Looking for people in similar situation

[Kitkatz31]

Need advice/insight. My husband is bi. I knew he was bi when we got married. We have been married for almost 18 years now and have been monogamous but something has changed. All I know is that I don't want our marriage  to end and really thought our situation was unique until I started doing research. Would love to hear from other guys in the same situation

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Are you a man married to a man? Or a woman married to a man? 

[Wiseman2]

 

What changed? Is he having affairs with men?

If so, see your doctor and get tested for STDs. Also consult an attorney, for guidance and options in the event of divorce.

Even though you entered a high risk marriage, you need to find out what is going on and if you want to stay married.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Kitkatz31 said:

Need advice/insight. My husband is bi. I knew he was bi when we got married. We have been married for almost 18 years now and have been monogamous but something has changed. All I know is that I don't want our marriage  to end and really thought our situation was unique until I started doing research. Would love to hear from other guys in the same situation

What has changed? Has he expressed a desire to be with someone else? 

[Kitkatz31]

It started out with him saying he wants a divorce but he loves me more than I'll ever know. Than I was asking him that if he loved me so much why I told him marriage can be hard and is not easy then he went on to say he was not happy because he wanted to be with guys. He said he has not cheated on me. He feels conflicted. He said he he feels like he has a split personality he loves me and can see himself with me but he can also see himself with a guy. I dont want a divorce I told him that if he needed to explore his feelings I would be ok and maybe since he repressed all  the urges for so many years led to where we are today and if I would  have let him satisfy his other side all those years we wouldn't be in this boat now. I really don't want a divorce. I love him so much and I cant imagine him not in my life as my husband. So I was looking for other guys in same situations that make it work. I want that little piece of hope that it can work. We have a pretty great life together and 3 children.

[Kitkatz31]

6 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Are you a man married to a man? Or a woman married to a man? 

Woman married to a man

[schlumpy]

To make something like this work you need lots of rules. The rules enforce respect for the other partner and directly measure the vital signs of the marriage. Think of it as an open marriage where each partner sleeps with other people but without the deep inner connection that makes them a couple. If the rules are casually or thoughtlessly broken it's a sign that things are not going well. Very few open marriages survive because feelings always catch up with you.

This will be no different then if he is seeing other women. There is a very good chance that he will become emotionally involved and still want the divorce. So, you may be putting off the inevitable.

A quick, agreeable divorce and then good co-parenting may be the better solution for you.

Hanging on to someone who wants to be somewhere else can waste a lot of years.

All the best.

[Kitkatz31]

5 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

To make something like this work you need lots of rules. The rules enforce respect for the other partner and directly measure the vital signs of the marriage. Think of it as an open marriage where each partner sleeps with other people but without the deep inner connection that makes them a couple. If the rules are casually or thoughtlessly broken it's a sign that things are not going well. Very few open marriages survive because feelings always catch up with you.

This will be no different then if he is seeing other women. There is a very good chance that he will become emotionally involved and still want the divorce. So, you may be putting off the inevitable.

A quick, agreeable divorce and then good co-parenting may be the better solution for you.

Hanging on to someone who wants to be somewhere else can waste a lot of years.

All the best.

I do worry about that I'm just not ready to give up on us and what we have. We are talking and stuff is on the table. He also said he is not 100 percent sure of what he exactly wants. I'm doing alot of research and trying to find others who made it work. He does want to keep things open and honest. I do know this much I would rather share him then lose him and I'm not sure if that makes me stupid or what but I cant Imagine a life without him.

[elaine567]

36 minutes ago, Kitkatz31 said:

It started out with him saying he wants a divorce but he loves me more than I'll ever know.

My guess he wants a divorce and the second part is about trying to soften the blow and make you feel better.

Open marriages work well when both are seeking to explore their sexuality with other people, neither is the jealous type and there are no real underlying problems with the marriage.
As you  have no desire to go find other men and you are only doing it to hang onto your husband it is very unlikely to work out well for you.
 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Kitkatz31 said:

I cant Imagine a life without him.

Did you never think one day his bisexuality will come home to roost?

[Kitkatz31]

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did you never think one day his bisexuality will come home to roost?

It's always been in the back of my mind

[Kitkatz31]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

My guess he wants a divorce and the second part is about trying to soften the blow and make you feel better.

Open marriages work well when both are seeking to explore their sexuality with other people, neither is the jealous type and there are no real underlying problems with the marriage.
As you  have no desire to go find other men and you are only doing it to hang onto your husband it is very unlikely to work out well for you.
 

