What do I do?

[IainOliver]

Hi all. 
 

I had an affair. Physical and very emotional. I know I have to make things work at home. We have two very young children and I can’t put them through what I went through which was a broken home. 
I confessed all to my wife. We are trying to make things work for the sake of our kids. 
So here is my Q. The OW isn’t on any sort of social media, she hates things like that so my only connection to her is her number. Do I keep it or do I delete it?

[ExpatInItaly]

50 minutes ago, IainOliver said:

I confessed all to my wife. We are trying to make things work for the sake of our kids. 
So here is my Q. The OW isn’t on any sort of social media, she hates things like that so my only connection to her is her number. Do I keep it or do I delete it?

Why on earth would you keep it if you're genuinely trying to work on your marriage?

Keeping it would indicate your heart isn't really into a full reconciliation with your wife. You need to dig deep and ask yourself if you want to stay married, because from the little you've written, it doesn't sounds like you're staying for the right reasons. Keeping any door open to your OW means you're being insincere to yourself and your wife. 

[IainOliver]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why on earth would you keep it if you're genuinely trying to work on your marriage?

Keeping it would indicate your heart isn't really into a full reconciliation with your wife. You need to dig deep and ask yourself if you want to stay married, because from the little you've written, it doesn't sounds like you're staying for the right reasons. Keeping any door open to your OW means you're being insincere to yourself and your wife. 

Thank you for responding to my Q. Yes I have a complicated situation at home, I don’t feel ready to go into it right now but maybe as I get more comfortable on here I will. My two trains of thought are as follows and please feel free to let me know what you think:

1) if I didn’t care about the ow it would be very easy to delete?

2) would I keep it for no reason and just have it in my phone and not use or does that come under leaving the door open

[schlumpy]

True reconciliation cannot happen if the affair is ongoing. That's just a fact.

Your unwillingness to give up her number would indicate that it is.

[IainOliver]

1 minute ago, schlumpy said:

True reconciliation cannot happen if the affair is ongoing. That's just a fact.

Your unwillingness to give up her number would indicate that it is.

To be honest it’s only been a month since we spoke

[understand50]

Delete the the damn thing.  The only way forward is to forget the OW, and concentrate on your wife a family.  Something you did not do during your affair.  Keeping this number will blow up in your face, as after your wife has time to think, it will be an issue of why your are still in "contact" even if you have not really talked to the OM.

 

I wish you luck...

[IainOliver]

10 minutes ago, understand50 said:

Delete the the damn thing.  The only way forward is to forget the OW, and concentrate on your wife a family.  Something you did not do during your affair.  Keeping this number will blow up in your face, as after your wife has time to think, it will be an issue of why your are still in "contact" even if you have not really talked to the OM.

 

I wish you luck...

Would you say that even though we haven’t really spoken recently, keeping the number there means I will speak to her again? 

[RebeccaR]

Delete it. If you and your wife can’t work things out despite best efforts and end up divorcing, you can find your AP then. I doubt there’s absolutely no way to find her. You probably know where she works and the name of at least one friend or family member. The reason you don’t want to delete it is because you’re still very emotionally attached.

I have my doubts about whether you really want to work things out with your wife, given the way you described it (for the sake of the kids). How is the reconciliation going? 

Edited September 21, 2020 by RebeccaR
Typo

[IainOliver]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Delete it. If you and your wife can’t work things out despite best efforts and end up divorcing, you can find your AP then. I doubt there’s absolutely no way to find her. You probably know where she works and the name of at least one friend or family member. The reason you don’t want to delete it is because you’re still very emotionally attached.

I have my doubts about whether you really want to work things out with your wife, given the way you described it (for the sake of the kids). How is the reconciliation going? 

There are very young children involved and I can’t put them through what I went through so I know I have to put my happiness to one side. We’ve been unhappy for a long time and even had another baby in that time which was more my wife’s idea than mine but I caved because I felt like I had no other option (at this point I should say I love my children more than anything). 
if there wasn’t that emotional attachment there would you say it would be easy for me to delete her number?

i feel like I can’t be committed to my wife whilst I still have her number because regardless of whether we are speaking right now as long as her number is there, she is still there. Does that make sense? Look forward to your thoughts 

[understand50]

23 minutes ago, IainOliver said:

Would you say that even though we haven’t really spoken recently, keeping the number there means I will speak to her again? 

Yes, do you realize just how much pain you have inflected upon your wife?   Any hint of keep in touch with the OW, will just bring more pain, and perhaps lead her to leaving you.  Remember, she is in the drivers seat.  She has to forgive you, and give you the present of a second chance.   You seem self centered, in that this is only happening  to you.  No, you inflected this upon your wife and family.  Get you head out of your A$$ and read the top pined posting, to get some idea about how to go about atoning for your transgressions.  It is you that is asking, hoping for,  a second chance, not just being ready to go on with the  marriage, along as you can keep artifacts of your affair.  I was cheated on, if my wife had kept ANY thing,  item, phone number, email address, even at this late date, it would be over. At this point, if I was your wife, I would not believe that we would have a life going forward.

