We broke up a month ago, as of a few days ago anyways....

[html5lffy]

Hello,

My ex girlfriend (20) broke up with me (also 20) one month ago today. It was a really hard breakup on both of us. We both cried several times on the phone and in person. We broke up due to some serious incompatibilities (that aren’t really incompatibilities – I just was scared of opening up…) we would fight over the same issues, because I never put effort into fixing them. She would cry a lot. We were together officially for 10 months, but started hooking up after meeting on tinder for over one year. I didn’t really want to enter a relationship, however she did.

Anyways, as the story goes…begged, pleaded, cries, became needy. All unattractive. Her last straw was me dropping flowers chocolate and a cringe letter in her mailbox. I knew it was a bad idea but I had external pressure from a girl to do it. So, she blocked me. On everything. No response to any of what I sent her. I figured were done for good at this point, and ya da ya da.

Anyways, I tried to reach out on Facebook and say “hey can we just have an honest discussion about my actions?” Blocked.

A few days ago, I sent an email saying I’m sorry in the least emotional way possible. I even included “I’ve forgiven myself, and I expect no response and await no further communication.” 2 hours after sending the email she unblocked my number. “Hi, i saw your email, i really don’t want you to feel this sad and angry at yourself. i’m sorry i yelled at you the last time we talked. it probably didn’t leave you in a good state and i really just want you to be able to move on. when are you free to call?” “Yes I’m free but if you’re not comfortable we don’t have to call…I wasn’t expecting any reply…”

“ you’re saying the same
things over and over again. i get it. i understand and i forgive you. now, you need to move on and put it in the past. i don’t know why you’re still holding onto all the things you did and how you made me feel. it doesn’t matter anymore… we’re going our own separate ways so there’s no point in continuing to text me to apologize”

“I don’t understand why you think saying anything is going to change anything. We’re going our separate ways and I’ve already forgiven you.”

We call…and the call went actually really well. We got along, even laughed at my previous attempts of getting her back. Super laid-back and I’m not sure if I made a mistake by saying “I was also unhappy in the relationship, and am proud of you for ending it. I had been considering it, too for quite some time but wanted to just keep giving it another shot.” She actually became much more receptive to anything said.

Anyways, she understood where I was coming from… and I ended the call saying “ok, is there anything you would like to talk about? I’ll just listen.” And she said a few things, nothing important.

Before we got off the phone I said “well, instead of ending this call with all of the baggage, can we end it just with small talk and how we’ve been?” She agreed.

I asked her how she had been doing. Nothing overly descriptive. “I’m okay, just been doing a lot of homework on the weekends and such. It’s kind of sad actually.” I tried to pry and pry but she wouldn’t open up much.

I then decided to tell her about what I’ve been up to, even though she didn’t ask. I let her know that I bought a new car, am #2 in sales at my new job (been there a month) and she said wow! Big achievements I’m proud of you… you’ll be number one in no time!!

I said “well, I’ll let you go…it was nice talking. Glad we could clear the air. If you need anything you can give me a call.”

“Yeah, it was nice to talk. And same to you, my phones always here.”

“And by the way, I’m going to unblock you on everything. I just got angry at you and felt my privacy was being violated. But I feel bad, and I know what it’s like to be ignored. so I’m sorry, I’ll unblock you.”

Interesting thing is, she did unblock me on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and phone…but only followed me on insta. Not sure what this means to be honest. Kind of confused. I posted pics of my new car yesterday to which she didn’t like. But I did notice she posted 6 minutes after I did to her story…probably a coincidence but she lives on Instagram.

Anyways, we always fought about BLM and I’ve changed my stance entirely and am an avid supporter. I’m thinking maybe I could use this to open communication even further. Any ideas if this is productive? We fought a lot about it and I don’t want her to think I’m only saying these things to her as a way to get back together.

I dunno guys, this a lost cause? It feels like it might be but on the other hand, who the hell knows.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I believe you're best off to move on. She clearly encouraged you to do so. You carried the last phone conversation off very well and I'm surprised, given what seems to me to be your neediness for a reply from her that was demonstrated in your continued apologies to her, that you were able to maintain a cooler persona on the phone call. IMO, from what you wrote, it seems you regained some dignity you had lost and in the process, most likely regained her respect.

It also seems to me that since you told her on the phone you'd actually thought of breaking up, too, while the two of you were together that if she'd entertained the idea of getting back with you at all (which it doesn't sound to me as if she did) it probably quashed any ideas of doing so.

Two things you wrote:

"We broke up due to some serious incompatibilities (that aren’t really incompatibilities – I just was scared of opening up…)"

and

"Her last straw was me dropping flowers chocolate and a cringe letter in her mailbox. I knew it was a bad idea but I had external pressure from a girl to do it,"

lead me to believe you'd benefit from strengthening your emotional core so that you are comfortable following what you believe in rather than being influenced by someone else to do something you have a sense of not being in your best interest. Or in being confident enough to be vulnerable when it's important.

Don't feel too bad because learning to stand up for oneself is a process that occurs with most people as they mature, and as they experience what happens when one doesn't do so. Such as you just did. Just use your newly gained experience in your next relationship! I'm so sorry that you're suffering from this. I always say, "Live and learn."

 

[html5lffy]

5 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I believe you're best off to move on. She clearly encouraged you to do so. You carried the last phone conversation off very well and I'm surprised, given what seems to me to be your neediness for a reply from her that was demonstrated in your continued apologies to her, that you were able to maintain a cooler persona on the phone call. IMO, from what you wrote, it seems you regained some dignity you had lost and in the process, most likely regained her respect.

It also seems to me that since you told her on the phone you'd actually thought of breaking up, too, while the two of you were together that if she'd entertained the idea of getting back with you at all (which it doesn't sound to me as if she did) it probably quashed any ideas of doing so.

Two things you wrote:

"We broke up due to some serious incompatibilities (that aren’t really incompatibilities – I just was scared of opening up…)"

and

"Her last straw was me dropping flowers chocolate and a cringe letter in her mailbox. I knew it was a bad idea but I had external pressure from a girl to do it,"

lead me to believe you'd benefit from strengthening your emotional core so that you are comfortable following what you believe in rather than being influenced by someone else to do something you have a sense of not being in your best interest. Or in being confident enough to be vulnerable when it's important.

Don't feel too bad because learning to stand up for oneself is a process that occurs with most people as they mature, and as they experience what happens when one doesn't do so. Such as you just did. Just use your newly gained experience in your next relationship! I'm so sorry that you're suffering from this. I always say, "Live and learn."

 

Thank you very much for your in-depth response. 
 

you know, the truth is...I agree with her that we shouldn’t be together. As much as it hurts, and I believe she’s in a very similar position as me (like I said it was rough on both of us) we would never have worked out. I always complained about her, always hated spending time with her, and generally didn’t respect her (again I think this was on myself for being scared of entering a relationship) those feelings were valid. 
 

I do not want to lose her totally however. I don’t necessarily want to be with her. But I would like to be friends. I value her as a person much more than a girlfriend if that makes sense. I genuinely mean - if she called and begged for me back, I’m not sure I would even let myself get back together with her. I’m so conflicted. 
 

also, I did meet a new girl, same political beliefs, music taste (classic and progressive rock —super rare!!) as well as hitting it off and feeling more for her than I did with my ex in the two times we’ve hung out ... I’m not sure how to proceed. I definitely still have feelings for my ex and miss the heck out of her. 
 

im just so conflicted and not sure how to proceed. 
 

I mean this genuinely, I think my ex probably has more attachment to me than I do with her...I think she could sense that it was the LOSS factor that made me act the way I did...not the actual relationship itself if that makes sense. Maybe I am just delusional. She puts a tough face on. 
 

Ugh I’m so confused. 

[html5lffy]

Also, she bought me a couples massage ($200!) 2 weeks before the breakup for my birthday. I’m not going to use it. Should I send it back to her/tell it it’s hers to use? Or would that be rude?

[Wiseman2]

Why were you fighting over BLM?

