Lost and need guidance.

[KitsuneAce]

7 years into the relationship was great.

He is 2 years older than me, so he graduated first and got a job before me.

But when I graduated I was excited to get a job, but he was against it,

he did not want me to get a job,

he said that it will make us fall out of love! the different time schedules to which I said I can match your schedule since we will be both working a corporate job.

To which he said that he just wants me to be home when he gets home I ended up agreeing.

From the beginning of our relationship, I have wanted a family. I told him we should talk about it before things progress to which he said we will talk about it when that time comes. at some point I found my self becoming indifferent about kids.

I am asexual (we don't feel sexual attraction) I am in the spectrum of I enjoy sex but is not capable of sexually initiating.

So he introduces me to some drugs for inhibition, sex was great. We moved to a new city and it was great, but he quit his job a year into it so we had to move back to the home town, it was horrible our living space was almost squatter like. I realize that it's such a sad place to be in.

Then he got another job so we move into an apartment.

This sucks because we had talked about getting a house and we even look up houses but 3 days after looking up houses he messages me telling me he just sign a lease to an apartment I voiced it out to him and he told me that he is the one working. So I did not press anymore.

I fell into a deep depression but I was fighting it every day! I told him I am depressed to which he replied that I am at home all day I am not doing anything how can I be depressed!!!?.

I barely want to do anything, but I tried when I do I cook and clean, and when he gets home he demands that my time is only dedicated to him.

He always makes me feel bad if I do something else, "This is the only free time I get, you should spend it with me" why can't you do that when I'm not home?" "I tried to understand this he has a point"

We had a falling out he ask me to pack up so he can drive me home to my mom, while he figures out if he wants to remain marrier or be single. since I loved him deeply I retaliate it was so hard to be in the end where you are waiting. it was one hell of a ride that moment. it lasted for a month but we were trying to hold on to each other,

Then he told me he confess to our friend's girlfriend who is underage while we are trying to work things out. Then he wrote me a letter telling me how much he loves me and I am his soul mate and so on and so forth "I tried to see it in his pint of view " I am indeed in a depressive state and need to be better". I fell for it. I forgave him then as he is about to move to a new city he told me to wait for him again till he figures out if he wants to be married or be single we kept our communication through out that month .

Then told me he wants me back, so I followed him there. 1 whole year pass it was alright, was not able to fully heal from what he did because he would tell me it's only emotional cheating some people do the worst things.

I was never able to fully feel that he owned up to what he did". "See what he complains about is SEX which doesn't make any sense because I am fine with sex it is the fact that I can't sexually initiate is what is missing in his life, not the sex", and in a Sense can understand that, that is why I research how can a sexual person have a successful marriage with an asexual.

I suggested for me to act it out, role-play everything I can think off, he shoots it down saying that's not genuine enough, and that he doesn't want to force me.

Anyways the beginning of this year after my dad died he did the same thing again, as my mom and brother are visiting he suggested that I ride back with my mom and brother so he can think if he wants to be single or married.

At this point, I was just done with this roller coaster s*** show I did talk to him but I did agree.

Then the day be4 we leave he cried in front of my mom saying he can't lose me he will die, and so forth" again I was heartbroken that this man I meet is this broken".

So I ended up staying, one week upon staying he asked me for a divorce because he wants to marry one of my nieces.

I agree with the divorce.

He actually had the audacity to asked me to give good words for him if the said niece agrees to get with him.

To which I reply NO.

Ohh all hell breaks loose, he called me selfish for not wanting a better life for my niece, he called me prideful because I refuse to help him out with my niece who just turns 18 y/o. He is currently 35. As we divorce (this is that thing where I don't understand WTF he was thinking), he also promises me to drive me back home.

I really did not want him to but he said it's for "his closure" upon arriving at my mom's he cried and so my mom even knowing everything told me to help him fight his demon.

To which I agree. we have a little talk both agree to try to work things out AGAIN.

He bought a plane ticket to get home the same day of dropping me off my mom's.

The same night he called my friend who I happen to be talking to telling her the update of what happened. As he messages her "she said OMG he is messaging in an almost annoyed voice" she sent me all the screenshot of their conversation.

It was bad, he made me look and sound like a useless leach. NO sex doesn't cook, doesn't clean, no job, which are all false except for the job part. I have pictures of all the food I cook and clean because I'm proud of it "THEN HE TOLD HER, I CAN FEEL IT I WANT YOU".

So I ended it with him I told him not to talk to me. But he messages my friend in the middle of the night telling him everything. and my friend in turn messaging me begging me to talk to him because he sounds like he was thinking of kill himself.

He has used that quite a lot he has told me that if he lost me that his life would feel meaningless. So In the end I ended up talking to him he asks for another change told me he took me for granted all these pretty words I said sure,

I should have known as 2 1/2 months of rekindling our connection a far from each other he started saying things that made me feel like I had to visit him how lonely he is how sad he is and so on.

So I ask do you want me to visit he excitedly say yes. That day came I flew to get to his place. Stayed for 2 weeks it was meh we stayed home the whole time except when we are picking up some food we watch movies and sleep that was it, I asked him to go somewhere but he never has the energy for it...

2 days before i am about to go back to my mom's place "HERE WE GO AGAIN" he doesn't know if he wants to be single or married.

