Should I financially support my girlfriend

[Chessy28]

So I've been seeing this girl for a year and change. Things are serious, we've had several marriage talks and based on her personality and how happy she made me, I can see a future with her. 

 

The problem is, she is very irresponsible with money. Very early in our relationship we had money talks and I made it clear that while I would help out with money occasionally and if my girl was in need, I would not be with someone who is fully dependent on me for money. 

 

She agreed and as we got serious she even got a job. This year was going to be our building of finances year, because I have certain big purchases to make and we planned to get married and move in next year. 

 

We both agreed that she would work and save for the whole of this year and quit her job and go to school next year. With our combined savings, we would get a place and I would support her as best I could while she studied. 

 

Lo and behold, she made certain poor financial decisions and investments, against my advice, and her year of savings are all gone. To make matters worse, she's decided to quit her job now and go back to school this year, with zero savings and completely against our agreement. 

 

I love her alot and I want to make this work, but every day I'm worried about finances and being sidetracked from my own goals, because I'll have to support her financially. Should I support her financially in pursuing her dream, even after she's gone back on our agreement? 

[Yosemite]

How old are each of you?

What purchases did she make?

Did she get a loan to go to school?

Why don't her parents help her pay for school?

[Chessy28]

25 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

How old are each of you?

What purchases did she make?

Did she get a loan to go to school?

Why don't her parents help her pay for school?

She's 21 and I'm 25. And she invested the money in various shaky, get rich quick schemes. She has a loan, she actually took a year off to work, but now she's cutting that break short and going back to school. She would need my support in terms of living expenses, not school per se. Her parents are not in a position really to help. 

[Ruby Slippers]

No way. If you marry her, your future will be hell and finances will be a disaster. Dave Ramsey has some great free videos on YouTube about this. Check them out.

[ShyViolet]

It would be a very, very bad idea to marry a person who is irresponsible with money and already making a lot of bad decisions like this.  Money problems are one of the top reasons for marriages not working out.  This will only get worse and you will grow to resent her more and more as time goes on.  Don't get yourself tied up in this situation.

[MsJayne]

No. When you've made an agreement with another person it doesn't change unless you've discussed it, and you don't make autonomous decisions. It's not about the money, it's that she demonstrated complete disregard for you and for the plans you made together. A partner who makes foolish financial choices can, literally, ruin your life.  If you prop up someone financially you'll never really know if they're there for the free ride or for love. When you've been happily married for a while and you want to start a family by all means be the breadwinner and support your partner, but until then don't ever give any partner the option of a free ride, because that's how you end up with the sort of woman who arrives with nothing and takes your house ten years down the track. Or the sort of person who lets you support them while they study, and then discards you when they don't need your support any more. 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Chessy28 said:

Should I support her financially in pursuing her dream, even after she's gone back on our agreement? 

Absolutely not.  You will resent her for her spendy irresponsible ways & she will accuse you of trying to control her.  Financial incompatibility is on par with cheating for how often it breaks up a relationship  Do not marry her until she finishes school.  You will be very sorry if you try to cage this irresponsible bird before she's mature enough to settle down.    

[Trail Blazer]

Huge red flags, dude.  HUGE!  Proceed with caution!

[jspice]

 No you shouldn’t. 
 

22 and 26 are crazy young ages to get married. 
She’s not good with money. She can work and go to school. You should not be paying for her school really. 
 

Don’t do it. 

Edited September 18, 2020 by jspice

[stillafool]

At 21 she should be busting her butt going to school and at least working a part time job.  You are not her parent so stop acting like it.  I wouldn't move in with her if I were you because I can guarantee you'll end up taking care of her.  She sounds lazy.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

I supported my ex while she lived with me so that she could finish her degree. She did one semester, totally bombed, and that was that. So, I basically supported her for nothing. I have a female friend who had her husband support her while she finished nursing school. She stuck with her guy long enough to graduate and get a job as a nurse, then she cheated and left him. Maybe it has gone better for other men, I don't know. 

And you still see nothing wrong with supporting a girlfriend, after these two users basically stole your money and the other guy's? Brings to mind the saying: "A fool and his money are soon parted."

[Ruby Slippers]

A girlfriend is not a wife. And a girlfriend who's clearly demonstrated she's financially irresponsible is a poor choice to marry. Unless she educates herself and changes her ways completely, she's a disaster of a marriage partner. This is the kind of woman who wrecks a guy's life and potentially ruins him for love. 

[Dork Vader]

7 hours ago, Chessy28 said:

She's 21 and I'm 25. And she invested the money in various shaky, get rich quick schemes. She has a loan, she actually took a year off to work, but now she's cutting that break short and going back to school. She would need my support in terms of living expenses, not school per se. Her parents are not in a position really to help. 