Try to leave her alone.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, html5lffy said:

Thank you very much for your in-depth response...
 

Ugh I’m so confused. 

I don't think you're confused at all, html. To me, you seem to have a very good grasp of your own perspective and feelings and of hers, too.  You just need time to get over your feelings of loss of the relationship. We all go through this when we lose a relationship. Those of us who aren't sociopaths do, anyway! Just a little black humor thrown in there to lighten your mood! 🙂

IME, those young people who are most intuitive about relationships and most understanding of emotions tend to think of themselves as needing the most help in deciphering what went wrong, possibly because they have a sense of the complexity of relationships. From what I've seen they are right on target most of the time about what they and others feel and what's the right move to make. But, they are sometimes easily influenced by friends or family they are close to who are actually bumbling idiots about relationships! LOL! Don't mean to disparage your friend who told you to take the flowers and chocolates to the ex.

Point is, though, I'll bet you end up learning that even though you may want to get counsel from others about relationships, nine times out of ten, your instincts are more on target than those of others who may counsel you. 

I'd say if you want to be friends with this woman give it time (a couple of months at least, maybe up to six months) and gradually make a comment here and there on her posts. If you "like" or make a small comment on one of her social media posts and she doesn't return the favor, then don't do it again. Give her months to reciprocate, though. And don't stress about it in the meantime. She has got to know that you can speak to her or comment to her, she can speak back, and you won't come rushing toward her. If you are ever going to have a friendship with her at this point, she needs to be the one to initiate it. As much as you want it. If you go for even a friendship she may back off. 

In a sense you have her where you want her. I'd say leave her there and wait on her to make a move toward friendship. In the meantime take a break and do some healing from this relationship. You say you've met a new girl yet still have feelings for the old. If you think the new girl is a strong possibility for a great relationship why don't you either not move forward with her due to the fact your feelings for the old gf may mess things up or else tell her you're just out of a break up but enjoy her company and would like to move slowly. If you don't tell her that, then just move very slowly. You need time to heal.

 

Edited September 20, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease
spelling

[Wiseman2]

Stop trying to impress her or restart your conflicts. You have no respect for her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 hour ago, html5lffy said:

Also, she bought me a couples massage ($200!) 2 weeks before the breakup for my birthday. I’m not going to use it. Should I send it back to her/tell it it’s hers to use? Or would that be rude?

I'm not sure about this at this point. It's just that it would be really good for her if you had no contact at all with her for awhile. IMO, you peppered her a little before the phone call the two of you had where everything went so well for you. I'd hate for her to feel a peppering effect from you when she receives the massage gift certificate, were you to return it. A lot would depend on her financial status, I'd think. And whether or not you gave her an expensive gift for her birthday. If you've given her an expensive gift, then I wouldn't, for sure. 

Edited September 20, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[ExpatInItaly]

I am not sure what you're conflicted about, OP. 

She doesn't want to reconcile, so it's not as though you're here deciding between two paths. She already made the choice to end it and has encouraged you to move on. There is nothing to be confused about when she hasn't presented you an alternative, in other words. 

Your attempt to make it seem like you wanted this break-up isn't sincere, and trying to play mind tricks with yourself (or her) won't work. It's okay to admit you are hurt, and going by your past threads, she knows how hard you took this. And that's okay. Trying to impress her now with your progress or bravado (that you thought about ending it several times and you're proud of her for dumping you? Dude, come on, even you can't possibly buy that) is transparent. 

It's time to do what she's been encouraging you to do - let go, heal, and move on. 

There is no need to return the birthday gift, either.  Don't try to be friends until you're indifferent about her meeting a new boyfriend either. It will end poorly for you (emotionally) if you try to stay in her orbit right now. 

Edited September 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[html5lffy]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am not sure what you're conflicted about, OP. 

She doesn't want to reconcile, so it's not as though you're here deciding between two paths. She already made the choice to end it and has encouraged you to move on. There is nothing to be confused about when she hasn't presented you an alternative, in other words. 

