Boyfriend on call - Would you stay up

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

I just want to be a good girlfriend to him. He's already injured himself.

Ok, all you need to do is be more comfortable staying there and with his erratic call schedule. Does he have a high risk occupation?

[Lotsgoingon]

3 hours ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

Nothings off. I just want to be a good girlfriend to him

He's already injured himself.

Ok, you can shill. This is NOT the definition of a good girlfriend. You are not being asked to get up and go help him. You're worried about him. Well, if you wanna be with him, you have to make some kind of peace with his job. I worry that you worrying about LOOKING like a good gf. Trust me the definition the of a good romantic partner is not someone who loses sleep without cause. That's a partner who's going to get burnt out and feel used at some point. 

Can you talk to him about your fears. As said earlier, this sounds like anxiety. Life is hard. You don't go out of your way to make it harder for no reason. Parents with teenagers out late want to sleep. They just sometimes cannot sleep out of worry. They want to hear the teenager reenter the house. They're not staying up to be "good parents." They're staying up because they can't help it.

 

 

[lana-banana]

We both used to do shift work and let me tell you the answer is NO. Sleep, sleep, sleep. The only thing you want when you get home is to see your partner sleeping comfortably in bed and to cuddle up with them for a little bit before drifting off yourself. If you want to be helpful, make a healthy breakfast or lunch he can grab on his way out the door, maybe with a little love note, or treat yourselves to a bath with Epsom salts on a day off. But nothing, not even sex, is better than getting some sleep after a long shift.

[Watercolors]

5 hours ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

Nothings off. I just want to be a good girlfriend to him

He's already injured himself.

The issue here isn't your boyfriend's erratic shift schedule. It's your codependent behavior and anxiety when you're alone in your apartment. That has nothing to do with your boyfriend and has everything to do with you. Have you seen a therapist for your anxiety problems before? 

Since you don't even have to worry about paying rent, you really have it good. Can you afford to contribute to the bills at least? Are you going to go back to work full-time and will you then contribute half the rent once you do? Otherwise, you're getting a free ride financially, and now you're acting insecure and clingy to the point where you expect your boyfriend to babysit you when he's at work? I'm sorry, but I think either you must be in your late teens, or early 20s and are not used to being independent financially or living independently. 

I really think you should consider going to therapy for your anxiety. Otherwise, you will suffocate your boyfriend with your clingy behavior and that will drive him away. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, I'm wondering how long you've been living with your bf? If just a short time, I'd bet you'll get comfortable and this will work itself out. I checked my earlier post to you and it seemed a little abrupt. It seems to me this is something you're processing and are going to get used to given some time. Have you thought of putting on some relaxing music to listen to or reading a devotional from an uplifting book? Or even reading scripture? That's something that has helped me feel secure in my own life.

Maybe don't watch anything scarey or nerve-wracking on tv or movies before going to bed, too. 

I also think this is an issue other people may deal with when first entering adulthood and living away from home. 

You're going to be OK, given some time and support, I believe. 

[Kirsty-Nicole]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, all you need to do is be more comfortable staying there and with his erratic call schedule. Does he have a high risk occupation?

I'll answer everyone later. 

I'm up for work, (I'm still working) and having to go in to do a stock check on my events merchandise. 

As for my boyfriends occupation. he works in IT which sounds dull, One moment he can be fixing a till in a supermarket, to being in a government computer centre under armed guard

[Kirsty-Nicole]

My boyfriend sat down with me and had a chat with me about the on call. He said he understands how I feel and his work does too.

- Theyre arranging for me to go on a call out and go in as staff so I can see what it is all about, it'll be a retailer or similar. So I can see it is safe and its not dangerous
- I am his next of kin at work. He has had me on that list for at least 2 months.
- He knows I've not been sleeping. He said he wants me to sleep because it'll make me unwell and that's the last thing I want
- He wants me to call him if I wake up and I'm wondering where he is, 
- He has ordered a ring doorbell and a CCTV system. Told me I'm the most precious thing in the house and he wants me to feel safe. 
- He's only on call at night for a week every so often. 

He actually said "I know you've been anxious. I knows you've been up waiting for me" I asked how he knew. He just said all the washing is done. He needs me to sleep 

He asked if I am scared of the dark because he would get a lamp on the landing if I wanted. and it doesn't matter to him if I am

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

- He has ordered a ring doorbell and a CCTV system. He asked if I am scared of the dark because he would get a lamp on the landing if I wanted. 

