make as much contributions as possible, whether it's time, effort, TLC or money. Your problem is the way you react to your partner showering you with gifts and attention you can't or won't reciprocate. The solution is to just stop dating and just focus on yourself, until you find someone you naturally click with and who doesn't try too hard or demand too much. 

[Emilie Jolie]

Sounds a lot like miscommonication issues based on not telling your partners how you really feel, and perhaps also a somewhat faulty partner-picker.

I agree with the above poster - perhaps you haven't met a compatible partner yet, instead repeating the same patterns of behaviour with the wrong people for you.

You need figure out what you actually want from a relationship, and the type of person who would be a good match for you.

[anakhet]

Thanks for all the comments so far! I really appreciate reading different perspectives.

I definitely agree that I need to put a pause on dating and focus on fixing this issue. I decided to stay single for as long as it takes and to meet a therapist. I wanted proper advice, but after a few sessions, I felt like we were not finding strong solutions to what feels like a very ingrained reflex. I'm still debating whether I should meet again or try a different one. In the meantime, I'm curious about other experiences out there (you might see this thread on other relationship forums).

To schlumpy: No, I don't actually record anything, that would be a whole other level! It's more of a general feeling that things are unbalanced, in either direction, and a discomfort that builds up.

To others: It could just be a compatibility issue, but because I do this with friends and colleagues, I think it's more fundamental than that. I don't think I should look for someone who will somehow not trigger my flaw.

[Acacia98]

10 minutes ago, anakhet said:

It could just be a compatibility issue, but because I do this with friends and colleagues, I think it's more fundamental than that.

Is it possible that you learned to feel this way about reciprocity in the context of your family? 

[Acacia98]

23 hours ago, anakhet said:

It doesn’t help that my therapist looked completely puzzled about my case, and so I’d especially like to find out here if there are others who have behaved in a similar way in their relationships, especially when it comes to feeling discouraged and inadequate the more their partner showed them affection. If so, how did you/are you dealing with this?

I think you should try another therapist because your situation really isn't that odd. I know folks who get similarly anxious. And they do tend to come from certain kinds of family backgrounds, e.g. where it's natural to exploit or be exploited by family members, where your value as a human being is decided based on what you can give to others. I have no idea if this is your situation. That's why I ask about your family in my previous post.

[spiderowl]

Have you experienced situations before where it has felt like any gifts are 'loaded' with expectation of reciprocity?  It's a dfficult one.  Too much attention can feel like pressure if you don't instinctively respond in the way your partner wants/is used to.  I have a friend who buys me things - little thoughtful gifts.  It's sweet of her but I rarely do that, except for birthdays.  I feel it is something she sees as important and as if she expects something similar in return.  She might not, but the feeling of it being unbalanced builds up.  I do things for her, take her places, pay for meals or coffee, I see that as my way of returning things.  Whether she sees it as 'fair' or not, I don't know.

It is interesting that you have drawn attention to this.  I am sure there are many relationships that founder because of a perceived lack of reciprocity or because one partner feels guilty that they are not being as affectionate and attentive as the other.  I feel there is a difference between something freely given - as in when you give your sister a lift because she needs it - and something where you feel the other person is totting everything up.  The latter works against freedom somehow and makes one feel obliged.  I feel more instinctively generous when I feel the other person is not totting up, that they are happy to give and take in whatever form seems to work best for each at the time.  That is what true friendship is about, feeling free with the person and having each other's backs.  It has very little to do with material gifts given.

I think you need to ask yourself how you show love and affection to your partners?  Do you do things for them or hug them, make them feel loved and cared for, or do you resent having to do any of that?  If the latter, then maybe there is a reason you are keeping count, because you know you are not giving to them in any way that makes them happy.  Maybe you feel uncomfortable being affectionate?  If so, ask yourself why?  It is almost as if you are asking, what do they expect from me?

