Just feeling aimless.

[Pascal14]

Hey everyone,

I honestly don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I've been reading this forum for years but never really posted anything. I guess I'm hoping it might make me feel better. Anyway...

Ever since my father passed away years ago, I have felt completely lost. He was sick basically all of my life (I'm 30 now) so for as long as I can remember, we always used to take care of him.

The last 30 years were very rough for him (two brain aneurysms, cancer,  broke his hip, genetic disorder, I can go on) yet he NEVER complained (he was all there mind-wise thankfully). He was very short-tempered in the beginning (I mean, who wouldn't be in his shoes) but that went away in the later years.

Because of this, we grew up kinda poor but thankfully, we had a bit of help from a couple of close relatives,  and I would say I had a happy childhood for the most part.

I never treated him as a disabled person tbh, we would talk, laugh, fight, basically a normal father-son relationship. I never got the chance to "play catch" or do any sort of those activities with him but I'm not complaining.

I left home at 18 to study abroad. I just wanted to have my own life I guess. I would come home twice a year. When I started my first job (in yet another country), he was very proud of me. I made good money. All this time I had a goal in mind, make sure we have enough savings for whatever happened. A couple of years later, the worse happened, he got really sick and my mom called me, letting me know I have to come back asap. This is when I cried in public for the first time in my adult life, and at work at that. I flew home that evening.

He lasted 2 weeks after that. We tried everything but I guess he was tired of fighting in the end (he couldn't even walk the last few years). At that point, I had to be strong. My mom, who stood by him all these years, was just a mess. So I helped her as much as I could. I  still remember having to declare on paper my inheritance.  It was basically a blank paper,  and I was crying when I signed it. I'm sure he wished he could have left me something but through no fault of his own, he couldn't.

After that, I quit my job, travelled again, found a new job. That lasted 2 years. Again, quit, travelled, now in a new job/country. It's like hitting reset on my life I guess. I keep hoping "OK, THIS time I'll be happy". The high lasts for a few months, but it just comes crashing down again after.

I can't hold a relationship as well, It starts well but I always end up pushing them away. I just feel bitter... guilty. I left home at 18, I know now it was just to run away. I could have been with him all this time but choose not to. During that time, his friends that would come to wish him well, all passed away before him ironically.

Yet I was happily living my life far from it all. Obviously, my mother would not call me when something was wrong, he would tell her to not bother me. 

It's been 4 years now since his death. I miss him, I also feel aimless. It was easy before, we needed money so I had to earn it. Now, I go to work, workout frequently, I'm in decent shape I guess. But I honestly don't remember the last time I was happy. Every time I get a taste of it, I just close up and feel guilty. I am atheist so for me, there's nothing after. This is all that we have. Yet for him, half his life was just pain and suffering.

Lately I've been going out with a girl. It's been a few months but we decided to just keep it casual. She's kind though. She is sharp as well, she noticed that deep down, something was always bothering me. So she asked, frequently. I would tell her some stuff but no big details. I don't think I've told the whole story to anyone. I feel like people have enough on their plates (her as well) to listen to my bulls***. I help her when she needs it, listen to her when she needs it. But when it comes to people helping me? I've always felt like I'm just bothering them or wasting their time.

My problems are by no means unique, a lot of people have it so much worse. Who the f*** am I to complain. I don't get to play the victim.

I think It doesn't help that I feel like I'm not anyone's priority. I have friends, some old and some new. I like all of them. I'm very social when out I would say. I'm just not anyone's priority. An example is when a friend was having trouble with his gf, we would call me everyday to complain about her and I would listen and try to help.. until they made up. After that, I texted him to complain about something , and he just called me childish. I didn't reply... he hasn't reached out since.

This year hasn't been great for me as well, I caught the coronavirus while on a work trip. I live alone so it was difficult at first. A real good friend of mine is a Pulmonologist, he was calling me everyday (he's in a different country) to make sure I was OK. I really appreciated him for that. 

I just don't know anymore. I will not lie, suicide did pop up a few times in my head. I love my mom too much to do this to her though so I never took it seriously. Music is a great remedy, I always have headphones with music playing when I'm alone. It helps a lot.

Why am I writing all of this? I honestly don't know... I just realised that this post is already long enough. Anyway, thanks for reading

[charlie007]

Sorry for your loss. Never had an emotional connection with my Dad. He was there and we'd laugh from time to time but

he wasn't "there" for me when I needed it.

*Consider talking with a therapist if at the very least, once or twice.

That being said, from what you're saying, it seems like you DO KNOW that you can overcome this (i.e. knowing that there

might be people going through much worse in the world than you are) and you probably don't want to be wallowing and

feeling in the dark. Who does? But don't brush off your feelings, it's perfectly fine to feel the way you do. But, I'm at least 

pleased that you know, you're aware. 

 

Why are you writing this? Because you want closure or a direction. That's why. No one likes to feel lost. I'm in a current situation

right now where I KNOW what to do to solve my big problem but it just all feels so overwhelming. I don't want to fail as a friend,

parent, husband. But, I'm aware enough to know that I have options and resources and if I just got out of my own head and jotted

down a plan for fixing my situation and stuck to it, I'd win.

 

Edited October 5, 2020 by charlie007

[Caauug]

On 9/21/2020 at 2:54 AM, Pascal14 said:

My problems are by no means unique, a lot of people have it so much worse. Who the f*** am I to complain. I don't get to play the victim.

You are correct.

There is a program here in Australia "R U OK?" they really push it for mine workers working remotely FIFO as suicide is a problem and along with male mental heath being separated from your family (Where I see you at). I suggest you check it out, (mental health is mental health), you need help.

You are not alone, there are many like you. This is big, you really need to get help. This was your first step. I wish I could give you answers, I can not. Keep reaching out.....

My best Mate says about "Regret" : "You made the best decision, with the knowledge you had, at that time".