Exes That Won't Go Away

[Dog Lover 82]

My exes won't leave me alone. This has always been the case. They'll start texting/calling/e-mailing six months, one year, five years, 10 years later. I've shaken most of them off by ignoring them. However, my latest ex (who broke up with me in February 2017) just won't take a hint. During the first six months after our break up we texted several times a week. At that point I wasn't over the relationship so I was hoping it would turn into something. Since October 2017, however, I completely moved on but he will pop in at about every six months with a text, e-mail or Whatsapp message. They are always lame and I get the feeling he's just looking for an excuse to connect. I've tried answering with something short, I've tried ignoring, I've even straight up asked him what his end goal was (he said to "maintain a friendship," which is baloney because friends don't randomly text once every six months). He just sent me a weird "confidential" gmail message for my birthday and I'm actually just irritated.

First of all, I'm wondering others' opinions on the psychology behind what he's doing. Obviously, he's not the first person to do this to me so I'm wondering why people who break up with ME won't leave me alone. Is this common? Second, I'd like advice on how to handle this. I hate being mean to people. Should I just tell him to take a hike? I don't think he's the most stable person so I worry doing this could send him over the edge. Not that it's my responsibility, but I can't help but worry. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not common, so I would look first at the men you're choosing to let into your life in the first place. I don't mean that you deserve to be harassed, but if you find this is a pattern, it's worth reflecting on whether your man-picker needs a serious tune-up. 

Block him. 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

Second, I'd like advice on how to handle this.

Block him. On everything. That's all you have to do.

If he gets around that, you tell him clearly to leave you alone.

The psychology about it is that he thinks that you don't mind him popping up whenever because you act like you don't mind. You're too busy being nice instead of standing sentry to your boundaries.

If he goes over the edge, call the police.

Edited September 18, 2020 by kendahke

[stillafool]

It's so east to get rid of anyone these days all you have to do is block them.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I've even straight up asked him what his end goal was (he said to "maintain a friendship," which is baloney because friends don't randomly text once every six months). He just sent me a weird "confidential" gmail message for my birthday and I'm actually just irritated.

I disagree.  This is how often I contact people.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

 I've tried answering with something short, I've tried ignoring, I've even straight up asked

Have you tried deleting and blocking them and all their people from ALL your social media and ALL your messaging apps? Do you enjoy the attention and random chitchat?

Are you in a happy stable relationship? Why do you bother with exes? 

[Dog Lover 82]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you tried deleting and blocking them and all their people from ALL your social media and ALL your messaging apps? Do you enjoy the attention and random chitchat?

Are you in a happy stable relationship? Why do you bother with exes? 

What makes you think I "bother" with exes? I'm literally asking for advice on how to get the dude to leave me alone. I don't chitchat. I don't reply to him. I've never had him on social media although he made a fake account apparently and randomly pops into my Instagram. I'm literally just asking for advice about the best way to kindly get someone to leave you alone because I don't like being mean but apparently that doesn't work.

[Dog Lover 82]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I disagree.  This is how often I contact people.  

Fair enough if you have an established friendship with someone, but this scenario is that he broke up with me randomly three and a half years ago, "checks in" on me every six months and if I bother replying he ghosts me. He's never tried to make amends after the breakup or make an actual friendship (or even say anything of substance to me). I think you'd agree that's not a friendship.

[Dog Lover 82]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not common, so I would look first at the men you're choosing to let into your life in the first place. I don't mean that you deserve to be harassed, but if you find this is a pattern, it's worth reflecting on whether your man-picker needs a serious tune-up. 

Block him. 

I don't date anymore because I don't see the point, but yes, the men I have dated were not exemplary and it was because I used to have a self esteem problem. I was hoping I didn't have to block him. It just seems a bit immature. But it seems he leaves me no choice.

[Dog Lover 82]

34 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Block him. On everything. That's all you have to do.

If he gets around that, you tell him clearly to leave you alone.

The psychology about it is that he thinks that you don't mind him popping up whenever because you act like you don't mind. You're too busy being nice instead of standing sentry to your boundaries.

If he goes over the edge, call the police.

Makes sense. I had hoped it wouldn't come to blocking because it just seems like something a teenager would do. But I feel like I've done everything else to get the message across. 

[d0nnivain]

46 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I'm literally just asking for advice about the best way to kindly get someone to leave you alone because I don't like being mean but apparently that doesn't work.

It's cruel to be kind.  You engaging with an EX for more then a few days post break up is what causes this. 

You have all sorts of Exs -- plural -- back in your life.  I have never had that happen.  I have bumped into EXs & chatted pleasantly for a few moments at that time but moved on.  We don't keep in touch.  You need to alter your post break up behavior to go NC from the outset. 

It's not immature to block.  Blocking is simply a tool.  If someone is pestering you, use this tool to make it stop.  Yes, it is immature to block somebody after every fight then unblock them & try again but if you are well & truly done, closing the door to your life on them & locking it behind you is quite mature.  

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

I was hoping I didn't have to block him. It just seems a bit immature. But it seems he leaves me no choice.

No, not when the person in question will not leave you alone. 

And who cares if this joker thinks you're immature? He's not exactly someone whose opinion of you should matter at this point. 

 

[Dog Lover 82]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's cruel to be kind.  You engaging with an EX for more then a few days post break up is what causes this. 

You have all sorts of Exs -- plural -- back in your life.  I have never had that happen.  I have bumped into EXs & chatted pleasantly for a few moments at that time but moved on.  We don't keep in touch.  You need to alter your post break up behavior to go NC from the outset. 

It's not immature to block.  Blocking is simply a tool.  If someone is pestering you, use this tool to make it stop.  Yes, it is immature to block somebody after every fight then unblock them & try again but if you are well & truly done, closing the door to your life on them & locking it behind you is quite mature.  