At this point, all the beaten up bridge have snapped into 4 pieces "I knew I was done" I knew I can't take any more of this torture, I can't give him another chance because I have to look my way at some point and notice my suffering instead of just focusing on his struggle" I have to Take Care of my self, I have tried to understand his mistake so many time. I have tried to sympathize "thinking that maybe my asexuality drove him this mad"

But NO not anymore I realize I did try to research how a sexual person and an asexual person can have a healthy relationship especially since I am not one of the extremes I am capable of enjoying sex for the with the right person "some asexual are repulsed by sex.

He never once tried to look up what asexual is he never showed me that he wanted to know me at the deepest level.

He and I have so much in common our compatibility is insane but the hell I went through with him these past 3 years is hell and would not think of going back.
He keeps wanting to chase after 18 y/o girl to which I say it's predatory for a 35 y/o man to want to be with an 18 y/o because she could your daughter. and His response is I am just jealous and insecure.

He complain that I don't have a job, which is crazy because he did not want me to get a job. I told him I am not a house wife material. But he didn't listen.

[emprosnet7]

What can anyone say? 

How about you, your ex and your niece stay all together? Being asexual you will cover your emotional needs and your niece will cover his sexual needs.

[schlumpy]

To love someone that deeply and then endure nothing but chaos must be disappointing, but you must admit that your marriage of mayhem happened because you allowed it to. If one time in those three years you had taken control and refused to participate things would have been decided one way or another. You could have stepped back onto a plane of sanity.

You are right that he put you in a position (no job) where he had power over you. You still could have insisted on getting a job. What was stopping you? A cultural taboo? An idealistic view of the roles of men and women in marriage? Blind trust?

Your husband sees you like he sees his desk. He uses the desk for work, maybe video games, maybe for leisure activity. That desk stays right there. When he returns home, it hasn't moved.

I suggest you start moving.

Start the divorce and go no contact. Move you life in the direction you want to travel. Forget about him or your soon-to-be-sorry niece.

You are never going to do anything but be in the center of a maelstrom married to this man - common interests or not.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, KitsuneAce said:

I was excited to get a job, but he was against it,

Never get involved with controlling people. 

[KitsuneAce]

4 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

What can anyone say? 

How about you, your ex and your niece stay all together? Being asexual you will cover your emotional needs and your niece will cover his sexual needs.

I don't think I can't do it. >~<

[KitsuneAce]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

To love someone that deeply and then endure nothing but chaos must be disappointing, but you must admit that your marriage of mayhem happened because you allowed it to. If one time in those three years you had taken control and refused to participate things would have been decided one way or another. You could have stepped back onto a plane of sanity.

You are right that he put you in a position (no job) where he had power over you. You still could have insisted on getting a job. What was stopping you? A cultural taboo? An idealistic view of the roles of men and women in marriage? Blind trust?

Your husband sees you like he sees his desk. He uses the desk for work, maybe video games, maybe for leisure activity. That desk stays right there. When he returns home, it hasn't moved.

I suggest you start moving.

Start the divorce and go no contact. Move you life in the direction you want to travel. Forget about him or your soon-to-be-sorry niece.

You are never going to do anything but be in the center of a maelstrom married to this man - common interests or not.

You are right, every time I try to end it he cries and say he is having a panic attack, he says that he can't live with out me. I felt really bad and i felt really like a cold bitch if I just walked away while he was like that. 

and yes this is my first whole week being separated. 

[KitsuneAce]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Never get involved with controlling people. 

Yea, he said that if I love him I will understand that he is doing it for us, for the success of out marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, KitsuneAce said:

Yea, he said that if I love him I will understand that he is doing it for us, for the success of out marriage. 

 Is this an arranged marriage. Will you get killed if you try to divorce? Are you in country/culture where divorce is not allow? Why haven't you contacted an attorney?. Also if you are depressed don't tell him, talk to your doctor.

You describe an abusive relationship, so you need to stay with family and get divorced.Read up on abusive relationships.

See if you can get help/counseling for that and definitely address your mental health with a doctor. Stop taking drugs or alcohol to have sex.

If you can't support yourself go to social services for help with healthcare, career training, food, housing, etc..

[gamon]

Divorce your 35 year old husband so he can get with your 18 year old niece. He'll get over you much faster than either of you realize.

[emprosnet7]

1 hour ago, KitsuneAce said:

I don't think I can't do it. >~<

I think ypu mean "I don't think I can do it'. 

When he calls you again,  suggest it to him and get his reaction.  Maybe it will tell you something about his intentions. 

 

[vla1120]

You definitely need to go no contact and see a lawyer. He's not going to change. He's controlling, manipulative, he cheats, he gaslights you. He seems to be the worst of everything. You graduated. You can support yourself. Never allow anyone to marginalize you like that (tell you he doesn't want you to work, he wants you home taking care of him.) It is a means to control you. It seems as though it may be cultural. I hope you have the support of your family. Don't fall prey to his controlling behavior (and his threats of suicide, not being able to live without you, etc., are all part of the controlling behavior.)

[d0nnivain]

You need to RUN away from this man immediately.  He's screwed up in the head.  He's got pedophile domineering tendencies & zero empathy.  He's deranged. 

Warn your niece away from him & tell your sibling, her parents, so he doesn't have a change. 

Bone up on whatever skills you need to go back to work with your degree.  Earn some money & have a life. 

He does not love you.  He probably never did.  He wants to control & destroy you.  Get some therapy to undo all the mental damage he has done to you.