We have different love languages and it's getting increasingly more difficult

[rebb4120]

Hi - me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 4 months now. I have a ton of trauma from my past relationships, the last one I was involved in for 3 years had mental/emotional abuse, and cheating. He never hit me but there were multiple times where he tried to physically overpower me and I thought he would physically abuse me. I tried to work through it, and I’m now with my new boyfriend and I try to act as normal as possible. I try to compliment him as much as I can, show him physical touch and speak words of reassurance. In his last relationship he was in for 2 and a half years he got cheated on, and he told me that he has a hard time opening up to someone and he still has a bunch of trauma from that relationship as well. I’ve been learning we have different love languages. I show my love by physical touch and words of affirmation, as his is really just spending time with one another. He isn’t super affectionate, and he never tells me I’m beautiful or sexy. I am always the first to say I love you, so I stopped saying it for a little bit to see what he would do and it’s like he didn’t even really notice because he didn’t start saying it when I didn’t. I love him and we’ve had this crazy soul connection from the moment we met. My question is, do I tell him what’s bothering me or just let it go in hopes that it’ll get better? And if this is happening after only 4 months, is there even hope that it’ll get better or is this just how he is? Sorry for the long post, if you’ve read to the end I appreciate you & look forward to hearing your feedback. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, rebb4120 said:

He isn’t super affectionate, and he never tells me I’m beautiful or sexy. I am always the first to say I love you, so I stopped saying it for a little bit to see what he would do and it’s like he didn’t even really notice because he didn’t start saying it when I didn’t.

Ok, at 16 weeks it's a good time to lay back and start observing incompatibilities. Keep in mind no one wants to reassure you constantly. You need to go into a relationship secure and solid. Don't drag the past into the present or expect one relationship to "heal" you from your past.

[ajequals]

As a man. in my opinion there is no way I would be in love with you in 4 months. more like a year. with the past drama maybe longer..I don't know how you could fall in love with him so fast. you don't even really know him. I guess you could bring it up but I feel your moving way too fast. I know it would be hard at this point but try just enjoying each other see if your both a perfect fit, that's what dating is for . let the relationship naturally blossom,  don't force it

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, rebb4120 said:

 My question is, do I tell him what’s bothering me or just let it go in hopes that it’ll get better? 

If you don't tell him, how is he supposed to know?  You being silent & then resenting him for not reading your mind will make everything worse.  Communication is the only thing that will cause improvement to happen.  

When you want something specific from a partner you have to tell them.  Say something along the lines of 

I realize your love language is spending time together & I enjoy spending time with you.  But my love language is physical touch.  Can you please hold my hand or put your arm around me more?  I would really like that.  

If you ask for a specific behavior & it is no skin off the other person's nose to give it to you, somebody who cares about you will give you what you asked for. 

I jokingly tease my husband that he is Mr. No-manse because he's so unromantic but I specified some things I need & now they are routine.  Kisses hello & good bye.  The "proper" way to address a greeting card (he used to just sign his name, nothing else).  What we both jokingly call "surprise kisses"  He doesn't need as much sleep as I do but at my request he comes to bed with me & watches TV while I drift off, then he goes back to his man cave 'til all hours & I'm none the wiser.  

That said, if you explain all this to him & he won't work with you to make you feel special, maybe this isn't the right relationship for either of you.  From what you described I think maybe you both jumped into this too fast without properly healing from all the trauma you individually suffered in your prior toxic relationships.  

[rebb4120]

2 hours ago, ajequals said:

As a man. in my opinion there is no way I would be in love with you in 4 months. more like a year. with the past drama maybe longer..I don't know how you could fall in love with him so fast. you don't even really know him. I guess you could bring it up but I feel your moving way too fast. I know it would be hard at this point but try just enjoying each other see if your both a perfect fit, that's what dating is for . let the relationship naturally blossom,  don't force it

He was the one who told me he loved me first, and he told me fairly early into it. I think that’s why I’m feeling so sensitive about everything too. 

[rebb4120]

50 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you don't tell him, how is he supposed to know?  You being silent & then resenting him for not reading your mind will make everything worse.  Communication is the only thing that will cause improvement to happen.  

When you want something specific from a partner you have to tell them.  Say something along the lines of 

I realize your love language is spending time together & I enjoy spending time with you.  But my love language is physical touch.  Can you please hold my hand or put your arm around me more?  I would really like that.  

If you ask for a specific behavior & it is no skin off the other person's nose to give it to you, somebody who cares about you will give you what you asked for. 