Your attempt to make it seem like you wanted this break-up isn't sincere, and trying to play mind tricks with yourself (or her) won't work. It's okay to admit you are hurt, and going by your past threads, she knows how hard you took this. And that's okay. Trying to impress her now with your progress or bravado (that you thought about ending it several times and you're proud of her for dumping you? Dude, come on, even you can't possibly buy that) is transparent. 

It's time to do what she's been encouraging you to do - let go, heal, and move on. 

There is no need to return the birthday gift, either.  Don't try to be friends until you're indifferent about her meeting a new boyfriend either. It will end poorly for you (emotionally) if you try to stay in her orbit right now. 

Believe it or not, two nights before she broke up with me I called my father to ask his advice - do I or do I not break up with her? He said give it time until you are absolutely sure. We would literally always fight, and one of us would get pissed each time we would hang out to the point of silence. It was so annoying. Yes I still have deep feelings for her, I suspect it’s the same on her end, too. She knows we don’t belong together as do I. I’m not pretending to be proud of her, I legitimately am. It’s hard to break up with someone, especially when you have strong feelings for them. I’m not lying about wanting to have broken up, either. I would always complain about her to anyone I possibly could. Relationship sucked. But she was special... THIS is what I am conflicted about. 
 

I want her as a friend, I don’t care if she dates other people, I literally don’t want to go from FaceTiming 4 hours a day (which I hated) to texting once every few months. She had significance in my life, as did I with her. 
 

the birthday gift I am considering, because she’s tight on cash. She’s in college and cannot work. She’s trying to pay off a large purchase right now. Would it be wise to just send her the cost via Venmo? I just feel bad because I know I will literally never use the gift, as it has emotional strings attached to it. 

[html5lffy]

9 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

I'm not sure about this at this point. It's just that it would be really good for her if you had no contact at all with her for awhile. IMO, you peppered her a little before the phone call the two of you had where everything went so well for you. I'd hate for her to feel a peppering effect from you when she receives the massage gift certificate, were you to return it. A lot would depend on her financial status, I'd think. And whether or not you gave her an expensive gift for her birthday. If you've given her an expensive gift, then I wouldn't, for sure. 

Hmmm yeah. It was an expensive gift unfortunately. $200. She also needs money as she’s a college student. So I feel bad. It’s never going to be used by me, it’s only going to sit around until it expires one day. Maybe her and her next boyfriend could use it, I dunno. I bought her expensive sunglasses and a few other things for her birthday, which was less than a month before mine. 

[FMW]

10 minutes ago, html5lffy said:

I want her as a friend, I don’t care if she dates other people, I literally don’t want to go from FaceTiming 4 hours a day (which I hated) to texting once every few months. She had significance in my life, as did I with her. 

Being able to be just friends is very difficult, if not impossible.  Many of us try, very few succeed.  The intensity of feeling I get from your post makes me doubt that you wouldn't care if she dates other people.  Taking time apart, including no texting or other contact, is an important part of getting past that intensity.  

Break ups are hard, we get very invested in the other person and it takes some time to adjust to not having them a part of our lives in all the little ways they were.  It's hard for a while and we naturally fight against just letting it go.  But  trying to hold on will just prolong the pain and bring a lot of frustration.

Don't return the gift unless she requests it.     

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, html5lffy said:

I want her as a friend, I don’t care if she dates other people, I literally don’t want to go from FaceTiming 4 hours a day (which I hated) to texting once every few months. She had significance in my life, as did I with her. 

The thing is, you might not have much choice. If she isn't keen to stay good friends, you need to respect that. It's not all about what you want; she gets a say, too. 

Staying friends with an ex isn't realistic for many people, anyway. And yes, it's hard to have someone as your constant companion and then go to not having regular contact, but that's usually what happens. There is a reason most exes eventually drift apart and don't stay close. Eventually, one or both of you will move on and new partners will take priority. Staying friends with an ex just isn't that important when you become engaged in a new relationship. 

Given this thread and your last one - you need complete No Contact for a while, to truly get over her. Perhaps you can be friends again someday, but I can nearly guarantee it won't work right now. Give yourself time and space away from her. 

