Am I a such a horrible sister?

[AriannaDL]

Hello my name is Arianna and i am 22 years old.

I am extremely sorry for my bad English, in several occasions i even used Google translation.
For obvious reasons i wont write any other name except mine.
I have to apologize because in the beginning i had no intention to write such a long text but as i kept on writing i realized that my story was kinda intriguing.

So …

In high school, there were 2 boys that were known among all the girls as «the first» and «the second». To this day it’s still on a debate who was the first and who was the second. Being best friends from the first year and two of the few boys that had bikes (only few students had) made them the two most popular boys in the school when they reached third year. Not to mention their looks, very similar to each other, same height, black hair, same body shape and both were in the school’s football team. Their group of friends consisted of several boys but the two of them were the main ones. The typical bad boys, a constant headache for the principal. Fights, cigarettes, badmouthing, even «rumors» of sexual acts with some girls in the toilets, etc. They may have caused many troubles (there was one time when the principal punished our whole class for those two) but they were just kept on laughing about it, making our high school life a funny and a happy place. They were also voted to be members of the student’s «15 members» council. And being a member of that council made them organize our «5 day school trip». (By the way everyone in our country knows that this «5 day school trip» is nothing more than a «defloration» mostly for girls)

Near the end of the season i decide to make a move on the «first». Yes, i was virgin back then and i was in love with him. He seemed so cool. It was only natural back then for me wanting him to be my first. But there was a «little» problem that was holding back my plans. The «second» one. Or should I say, my twin brother. Because being the «5 minutes» older sister of your love interest’s best friend is not an easy thing.
Anyway, when I found the chance and asked him about his feelings towards me he told me that among the first things my brother told him were:
«Whatever you do … DO NOT MESS WITH MY TWIN» Knowing my brother I already knew that he would feel that way. But almost ever girl was in love with those two and most of them had already experienced a «complete» relationship. Except me of course. It felt so unfair.
At this point i have to say that besides the obvious disadvantage i had, i also had some advantages.
1) He came many times to our home and we talked sometimes (nothing special of course)
2) While i was riding on the back of my brother’s bike on our way for home he was usually joining us riding his bike next to ours and i hear their talks every time there was a red light, thus learning more information about him.
3) There was also a time when we had to do a common exercise at home. Me, my bestie and those two. Obviously the boys didn’t do anything except on keeping us company and make us laugh with their jokes. But we had a pretty good time back then.
Anyway, when i made the move, i expressed my feelings and told him i wanna try to have a secret relationship with him and see if it’s gonna work. He also admitted that he kept on suppressing his feeling towards me and right now (at that time) he is confused. I kept on playing with him with my eyes while we were on our bikes, staring at him, blinking an eye, giving him smiles etc. I even kissed him in the mouth one time when he was in my home. And the day came when he approached me by himself and told me he accepts my «offer». All of our dates were kms away from our typical spots for obvious reasons. The problem was that we couldn’t have sex, since neither i could go in his house, neither he could come to mine. So after almost 3 weeks of making out at some random parks of the city, the time for the «5 day school trip» came. The destination was a lovely 5 * grand hotel with a big pool. He purposely choose my room to be on the 2nd floor because he and my brother were on the same room on the 1st floor. At the second night the «second one» was «busy» with a girl so the «first» decided that this is our chance. He came to my room while my bestie, in order to help me, went on sleeping in another room that night. That was it, we were finally alone in the same room with a bed.
But, then something happened to me i cannot describe it. I started to cry for an unknown reason. I think i had stress. I just couldn’t do it. At that time i felt like i didn’t want to. There was something wrong with me? I ‘ll never know. He kept on trying to calm me down. Telling me not to worry that much about it and things like that. After almost an hour he continued on pushing me to have sex. He kept on kissing my body, touching me and trying to undress me. I told him to stop. He continued. I yelled at him:
 «STOP IT !!»
He said a very dissatisfying «ok», dressed up and exited the room without saying anything. The whole night i kept on crying and cursing myself about that. I couldn’t believe i missed such a chance. He didn’t spoke with me for the next 2 days/nights. There was only one night left and i said to myself: It has to be tonight.
I went to their room in the evening supposedly asking my twin something and gave him (the «first» one) a secret message. (I didn’t wanna use messenger those 3 weeks to communicate with him because i was too afraid of getting caught). Well, he got the message and he came to my room at the exact time as i told him to. We didn’t said almost anything. He immediately started to kiss and undress me. Then we lied on the bed completely naked. Before doing the «main event» we ve done some «preliminary» things. But anyway, here we are. As he puts his condom and comes over me i … hesitated. My heart was beating very fast i couldn’t control it. I just hesitated and started to cry again. He tried to calm me down with his words but still. I couldn’t do it. I got up and was putting my clothes on, he tried to stop me from doing it, so i accidentally slapped his hands telling him to let me go. We started arguing for almost half an hour and the conversation went like this:

- What exactly do you want from me? Do you even know?
- I already told you, this doesn’t feel right. 
- That was your idea, this f***ing secret relationship. And all those f***ing rendezvous. I never wanted to mess with you in the first place.
- Oh really, and why did you came here then?
- You ‘re just a shy little virgin who wanna act like a whore and nothing more.
- What are you doing here then?
- You know what? I ‘ve had enough. Not only i lost my 5 day trip without f***ing a chick like i should do, i am still losing my time trying to beat some sense to a stupid virgin like yourself.

And he exited the room. I was so mad about those words he said to me but i was also mad about myself. I knew that it’s also my fault things went like that. When we came back from the 5 day trip nothing really changed. That argument was our unofficial separation. While we were on the the plane for our return, my brother asked me why do i look so depressed. And the «first» one heard him and said: «she probably had a good time till now and is too sad that it’s finally over». I clearly perceived a bit of irony in his voice. But didn’t said anything.
Anyway after returning home we didn’t spoke to each other for the next 2 weeks. As we entered the «exam season», we had plenty of free time since we had to write only 1 exam test per day. I found a chance outside of the school under a tree and tried to have a talk with him believing he would still have feelings, while my twin was still writing the exam (he is always late) but … he had an unusual cocky attitude. He seemed so different, he told me that he already is f***ing another chick (yeah that’s exactly what he told me) but even if he hadn’t, there was no way he would come back and play hide and seek like a 12 years old retard, with an amateur wannabe bitch (his exact words). He also kept on mocking my virginity. I ‘ve had enough and without thinking i suddenly raise my hand and tried to slap him in the face but he countered me, turned me backwards and gave me a hard slap on the ass which made me tear up from the pain and fall down. He then yelled at me something like: «What are you going to do about it, bitch? Are you gonna bring your brother? Do it, i also have something to say to him about his sneaky sister and her cunning plans» and then he left. Some students may have seen and heard us but i wasn’t sure about that. Anyway i got up, crying and trying to hide my face from the public. I texted my brother telling him to go home without me because i didn’t want him to see me how messed up i was. I also told him i will go to my bestie’s home first to supposedly read for tomorrow’s exam test. While being there talking to my bestie about those events she came up with a crazy idea. In the beginning I didn’t want to do this but truth is i really wanted to exact revenge on him, somehow.
So, at about 23:00 pm i came home. I think my brother was reading for tomorrow’s exams. One of the few times he actually opens a book. At 4:00 am i pushed myself really hard, on purpose, and managed to tear up. Then i went to my brother’s room and woke him up. At first he thought something happened to our parents but i told him that this has to do with me. Then the conversation went like this:

- What is it? 
- Today, i was sexually assaulted.
- What did you say?
- I was sexually assaulted.
- If you’re kidding me, please …
- No.
- …
- …
- When and where?
- At school.
- By whom? A teacher???
- No, i didn’t told you yesterday because …
- BY WHOM??
- By $$$ (his name)
- WHAT ???

He wanted to get more info about it. I told him the details but mostly lies of course. But i ve kept the original ending as it was, i knew that someone had seen us. I also told him that this was not the first time he tried to hit on me. He has done it many times in the past. At school, at our home, in the «5 day school trip». But didn’t tell him before because i didn’t want their friendship to end etc. (Lies). My brother was so furious and angry he didn’t even waited till morning. I was acting as i wanted to keep him under control but he was too much. I told him not to tell our parents about it and he told me something like:
- Believe me that’s the last thing i want to do right now.
Anyway, after almost 40 minutes of arguing with him i eventually managed to forbid him riding the bike because i was afraid he could have an accident if he went riding in that condition. He went at school by buss i followed him and here we are outside of the school at 6:00 am. Me, and my "5 minutes" younger twin, with 2 cups of Freddo waiting. He kept on saying that he ‘ll kill him today or beat him to death and things like that. I told him not to believe anything that guy was about to say to him about me. Because he (the «first» one) already told me that if i revealed anything to my brother he would try to slander me. (And i had to prepare him for that)
As more people gathered, i texted my bestie to come earlier, it was her plan after all and i need someone (who knows everything) to support me. She and the other people confirmed to my brother the slap scene under the tree. Finally we saw him arriving with his bike on the scene, i told my brother that i don’t want to watch nor him not the things that about to happen. He told me, i don’t have to, so i went several meters away and sit on a bench far away from the scene. Everything i know from now on it’s because of my bestie telling me afterwards.
The moment he saw my brother walking towards him and staring at him he understood what was going on so he immediately asked him:
- What did she told you?
- Everything.
And then he rushed at him and kept on punching him in the face while some of the students tried to stop him. The «first» was trying to explain himself saying that he didn’t do anything to me. But my bestie yelled at him:
- Stop lying, there are people here who saw you slapping her butt and throwing her into the ground. Don’t try to deny it !!
- So what? That doesn’t even matters. It had nothing to do with what really happened between us.
Hearing that, my brother started swearing:
- You bastard, so you actually admit it? Do you really wanna die today, bitch? I am gonna rip your hands off just to make sure that you ‘ll never touch anything again !!
Then he rushed at him again with more force, knocked him down and kept on kicking him in the sides making him scream out of pain so much that even my bestie felt pity for him. After few minutes someone called the teachers and they came to stop him.
My brother was punished and had to write the exams in September again, but he didn’t even care. The «first» one had some scratches on his faces, a broken tooth, a nosebleed and some fractures. That incident was known among the students as the «civil war». Truth is, i personally loved the conclusion, everyone believed me. Our parents never knew what happened. My bond with my brother became even stronger. And of course the «first» one got what he deserved. I will never have to see him again, since that was our last year in high school. My bestie’s plan was successful.

