Dantheman93 Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 Hey all, Me and my partner recently split up after 7 years. We have overall had a super relationship with a few bumps in the road along the way but now it has unfortunately come to an end. I suppose the main question I want to know is if I am out of order in how I have handled things and does my final decision to end things sound reasonable... It’s a really complex split generally with many different issues. The main reason we split is due to my partner no longer wanting to see my family. So after a few years of nasty comments, gossip and nagging from certain members of my family it took its tole on my partner and they ended it suddenly a few weeks ago. Over the years I myself have tried to stick up for my partner and I when arguments have arisen but I haven’t done enough to stop the constant gossip and intrusion from my family. In turn my partner decided to call things off with us and has since moved out of our home. I was gutted when this happened. Anyway, since then my girlfriend has changed her mind and said that she wants us to get back together, however only on the basis that she doesn’t see my family. This obviously puts me in an awkward position. My girlfriend also wants us to move 2 hours away down to her hometown. This was something we had previously discussed before we broke up however now I feel without my girlfriend wanting to see my family, it makes it a tough decision. My girlfriend said that by getting back together it would be the ultimate gesture from myself, putting her before my family and making the move to her hometown in a few months time. However I feel that all the risk, falls on my part as without my girlfriend seeing my family currently, how is this going to affect me, our kids see them in the future?!? Also I would feel like I would be almost leading this double life where I have my girlfriend and family separate. Prior to breaking up, this year has been tough on us like so many others. My girlfriend hates her job, has felt pressure off my family and has hated living 2 hours away from her home time despite living here for the past few years. In turn my partner has been moody, angry and distant. I myself lost my job and was off work for a significant part of the year making me more sensitive and not as happy as usual due to the uncertainty. This was a bad combination causing us both to argue a lot and my girlfriend to take her anger out on me which she has admitted to. After a horrible week of thinking about what to do for the best I decided to go against my heart and not get back together due to the risks involved. Am I out of order for not sticking up for us enough in the past when my family has pushed us too far and should I take all responsibility for that? Should my girlfriend take some responsibility for not sticking up for us in the past? Have I done the right thing? Thanks, Dan Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 Dan ,you haven't said what her issue is with them but I guess the questions you need to ask is can I stand to be without her, Is she a keeper ? Your life and future is actually with her , not your family..What is going on with them. why is she uncomfortable with them? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 Unfortunately you are incompatible. She's unhappy and made too many sacrifices . Why were your parents so involved with your relationship? You do need some boundaries. You'll have similar problems with anyone you try to force your family on. You made the right choice to end it . Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 Boundaries don't matter, how is him setting Boundaries going to prevent his family members from spreading rumors? It honestly sounds fairly ridiculous, breaking up over 1 hour and gossip. I'm not really sure either of you are ready for a relationship even after 7 years. I just don't get how the things you mentioned are still an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dantheman93 Posted September 20, 2020 Author Share Posted September 20, 2020 (edited) Thanks for replies guys, really helpful. This is abit more of an insight as I was probably too brief on original post. The main issues with my family were there being bits of gossip here and there over the years. It’s like it has all come to a head. Also almost trying to be dictated on what to do which I had spoken to my family about to stop. This has improved since the chat however eventually it was gossip that cost the relationship... So I got a call whilst my girlfriend was on a hen party at around 2AM on a Saturday morning, she said she was going to meet some guys to buy some cigarettes. I thought nothing of it. Anyway a few days later, a member of my family calls me who was also on the hen party. They say that my girlfriend went back to some guys apartment and asked if I knew about this. I didn’t as this information wasn’t disclosed on the phone call. I obviously asked my girlfriend why she was at a guys apartment and why she had lied on the phone. She said nothing happened and she had just gone to buy cigarettes. In turn she ended the relationship as she said she was annoyed at the family member for going to me behind her back and because she had ultimately had enough of my family. I personally think my family member was correct to come to me in this case as her loyalties realistically lie with me. My girlfriend has cheated on me before in the past and this trust has built back up over the years. When I heard that she hadn’t told me on the phone about going to a guys apartment I was concerned. It was like she missed out a vital part of what she was doing. This is something else I have taken into consideration in not taking her back as 7 years down the line, It is worrying that she isn’t telling me that she has gone to someone else’s apartment (even if it is just to buy cigarettes). In my decision not to continue our relationship I have literally tried taking everything into account over the years. The cheating, my girlfriend can be a bad drunk and can offend people being nasty when having too much to drink, the arguments over last few months (both at fault in different ways). My girlfriend I suppose has done the same analysing the last few years and realised that she wants to be with me but not my family. I realise that my girlfriend is priority, it’s the same in any relationship. My girlfriend has then given me an ultimatum, move away but I’m not seeing your family going forward. I tried meeting halfway and said move away but see my family occasionally which she didn’t want to comply with. With all this said, this is why I feel I have made the right decision however like I say, I just want to know if I’m wrong and out of order. Edited September 20, 2020 by Dantheman93 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 2 hours ago, Dantheman93 said: My girlfriend has cheated on me before in the past and this trust has built back up over the years. When I heard that she hadn’t told me on the phone about going to a guys apartment I was concerned. It was like she missed out a vital part of what she was doing. This is something else I have taken into consideration in not taking her back as 7 years down the line, It is worrying that she isn’t telling me that she has gone to someone else’s apartment (even if it is just to buy cigarettes). In my decision not to continue our relationship I have literally tried taking everything into account over the years. The cheating, my girlfriend can be a bad drunk and can offend people being nasty when having too much to drink, the arguments over last few months (both at fault in different ways). She doesn't like people calling her out on her bad behaviour. She doesn't want to be around your family because she knows she's been shady in the past and they still hold her accountable for it. Can you really live the rest of your life having a partner who refuses to interact with them, with a family who questions your choice of partner, and you constantly feeling pulled in two directions? I would stay broken up, OP. Start fresh someday, with someone who doesn't feel compelled to make you choose between her and your family due to her own poor decisions and hurtful behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 Don't get back with her. You have made the right choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 Never stay with an alcoholic. Sever all your ties regarding the house etc. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 20, 2020 Share Posted September 20, 2020 (edited) Yeah that last post drew a very clear picture. Your ex is not worth your time and your family members have always known that. I guessing you live in a small community where your family members are seeing and hearing about her activities and telling you. Absolutely the right decision to keep her as your EX Edited September 20, 2020 by DKT3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts