Attachment Styles!

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, first thread!  

This is a spin-off of what Watercolors posted on a different thread, perhaps she might post here, it was quite informative and insightful!

In that thread I admitted I may be an "anxious-avoidant."  Below is what I just read on the internet, wow.

>>Anxious-Avoidant: Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them.<<

Hard to admit, but this is me pretty much, except I don't lash out in an angry or cruel way, my tendency is to run.

For example, my boyfriend wants to marry me, and my first instinct was to run away from him!  

There has always been a certain distance in our relationship, he travels a lot for work for one thing.

And me being an introvert, he always respected my need for space.  

But now he's pushing, my ex (six years together) did same.  

I would say my current bf is "secure attachment" and my ex was "avoidant" and only wanted to marry me because I was also avoiding and I suppose he considered me a challenge!  

After I agreed to marry him and we got engaged, things changed, long story for another thread!  But I ended up breaking up with him.

Anyway, in reading some of these threads, for example the guy who lashed out at his girlfriend because she playfully teased him about making dinner for his son.

He called her pathetic and stupid, even though he claimed he was very into her!

I now wonder if he has an unconscious fear of getting close, and is an anxious-avoidant, so he lashed out like what's written above?  

Do y'all know what your style is?  I think it would make for an interesting discussion!  

[Mrin]

Attachment style theory is interesting. It is a little pop psychology-ish but still fun nevertheless. I have a secure attachment style. I've been in relationships with or dated women all four types though. Anxious avoidant is the hardest and honestly, I won't go there again.

Edit: all that being said, I have acted dismissive avoidant at select times in the past.

Edited September 18, 2020 by Mrin

[mark clemson]

I believe I have mild insecure attachment. So, for example, I enjoy "validation" from women, e.g. via flirting etc.

I do think avoidant types are the ones content in, e.g. LDRs or Living Apart Together type relationships. I think if they are both mildly avoidant that can be satisfying for them.

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Anxious avoidant is the hardest and honestly, I won't go there again.

Edit: all that being said, I have acted dismissive avoidant at select times in the past.

Thanks Mrin, I'm not offended! 😂  

I've been told since I first started dating that I'm hard to read and figure out. 

Thanks for your edit, I think many of us can switch styles depending on who we're dating.  

I am predominantly anxious-avoidant though. 

Edited September 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks Mrin, I'm not offended! 😂  

I've been told since I first started dating that I'm hard to read and figure out. 

Thanks for your edit, I think many of us can switch styles depending on who we're dating.  

I am predominantly anxious-avoidant though. 

No worries. Ya, after I posted that I kind of winced when I reread your post and saw you were anxious avoidant. I was like, "that wasn't a nice thing to say". LOL. But ya, for a guy like me an anxious avoidant is a little like trying to grasp smoke. What made it really hard with that anxious avoidant was that I truly cared about her beyond deeply. So I felt a little like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football that Lucy would yank away at the last second every time. There are always two sides to every story though - and I know it wasn't her being malicious or even doing it intentionally. But my point is, I cared about her so much that I'd do it over and over. Hell, I'd probably still try to kick that damn football even today. Ha!

You're right about switching styles depending on your relationship partner. That's a good point.

Your post got me thinking - the woman I'm casually dating now shows a lot of secure attachment signs. And she's an ENTJ (just like me). It is still really early days but it certainly is refreshing. But it might also just be me projecting and seeing what I want to see. I'm really good at that. Doh! 

I'd love it if people would list their attachment style and MBTI type on their dating profile. That would make things so much easier.  Ha!

Best of luck with your current dilemma. Have you thought about doing any personal development work around your attachment style? I don't know if that's something that just is or can be changed. 

Mrin

[poppyfields]

Hey again Mrin, thanks and yeah I'm heading back to therapist, it's getting a bit ridiculous really 🤣 to myself! 

All was well for close to three years, with minor bumps (and a few major bumps) because of me.

Now suddenly since talking marriage, my fears and anxieties are through the roof!

I need to resolve this!  100% MY issue. 

Edited September 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey again Mrin, thanks and yeah I'm heading back to therapist, it's getting a bit ridiculous really 🤣 to myself! 

All was well for close to three years, with minor bumps (and a few major bumps) because of me.

Now suddenly since talking marriage, my fears and anxieties are through the roof!

I need to resolve this!  100% MY issue. 

Cool. I'm glad you're working on this. Just tossing this out there, my ex was a brain health coach and hypnotherapist. I got to witness first hand the power of hypnotherapy (she could put in my a hypnotic state just by counting - we actually had to put a "block" in place to keep me for slipping off into la-la land unintentionally). Consider talking to your therapist about hypnotherapy if you're open to that. Or perhaps researching it a bit on your own. I don't know much about how hypnotherapy and attachment styles go together but from a cursory reading it seems like attachment styles are often formed by your childhood - something that hypnotherapists work on a lot. So that might be an avenue to explore. Disclaimer: I am a "there must be a pill for that" sort of guy so have a predilection for  things like hypnotherapy vs. 5 years of individual counseling. Ha!

 

 

[poppyfields]

Hypnotism doesn't work on me, I've tried!  

My thought is that I'm blocked because I don't fully trust in the process or even the hypnotist!

Or something else but I've tried a couple of times, nothing happening.  

Weird I know.   I wish it did though, I'd love to experience it.

Edited September 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

Bummer! Perhaps a shot or two of bourbon before might help <---- why Mrin isn't a doctor or a licensed therapist.  Ha!