So let’s return to 2020. I am a student in a university and i rent an apartment, with my bestie, almost 90 km away from my main home. My twin comes once in a while for the weekend to hang out with us. One Saturday he wanted to get us to a nice restaurant, that was the first time we went to a restaurant since the Quarantine was over. We ate and drank a lot that day. When we came home we watched some movies. My bestie was tired and wanted to sleep while me and my brother kept on talking about, the past, our memories etc. Then he told me something that made me feel horrible. He told me that after $$$’s «betrayal» he could never find a true friend again, because he couldn’t trust any man anymore. That is why he keeps on hanging out mostly with females. That moment i really wanted to tell him the truth but i couldn’t. I just told him:
«i am sorry»

So, my question is, should i someday tell him the truth? Does it really matters right now? Will he hate me? Will it change something?

[stillafool]

Yes since this was all your fault you should tell your brother the truth.  He may never have another best friend again.  You played games with that guy knowing he never wanted more from you than sex which you couldn't handle, nor should you because having sex the first time with him would be a mistake because he didn't want to be your boyfriend.  But your lies could have had him sent to jail, killed or your brother hurt and in trouble.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Definitely tell your brother the truth. 

What you did broke my heart reading about it. 

You need to make it right with your brother and with #1, both. Meaning you should apologize to both men. Prepare yourself that neither may be forgiving.

And do you have a Bible? If you don't, find one in a library to read from. Read the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-45. I believe you'll find it both intriguing and  helpful.

 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, AriannaDL said:

Truth is, i personally loved the conclusion, everyone believed me. Our parents never knew what happened. My bond with my brother became even stronger. And of course the «first» one got what he deserved. I will never have to see him again, since that was our last year in high school. My bestie’s plan was successful.

* * * 

So, my question is, should i someday tell him the truth? Does it really matters right now? Will he hate me? Will it change something?

You made a FALSE claim of sexual assault & you remain gleeful about it.  What you did was a CRIME.  You also make it harder for every true rape victim to be believed. 

You screwed up your brother's life.  You should tell him the truth but that is going to screw him up more when he realizes he believed the wrong one.  It will change everything because he's never going to get over your betrayal or how it cost him his BFF.  

Edited September 21, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack.

[AriannaDL]

Hello and thank you for your time

On 9/21/2020 at 4:09 PM, stillafool said:

Yes since this was all your fault you should tell your brother the truth.  He may never have another best friend again.  You played games with that guy knowing he never wanted more from you than sex which you couldn't handle, nor should you because having sex the first time with him would be a mistake because he didn't want to be your boyfriend.  But your lies could have had him sent to jail, killed or your brother hurt and in trouble.

 

21 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Definitely tell your brother the truth. 

What you did broke my heart reading about it. 

You need to make it right with your brother and with #1, both. Meaning you should apologize to both men. Prepare yourself that neither may be forgiving.

And do you have a Bible? If you don't, find one in a library to read from. Read the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-45. I believe you'll find it both intriguing and  helpful.

 

 

I didn’t actually knew that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend. I thought we could have a secret relationship for a short time (and let him be my first) and if everything was ok, he could eventually tell my brother about it and make him understand. But since the day he assaulted me, I couldn’t care less about him anymore. I realized he was just a scumbag.

 

@d0nnivain I am not trying to defend myself and my actions but, I think slapping me on the ass in such degree that made me fall down and tear up, pretty much counts as a sexual assault, right? I may painted the picture to be more extreme than it actually was but still he wasn’t innocent.

And truth is, I posted my story to other forums too, in order to get as many different opinions as I could and it’s kinda weird that many people keep telling this:

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You made a FALSE claim of sexual assault & you remain gleeful about it.  What you did was a CRIME.  You also make it harder for every true rape victim to be believed. 

 

I mean, I am 100% sure that he would actually rape me in the hotel if there weren’t any people that could possibly hear me shouting for help. Does this means a rapist is not a rapist since he lost his chance to rape? 🤔

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You screwed up your brother's life.  You should tell him the truth but that is going to screw him up more when he realizes he believed the wrong one.  It will change everything because he's never going to get over your betrayal or how it cost him his BFF.  

 

Well, this is what I 've actually been try to avoid so ... how is that going to help? Just to make clear, i never lied to my twin for such serious issues, that was my first and only time. I am not a fan of lying, but right now i cannot understand what could we both possibly gain from the truth? 🤔

[stillafool]

One thing that could be gained by telling the truth is your brother will be able to repair his relationship with his best friend and clear up your lie.  Also if you don't want to be sexually assaulted don't invite a guy into your room twice for sex.  You set him up and then cried wolf which is wrong.  You were angry because this guy didn't want you for more than the sex which you offered.  It isn't fair that your brother thinks bad of his friend because of your little set up and lie.  You need to make this right because one day your brother will find out the truth about you.

[d0nnivain]

47 minutes ago, AriannaDL said:

I mean, I am 100% sure that he would actually rape me in the hotel if there weren’t any people that could possibly hear me shouting for help. Does this means a rapist is not a rapist since he lost his chance to rape? 🤔

You cannot rape the willing. 

You started all this. You proposed the "secret relationship."  You invited him into your hotel room that 1st time.  He left when you cried & couldn't go through with it.  You invited him into you hotel room a 2nd time & got NAKED with him.   

Seriously WTF did you think was going to happen?  You said you wanted him to be your 1st.  You told him that.  You begged him to come to the room with you.  

You changed your mind.  He -- being a relative young boy too -- did try to persuade you because you were playing stupid games.  You sent incredibly mixed signals but in the end this guy walked away.  He did not rape you  He never intended to rape you.  He showed up to have consensual sex with you because that it was you asked for.  

Then you came back a 3rd time.  No he should not have swatted you on the butt but I suspect that was more playful then intentionally violent.  He was upset too & probably misjudged the amount of force he was using.  Yes it was wrong but it was understandable.  You probably lost your balance too.  

You really need to stop trying to paint this guy as being at fault for the mess you created.  You asked for this.  He tried to stay away but you seduced him.  Seriously you give true rape victims a bad name & the BS that you pulled makes it harder for legitimate victims to be heard.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This story has so many chapters, and many of them are sad.

 

(pause so I can imagine such a school district with such a defloration  routine)

It made very much sense that you came to like the guy...  as much because you were each caused to seem more comfortable  with one another because of casual settings caused by your brother's friendship with the other guy.

In America, you'd either be in the semi intimate context of a high school dance  OR you'd be in some arena where you were (too afraid to go and speak to him).  There would be nothing typically in the way of a casual environment where you really got to know one another (the "Chess club" isn't exactly very popular with the popular girls ).

 

So it's very clear that your brother gave the other guy the...  mandate that he  "not mess with his twin (sister)".

 

The moment where you "started to cry for an unknown reason"  made me sad...  because it is very normal  with the way all of this came about... so much pressure...   often put there more by the guy than by yourself... but in this case, the BIG event (that was the trip)  had you pressured with anticipation for a long while.

 

IT really IS ok that your logical/romantic mind wanted to have sex with this guy during your (defloration trip)...    AND it is OK that he was reeeeeeeeeeeally frustrated when you were unable to complete what you wanted.  He eventually did the right thing by respecting your wishes.   (Had both of you been 20 years older, each would have better understood what happened to you in the moment of truth)

You did, also, attempt to assault him, and then he in turn DID assault you in front of many witnesses.

He was wounded inside by perhaps having gotten his hopes up about you 2 or 3 times and from his vantage point it was only your seeming cruelty that caused this.

 

 

If you remove the word  "Sexually" from what you initially told your brother, then it was indisputably true.

Furthermore, some of your brother's rage connects to the part where he initially warned  "Do NOT mess with my twin".

 

 

And now, at the end, the question that you ask is even more challenging to consider than were so many of the small 'chapters' during the middle of the story.

 

The brother's special friendship with the other guy was there, and real, indeed...   BUT it was also a function of the unique path through school, where each year you're grouped with all of the kids your age... only to press forward and move to the next grade a year later.

SO it made sense that your brother never since had a friend as close as that.  (the kinds of people you meet casually at the barber shop or the bowling alley are never around long enough to form the same kind of a bond)

 

Nobody has a police record as the result of any lie you told (although it could have been possible).

 

I'm not sure who will gain anything for your ever telling your brother the truth.

 

You did an inappropriate thing where it concerns male/female relationships...  in embellishing  to the point where it would fuel your brother to get-even for the many insults hurled at you by the other guy.

 

But I'm sure that the most important thing to a twin, is the bond with the other twin.  

 

And as the law is not involved, nor are any other people who are still in your circles, then I have to consider that it might be best to preserve the bond with your twin (through not telling him the truth).

 

As for you...  I...   hope that you have experienced sex in a setting where there wasn't so much pressure from any side, and that you could sense your own biology to be much more 'ready' for the experience than you were back during this story.

 

It really was not your fault when something didn't feel right on the 5-day trip... and somewhere in all of this is reason to feel that such trips are not in the best interests of people who are so eager to go on them at such a young age.

 

AT the end of it all...    you can always  TELL him...       but you will never be able to  UN-tell him,  once you have told him.

[AriannaDL]

On 9/22/2020 at 5:22 PM, stillafool said:

One thing that could be gained by telling the truth is your brother will be able to repair his relationship with his best friend and clear up your lie.  Also if you don't want to be sexually assaulted don't invite a guy into your room twice for sex.  You set him up and then cried wolf which is wrong.  You were angry because this guy didn't want you for more than the sex which you offered.  It isn't fair that your brother thinks bad of his friend because of your little set up and lie.  You need to make this right because one day your brother will find out the truth about you.

I am not sure if i want to repair their relationship. I just want to repair his current "problem"

On 9/22/2020 at 6:09 PM, d0nnivain said:

You cannot rape the willing. 

You started all this. You proposed the "secret relationship."  You invited him into your hotel room that 1st time.  He left when you cried & couldn't go through with it.  You invited him into you hotel room a 2nd time & got NAKED with him.   

Seriously WTF did you think was going to happen?  You said you wanted him to be your 1st.  You told him that.  You begged him to come to the room with you.  

You changed your mind.  He -- being a relative young boy too -- did try to persuade you because you were playing stupid games.  You sent incredibly mixed signals but in the end this guy walked away.  He did not rape you  He never intended to rape you.  He showed up to have consensual sex with you because that it was you asked for.  