I think you need to consider there is more going on here then her just making poor financial decisions. She has clearly shown you, that she is going to do what she wants to do. I'm guessing she fell for an MLM/Pyramid scheme? It's fairly common, but that's besides the point. You both had agreed to certain financial goals and working together to achieve them. She completely abandoned that and disregard you entirely in it. So that she could do what she wanted to do.. Do you not see the problem here? Similarly she should have talked to you about wanting to go back to school before entirely quitting her job to do so.  If she comes at you with the "you should support" garbage, yeah to a certain extent. How ever you have to draw the line when someone is making poor choices. If I was married and my spouse wanted to become a drug dealer, I'm not going to be supportive of it.

Yes 21 is young and yes people make stupid financial decisions when they are young. But that is besides the point, as I mentioned above. I agree with others, you won't be able to share finances with her which could be extremely difficult when married. If you're on a home title together, she gets a wild hair to start her own business again.. She then proceeds to take out a second mortgage and then quits her job. The business venture fails and she can't get her old job back or one that pays similarly.. Now your home is in financial crisis because of the lost income.

When you date, you should definitely feel out what someone is like financially and figure out if they are on a similar level as you. It can be difficult to find out the truth, but typically their behavior will display it.

Edited September 18, 2020 by Dork Vader

[ajequals]

simple answer. no. you have listed a huge red flag. I have seen many women if my life put their bf's/husbands in debt with NO Remorse. ..I'd walk away

[Fletch Lives]

Women can cost a lot of money!

[snowcones]

If money means that much to you, then you're gonna have to dump this girl and date one that's closer to your age or older.

 

[Wiseman2]

It's a mistake to try to control anyone with money. It may be best to reflect on why you want to micromanage her this much .

It's not your call when she works when she enrolls in school or how she spends or wastes her money.

You are not her parent or account or financial advisor.

You seem to be trying to fix and force change her into what you need and what you want. That in itself is toxic.

No one is obliging you to give her money or support her. This whole thing is on you. You're just making her out to be the problem because she doesn't adhere to your financial plans for yourself or her.

Step way back. Stop micromanaging her. She's a 21 yo college kid. She's not ready to settle down with you.

[Alvi]

21 hours ago, Chessy28 said:

We both agreed that she would work and save for the whole of this year and quit her job and go to school next year. With our combined savings, we would get a place and I would support her as best I could while she studied. 

Did you both agree, or you said that this is what she needs to do and she just sat there and nodded I wonder.

Did she actually said herself, yes, this is what I am actually going to do. Or did she felt like you backed her into the corner and she had to choice but to agree with whatever life plans you made for her?

21 hours ago, Chessy28 said:

Lo and behold, she made certain poor financial decisions and investments, against my advice, and her year of savings are all gone. To make matters worse, she's decided to quit her job now and go back to school this year, with zero savings and completely against our agreement. 

 

Ultimately, this is her life and her money. She can do whatever she pleases with both. You can like or dislike her decisions, agree or disagree with her choices, but you do have to understand that she can freely do with her life as she pleases. She can quit a job and go back to school if that what she choses to do. It is within her right. Perhaps it sounds like a poor financial decisions and investments to you but not to her. She doesn't have do something she is not happy about just to please her partner.  How much say do you have in this? None, since you are not even married. When married, then some, but not before.

It sounds like you made some scrips of what her life needs to be like in order to fit her into your own life. It's like you are trying to mold and/or change her to whatever you want her to be in order to achieve your own goals and desires. It doesn't quite work that way often enough.  She may have different goals and desires. You spelt out what her goals need to be but did you listen and take any consideration of hers?

You cannot change someone, you don't get to dictate someone's life. She is who she is. You are who you are. If you don't see yourself compatible with her long term, then just end the relationship. But don't dictate her life or tell her how to invest her money. This comes as controlling, whether you meant it or not.

Oh, you don't have to support her financially at all. At least not at this point. It is up to you. But if kids come along, then you are more likely to be the main or the only breadwinner. 

Edited September 18, 2020 by Alvi

[Chessy28]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a mistake to try to control anyone with money. It may be best to reflect on why you want to micromanage her this much .

It's not your call when she works when she enrolls in school or how she spends or wastes her money.

You are not her parent or account or financial advisor.

You seem to be trying to fix and force change her into what you need and what you want. That in itself is toxic.

No one is obliging you to give her money or support her. This whole thing is on you. You're just making her out to be the problem because she doesn't adhere to your financial plans for yourself or her.

Step way back. Stop micromanaging her. She's a 21 yo college kid. She's not ready to settle down with you.

I beg to differ. While it is not ultimately up to me, it's very much my business what she does with her finances when we're planning for our future as a team and she was all for it at the beginning. Any couple making a decision to be together in the long haul, ought to be on the same page financially. I agree that now that she's done an about turn, I'll have to step back. 