Besides this particular ex, who I initially had a hard time cutting the cord with, I have done NC with every other ex and they would randomly pop in too. But I was so "nice" during the relationships, I'm guessing they thought they could continue walking all over me after the breakup too. I'm just over here minding my business and then some (now married) guy I dated 10 years ago will text me out of the blue and try to rehash the past. It's weird. In most cases, I just shrug it off, but I feel like my most current ex is doing it to make sure I'm not moving on or that I'm still available for him at some point.

I've never tried blocking someone before. It makes sense what you're saying though.

Edited September 18, 2020 by Tina Marie 82

[d0nnivain]

I think you may have been doing LC not NC.  If you were NC that means you severed all connections -- took their # out of your phone, disconnected on social media etc.  If you had done those things you wouldn't have recognized them when they called out of the blue.  You would have ignored them as you would any other random #.  

[Dog Lover 82]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, not when the person in question will not leave you alone. 

And who cares if this joker thinks you're immature? He's not exactly someone whose opinion of you should matter at this point. 

 

I think a lot of it is that I don't want to hurt his feelings, which is absolutely ridiculous. He dumped me, told me my voice was annoying and I should see a vocal coach, told me I had no life, etc. He's not the nicest person, so I'm not sure why I'm invested in not hurting his feelings. I'm just like that. Ugh.

[Dog Lover 82]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I think you may have been doing LC not NC.  If you were NC that means you severed all connections -- took their # out of your phone, disconnected on social media etc.  If you had done those things you wouldn't have recognized them when they called out of the blue.  You would have ignored them as you would any other random #.  

Yes, I did do all of those things with all the previous exes.   They went to great lengths to sneak in though. One commented on the ONE public Facebook post I had even though I'd unfriended him years before. Another texted me 10 years later, and even though I didn't recognize the number it was obvious who sent it because of the content. One used to use a Magic Jack to call me from different numbers that I wouldn't recognize. I know, this is all weird. I never replied to these guys though, so that's still NC. I'm not sure all this explanation matters except that I know how to do no contact. LOL

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

 During the first six months after our break up we texted several times a week. At that point I wasn't over the relationship so I was hoping it would turn into something.

You fed the beast. Now it has grown large and you must slay it.

For the others, people randomly touch once in a while - nostalgia, etc. If you're not comfortable just ignore them.

[ajequals]

There is a power women have I have recently found that men do not have and that is the power to turn us off like a switch which in turn makes men turn into a simp in a attempt to get you back which is exactly the type of men women do not want. We should have a class on this. If all men understood this the playing field would be quite different

[Dog Lover 82]

26 minutes ago, ajequals said:

There is a power women have I have recently found that men do not have and that is the power to turn us off like a switch which in turn makes men turn into a simp in a attempt to get you back which is exactly the type of men women do not want. We should have a class on this. If all men understood this the playing field would be quite different

Yes, this is a thing. I cannot speak for all women, but for me I turn it off like a switch after they've done so many bad things to me that I don't want it anymore. And then apparently that's when they want me the most. 

[kismetkismet]

I've had this with most of my exes too and the only way to stop it is to flat out ignore them. They will take ANY response as an indication that you want to continue contact with them. Even a mean response can send the message that you're still emotionally invested in some way, so a kind message (however bland) will definitely encourage them. Some people just like to touch base with their exes now and then I think. I don't feel the same way, so I've learned to just ignore it. 

[mark clemson]

I've had one positive experience, where I contacted a college GF after a VERY long time. We exchanged a few letters to catch up and that was it (she specifically requested hand written letters for some reason).

No big whup. I had little interest beyond curiosity about about how her life turned out etc and bit of nostalgia for old times. She seemed to have the same. We had both changed VERY much - the people we were back then don't exist anymore, so it was mostly satisfying that curiosity in our case.

[Dog Lover 82]

2 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

I've had this with most of my exes too and the only way to stop it is to flat out ignore them. They will take ANY response as an indication that you want to continue contact with them. Even a mean response can send the message that you're still emotionally invested in some way, so a kind message (however bland) will definitely encourage them. Some people just like to touch base with their exes now and then I think. I don't feel the same way, so I've learned to just ignore it. 

I would tend to agree but this latest ex doesn't seem to mind being ignored.  Last December, he sent me three e-mails, three Whatsapp messages and some texts all in the same day. I replied to nothing. He messaged me again a few months later. I think in this case I'm going to have to block him. I also found out recently that he set up a private "fake" Instagram profile to stalk my feed with. He doesn't actually "follow" me. He just repeatedly goes to my profile to see what I'm doing apparently. I find it so strange. I would be embarrassed if I reached out to someone like that and they ignored me. But he's apparently...not. 

[robaday]

haha totally agree with the poster about difference between men and women on this. I have two ex girlfriends I am good friends with, they value me and I value them, the breakups happened a long time ago and they have partners and I am happy for them. But yeah I've known a few women who will not under any circumstances be friends and that's totally ok too I respect that. 

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, Tina Marie 82 said:

One used to use a Magic Jack to call me from different numbers that I wouldn't recognize. I know, this is all weird. I never replied to these guys though, so that's still NC. I'm not sure all this explanation matters except that I know how to do no contact. LOL

Why would you answer calls from random numbers you don't know?  Most people ignore those calls anyway because they are telemarketers.

[Datingdisabled]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why would you answer calls from random numbers you don't know?  Most people ignore those calls anyway because they are telemarketers.

I have to answer calls as I have ads out hiring. I had an ex once who accused me of being autism and lacking the ability to be embarrassed by his lack of response. He wasn't responding directly, he was responding indirectly so the emails continued. I'd have to hear the other side of the story, she doesn't seem like a pleasent op!