Then you came back a 3rd time.  No he should not have swatted you on the butt but I suspect that was more playful then intentionally violent.  He was upset too & probably misjudged the amount of force he was using.  Yes it was wrong but it was understandable.  You probably lost your balance too.  

You really need to stop trying to paint this guy as being at fault for the mess you created.  You asked for this.  He tried to stay away but you seduced him.  Seriously you give true rape victims a bad name & the BS that you pulled makes it harder for legitimate victims to be heard.  

You' re giving me a hard time, you know that? :/

 

On 9/23/2020 at 1:04 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

This story has so many chapters, and many of them are sad.

 

(pause so I can imagine such a school district with such a defloration  routine)

It made very much sense that you came to like the guy...  as much because you were each caused to seem more comfortable  with one another because of casual settings caused by your brother's friendship with the other guy.

In America, you'd either be in the semi intimate context of a high school dance  OR you'd be in some arena where you were (too afraid to go and speak to him).  There would be nothing typically in the way of a casual environment where you really got to know one another (the "Chess club" isn't exactly very popular with the popular girls ).

 

So it's very clear that your brother gave the other guy the...  mandate that he  "not mess with his twin (sister)".

 

The moment where you "started to cry for an unknown reason"  made me sad...  because it is very normal  with the way all of this came about... so much pressure...   often put there more by the guy than by yourself... but in this case, the BIG event (that was the trip)  had you pressured with anticipation for a long while.

 

IT really IS ok that your logical/romantic mind wanted to have sex with this guy during your (defloration trip)...    AND it is OK that he was reeeeeeeeeeeally frustrated when you were unable to complete what you wanted.  He eventually did the right thing by respecting your wishes.   (Had both of you been 20 years older, each would have better understood what happened to you in the moment of truth)

You did, also, attempt to assault him, and then he in turn DID assault you in front of many witnesses.

He was wounded inside by perhaps having gotten his hopes up about you 2 or 3 times and from his vantage point it was only your seeming cruelty that caused this.

 

 

If you remove the word  "Sexually" from what you initially told your brother, then it was indisputably true.

Furthermore, some of your brother's rage connects to the part where he initially warned  "Do NOT mess with my twin".

 

 

And now, at the end, the question that you ask is even more challenging to consider than were so many of the small 'chapters' during the middle of the story.

 

The brother's special friendship with the other guy was there, and real, indeed...   BUT it was also a function of the unique path through school, where each year you're grouped with all of the kids your age... only to press forward and move to the next grade a year later.

SO it made sense that your brother never since had a friend as close as that.  (the kinds of people you meet casually at the barber shop or the bowling alley are never around long enough to form the same kind of a bond)

 

Nobody has a police record as the result of any lie you told (although it could have been possible).

 

I'm not sure who will gain anything for your ever telling your brother the truth.

 

You did an inappropriate thing where it concerns male/female relationships...  in embellishing  to the point where it would fuel your brother to get-even for the many insults hurled at you by the other guy.

 

But I'm sure that the most important thing to a twin, is the bond with the other twin.  

 

And as the law is not involved, nor are any other people who are still in your circles, then I have to consider that it might be best to preserve the bond with your twin (through not telling him the truth).

 

As for you...  I...   hope that you have experienced sex in a setting where there wasn't so much pressure from any side, and that you could sense your own biology to be much more 'ready' for the experience than you were back during this story.

 

It really was not your fault when something didn't feel right on the 5-day trip... and somewhere in all of this is reason to feel that such trips are not in the best interests of people who are so eager to go on them at such a young age.

 

AT the end of it all...    you can always  TELL him...       but you will never be able to  UN-tell him,  once you have told him.

I have to say your answer analyzed almost everything.

Yeah the bond with my twin is the most important to me right now, and yes i can always tell him but i will never be able to un-tell him, once i ve told him.

[AriannaDL]

Since the day I learn that his (first’s) “betrayal” still bothers my twin I am trying to search for different opinions through out the forums. So I decided to invite him this weekend and talk to him. Even thought i still do not know what I am going to tell him.

Anyway these days i have to tell you that i ‘ve seen many different views. There were people who told me that it has nothing to do with me anymore and right now it’s 100% my brother’s problem. Others told me it wasn’t my fault but his (the “first” one’s) calling him a prick etc. and bringing my twin to this was unnecessary. Others wanted to beat me and my bestie :) and finally the majority accused me for betrayal, lying, selfishness, being a manipulator, even a criminal and of course this:

“This is why women who DO get sexually assaulted are afraid of coming forward for fear of not being believed”

I am not saying I am perfect, not even a good person but I feel I have to explain myself giving you a bit more details so you could look at things deeper and from my point of view. So I ‘ll write 2 more paragraphs, including all the important stories I know regarding both of them, trying to analyze them and my relationship with them throughout time and different stages. And also my true feelings in the end.

 

My brother:

 

Typical, annoying, lazy, brother and mom’s favorite. Even though she argued with him a lot for many things like not being a good student, bad grades, playing video games etc. I always “had” to help him with his homework, not because he actually wanted to do them, but because mom were telling me to keep an eye on him and help him. She even told me once: “If he fails a class you’ll also stay with him”. Although I guess she didn't actually meant it. That’s why i was schooling him for not being able to “understand” sometimes. We shared the same room till we became 10 years old.