And I agree with FMW that there is no need to return or reimburse the gift unless she asks you to. If you don't wish to use it, give it to a friend you will, or a deserving family member. 

[elaine567]

Trouble is she broke up with you, so her memories of this relationship may not be as good as yours, I doubt all that fighting left a good impression on her.
Most people break up so they can move on to the next chapter in their life.
Having an unwanted ex bf still hanging round may not be what she has in mind. 
You have "made up" with no hard feelings. I guess that may be the best you can achieve.
Any more may start to annoy her again.
Let it go.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, html5lffy said:

I dunno guys, this a lost cause? It feels like it might be

Apologies if this is blunt, but IMO, yes. Time to start getting over her and move on...

You have started actually. It can be rough at 20, I remember.

[Acacia98]

16 hours ago, html5lffy said:

Ayways, we always fought about BLM and I’ve changed my stance entirely and am an avid supporter. I’m thinking maybe I could use this to open communication even further. Any ideas if this is productive? We fought a lot about it and I don’t want her to think I’m only saying these things to her as a way to get back together.

I dunno guys, this a lost cause? It feels like it might be but on the other hand, who the hell knows.

At the risk of offending you, this is essentially what I get from all your posts:

"I don't want to be with her, but I don't want to let her move on."

Please leave her alone. Let her be. Stop looking for excuses to communicate with her. If you are meant to be friends, you will reconnect further down the road if/when you are both ready to. For now have the kindness to give her the space and distance she sought when she broke up with you. Try to spend this time addressing the issues that made you a not-so-great relationship partner. Hopefully, she will do the same too.

[LivingWaterPlease]

15 hours ago, html5lffy said:

Believe it or not, two nights before she broke up with me I called my father to ask his advice - do I or do I not break up with her? He said give it time until you are absolutely sure. We would literally always fight, and one of us would get pissed each time we would hang out to the point of silence. It was so annoying. Yes I still have deep feelings for her, I suspect it’s the same on her end, too. She knows we don’t belong together as do I. I’m not pretending to be proud of her, I legitimately am. It’s hard to break up with someone, especially when you have strong feelings for them. I’m not lying about wanting to have broken up, either. I would always complain about her to anyone I possibly could. Relationship sucked. But she was special... THIS is what I am conflicted about. 
 

I want her as a friend, I don’t care if she dates other people, I literally don’t want to go from FaceTiming 4 hours a day (which I hated) to texting once every few months. She had significance in my life, as did I with her. 
 

the birthday gift I am considering, because she’s tight on cash. She’s in college and cannot work. She’s trying to pay off a large purchase right now. Would it be wise to just send her the cost via Venmo? I just feel bad because I know I will literally never use the gift, as it has emotional strings attached to it. 

html, I believe you. The more I read the more I'm convinced that both of you are really great people and balanced. She gained some respect from you, that either she never had or that she lost, by breaking up with you it seems to me. To me, this is a win/win situation in that she had the strength to break up with a guy she knew didn't really love her as a guy should love his g/f. And you get what you wanted, a breakup with her.

Out of kindness for her (which is what a true friend does), I encourage you to sacrifice the idea of a friendship with her for her best good. As you've mentioned you believe she still cares for you but knew the friendship wouldn't work. 

If someone wants more than you do in a relationship, even though that person means a lot to you and you want to keep their friendship, it's really selfish to try to get them to maintain the friendship because they will most likely continue to desire you. That would be hurtful for them when you're unavailable for a romance with them.

Editing to add: It's a very kind thought to think of returning the gift certificate to her but under the circumstances you posted, I don't think it's a good idea. She might consider it condescending. Even if not, she most likely couldn't get a refund on it so it wouldn't help her financially. And she probably wouldn't want to use it with another boyfriend. 

 

Edited September 21, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[html5lffy]

9 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

html, I believe you. The more I read the more I'm convinced that both of you are really great people and balanced. She gained some respect from you, that either she never had or that she lost, by breaking up with you it seems to me. To me, this is a win/win situation in that she had the strength to break up with a guy she knew didn't really love her as a guy should love his g/f. And you get what you wanted, a breakup with her.

