Further thoughts on my friend who's a terrible planner

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Granted, not everyone has my expectations but if she is even half as unreliable with her other friends as she is with me, she is bound to lose some friends and someone is bound to call her out on her behavior at some point unless all her friends are just like her when it comes to that which I honestly have a hard time believing. 

This is the point but more than likely she is not unreliable with her true friends that she wants to spend time with.  I agree you should stop chasing her.

[TheEternalPessimist]

35 minutes ago, stillafool said:

The Hint is she no longer cares about or wants the friendship and is showing you this by her actions.  Why do you still care?  She could care less and has moved on.

Yet is asking me to let her know when I'll be in her country, asking me to record a video of me in my new apartment and send her a video, asking me to hang out when she came to my city etc. At this point, she should cut the chase and say it to my face if she no longer cares or wants the friendship.

[stillafool]

30 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Yet is asking me to let her know when I'll be in her country, asking me to record a video of me in my new apartment and send her a video, asking me to hang out when she came to my city etc. At this point, she should cut the chase and say it to my face if she no longer cares or wants the friendship.

Or maybe you can just cut your losses and let her go this time once and for all.

[TheEternalPessimist]

I have no reason to let her go just yet but I plan to take a step back and see what happens. Take a step back as in not contact her at all for a few weeks or a few months an see if she makes the first step. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, TheEternalPessimist said:

I have no reason to let her go just yet but I plan to take a step back and see what happens. Take a step back as in not contact her at all for a few weeks or a few months an see if she makes the first step. 

You are not using enough emojis to express yourself to her about the flakiness. For example: 🤔🤯🤷‍♂️

[basil67]

6 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I have no reason to let her go just yet but I plan to take a step back and see what happens. Take a step back as in not contact her at all for a few weeks or a few months an see if she makes the first step. 

Your anger and frustration is as good a reason as any to let her go.

[TheEternalPessimist]

I am assessing my options, she hasn't pissed me off enough yet to let go and we've been through a lot together so it wouldn't feel right to just cut ties like that out of nowhere...yet. 

[elaine567]

She is young, she will be knee deep in friends and classmates and acquaintances.
She doesn't really need you, so she keeps in touch when she feels like it and when it suits her and when she can use you....

[jspice]

I don’t understand this at all. 
Do you have feelings that go beyond friendship? It doesn’t make sense to me why you are clinging to this. 
 

I have friends who don’t like to plan, who are late, etc etc and I manage those relationships accordingly. 
They see me when they see me and I no longer make plans with them. Or I’ll end the friendship. 
 

Those are the choices. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

She isn't exactly knee deep in friends and classmates and acquaintances and even if she was, I would have no issues with it. That wouldn't make her any less capable of being a little less flaky and more considerate.

 

Nah, I don't have any feelings for her. We've been there for each other and there isn't even a valid reason for this friendship to end. But her behavior is making me want to distance myself for the time being and see how things evolve. 

[Wiseman2]

Yes, distance yourself. You are taking it too seriously.

[Acacia98]

On 9/19/2020 at 12:13 PM, TheEternalPessimist said:

For example, her waiting a full 3 days to give me a response when she previously asked me to tell her when I would be there is unacceptable to me. The fact that she pushed the hang out at the last minute does feel a little bit like she couldn't be bothered but still wanted it to be done so I wouldn't make a big deal out of it potentially. 

(...)

 And then there's also this bachelor work she told me she would like to have proofread, I offered my help, she told me she would send it to me the following weekend. It's been almost a month and I haven't heard back from her. 

Your best bet is to accept that flakey people are... well... flakey, and to plan your interactions with them accordingly. For instance, if you want to meet in the near future, you may mention that, because you have something coming up soon (a journey, an exam, or whatever) and don't have too much free time, you have to finalize any plan to meet by a certain date. That way, if you don't hear from your friend by that date, you can assume the meeting is not going to happen.

You don't have to leave things open-ended just because the other person hasn't given you a response. Set limits for yourself and live by them. If you think it's reasonable to expect your friend to get back to you about something within, say, one week, don't sit there waiting for one month or two for a response. Being passive in that way will only cause you frustration and anger. Reach out for an answer. If you get silence or a non-committal response, go ahead and make alternative arrangements. After you've done that a few times, they'll get the message. They'll learn that, if they need your help with something, they have to be considerate about your time. Or maybe they'll continue being flakey. But at least it won't cause you much inconvenience.

[TheEternalPessimist]

Thanks for your comment, my goal right now is to distance myself and see if she reacts and shows that she cares about me, starts missing our interactions basically. In the past, I tried to make it very clear to her that I had a desire to finalize plans in advance and it didn't work because she would still take a while to answer me back so it was pointless to send an audio message saying things like "please let me know as soon as possible when you are free" when she would still take several days to listen to it and reply. That's basically what happened this time around. I sent her an audio message on WhatsApp (we usually communicate by sending each other audio messages on that app) 5 days before arriving, I arrived and was already in her country for 4 days when I got her reply via audio literally 23 hours before I was scheduled to leave. 

In a way, I would love for her to contact me about hanging out next time I go visit and for me to already have plans for once, maybe then she would understand a thing or two if this happened several times but I doubt. Overall, I hate playing games and having to test friendships like this but she's leaving me no choice. 

Edited September 23, 2020 by TheEternalPessimist

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Overall, I hate playing games and having to test friendships like this but she's leaving me no choice. 

You don't have to play games and test the friendship. You're making the choice to. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

The other choice is to cut ties altogether which I do not want to do because it would be a rushed and harsh decision.