We were not fighting a lot like other siblings did, mostly because dad forbade him to hit girls. In middle school we were going on foot together in the beginning, but eventually each one found his own friends and went with them. We never hung out together while in middle school, but we were always at nearby spots in our free time since our neighborhood is not so big.

One thing he really hates is being teased by me when I call him “little brother”.

There was a funny story that our parents keep on telling to people till now. New neighbors moved in our neighborhood and our mom welcomed them and told them to come to our house for a coffee etc. When they came, the woman saw us and kept asking us questions about our names, our ages, our grades etc. I told her:

- My name’s Arianna and that’s my little brother, &&&.

Then he immediately said:

- She’s is lying, i am her twin brother. It’s not my fault that some doctor from the previous century chose to get her out first. (Truth is it doesn’t sound very funny in English)

And then we all laughed, I think we were 8 years old.

I still love to tease him about that :)

At middle’s school’s last year (14 years old) he started to show some signs of maturity but at the same time signs of protectiveness which were annoying me most of times.

I told him many times to stop doing that because i felt he was “canceling” my personality. But since he never stopped i eventually got used to it.

The most extremest moment of his protectiveness, that i ‘ll never forget, happened during our first year at high school. We were coming home from a school party by bus. I was with my friends, he was with his group. At some point, we, the girls, had fun (forgetting that we were actually on a bus) and we kept playing and trying to hit each other with those “party whistles”. Suddenly a man about 55-60 years old, who was sitting nearby, yelled at us something like:

- WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP IT ALREADY ?!?!?

We were kinda shocked and froze for a moment, then he continued:

- That’s right. And for once, try to put something valuable into your mouths.

In the next seconds i saw two hands putting us aside, going in front of that man and telling him:

- Do you want me to put something valuable into your mouth?

- And who the hell are you?

- Someone who’s going to jail tonight, for beating an old man.

Then an other man separated them before they came into physical contact with each other and things may ‘ve gotten worse. Some other people said that it was our fault for being so noisy and not the old man’s. While our friends kept accusing that man for sexism etc. I was pulling my brother back telling him to stop, he kept on trash talking with that man. In other words we created a mini chaos in the bus. Eventually the man arrived to his destination and got out of the bus. So did we after a couple of minutes. And then for the first time my brother “schooled” me, for being immature and playing with “party whistles” with my friends. I didn’t respond because I knew he was actually right (even though the other girls dragged me into it). I have to admit, since that day I wasn’t looking him as a kid any more.

There was also one funny time when I came home from outside and he was with his girlfriend watching a movie in the living room. I saw them and said “hello” but she didn’t answered back. Then he shouted at her:

- She said hello, are you deaf?

And she was like:

- Ah, I am sorry Arianna didn’t hear you.

I really “facepalmed” me that moment.

Even though he never actually beat somebody because of me, he was very annoying. There was another time while we were riding the bike returning for home and some boys were looking at us (me I guess?) and he shouted:

- What are you looking at, jerks? Never seen a bike before?

That kind of “aggressiveness” from him was unfortunately very common during high school and I think that’s the reason why, the boys at school, eventually kept their distance from me. One day I decided to have a serious talk to him about that. I asked him why does he always have to be like this. (I thought dad told him to be protective of me) He told me that from our young age he realized that I don’t have what it takes to defend myself against other people, and that when someone keeps badmouthing me, annoy me or mocking me, I look like a scared little, crybaby who lost her “speech”. That hurt my feelings and I even felt a bit hatred towards him for those words. He sounded like he was a “King” capable of doing everything and I was a useless “zero”.

During the first Summer before our second year in high school, dad bought him the bike he always wanted (and because he passed the exams). Although he wasn’t very positive to the idea of carrying me to the school every day, he didn’t had another choice, I guess. So, in one of those first “biking days”, in September or October (second year in high school), while finishing the school day, I realized that i forgot my jacket and went back to the class but couldn’t find it. Anyway, I told him that there is no problem, it’s a warm day and I can find it another day so we should just go home. But he was like:

- Are you stupid? It doesn’t matter if it’s a warm day, while riding a bike you’ll always get hit by the wind and feel cold.

So he gave me his jacket. I refused but he insisted, I kept on refusing, then he told me we are not going anywhere if I won’t put on his jacket, so I gave up and told to myself (yeah, yeah, whatever feeds your stubbornness “your majesty”). The next morning he woke me up at about 6:00 telling me that I have to get up earlier because he caught a cold and could not get me to school thus I have to go alone by bus. I thought he was trolling me but eventually I realized that he had a hard time while trying to swallow. I got sooo emotional that moment, so i locked myself in the bathroom and kept on crying and silently sobbing for almost an hour. Never told him about that. That day I realized that he is not arguing with all those people because he likes it or out of ego but because he actually cares. Even though I knew he was overreacting i never felt hatred anymore.

Well, that’s how we used to be. Right now, since I am living 90 km away, we visit each other about 10 times/year but we often communicate via Skype or messenger. I have to say that although we are not seeing each other everyday anymore, somehow our bond is stronger. We never argue, we always talk about something happy, we don’t annoy each other, he even smiles when I call him “little brother”.