I wish you luck, as you are going to need it, but remember, one must make their own luck most of the time.

 

[IainOliver]

2 minutes ago, understand50 said:

Yes, do you realize just how much pain you have inflected upon your wife?   Any hint of keep in touch with the OW, will just bring more pain, and perhaps lead her to leaving you.  Remember, she is in the drivers seat.  She has to forgive you, and give you the present of a second chance.   You seem self centered, in that this is only happening  to you.  No, you inflected this upon your wife and family.  Get you head out of your A$$ and read the top pined posting, to get some idea about how to go about atoning for your transgressions.  It is you that is asking, hoping for,  a second chance, not just being ready to go on with the  marriage, along as you can keep artifacts of your affair.  I was cheated on, if my wife had kept ANY thing,  item, phone number, email address, even at this late date, it would be over. At this point, if I was your wife, I would not believe that we would have a life going forward.

I wish you luck, as you are going to need it, but remember, one must make their own luck most of the time.

 

Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve been through this 

[understand50]

3 minutes ago, IainOliver said:

Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve been through this 

OK, it is not about me.  It is about you.  You need to delete the number, and you also need to let your wife she is safe with you.  Her being safe is that you do nothing that even hints, you are in contact with your AP.  You must also be wholly transparent with her.  Your cell phone, your email address, your time, and location.  All of these need to be done, and if successful, will taper off.  It will take time, but you need to ask yourself, just how much are you willing to do to save your marriage?   It does not look like much at this point.

I wish you luck...

[IainOliver]

1 minute ago, understand50 said:

OK, it is not about me.  It is about you.  You need to delete the number, and you also need to let your wife she is safe with you.  Her being safe is that you do nothing that even hints, you are in contact with your AP.  You must also be wholly transparent with her.  Your cell phone, your email address, your time, and location.  All of these need to be done, and if successful, will taper off.  It will take time, but you need to ask yourself, just how much are you willing to do to save your marriage?   It does not look like much at this point.

I wish you luck...

I know. Would me keeping the number but never use make any sense at all? 

[understand50]

1 minute ago, IainOliver said:

I know. Would me keeping the number but never use make any sense at all? 

No, it just would not.  Keeping it is just selfish and has great potential to hurt those you say you love.  I think, that you need to look at your motives on why you would like to keep the number.  That question may tell you a lot on just where you are right now.  You need to start studying on what path you need to follow to save your marriage.  You seem like a guy stuck on the railroad tracks with a train bearing down, and not sure if you are in danger, or what your next steps are to save yourself.  Look, I hope you have not done this before, so start reading and trying to find out what needs to be done. 

I wrote this some time ago, maybe it may help you.  It is just my opinion, and I am not trying to say I have any answers, or that my life experience is for everyone.

All,

In the English language, Remorse means the following:

noun, deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.

So from a strictly literal grammatical point of view, remorse, is just a handy way of stating that you have regret, shame, guilt and so fourth for your actions. I think for us here, a larger meaning is evident. We have had many give their personal meaning from Mrs J.A, to Merrmeade, Shattered Lady, and others. Each has a take, and "knows" what this means, but in relating gives a twist.

Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

Of course, there are limits. I would say, physical harm, or loss of human dignity should not be offered, or accepted, but the one who has trespassed, must be willing to put the other ahead of them in the relationship.

My two cents.

 

I wish you luck.

[Ellener]

12 minutes ago, IainOliver said:

I know. Would me keeping the number but never use make any sense at all? 

Depends why you keep it.

I know you don't want to break up your marriage, but it sounds like you deep down really do.

 

 

[IainOliver]

1 minute ago, Ellener said:

Depends why you keep it.

I know you don't want to break up your marriage, but it sounds like you deep down really do.

 

 

This is what I’m trying to figure out in my head..what reason I’d have for keeping it. If I kept it and never used, there would be no point in keeping it and I think the only reason to keep it would be to get in contact with her unless you can think of any other reason to keep her number? Honestly all comments are welcome 

[Bittersweetie]

As a fWW who confessed...delete the number. For two reasons:

1. If your wife goes into your phone, or finds out another way, that you still have OW's number, it will say to her that you are not serious about making things work with her. Because if you were, you would've gotten rid of all points of contact and fully committed to her.

2. Deleting the number will prevent any breaks of NC. Picture this: it's been a hard day with your wife. You are upset and feeling sorry for yourself. You think, it's no big deal if I just send one text to say hi. So you do. And then what happens? Don't fall back into the hole that you are slowly climbing out of.

As you can imagine, your wife doesn't trust you at all right now...not a word coming out of your mouth, not anything you do. That is understandable. So you need to rebuild trust and integrity in tiny, small steps through your words and actions. It's like putting a penny in a piggy bank the size of a truck. And one way to do that, if you want to rebuild your marriage, is to delete the OW's number.

Good luck.

Edited September 21, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[IainOliver]

13 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

As a fWW who confessed...delete the number. For two reasons:

1. If your wife goes into your phone, or finds out another way, that you still have OW's number, it will say to her that you are not serious about making things work with her. Because if you were, you would've gotten rid of all points of contact and fully committed to her.

2. Deleting the number will prevent any breaks of NC. Picture this: it's been a hard day with your wife. You are upset and feeling sorry for yourself. You think, it's no big deal if I just send one text to say hi. So you do. And then what happens? Don't fall back into the hole that you are slowly climbing out of.

As you can imagine, your wife doesn't trust you at all right now...not a word coming out of your mouth, not anything you do. That is understandable. So you need to rebuild trust and integrity in tiny, small steps through your words and actions. It's like putting a penny in a piggy bank the size of a truck. And one way to do that, if you want to rebuild your marriage, is to delete the OW's number.

Good luck.

Thank you for your viewpoint can I ask, did you delete yours? My wife thinks I’ve deleted the number but I haven’t. Would you say that keeping the number is keeping the door open? 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, IainOliver said:

This is what I’m trying to figure out in my head..what reason I’d have for keeping it. If I kept it and never used, there would be no point in keeping it and I think the only reason to keep it would be to get in contact with her unless you can think of any other reason to keep her number? Honestly all comments are welcome 

Look, if you really want to save your marriage, there's no reason why you should turn something as straightforward as deleting all your lover's info into an extended mind-reading session/philosophical debate on a discussion forum.

You need to figure out whether you really want to save your marriage then take full responsibility for your decision (whatever it is) and engage in actions that are consistent with it. Whatever you do, don't look to other people to justify your actions for you. 

Edited September 21, 2020 by Acacia98

[IainOliver]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Look, if you really want to save your marriage, there's no reason why you should turn something as straightforward as deleting all your lover's info into an extended mind-reading session/philosophical debate on a discussion forum.

You need to figure out whether you really want to save your marriage then take full responsibility for your decision (whatever it is) and engage in actions that are consistent with it. Whatever you do, don't look to other people to justify your actions for you. 

I’m not looking for anyone to ‘justify my actions’. Nor am I looking for a ‘philosophical discussion’. If deleting the number was ‘straightforward’ don’t you think I’d have done so already? I’m asking people and people have been more than forthcoming and honest with me about their opinions on what they think I should do. I obviously am struggling otherwise I’d have deleted it and not be asking strangers about it. Thanks for the comment. 

[Acacia98]

3 minutes ago, IainOliver said:

I’m not looking for anyone to ‘justify my actions’. Nor am I looking for a ‘philosophical discussion’. If deleting the number was ‘straightforward’ don’t you think I’d have done so already? I’m asking people and people have been more than forthcoming and honest with me about their opinions on what they think I should do. I obviously am struggling otherwise I’d have deleted it and not be asking strangers about it. Thanks for the comment. 

Honestly, I wouldn't ordinarily have responded to a discussion like the one you initiated here. But you did say all comments were welcome. So that was mine.

Deleting the number is straightforward IF you want to end the affair. Folks who want to have their cake and eat it do what you're doing.

[IainOliver]

4 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Honestly, I wouldn't ordinarily have responded to a discussion like the one you initiated here. But you did say all comments were welcome. So that was mine.

Deleting the number is straightforward IF you want to end the affair. Folks who want to have their cake and eat it do what you're doing.

I hate that saying. Having cake and eating it. Don’t you think if I was happy at home I’d have deleted her number? 

Yep you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head saying it’s straightforward if I want it to be over. What I’m trying to work out is if there is any other reason for keeping it other than keeping a door open. 

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, IainOliver said:

Thank you for your viewpoint can I ask, did you delete yours? My wife thinks I’ve deleted the number but I haven’t. Would you say that keeping the number is keeping the door open? 

Yes I did. Right away. And the fact that you are letting your wife think you deleted the number says a lot about you right now. How do you think she will feel when/if she learns that you did not do what you said you would do?

Think about the kind of person you want to be. You lied and cheated, and you are continuing to lie. Is that who you want to be? If not, then make a change. Will changes be quick or easy? Probably not. Recovering from an affair and rebuilding my marriage is the hardest path I have ever walked and it required me looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for what I did. It required my digging deep inside to find out why I thought what I did was okay. And it required doing whatever I could to make my husband feel safe while he worked on his own healing. Yet on the other side, I am much happier living honestly and authentically than I ever was in the affair. 

[schlumpy]

This is shaping up to be an exit affair.

[elaine567]

IMO you are keeping the number as
a) it is a link to your AP that you do not want to sever, ie like keeping an old photo, a letter or a keepsake.
b) an insurance policy, your affair is something you can pick up again if you need to. 
c) something you cannot give up as you KNOW you will want to restart the affair at some point.
d) as a small revenge on your wife or a rebellion. She may think she has you "under control" but you know she hasn't as you can still contact your AP at any time if you feel like it....
e) you simply don't want to delete it.
etc. etc. 

I think you should divorce as kids know when Mommy and Daddy have a big secret like infidelity to hide.
You will not be doing them any favours by sticking around and pining for your AP and what might have been.....