Excellent. He seems to be addressing the issue of you being alone in someone's home for the first time and being anxious about it. It will take time to adjust. How close do your parents live?

[Snow_Queen]

24 minutes ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

My boyfriend sat down with me and had a chat with me about the on call. He said he understands how I feel and his work does too.

- Theyre arranging for me to go on a call out and go in as staff so I can see what it is all about, it'll be a retailer or similar. So I can see it is safe and its not dangerous
 

As a business professional, this seems like a huge liability. Or, are you working with him now? Either way, I don’t feel this is going to ease your anxieties. That’s the root of your issue. Besides, his employer shouldn’t have to accommodate your concerns (at least that’s how it is where I live). 
 

You probably need to discuss your anxiety with a doctor. This is the root of the issue. They can help find a medication to ease your worry. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help for that.

Edited September 22, 2020 by Snow_Queen

[Kirsty-Nicole]

24 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

As a business professional, this seems like a huge liability. Or, are you working with him now? Either way, I don’t feel this is going to ease your anxieties. That’s the root of your issue. Besides, his employer shouldn’t have to accommodate your concerns (at least that’s how it is where I live). 
 

You probably need to discuss your anxiety with a doctor. This is the root of the issue. They can help find a medication to ease your worry. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help for that.

I don't work with him, His work are used to partners like me and have this process in place. Apparently a lot of partners get anxious so they've developed this program. 

[Watercolors]

56 minutes ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

My boyfriend sat down with me and had a chat with me about the on call. He said he understands how I feel and his work does too.

- Theyre arranging for me to go on a call out and go in as staff so I can see what it is all about, it'll be a retailer or similar. So I can see it is safe and its not dangerous
- I am his next of kin at work. He has had me on that list for at least 2 months.
- He knows I've not been sleeping. He said he wants me to sleep because it'll make me unwell and that's the last thing I want
- He wants me to call him if I wake up and I'm wondering where he is, 
- He has ordered a ring doorbell and a CCTV system. Told me I'm the most precious thing in the house and he wants me to feel safe. 
- He's only on call at night for a week every so often. 

He actually said "I know you've been anxious. I knows you've been up waiting for me" I asked how he knew. He just said all the washing is done. He needs me to sleep 

He asked if I am scared of the dark because he would get a lamp on the landing if I wanted. and it doesn't matter to him if I am

I admit that I’ve been harsh with you in this thread. It’s only because I don’t like how you are manipulating your boyfriend and putting his job in jeopardy by denying any accountability for your own issues with your anxiety. Instead of directly addressing your insecurities, anxieties, and codependency behaviors you are projecting them all onto your poor boyfriend as HIS problem to solve, not yours. That’s very immature and very toxic to your relationship with your boyfriend. 

I cannot believe that you have taken it to this extreme, where you now have to go on a work-call with your boyfriend. I really think you could benefit from some weekly therapy. I don’t think you are the type of person who wants to be independent or responsible for herself. I mean, you’re not even paying rent at your boyfriend’s place and now you’re putting all of this pressure on him to accommodate you while he has to worry about his job and now worry about you - a grown adult - who is acting rather childish. I’m harsh, I know. But I think you are taking things to the extreme and it’s not going to end well for anyone. I think you will cause your boyfriend to lose his job with your excessive worrying and need to control everything there. 

[Kirsty-Nicole]

17 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I admit that I’ve been harsh with you in this thread. It’s only because I don’t like how you are manipulating your boyfriend and putting his job in jeopardy by denying any accountability for your own issues with your anxiety. Instead of directly addressing your insecurities, anxieties, and codependency behaviors you are projecting them all onto your poor boyfriend as HIS problem to solve, not yours. That’s very immature and very toxic to your relationship with your boyfriend. 

I cannot believe that you have taken it to this extreme, where you now have to go on a work-call with your boyfriend. I really think you could benefit from some weekly therapy. I don’t think you are the type of person who wants to be independent or responsible for herself. I mean, you’re not even paying rent at your boyfriend’s place and now you’re putting all of this pressure on him to accommodate you while he has to worry about his job and now worry about you - a grown adult - who is acting rather childish. I’m harsh, I know. But I think you are taking things to the extreme and it’s not going to end well for anyone. I think you will cause your boyfriend to lose his job with your excessive worrying and need to control everything there. 