I jokingly tease my husband that he is Mr. No-manse because he's so unromantic but I specified some things I need & now they are routine.  Kisses hello & good bye.  The "proper" way to address a greeting card (he used to just sign his name, nothing else).  What we both jokingly call "surprise kisses"  He doesn't need as much sleep as I do but at my request he comes to bed with me & watches TV while I drift off, then he goes back to his man cave 'til all hours & I'm none the wiser.  

That said, if you explain all this to him & he won't work with you to make you feel special, maybe this isn't the right relationship for either of you.  From what you described I think maybe you both jumped into this too fast without properly healing from all the trauma you individually suffered in your prior toxic relationships.  

Thank you for your advice I really appreciate you responding! I’ll have to talk to him and bring it up in a way that doesn’t sound like I’m trying to complain or that I’m upset, what you suggested sounded perfect. And I understand how it can seem like we jumped too fast, but I was single for 11 months before I met him and he was single for 2 years. We’ve both been through a lot and I think it’s hard for us to let down our walls, it’s obviously more difficult for him than I. And he was the one who initially brought up dating and he’s even made multiple comments about our future, including living together and even getting married. But that was all within the first couple months of our relationship. 

Edited September 17, 2020 by rebb4120

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, rebb4120 said:

 he’s even made multiple comments about our future, including living together and even getting married. But that was all within the first couple months of our relationship. 

Ok, these are the type of red flags to lay back and observe. Telling you this 2 mos in is obviously insincere and manipulative, because people don't make these commitments to someone they know for 60 DAYS. Make sure what you see and what you hear is consistent. Do not try to "heal" each other. Slow down. Slow way down.

[rebb4120]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, these are the type of red flags to lay back and observe. Telling you this 2 mos in is obviously insincere and manipulative, because people don't make these commitments to someone they know for 60 DAYS. Make sure what you see and what you hear is consistent. Do not try to "heal" each other. Slow down. Slow way down.

You’re right. I think I get so wrapped up with falling “in love” that I don’t think rationally. Thank you for taking the time to respond and give your advice 

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, rebb4120 said:

He isn’t super affectionate, and he never tells me I’m beautiful or sexy.

Just out of curiosity, has he ever told you how beautiful and sexy you are to him?  Has he ever been affectionate?  

If he has, say in the "beginning" stages, but stopped, then he's not clueless, he knows what to do and say, he simply doesn't want to.  Sadly, he's become lazy and complacent. 

He put forth the effort in the beginning  to make you feel special and beautiful but something's changed, perhaps he takes you for granted which after only four months, is not where you want to be!  

If he never has, besides wondering what he did and said that caused you to fall so hard for him, it's possible you do have different love languages.  

In such case, why not read the love language book together?  You can discuss your different styles and languages with each other, without it sounding overly needy or complaining.

It will help you gain a better understanding of each other and bring greater emotional intimacy as well.

Suggest it to bim, gauge his response.  If he's open to the idea, fabulous.

If not, well, you might want to rethink this relationship.

These early stages (first six months) are when you should be evaluating each other, to determine if you are the right fit together long term.  

Unfortunately, despite this "soul mate" connection, it's quite possible you are not the right fit.  

But talk to him first, suggest reading the book together, see what he says.  

Fingers crossed it works out for you the way you hope!  

Edited September 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Fletch Lives]

 

What do you mean he's not affectionate? Do you mean he never initiates affection? Or does he pull away when you initiate affection?

Well, love languages are just different types of romance. Women often need romance in a relationship.

What you have here, is a man who is unromantic. And no, it won't get better - people don't change from a romantic standpoint.

He does not have a different love language - he has none.

 

[contel3]

13 hours ago, rebb4120 said:

Thank you for your advice I really appreciate you responding! I’ll have to talk to him and bring it up in a way that doesn’t sound like I’m trying to complain or that I’m upset, what you suggested sounded perfect. 

An easy way to do that is to just bring it up when it comes up! Like instead of having a serious talk, whenever you want him to hold your hand just ask "could you hold my hand babe?" And then add something cute or just grab his hand yourself 

You can also ask for hugs, kisses, sex, a massage....try to make it fun 😃 

[elaine567]

You have come from a place of abuse and turmoil and chaos and have now landed in a tranquil spot, but whilst it seemed, in comparison, to be heaven at the start, you now see it is cold place. 
People who have been abused are just so glad to be out of it, that they tend to end up in less than satisfactory arrangements.
This man is not emotionally available and whilst he is not threatening you, he is not meeting your needs either.
You, being broken and wounded reached out to another broken and wounded person, but that tends not to work.
Two broken people cannot help each other, they have a hard enough time fixing themselves without taking on the burden of another. 
What you need is someone who is intact and healthy, someone who is willing and able to mend you and bathe your wounds...