Silent treatment - how to get my stuff back?

[astutise]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Never break up with someone until you've discreetly taken your stuff back to your own place first. That's one lesson then everyone should learn. Nothing more awkward than trying to get your ex to return your things. He/she could be psycho and throw it out on the curb, break it and throw it out, or mail it back broken w/a signature required that you have to pay for the delivery yourself. Civilized return of the exes things? Never experienced that personally. I mean, it makes sense if you live together or are married getting a divorce. But just dating a few months? Leave your stuff at home. Eeek. 

Lesson definitely learnt. Never again...

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, astutise said:

This has been his behaviour. It was really mind-boggling and scary. He kept saying over and over and over that I am mean, unkind and don't treat him well because of my sad face at the restaurant. And when he said something nasty about my friend one time and I asked him not to, he said I am offensive and unkind for accusing him of saying something not nice and then said 'apology accepted' before I'd even said sorry and then continued until I felt like I had to say sorry just to stop the onslaught. 

 

Oh dear god how did you put up with that for three months? More importantly, why did you put up with it for three months? He is clearly not a mentally healthy person. Yowsa!

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, astutise said:

Lesson definitely learnt. Never again...

The most expensive thing I ever lost in a break up was a $200 espresso machine. Never again will I ever leave anything at a partners house that I own.

Edited September 22, 2020 by Watercolors

[homecoming]

This very same thing happened to me - my ex blew up at me in front of other people, claiming I'd disrespected them by being 'rude' with my facial expressions and threatening me with the police if I didn't get out. Reading this was like stepping back into that experience - it is confusing, you keep going over it, wondering if they're right about you. 

Also coming from a similar family background/childhood as you, you do feel defective and think it's your fault. But it isn't at all. The issue is with these people. I mean, there's this guy and my ex, both done pretty much the same thing, but they're total strangers? So the issue cannot be US, can it? I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's horrible. And for people asking why you stayed for three months - well, you never see something like this coming. It's so unusual and random that you don't expect someone to act like this.

[pinkpaw]

2 hours ago, homecoming said:

This very same thing happened to me - my ex blew up at me in front of other people, claiming I'd disrespected them by being 'rude' with my facial expressions and threatening me with the police if I didn't get out. Reading this was like stepping back into that experience - it is confusing, you keep going over it, wondering if they're right about you. 

Also coming from a similar family background/childhood as you, you do feel defective and think it's your fault. But it isn't at all. The issue is with these people. I mean, there's this guy and my ex, both done pretty much the same thing, but they're total strangers? So the issue cannot be US, can it? I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's horrible. And for people asking why you stayed for three months - well, you never see something like this coming. It's so unusual and random that you don't expect someone to act like this.

These people are very treacherous and dangerous...insidious damage done in a drip drip effect until the recipient no longer recognises any part of themselves.

[stillafool]

The key is the FIRST time they treat you with disrespect leave and don't come back expecting them to change.  Just be gone.

[astutise]

8 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Oh dear god how did you put up with that for three months? More importantly, why did you put up with it for three months? He is clearly not a mentally healthy person. Yowsa!

He conveniently left out this side of him for the first 2 months. When it first happened, I was so taken aback - as someone said above, its so bizarre and random that i just didn't know what to do. Should've left at that point. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, astutise said:

He conveniently left out this side of him for the first 2 months. When it first happened, I was so taken aback - as someone said above, its so bizarre and random that i just didn't know what to do. Should've left at that point. 

Oh these narcissists always hide their true selves at first. I’ve fallen for the same act from men myself. I listened to a Podcast on iTunes today called “Heal, Grow, Evolve with Kim” MHNR Network, LLC. The episode is titled, “You’re Not Attracting Narcissists, But Maybe Narcissists Are Attracting You.”  

One thing she highlights that I agree with, is that there is a misleading belief in all the pop psychology about Narcissists which is that if you’re empathic it’s YOU who attracts the narcissist. But turns out, that’s false. Narcissists attract empathic people and non-empathic people to them, by triggering the person’s need to repeat their trauma bonding pattern that they learned from their childhood. It’s called “repetition compulsion.” We are drawn to situations that trigger trauma from our childhoods. So we are unconsciously drawn to toxic partners, as a desire to return to an earlier state of things. We expose ourselves compulsively to situations that trigger the original trauma that damaged us. So, we don’t attract narcissists. Narcissists look out for “green lights” in the preliminary stages of a relationship that signal that we will be a good supply to them. 

[astutise]

17 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Oh these narcissists always hide their true selves at first. I’ve fallen for the same act from men myself. I listened to a Podcast on iTunes today called “Heal, Grow, Evolve with Kim” MHNR Network, LLC. The episode is titled, “You’re Not Attracting Narcissists, But Maybe Narcissists Are Attracting You.”  