His work has this as an offering to calm partners.

[Watercolors]

35 minutes ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

His work has this as an offering to calm partners.

That’s fine.

But I’m really concerned that you’re blatantly ignoring the facts which is that you suffer from anxiety.

Why aren’t you interested in seeking help for your anxiety?

You clearly cannot be left alone based on what you’ve written. And you have your boyfriend accommodating you as though he’s your parent responsible for you. Don’t you think therapy would help you? Or, at least, to get a antidepressant to help your anxiety issues? Your boyfriend cannot fix your anxiety no matter how many cameras, lights, or security systems he installs around your flat. You will still be insecure, anxious and codependent. That is why I encourage you firmly to get therapy b/c ultimately you are responsible for fixing yourself. It’s not your parents or friends or boyfriends or coworkers jobs to fix you. It’s your job. 

[Mystery4u]

Depends. If you have work the next day, then yes carry on sleeping. If you are not working the next day and have no reason to get up early then I would stay awake until he comes home. Falling asleep together by each others side is one of the best things about being in a relationship.

Oh and I think it's a great idea for you to go with him and see what it's all about, nothing wrong with that.

[FMW]

If you are really concerned about being a good girlfriend, do something to handle your anxiety (counseling, medication, etc.) so that he doesn't have to worry about you when he's out.  It really does sound like you have a parent/child dynamic.  Sounds like he's taken on a lot of responsibility for you that goes beyond a normal romantic relationship.    

Have you been told you need someone around to watch out for you all the time (you mentioned choking)?  Have your parents had to step in for something like this in recent years?

Just trying to see if we're missing something here, but it sounds like it's an issue of your anxiety over being left alone. 

[poppyfields]

On 9/22/2020 at 10:45 AM, Kirsty-Nicole said:

My boyfriend sat down with me and had a chat with me about the on call. He said he understands how I feel and his work does too.

- Theyre arranging for me to go on a call out and go in as staff so I can see what it is all about, it'll be a retailer or similar. So I can see it is safe and its not dangerous
- I am his next of kin at work. He has had me on that list for at least 2 months.
- He knows I've not been sleeping. He said he wants me to sleep because it'll make me unwell and that's the last thing I want
- He wants me to call him if I wake up and I'm wondering where he is, 
- He has ordered a ring doorbell and a CCTV system. Told me I'm the most precious thing in the house and he wants me to feel safe. 
- He's only on call at night for a week every so often. 

He actually said "I know you've been anxious. I knows you've been up waiting for me" I asked how he knew. He just said all the washing is done. He needs me to sleep 

He asked if I am scared of the dark because he would get a lamp on the landing if I wanted. and it doesn't matter to him if I am

I don't think you sound entitled per se, but this^ does sound very much like a "father-daughter" relationship.

When I was a child, I had these same fears - of the dark, something happening to my dad, him never coming back, being alone.

And my dad would "sit me down" and talk to me. Comfort me.   Ask how he could make it better.  Just like your "boyfriend" is doing.  

Thank goodness I grew out of it and learned to be a self-sufficient independent adult. 

Not judging to each their own.  But another poster suggested therapy which I think is a great idea.  

I mean what if something did actually happen to your boyfriend?  On or off the job?  

The dynamic you've established with him isn't healthy.   You seem much too dependent on him, which it appears he likes and encourages.

This is not good for you in the long term.  

I understand your fear of getting another attack.  If that happens, call 911.

JMO and good luck.  

Edited September 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Often times the truth does hurt. Agree sometimes it can be delivered rather bluntly and even harshly, but often times that's how it sinks in.  

I hope you don't dismiss the advice because of how it was delivered. 

Many even most of these posts, including Watercolors, were 100% spot on.

Edited September 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed deleted quote.

[d0nnivain]

I was one of the blunt ones.  That's just how I am -- direct & straightforward.  I was not trying to be nasty.  To any extent that I hurt your feelings, I am sorry. 

Still my concerns remain valid.  There is a lot in here where you BF enables you & where you are not behaving like a mature independent adult.  When I moved into my 1st apartment I had all sorts of trouble & couldn't do much for myself.  My parents gave me a lot of tough love, as in figure it out for yourself.  My one roommate's parents coddled her & did everything for her, even coming down to buy her groceries.  At 50 years old she still needs people to do things for her; they inhibited her problem solving skills.  I worry you will be similarly hobbled.  