Out of kindness for her (which is what a true friend does), I encourage you to sacrifice the idea of a friendship with her for her best good. As you've mentioned you believe she still cares for you but knew the friendship wouldn't work. 

If someone wants more than you do in a relationship, even though that person means a lot to you and you want to keep their friendship, it's really selfish to try to get them to maintain the friendship because they will most likely continue to desire you. That would be hurtful for them when you're unavailable for a romance with them.

Editing to add: It's a very kind thought to think of returning the gift certificate to her but under the circumstances you posted, I don't think it's a good idea. She might consider it condescending. Even if not, she most likely couldn't get a refund on it so it wouldn't help her financially. And she probably wouldn't want to use it with another boyfriend. 

 

Thank you for this. I’m just so confused right now. She was way more into me the entire relationship than I was with her, and once we broke up it shifted in the complete opposite direction. I guess I will no longer consider any friendship with her, for now at least...for her own good. As much as it hurts. 
 

and, should I send her cash instead? At least pay for “her” portion of the massage since she paid for both of us?

 

thank you!

[LivingWaterPlease]

51 minutes ago, html5lffy said:

Thank you for this. I’m just so confused right now. She was way more into me the entire relationship than I was with her, and once we broke up it shifted in the complete opposite direction. I guess I will no longer consider any friendship with her, for now at least...for her own good. As much as it hurts. 
 

and, should I send her cash instead? At least pay for “her” portion of the massage since she paid for both of us?

 

thank you!

It shifted in the complete opposite direction because you respected her decision. Having respect for someone is a powerful aphrodisiac.  However, were you to have an opportunity to reunite I'm guessing those feelings of new respect for her wouldn't last.

What do you think about that idea?

You mentioned having lots of differences of opinions and perspectives, one being BLM which you say you've changed your opinion on. That's only one difference, though. I believe you alluded to the fact there were many differences. 

When a person has the courage to walk away from someone who basically doesn't want them, it's a very attractive thing. Being attracted to someone and being right for someone to be in a relationship with are two different things. She was mature enough to see that (and you were, too, as you mentioned you realized that) and now you're having the opportunity to be mature about it, which it seems to me you are taking.

You both have done very well with this. It hasn't been easy for either of you, which you acknowledged in your OP. 

Now you're working through the grief process in the right way, by not lingering on her doorstep but by moving on.

I'm on the fence about sending the cash. For the time being, I'd say not to do it. IF you should do it I'd mail it with a note saying you debated whether or not to send it because in a sense it doesn't seem gracious, but that knowing her you trust she'll see your somewhat unusual and possibly awkward gesture in the best possible light. That you don't mean to be offensive and that her kind and very generous gift was a wonderful idea which you deeply appreciate and will treasure the memory of. That she's such a lovely person in all ways and you wish her every good thing and under the circumstances would love to see her use the resources for educational expenses. I'd probably edit the above somewhat but those are the thoughts I'd include. 

Being a person of faith in God, I'd also pray about it before doing it and pray that God's spirit of love would go before the note so that it would be a blessing, not offensive. i do believe it could be done in a beautiful and sensitive manner. But, that's just me and my way of doing things. I'm sure some others will strongly disagree with even that approach. You have to do what seems best for you. Above all, don't do it in a way that seems as if it could be taken as a bid to rekindle the relationship. And don't explain that you're not trying to rekindle the relationship. Leave the idea completely alone. That's why I suggest the note, so that you don't get into a convo about it and end up saying things you regret later. Not inferring you would say insulting things. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, html5lffy said:

She was way more into me the entire relationship than I was with her, and once we broke up it shifted in the complete opposite direction. 

That’s probably why she ended it - she was no longer into the way she was, and her feelings had changed. 

Sooner or later, people get sick of a one-sided relationship and their interest fizzles. That’s why she doesn’t seem that bothered now. She had already lost the desire to keep trying so she was ready to move on.