 

His best friend:

 

The first thing I remember about the “first” is when the teacher expel him and my brother from the class because they kept on talking to each other during the history lesson. And they start on trolling the teacher, telling her that they were just arguing about the Ancient Egyptians (That was our lesson at the moment). The whole class was laughing, the teacher was like -_-. They kept on troll-talking to each other about Ancient Egypt and at one moment my brother told him:

- That claim is not correct, you should be more careful and pay attention to the teacher.

That made the whole class explode from laughs, because we all knew they, both, didn’t pay attention at all.

Since he was in the same “league” as my twin, in contrast to all the other boys at school, he didn’t need the necessary “authorization” to speak with me, even though we didn’t talk too much we were always saying “something” (hi, how are you? everything alright? Did you had fun? etc). But there was something special about the way we talk to each other when we were alone (or maybe it was all just in my head).

He wasn’t as aggressive as my brother even though he was also picking a fight very often. In the second year there was one time he agreed to an after school fight with a student from the third class. Something happened between them, I think he accidentally pushed the other guy and he got mad so they eventually agreed to an after school fight. I had never seen an after school fight. And since my twin was his best friend and had to stay with him to support him i also had to stay and wait for my brother. Well the fight wasn’t at his favor since my brother interfere and stopped them. When everyone left to their home, we sat to some nearby benches. Me, my twin, the “first” and some other boys from our class. I kinda felt sorry for him because he had some scratches on his face and his arm. I gave him my tissues and he thanked me.

He kept telling my brother that he shouldn’t stop them and that he would eventually get the upper hand.

My brother told him something like: - I stopped you because he was about to kill you in the next seconds, you idiot.

The other boys laughed but he seemed so depressed, I guess because he was beaten in front of some girls. That was the first time I saw him like this because he was usually in his “troll mode”.

As a popular boy he had many (I ‘ve seen at least 5 different) girlfriends in school, most of them were from younger classes. I saw him many times having fun with those girls during school breaktime. Kisses, laughs, sitting on his laps, etc. I was jealous but couldn’t do much about it. I just kept on hating those girls calling them hoe-girls (but not in front of them of course).

There was a time when he came to our home for a sleepover. It was while we were in the first year of high school. It was a big surprise for me since no one told me. I suddenly saw him coming out from by twin’s room, I thought it was my brother because they look much alike but then he said:

- Hello Arianna.

I was like:

- Eh .. Hello? (WOW!!)

That moment I felt like my brain was exploded. But unfortunately it wasn’t a big deal after all, since they just locked themselves in the room and kept talking and laughing all night. They once got out of the room to eat Pizza but they just gave me my share and took the rest to the room. I tried to hear what were they talking about and if by any chance he mentions me but, nope.

There was also one time when the cleaning lady found some used condoms in the toilets and told the principal. The next day the principal told to the whole school that she is going to find out which students were responsible for that and expel them from the school but she might reconsider it if they come by themselves and admit it. Of course they never did. The next few days all the attention was on both of them. We didn’t knew who the female was (not even if there was a female in the first place) but we were all sure that the male one was someone between the “first” and the “second”. The whole class kept trolling them:

“Guys, please stop polluting our school with unnecessary plastic”

“Let’s all donate some Euros to them so they can buy contraceptive pills next time”

etc.

I asked my brother many times but he didn’t gave me a proper answer. “Mind your own business” “Why do you care?” etc. Later on, when I was in a relationship with the “first” I asked him about that incident and he told me that he is not sure, because they were both doing that kind of things. He asked me if I was jealous and if I wanted to have sex with him in a toilet, something that I obviously refused.

Anyway here we are on that “fateful” day when I asked him about his feeling and offered him a secret relationship. I had stress but managed to keep my cool. He told me he is confused. Then like I said before I kept on playing with him with my eyes, every time we had an eye contact. And one day when he came to our house, I found a chance and gave him a small kiss on his lips and told him something like:

- See ya.

I guess it worked since he came to me by himself after few days and accepted. You know the rest. Secret meetings in random parks, making out, 5 day school trip, changing my mind, argument, unofficial breaking up.

Till now i am always thinking that I actually needed more time. I really wanted to have sex with him but not after 3-4 weeks. If only that stupid “5 day school trip” didn’t took place so soon, things may have been different right now.

Anyway, let’s step forward to the day of the assault. I came to see if he still had feelings, he had a cocky attitude (I don’t know if he just acted like that) he said something about my virginity, without thinking I raised my hand to slap him, he grabbed my hands turned me backwards and smacked my butt causing me to fall down.

Truth is I never got into a physical fight since I was a kid. So at that moment, while lying on the ground and trying not to shed any tears, I felt an “unprecedented” feeling. Ι never thought he would actually assault me. I mean boys should not actually hit girls right?

I really wanted to “insert” my fingernails into his face, but I was frozen. When he left I “collected” my pieces and tried to hide from the public, along with my bestie (she had seen everything). After texting my brother to go home alone we went to her home and had a conversation about the incident. She told me some crazy theories about his actions and motivations, something like:

 

“He slapped you on the ass on purpose because he knew you would be too embarrassed to show the “redness skin” of your butt to your brother or anyone else.” (Although I highly doubt that, it was more like he wanted to humiliate me.)