Edited September 18, 2020 by Chessy28

[Chessy28]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

Did you both agree, or you said that this is what she needs to do and she just sat there and nodded I wonder.

Did she actually said herself, yes, this is what I am actually going to do. Or did she felt like you backed her into the corner and she had to choice but to agree with whatever life plans you made for her?

Ultimately, this is her life and her money. She can do whatever she pleases with both. You can like or dislike her decisions, agree or disagree with her choices, but you do have to understand that she can freely do with her life as she pleases. She can quit a job and go back to school if that what she choses to do. It is within her right. Perhaps it sounds like a poor financial decisions and investments to you but not to her. She doesn't have do something she is not happy about just to please her partner.  How much say do you have in this? None, since you are not even married. When married, then some, but not before.

It sounds like you made some scrips of what her life needs to be like in order to fit her into your own life. It's like you are trying to mold and/or change her to whatever you want her to be in order to achieve your own goals and desires. It doesn't quite work that way often enough.  She may have different goals and desires. You spelt out what her goals need to be but did you listen and take any consideration of hers?

You cannot change someone, you don't get to dictate someone's life. She is who she is. You are who you are. If you don't see yourself compatible with her long term, then just end the relationship. But don't dictate her life or tell her how to invest her money. This comes as controlling, whether you meant it or not.

Oh, you don't have to support her financially at all. At least not at this point. It is up to you. But if kids come along, then you are more likely to be the main or the only breadwinner. 

I don't think I agree with how you framed this. I haven't written any scripts for her. We came together, we initially had mutual goals when it comes to finances and while I did take the lead in strategizing how we should achieve these goals, I don't see myself as a controlling person. She comes and goes as she pleases, I don't check her phone or anything like that. We both lead separate, busy and independent lives, which complement each other. I want her to study, but in a way that won't wreck both our finances. And she was fully on board, at first. But I recognize I'll have to step back now. I've done all I can. 

[Chessy28]

1 minute ago, Chessy28 said:

I don't think I agree with how you framed this. I haven't written any scripts for her. We came together, we initially had mutual goals when it comes to finances and while I did take the lead in strategizing how we should achieve these goals, I don't see myself as a controlling person. She comes and goes as she pleases, I don't check her phone or anything like that. We both lead separate, busy and independent lives, which complement each other. I want her to study, but in a way that won't wreck both our finances. And she was fully on board, at first. But I recognize I'll have to step back now. I've done all I can. 

If wanting your partner to be financially independent and stand on her own two feet is controlling, idk what is. 

[mark clemson]

At the risk of essentially reiterating what other are saying, no.

If you marry, YOU ARE FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR HER. Her debts, for example, become 1/2 yours, etc.

At 22, in modern Western culture, she's not really marriage-ready. You're just at the start of the marriage-time zone. Sure there are folks who do it earlier, but waiting/dating is much more normal these days.

Her brain is not fully matured yet. And some people NEVER get good with money. You could consider doing the "perma-fiancee" thing for a while to see IF she matures.

Otherwise, there's a very significant risk that you will NOT get want you want out of the marriage (a financially responsible partner) and possibly that this will eventually bite you in the ass in some major, major ways.

[neowulf]

I have to agree with the other posters here man.

Money is a huge deal in relationships, no matter what people tell you.

It is vital you can depend on one another on this front.

She's had her chance to come through and demonstrate she can be responsible.  

She's let you both down.

Be very, very, careful about shacking up with someone who's terrible with money.  

It's a great way to wake up one day with a massive STD (Sexually Transmitted Debt)

[Caauug]

On 9/18/2020 at 3:57 AM, Chessy28 said:

Should I support her financially in pursuing her dream, even after she's gone back on our agreement? 

No!!! Marriage is also an agreement, will she go back on that also?

On 9/18/2020 at 3:57 AM, Chessy28 said:

Lo and behold, she made certain poor financial decisions and investments, against my advice, and her year of savings are all gone. To make matters worse, she's decided to quit her job now and go back to school this year, with zero savings and completely against our agreement. 

As stated before, she has every right to do this. And you have every right to make her live with those poor choices. 

You are not married, you are dating, this is the time to find out if this person is a suitable life partner.

She has reneged on an agreement,

She has spent her money foolishly,

She has gone against your advice.

What will she be like after marriage when you are responsible for 1/2 her debt? Will you have a joint bank account? If she can't save money when you are helping for her sole use for school, what will she be like saving for a car, holiday, home etc? What will she be like blowing your money while she can't work while having kids?

I think you should step back and let her live with her poor choices. Your relationship will likely not last but do you really want to be with someone that treats you like she has? She will have to learn sometime, too bad her parents didn't teach her. If you bail her out and support her she will learn that she can do as she wants and to rely on your money. This will in no way benefit you.