Again I'm glad there's a program where you can reduce your fears; I'm thrilled BF is upgrading the alarms & you are very lucky he is this nurturing.  Just be careful that he doesn't make you utterly dependent on him such that you can't function without him or worse the eventually grows bored of your neediness.  

Edited September 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed deleted quote.

[Kirsty-Nicole]

There was no need to be nasty. 

[Timshel]

On 9/22/2020 at 3:03 PM, Kirsty-Nicole said:

His work has this as an offering to calm partners.

The best thing my parents ever did for me was to disown me in my twenties.  When I was entering post graduate studies, I broke a rule and my parents cut me off.  The rule was I must earn $1,000. in my two months summer.  I gave them $800 in August ($200 less) and that was that.  I did earn enough but I spent it with my friends out and took my parents for granted.

So, I put myself through graduate school working for 'The Ride' in Boston and a nursing home across the street where I had an apartment.  Working for the ride, which is a driver to take subsidized disabled folk wherever they need go, I learned to be brave and humble.  There was the blind woman who told me to follow her.  There was the handsome young man rehabilitating from a brain injury from a car accident who told me he is living life again and grateful.  There were the dialysis patients, the widowed sisters, the woman who was crying for her husband passed and holding every person's hand while we walked through snow and ice.  Do not get me started with the nursing home.

My husband is on the road 5-6 days of the week, before that, he was out 6-8 weeks at a time.  I worry but worrying won't change anything, wasted energy Kirsty.  It seems that you two are co dependent.  No person here is being nasty, you are not holding down the fort and honestly that makes you rather useless.

[Watercolors]

6 hours ago, Kirsty-Nicole said:

There was no need to be nasty. 

No poster is being nasty. My personality is very direct and very blunt. I don't sugar coat anything and that's even when I take other people's feelings into consideration.

I'm sorry that you do not like the advice you received. But, many have pointed out the obvious issue here: that you are refusing to take any responsibility for yourself and you are very codependent on your boyfriend.

If you do have an anxiety disorder and are agoraphobic, or whatever your anxiety's root cause is -- you need to get that addressed so that you can live independently.

While it will help you to join your boyfriend on a remote job -- does his company insure you if you get injured?? - that will not solve the larger issue, which is that of your codependency. I hope you will seek help for that. There are many ways you can cope with living alone while your boyfriend is at work, and you can learn methods of self-soothing and distraction as a way to cope with the panic attacks that you do have. No one can do that for you. You have to take the initiative and seek help for yourself. I am sure you don't like that advice, but it's what I advise based on your responses and your situation.

[Timshel]

On 9/22/2020 at 12:58 AM, Kirsty-Nicole said:

As for my boyfriends occupation. he works in IT which sounds dull, One moment he can be fixing a till in a supermarket, to being in a government computer centre under armed guard

I'm trying to imagine how dangerous IT could be, or that they have comfort support for who ever the person happens to be living with atm.  Perhaps he's CIA, FBI or something more covert...in which case, they would not offer gf support.  I know that our military, police officers, national guard and fire persons don't allow ride alongs as general procedure.

The very good advice you have received Kirsty to talk to a professional regarding your anxiety I hope will not be shrugged off.  This is your life and I can't imagine living with so much fear.  

 

[poppyfields]

@Kirsty, I'm not sure what you found so harsh, nasty or unwelcoming about our responses, the majority of posters took the the time to respond in a very thoughtful albeit direct way to help you!  

The above^ post for example is an example and others as well merely suggesting you may be co-dependant which is not healthy for you or your boyfriend.  And to seek help for your severe anxiety from a medical professional.

I apologize in advance if this does sound harsh, but it appears your parents coddled you, now your boyfriend coddles you and as such you expect the everyone else to coddle you, including anonymous posters on a message forum.  

Newsflash:  We live in a harsh world Kirsty and if you honestly believe we were "nasty" or "harsh" or "unwelcoming," unless your boyfriend is prepared to coddle and protect you from the harsh realities of life, for the rest of your life, you're going to have a very difficult time simply living. 

Your choice.  

All the best. 

 

Edited October 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[major_merrick]

I'd go to sleep.

My husband is often on call, because in addition to his job he has serious community responsibilities.  He'll leave late at night to handle an issue, and I won't know when he'll be back.  He knows to expect me to be in my den and sound asleep.  He also knows I'm OK with waking up if he wants to be with me.