 

“He may was just using your brother to be as popular as him and now that school is almost over he showed his true colors” (I doubt that too, they even wanted to go to vacation together in Summer)

 

etc.

 

Then she suggest to me to add some lies to the event, keep the ending as it was and tell my twin.

I didn’t want to do that in the beginning but it didn’t sound like a bad idea after all. I mean, we never actually texted to each other via messenger or anything, so he didn’t actually had any proofs that we were in a relationship. The only message he had from me was that piece of paper i gave him in the hotel telling him to come to my room. Which doesn’t prove much and I doubt he kept it.

And, I knew my brother was actually better at fights than him so there was almost nothing to worry about. I also had to be very persistent to convince him not to go to school by bike. The only thing I was afraid of, was my reaction, that is why I didn’t wanted see what was about to happen. I thought my reaction could actually “betray” me and my twin sees through it. But everything was successful. I even jokingly bowed down to my bestie after the event, when we were alone in her house.

So, the day after the beating took place I came to the school to write the next exam test. Neither of them showed up since my brother was punished and the ‘first” was in the hospital (or just resting at his home, not sure). I have to admit, in those last days of high school I became the most famous person among the students. Once I entered the school they were like:

 

- Oooh, It’s the “beautiful Helen” !! (from the known myth)

 

They were clapping their hands (sarcastically but still), whistling and shouting. The hoe-girls were looking at me with those evil eyes full of jealousy. Other people were asking me questions about the event. If i actually caused that “civil war”. What exactly did he do to me etc.

I have to confess that, I actually liked those few minutes of fame. I was never the focus of attention in the entire school. And that felt great (yeah, I am a bad person). Afterwards my bestie jokingly told me: “You managed to “destroy” them both and get a piece of their fame”. I smiled but deep inside I felt guilty.

 

If only I knew that it would cost my twin his trust on friends. I would had never approached his friend in the first place. I mean, those last years at the university i already had several “complete” relationships and truth is it wasn’t a big deal after all. Why do I had to act like this? Was I being jealous of the hoe-girls? Was it the top guy i was after? Did I really fell in love with him? 5 years have passed and i still haven’t answered those questions.

 

(I also forgot to say that the only reason I ranked him as “first” is because i wanted him to be my first. And since my brother is the second sibling I ranked him as “second”. It may be still on a debate among the others but to me it was pretty clear from the start).

 

Anyway that’s all there is to know about us. I highly value your opinion (loveshack’s members) so give me, please, some last comments and advices about this weekend.

Remember, the only thing I am afraid of, right now, is losing my actual best friend.

 

I most likely won’t bother you anymore with my problems so I have to thank you for your time!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I read it all (takes bow, in front of other Loveshack members)

 

 

I don't know WHAT would remain of all of that story if we took out precious memories  that you really care about.

 

Do you know how they say that   "First relationships seldom last" ??

 

(well that is often true of even great friendships that go all the way through school...  so we cannot independently tell whether the friendship between "first" and "second" was likely to last anyway)

 

Your EFFORT in offering up all of that detail, about each person, does more to underscore how much you care  than it does about any of the individuals.

 

But I think it is further important that someone with SO much sentiment should maintain the bond with her brother, at all costs...  rather than risk telling him every detail about the battle with his old friend.

 

 

* This is not directly related to you, but it is something that happens on Loveshack all the time :  

 

Some romantic partner/spouse comes here and admits that they cheated, and they are asking all of these other people whether they should tell their partner/spouse about it.  And of course those who are deeply immersed in the ways of a cheater  are just sure that  "oh, yeah, you have to tell them EVVVVVerything...  because they deserve to know".

 

When the more compassionate move would be to spare the partner's feelings if there is a realistic chance to do so...   (through NOT confessing to the fact that you cheated - only when fairly certain that there isn't a realistic way that the betrayed partner could find out through other avenues).

Most of those immersed in the ways of a cheater  care only about themselves, and this terrible 'guilty' feeling they want to get rid of...   merely by throwing the pain onto someone else.  (they've already been selfish, so now their mentality is to double-down on their selfishness while claiming to be doing so FOR their betrayed partner - which is a laugh).

 

YOUR STORY is somewhat parallel to the thoughts contemplated by a cheater...

BUT your story is mitigated by minimal consequences...  and the fact that   "first"  already betrayed your brother's admonition that he "not mess with sister"...

(and his having been anywhere near to you  on "defloration trip" counts surely as 'messing with his sister' )

I sense that you are too confident that  "first" and "second"  would still be the very best of friends had you not impacted their lives, and there just is no way to understand that for sure either way.

 

BUT... IF  "second" were to arrive at Loveshack in 17 or 34 years, and find all of these wonderfully-detailed memories of times you shared with him over your life...  he would be thrilled to be reminded of every one of them...   and those sorts of life stories shared by twins  are far more "deep"  and important than would be anything to do with some Loveshack cheater logic.    If there is a small amount of guilt running around inside of you... I think you can handle it...

But if you deprive yourself of that bond shared only by twins  in any way, you may regret that for the rest of your life.

 

I know it can be so difficult to    "do nothing"   on purpose...       but it seems the best move in this case.

 

 

Edited October 1, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[basil67]

32 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I read it all (takes bow, in front of other Loveshack members)

the sound of a slow clap echoes around LS