He likes provocative photos of girls

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, leanoa said:

 I don't know if I should tell him about it, and what is going on when I meet him today. 

Exactly how will this conversation go?  

When you tell him you have been stalking his on line presence detailing every like & follower to the point it upset you, exactly how do you think he's going to react?  IMO, it won't be positive.  He's going to get defensive because he's going to think you are trying to control him.  He's going to think there is something wrong with you for getting this upset about nothing. 

I think it's very weird, creepy, bad, unsettling . . . just bleck . . .that he's got all these "followers" & more concerning that they are probably bots or scams but if his behavior upsets you that much why are you still with him?  In the end you have the final say.  Vote with your feet but don't for one second think you can change his behavior.  

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

One thing I know is, you don't fix them, you dump them.

So true and if followed would save such a lot of heartache and upset on the forum.

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, leanoa said:

He posts storys of us all the time, one of them is on his highlights as well and actually it is a really cute and special couple photo. And this is next to his family photos. He says it always that he doesn't see me only as his girlfriend, he considers me being his wife one day. 

I think this says a lot about what he actually wants.

That said, I think he's in the habit of this SM stuff. It's his version of porn. Many men are like this. If it's not this it's actual porn, mind movies, old school girlie mags, etc. Something. He's unlikely to want to stop until his sex drive simmers down at, say, 65?

It's easy for people with low drive or who are older or whatever to judge, but this is what you get when you get a good healthy normal man with a strong sex drive. If you want to marry a diabetic or what have you who has low drive or issues performing or an anti-fapper who saves it all for you, you have the option to go look for that. (Not that they won't be weird in other ways - if they're so against masturbation (why?) they probably will be.)

If you're going to stay together with him, trying to forbid all forms of this is, IMO a mistake. His urges will not go away and you will end up feeling "betrayed" when he inevitably breaks your rules and you find out about it.

The solution IMO is for him to not follow the girls he looks at or get them to follow him. Just look, stop the liking, the connecting etc. He can have his fun, you can have your peace of mind. And/or perhaps he can find some other ways to satisfy his urges.

If it bother you that he wanks AT ALL, you'd need to go look for someone with health issues and/or a weirdo. That's just my opinion, but I think the prevalence of all this stuff out there shows just how completely normal it all is.

Final note - I THINK his posts of stories of you etc shows what he REALLY wants. These SM girls are fantasies to relieve his urges, but you are who he really wants to be with. Otherwise he wouldn't be putting it up there.  That said, IF at some point you find communications etc with some of these normal non-model SM girls, that MIGHT be a different matter. People are only human and it doesn't hurt to keep half an eye on your partner. Trust, but verify.

[leanoa]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

This is maybe not central to your point, but have you considered these accounts are almost certainly spam? I have a private Instagram account and I get follow requests from scantily-clad women---which is to say, bots, fakes, and scammers---about twice a week. If I accepted all their follow requests I'd easily have hundreds of followers myself. I think this guy is just kind of sleazy, not cheating or dishonest.

I agree with you, most of them are fake accounts and I am not saying he is dishonest or cheating but he is doing something I am not comfortable with. Furthermore he liked some photos of these accounts

[Els]

14 hours ago, leanoa said:

He gets jealous if I have to do a project with my male colleagues

A few too many red flags here IMO. He gets jealous when you WORK with male colleagues??? Is he expecting you to stay in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant??

This is a way bigger issue than the instagram stuff.

[leanoa]

30 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think this says a lot about what he actually wants.

That said, I think he's in the habit of this SM stuff. It's his version of porn. Many men are like this. If it's not this it's actual porn, mind movies, old school girlie mags, etc. Something. He's unlikely to want to stop until his sex drive simmers down at, say, 65?

It's easy for people with low drive or who are older or whatever to judge, but this is what you get when you get a good healthy normal man with a strong sex drive. If you want to marry a diabetic or what have you who has low drive or issues performing or an anti-fapper who saves it all for you, you have the option to go look for that. (Not that they won't be weird in other ways - if they're so against masturbation (why?) they probably will be.)

If you're going to stay together with him, trying to forbid all forms of this is, IMO a mistake. His urges will not go away and you will end up feeling "betrayed" when he inevitably breaks your rules and you find out about it.