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

My guess he wants a divorce and the second part is about trying to soften the blow and make you feel better.

Open marriages work well when both are seeking to explore their sexuality with other people, neither is the jealous type and there are no real underlying problems with the marriage.
As you  have no desire to go find other men and you are only doing it to hang onto your husband it is very unlikely to work out well for you.
 

I'm  not ready to go there yet for myself. I have always wanted my husband. Can it happen down the road. Maybe. We have put alot of stuff on the table and taking one day at a time. I'm not ready to give up on  our relationship even if the dynamics change.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Kitkatz31 said:

I'm not ready to give up on  our relationship even if the dynamics change.

It may not be your decision to make.
I guess if he wants to be with guys, then having a wife in tow will not be what he really wants, hence the divorce suggestion first and foremost.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't speak from personal experience as I have never been in your shoes, nor do I know any couples that have made something like work in the long-run, so that's my disclaimer. 

As the others have pointed out, you two are going to need a lot of very clear rules about how to proceed and what do in different scenarios. What if it's not just about sex, but also the desire to be in a relationship with another man? For example, will you feel okay with him going on dates with men, maybe spending the night together, going away for the weekend, and the like? For you, what will be too much to bear? You need to identify where your own boundaries are with this, and be true to yourself. If something hurts your feelings, say so. The worst thing you could do here is to stuff down your true needs and desires because you don't want to lose him. That will lead to deep unhappiness over time. 

I would also prepare yourself for the possibility that he tries sleeping with or dating other men, and still requests a divorce. I think he's willing to try this new open arrangement for now, because you two have been together a long time and he likely feels he should at least try, but I would be very concerned that after a period of time he will still come to you with a request to end the marriage. My guess is that he has been thinking about this for a long time and deep-down, his heart and mind are already checked out. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kitkatz31 said:

 and can see himself with me but he can also see himself with a guy. We have a pretty great life together and 3 children.

Unfortunately now that you have 3 almost grown kids, he wants his freedom to be with men. You need to consult an attorney whether you 'want' a divorce or not.  He wants a divorce and that only takes one. Your marriage is a sham you've always known that and he's tired of living that way.

Edited September 20, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your marriage is a sham you've always known that and he's tired of living that way.

In a nutshell.
Get your ducks in a row.

[mark clemson]

I'm not so sure it's a sham. Just different. I could be wrong.

I'm not bi, so not in your situation. However, I think you BOTH need to do a LOT of reading up on how to make polyamory work if that's what's going to happen and you want to attempt to preserve the marriage.

I think the fact that the opener here was "I want a divorce" not "let's talk about some things" was not a good sign. That said, if he fully, absolutely, 100% sure wanted a divorce, you'd already be talking to a lawyer.

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think the fact that the opener here was "I want a divorce" not "let's talk about some things" was not a good sign. ✔️
That said, if he fully, absolutely, 100% sure wanted a divorce, you'd already be talking to a lawyer.

Yes I agree his opener was "I want a divorce" not "I want to be able to see guys" or "Let's open up the marriage..." or "Let's talk about my sexuality" or even "Can we talk, I am not feeling very happy".
My guess is that had the OP not gone down the "Lets talk it out, I am going nowhere if I can help it" route then they would be now divorcing.
He has I guess chickened out in the face of her resistance.
It doesn't mean he does not want a divorce to go pursue men, only that it has not been made easy for him to do it.

I know "open marriage" is  often touted as a solution for all sorts of marital difficulties but  I don't think your average monogamous married person really would want to consider it.
His solution for his problem was divorce, not an open marriage.
Divorce and he is free to do as he pleases,
Open marriage and he has to continue taking the feelings and opinions of someone else into consideration.
Also as a free agent he has nothing to explain or  hide, "I have a wife at home" I guess may make things a bit awkward for him...

[Kitkatz31]

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes I agree his opener was "I want a divorce" not "I want to be able to see guys" or "Let's open up the marriage..." or "Let's talk about my sexuality" or even "Can we talk, I am not feeling very happy".
My guess is that had the OP not gone down the "Lets talk it out, I am going nowhere if I can help it" route then they would be now divorcing.
He has I guess chickened out in the face of her resistance.
It doesn't mean he does not want a divorce to go pursue men, only that it has not been made easy for him to do it.

I know "open marriage" is  often touted as a solution for all sorts of marital difficulties but  I don't think your average monogamous married person really would want to consider it.
His solution for his problem was divorce, not an open marriage.
Divorce and he is free to do as he pleases,
Open marriage and he has to continue taking the feelings and opinions of someone else into consideration.
Also as a free agent he has nothing to explain or  hide, "I have a wife at home" I guess may make things a bit awkward for him...