One thing she highlights that I agree with, is that there is a misleading belief in all the pop psychology about Narcissists which is that if you’re empathic it’s YOU who attracts the narcissist. But turns out, that’s false. Narcissists attract empathic people and non-empathic people to them, by triggering the person’s need to repeat their trauma bonding pattern that they learned from their childhood. It’s called “repetition compulsion.” We are drawn to situations that trigger trauma from our childhoods. So we are unconsciously drawn to toxic partners, as a desire to return to an earlier state of things. We expose ourselves compulsively to situations that trigger the original trauma that damaged us. So, we don’t attract narcissists. Narcissists look out for “green lights” in the preliminary stages of a relationship that signal that we will be a good supply to them. 

I can see how this can be true. When I am in a clearer state, I'd like to delve into this and see what I can learn about my blindspots to grow from it. 

People are probably gonna chastise me for saying this but I'm beginning to feel anxious and miss him and going over all the details again...I know, it was the right thing to do and don't miss the bad parts but its hard to just switch off feelings for the person i thought he was..is, i don't know??

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/23/2020 at 1:24 PM, astutise said:

People are probably gonna chastise me for saying this but I'm beginning to feel anxious and miss him and going over all the details again...I know, it was the right thing to do and don't miss the bad parts but its hard to just switch off feelings for the person i thought he was..is, i don't know??

That's normal in these situations, and it's exactly the reason so many people stay with toxic partners. 

They get hooked on the good times, the fun memories and want to believe that's who this person really. is. And it is, to a degree - but so is all the dark side. It's hard to reconcile those two sides of a person when you're fresh out of a relationship like this. Keep in mind that what you saw is probably just the tip of the iceberg. He'd only just stopped filtering himself and holding himself back with you, so I can nearly guarantee that it gets worse with this guy. He was getting comfortable showing you his true colours - thank goodness you recognized that is not normal and got out when you did.

Remember that when you start missing him: the good bits are accompanied by much deeper dysfunction and instability. Sticking around would have meant you got a lot more familiar with that instability and pain. 

[vla1120]

On 9/20/2020 at 1:05 PM, astutise said:

The counsellor mentioned that she saw traits of 'covert narcissism' - apparently these traits are about being super severely sensitive to any hint of criticism and when i exclaimed that i simply couldn't understand the restaurant incident, she said 'in his mind, due to his narcissism, he genuinely believes the waiters and other diners take notice of him and care about him and everything that is happening concerning him and are evaluating him so he needs to make sure he looks good'.

I mean....If this is true, and some people really do believe things like this when attending restaurant, then I am at a loss of words. 

I was just about to chime in and tell you his reactions sound like my late husband's reactions. That was six years of absolute hell. He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder while we were going to marriage counseling. Your boyfriend displayed quite a few of the same behaviors. Be lucky that you got out when you did and don't look back!

[astutise]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's normal in these situations, and it's exactly the reason so many people stay with toxic partners. 

They get hooked on the good times, the fun memories and want to believe that's who this person really. is. And it is, to a degree - but so is all the dark side. It's hard to reconcile those two sides of a person when you're fresh out of a relationship like this. Keep in mind that what you saw is probably just the tip of the iceberg. He'd only just stopped filtering himself and holding himself back with you, so I can nearly guarantee that it gets worse with this guy. He was getting comfortable showing you his true colours - thank goodness you recognized that is not normal and got out when you did.

Remember that when you start missing him: the good bits are accompanied by much deeper dysfunction and instability. Sticking around would have meant you got a lot more familiar with that instability and pain. 

Its so true! I've stayed strong and NOT caved in to the difficult confusing feelings when they come. Regardless of how the good times were, I can't deny its not normal to be treated this way and the anxiety/fear of the next outburst is NOT how I want to live my life. And also, you're so right - staying around for longer means more familiarity with the instability which means: a longer and more torturous healing process. I mean, if its already caused me anxiety and fear after such a short space of time, god only knows what will happen with more and more exposure - probably insomnia, complete lack of self-worth, increased self-doubt etc. 

[astutise]

13 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I was just about to chime in and tell you his reactions sound like my late husband's reactions. That was six years of absolute hell. He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder while we were going to marriage counseling. Your boyfriend displayed quite a few of the same behaviors. Be lucky that you got out when you did and don't look back!

I'm sorry you had to experience 6 years of that. I can only imagine....1 month of being shown this unpleasant behaviour already hit a dent, I can't imagine your pain. I hope you have been able to get solace and recovery since then. 

Gosh, these personality disorders do seem to be the same old story with each perpetrator, they act so similarly. My mum is one and i couldn't help but be reminded of her when he went off on his rants and tantrums. Creepy.