The only times I've really been uneasy about receiving gifts is when I feel that that person expects something back other than a heartfelt thank you, in other words when they are totting things up.  There is a kind of unspoken expectation and one can sometimes detect a kind of meanness in their personality, as if they only give with the expectation of receiving an equivalent back.  Hard to explain really.

 

 

[neowulf]

On 9/17/2020 at 9:37 PM, Tonk said:

I would strongly suggest you read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover as it addresses this very problem! (I'm not affiliated with the book or author)

+1 to this recommendation.  It's helped me a lot in my own life.

You need to come to terms with giving more than you're comfortable giving.

Become aware of your own boundaries and make it clear what you will and won't give.

If you give with an open heart and without any covert contracts, you'll become more open and much more happy.

It's not an easy road.  I've struggled with this myself a lot as well.

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like you have an unhealthy approach to relationships, you have this view of relationships as transactional.  Each party has to be "even", and if one person gives something then the other has to "get even."  That is simply not what relationships should be about.  You have an unhealthy obsession with keeping score.  It's good that you went to a therapist to try and work on it.  Just because that therapist didn't help you doesn't mean that therapy won't be effective..... sometimes people have to try a few different therapists before they find one that they click with.  I think therapy really is your best bet in working on this issue.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sometimes when a friend or bf is giving a lot to me and I don't feel inspired or am not able to reciprocate I can sense it's irritating to the person. The pressure of their irritation then begins to feel like an attempt to control or manipulate me because I'm so free-spirited. So I run from the person. If they wouldn't be irritated, though, I wouldn't run. This has happened to me rarely, though.

I have friends who consistently give a lot to me without expecting anything in return. And I don't give as much to them. But, there is something that I'm able to give that many want. It costs me a lot of effort. But, those friends who give this way, at some point I shower them with this particular gift. They never would have expected it. But, I so appreciate the freedom they allow me that I just want to pull out all the stops in a huge way. And I just might give this gift to the same person more than once. Who knows? I definitely would to an SO.

For me, the greatest gift a friend can give me is freedom and space to be who I want to be. I"d much rather have that than favors or stuff.

I wonder if you grew up with someone who smothered you with either too much attention or too many material gifts but who was also manipulative so that you associate gift giving with being overbearing and controlling?  I think I could be in this category, except that it isn't a problem for me as long as the person doesn't begin to act annoyed about it. And since it hasn't happened much it hasn't disrupted my life at this point.

Edited September 21, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[stillafool]

If you must only give gifts after they've been given to you.  That way you won't feel like you're doing too much.

[mark clemson]

On 9/18/2020 at 12:40 AM, anakhet said:

To others: It could just be a compatibility issue, but because I do this with friends and colleagues, I think it's more fundamental than that.

An unusual form of OCD? (That's totally a guess - but intrusive thoughts are a hallmark...)

[boymommy]

I could have written this post myself! I am a giver so my particular slant is that I often get taken advantage of in relationship and have historically struggled with poor boundaries and not noticed when people's action's don't match their words (i.e. they say they'll call but then don't). What has helped me is working in with my therapist on my communication skills (my therapist also spoke with me about not fixating on keeping tabs or score because rarely are things "even" in a relationship) but rather pay attention to my anxious feelings and let that dictate when I talk to my partner about what I feel I need. Then come up with a compromise/solution TOGETHER and go from there. In past relationships this has actually driven people away who have attachement issues (avoidant or narccissitic people) but with more healthy people who are willing to work with me it's proven successful. My current relationship of 3 years is the best because my boyfriend is open to this feedback and always willing to work with me and acknowledge his own shortcomings as well as work on the relationship to make things as fair as possible so nobody feels slighted. 

On 9/21/2020 at 3:28 PM, mark clemson said:

An unusual form of OCD? (That's totally a guess - but intrusive thoughts are a hallmark...)

Can be a form of Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well where you fixate on certain aspects of relationship (both romantic/non romantic)