Wanting to Reconcile with Ex two years later

[BoogieWoogie]

Hey all. I broke up with a boyfriend 2 years ago (I'll call him T). He was 18 and I was 21, so after the honeymoon phase, I realized there was a gap in maturity and he just didn't seem compatible with me in general. There was also someone else around that I wanted to get to know. So I broke up with T so I could see where things went with the other person. However, I only told T that I don't think we were right for each other. I omitted that there was someone else on my mind to protect his feelings.

The break up was amicable at first. I never messaged him first, but he would message me from time to time to see how I was doing. He would always start with a super inappropriate joke, like "Can I eat your pussy?", which I thought was annoying because I've broken up with boyfriends in the past amicably and they have always been respectful and send me a simple "What's up?" or "How have you been?".

What shattered it all into bad terms was when he messaged me "Can I have the necklace I gave you back, so I can re-gift it?" I guess it was funny and a joke to him, but took it seriously because honestly, it sounds like something he would do lol. So I told him he's a little late for that. And then he just started sort of pushing my buttons. He said he had a confession, that a vial necklace he gave me with water from where we had our first date, was actually just tap water. I didn't really find it funny or necessary to say, so I told him to stop instigating. He said I take things too seriously. I got angry and told him I have a confession of my own, that I actually broke up with him because I wanted to get with someone else.

He didn't reply after and blocked me immediately on everything. Maybe I did take it too seriously, but I didn't like his tone or the direction the conversation was going. It almost felt like he was trying to make me feel bad for breaking up with him, which kind of confirmed that I made the right decision.

I thought it was funny at the time and went about my life just fine after that and have had other relationships since. What tripped me up was a dream I had about him a few weeks ago. We were on a double date with our respective imaginary SOs and we were friends again. It triggered certain emotions and I started wishing things didn't end in such a nasty way, you know? 

It makes me want to reconcile with him because I don't like being on bad terms with exes or friends. Especially if they live in the area or frequent the same places and there's a chance of bumping into each other. I don't regret what I said, but it also has me questioning if I could  have reacted differently to his texts. Let me be clear that I do not want to get back with him, nor do I plan on reaching out because he blocked me for a reason and I respect that. But how do I cope with this urge to reconcile? Was I right to strike back in our final conversation or should I have handled it differently? I'm just unsure if I did the right thing or not.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like a lost cause. It's unclear why you would even want a jerk like this back? Did you recently end a relationship?

[BoogieWoogie]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it sounds like a lost cause. It's unclear why you would even want a jerk like this back? Did you recently end a relationship?

You're probably right. I don't want to date him again, I just don't want to be enemies. I'm in a relationship right now; it's just a feeling that came out of the blue for no rhyme or reason. The feeling of wanting to reconcile will probably fade in a month or two anyway so I'm not hard pressed to do it, but for the moment, it's been on my mind and don't plan to act on it so I just want to know how to deal with it or just let it go quicker. But knowing he is a jerk definitely helps with letting that feeling go.

Edited September 17, 2020 by BoogieWoogie

[ajequals]

I'd let it go. you did rip his heart out with your reply. there's nothing to reconcile 

[BoogieWoogie]

14 minutes ago, ajequals said:

I'd let it go. you did rip his heart out with your reply. there's nothing to reconcile 

That's fair. I get that the break up probably upset him, but why not go no-contact instead of sending me tactless messages and provoke me? I personally think conversations with exes should be more delicate. But it is what it is now. It's just something that I've been thinking about and I can let go when that passes. 

Edited September 17, 2020 by BoogieWoogie

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, BoogieWoogie said:

But how do I cope with this urge to reconcile? Was I right to strike back in our final conversation or should I have handled it differently? I'm just unsure if I did the right thing or not.

You broke up with him for valid reasons.  You were mistaken to keep talking to him especially when he said vile things to you.  You striking back & saying something just to hurt him was wrong.   You both handled things badly.  

Leave it alone at this point.  Nothing good can come of any intentional contact with him.  If you bump into him in public randomly when you are out & about be civil but don't reach out.  Reaching out at this point is selfish & hurtful. Leave him out of your life & in peace.  

[BoogieWoogie]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You broke up with him for valid reasons.  You were mistaken to keep talking to him especially when he said vile things to you.  You striking back & saying something just to hurt him was wrong.   You both handled things badly.  

Leave it alone at this point.  Nothing good can come of any intentional contact with him.  If you bump into him in public randomly when you are out & about be civil but don't reach out.  Reaching out at this point is selfish & hurtful. Leave him out of your life & in peace.  

Thanks for your reply and answering my questions at the end! I agree that we both handled things wrong. I don't plan on reaching out, I just thought about the what if's if I did, but you're right about just leaving it be and I also think nothing good would come out of it if I actually went through with it.

[DarrenB]

1 hour ago, BoogieWoogie said:

But how do I cope with this urge to reconcile? Was I right to strike back in our final conversation or should I have handled it differently? I'm just unsure if I did the right thing or not.

A late blooming teenager with the maturity level of day old cheddar cheese. There's nothing you should even want to consider salvaging here... so what you coincidentally bump into each other? why would you want to associate yourself with someone like that? 

There's a clearly significant level of bitterness and resentment from both of you over the course of time after the breakup - more so him than yourself, but it all matters the same in terms of contribution. 

He continuously provoked you, you retaliated unconsciously with a blunt and honest response, he took offence to it and blocked you. I say good riddance, maybe it'll teach him not to be such a jackass in future.

SO much more important things in life to cater to and worry about instead of him.

[Beachead]

@BoogieWoogie

On 9/17/2020 at 10:32 AM, BoogieWoogie said:

Was I right to strike back in our final conversation or should I have handled it differently? I'm just unsure if I did the right thing or not.

One of the worst things to do to someone is know you're not feeling it anymore but continuing to waste the other person's time and energy by leading them on, unsuspectedly uncommitted...so breaking up with him was the RIGHT thing to do and your reasons were fine.    

Where you went wrong was when you later confessed to the actual reason as a means to hurt him,  albeit it being the truth.  Where he went wrong was his tasteless messages after the breakup which showed no respect for you or the boundaries that were important to establish.    There were some mutual mistakes on both ends.

Having said that, people make mistakes.  Don't beat yourself up too much about it.  Best thing to do to right the wrongs of yesterday, is to aim to be better than you were yesterday.  Growth happens over time and you'll make mistakes and get it wrong many times before you start to get it right, but so long as you make that genuine effort, that's all you can ask of yourself.  So for this, learn from it and strive to exercise more self-discipline for the future.    By coming on here and seeking some perspective, you've already demonstrated that you are to growth,  so excellent work.

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But how do I cope with this urge to reconcile?

You cope with it by reminding yourself of why you ended it with him in the first place.  Dreams can really mess our head up but it doesn't take away from the reality of that relationship.  Things weren't right, you were unhappy, and you ended things for a reason.   So what else reasons did you have for breaking it off?  Make a listen about him and your dissatisfaction in the relationship.  Negative reinforcement in these instances help.

- Beach

Edited September 24, 2020 by Beachead

[vla1120]

When I was younger, I did not like conflict and I did not like unresolved issues, so I would overthink situations and try to smooth things over when I had a disagreement with anyone. Accept that there will be times in your life when you might say things you later regret, or wish you had handled things differently. If you have a truly meaningful relationship with that person, you step up and apologize or have a discussion to smooth over the relationship. This is not one of those instances. In this case, you shouldn't lose any sleep over it. Besides, you're in a relationship already. Take all that energy you're wasting on this situation and focus on your current relationship.