I understand that but we have been talking alot and the reason he brought up divorce was because he thought that is what I would want after talking. He can be very complex and he never thought I would be handling it the way I am. I actually surprised him. He has absolutely no reason to lie about anything. So I have no reason to doubt anything he says.

[Kitkatz31]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not so sure it's a sham. Just different. I could be wrong.

I'm not bi, so not in your situation. However, I think you BOTH need to do a LOT of reading up on how to make polyamory work if that's what's going to happen and you want to attempt to preserve the marriage.

I think the fact that the opener here was "I want a divorce" not "let's talk about some things" was not a good sign. That said, if he fully, absolutely, 100% sure wanted a divorce, you'd already be talking to a lawyer.

That's was a concern I had but he can be very complex. The divorce thing came back up with a little more clarity. He said he thought I was going to want a divorce because he didn't think I would ba accepting of what was going on and he half expected that I was going to kick him out. I had to take a real good look at what I wanted and what it comes down to is this. I love him with all my being and if there is any chance are marriage can work if we work through these changes then that is what I want. 

[DKT3]

I think there is a difference between wanting to explore the other side of his sexuality and wanting to have an actual relationship with a man. 

I know a guy (friend of a friend) who's wife was like your husband.  He agreed to her exploring her sexuality with other women and over the course of two years she pulled away and is now in a relationship with a woman.  He says now, he wishes he had pulled the plug when she first came to him with it. 

I think its always dangerous,  but it can work if you are both committed and unwilling to give up on one another. 

[Wiseman2]

To be honest many people hit midlife and simply want a divorce. Perhaps it's a guy he wants, but unfortunately people go through this no matter the orientation. it's sad and you may want to unpack and sort some stuff out alone, and confidentially with a therapist to help you navigate this.

[Watercolors]

18 hours ago, Kitkatz31 said:

Need advice/insight. My husband is bi. I knew he was bi when we got married. We have been married for almost 18 years now and have been monogamous but something has changed. All I know is that I don't want our marriage  to end and really thought our situation was unique until I started doing research. Would love to hear from other guys in the same situation

I am friends with a married couple who had a situation like yours. The husband and wife were both heterosexual when they met in college and married. Within 5 years, the husband decided he was transgender and wanted to become a woman. Instead of divorcing each other, the wife and husband went to marriage counseling, to help them transition through the process of the husband's transition to becoming a woman. He had reassignment surgery, received breast implants, and the wife learned to use sex toys with him/her, and him/her with the wife. They've stayed married for over 35 years. The husband now identifies as female. And the wife 100% supports her. They even did a documentary film about their experience. 

Another couple I know, went through divorce when the husband decided after 20 years of marriage and two children that he was actually gay and didn't want to stay married to his wife. She had a terrible time accepting her husband's new sexual identity (new to her, he'd later confess he knew he was gay since he was 5, but he married and had children to be accepted by society). The wife ended up becoming bipolar and losing custody of their two children to the husband who was now with his gay partner. 

I think you and your husband need sit down and write out a plan together of what your "new" marriage looks like, or, if divorce seems like the most realistic solution. And you definitely need to involve a mediator. You cannot go through this without a licensed therapist. To try to do this without help, would be foolish. 

Edited September 20, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Kitkatz31 said:

That's was a concern I had but he can be very complex. The divorce thing came back up with a little more clarity. He said he thought I was going to want a divorce because he didn't think I would ba accepting of what was going on and he half expected that I was going to kick him out. I had to take a real good look at what I wanted and what it comes down to is this. I love him with all my being and if there is any chance are marriage can work if we work through these changes then that is what I want. 

The other option is to have an "open" marriage with your husband. The fallout however, will be the way it affects your children that you have together. You will need to think about doing family counseling, so that the children (even if they are late teens, early 20s) understand what is going on. If you have an open marriage, you will need to accept that means he will go out and have sex with other gay men, while you are either abstinent, or you start having affairs with heterosexual men on the side. Unless you are willing to take on the psychological baggage that an open marriage comes with, I would not even entertain that idea if I were you. You will be giving up the traditional marriage structure, if you do have an "open" marriage. And the rules of it are completely different than traditional marriage. But, you also need to seriously discuss how this will impact you as a family with children. You need to respect your children and tell them what is happening. 

[greymatter]

I hear that you want to stay in the marriage if he will agree to it. How will you feel if he starts spending your/his money on dating other people? Going out to dinner, gifts, new clothes for dates, weekends away, etc.?