The solution IMO is for him to not follow the girls he looks at or get them to follow him. Just look, stop the liking, the connecting etc. He can have his fun, you can have your peace of mind. And/or perhaps he can find some other ways to satisfy his urges.

If it bother you that he wanks AT ALL, you'd need to go look for someone with health issues and/or a weirdo. That's just my opinion, but I think the prevalence of all this stuff out there shows just how completely normal it all is.

Final note - I THINK his posts of stories of you etc shows what he REALLY wants. These SM girls are fantasies to relieve his urges, but you are who he really wants to be with. Otherwise he wouldn't be putting it up there.  That said, IF at some point you find communications etc with some of these normal non-model SM girls, that MIGHT be a different matter. People are only human and it doesn't hurt to keep half an eye on your partner. Trust, but verify.

Does he have to relieve his urges with that girls? And does he have to have fantasies for them? Am I not enough? Would you want someone who wants you but is attracted to other girls and has fantasies of them, probably even when he is with you. Because I bet it wouldn't be ok for him if I would have urges or fantasies for other guys

[mark clemson]

18 minutes ago, leanoa said:

Does he have to relieve his urges with that girls? And does he have to have fantasies for them? Am I not enough? Would you want someone who wants you but is attracted to other girls and has fantasies of them, probably even when he is with you. Because I bet it wouldn't be ok for him if I would have urges or fantasies for other guys

 A fair question. Does he have a problem with you masturbating? (I assume you fantasize about men when you do this.) That would seem hypocritical.

If he is like many men, in REALITY you ARE enough actually, but he'll still fantasize for fun anyhow.

I'm not sure how old you are and how many BF's you may have had, but if you have masturbated to fantasies of another man while with a BF - well, it's really not that different. Don't forget, as men we have fairly large testosterone-producing glands literally growing off of us. It's a very powerful hormone and tends to affect our behavior in a variety of ways, including heightened sex drive.

Biology is far from perfect - it is what it is.

It's also worth pointing out that as a partner, you can attempt to set whatever boundaries for the relationship you wish. However, if they're TOO restrictive the partner will either leave, re-negotiate, or attempt to subvert, etc.

I don't blame you for not wanting him connecting to ordinary girls who post sexy pics on SM. That's reasonable IMO. Not wanting him to look AT ALL in any way is not likely to work out well though IMO.

Edited September 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[Ruby Slippers]

I wouldn't date a guy like this. It's the online equivalent of drooling at other women while you're out on a date - rude, disrespectful, thirsty, and immature.

It's one thing to browse eye candy privately with discretion and consideration of your partner's feelings, another altogether to do it in front of people including your girlfriend/wife. When you first see this in a date/boyfriend, you're not sure how to handle it. With time, I've learned that men generally fall into these two categories, and I'll never date the leering type again, would advise every woman not to waste their time with them. It will always demoralize you and chip away at any good feelings you have for him, so there's no point.

[leanoa]

16 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 A fair question. Does he have a problem with you masturbating? (I assume you fantasize about men when you do this.) That would seem hypocritical.

If he is like many men, in REALITY you ARE enough actually, but he'll still fantasize for fun anyhow.

I'm not sure how old you are and how many BF's you may have had, but if you have masturbated to fantasies of another man while with a BF - well, it's really not that different. Don't forget, as men we have fairly large testosterone-producing glands literally growing off of us. It's a very powerful hormone and tends to affect our behavior in a variety of ways, including heightened sex drive.

Biology is far from perfect - it is what it is.

I don't fantasize about other men when I masturbate, I have him and I don't need others.  I think that what makes things a bit complicated, is the fact that I am so devoted and commited in a relationship that other men for me don't exist, and I expect this to be the same for him, but it doesn't look like that. 
I have had  "one boyfriend" but it was a long distance relationship and we never met so I don't really call it a relatioship. My boyfriend otherwise had many short relationships (ours is the longest as far as I know) but I know that he had also many sexual partners. This has happend at a point of his life when he had flaws like drinking alcohol, gambling, spending his money with girls etc. He is clean from all these, he is never going back and is really sure about that, he says that it was a dark part of his life he is not proud of. He has admitted though that he has never cheated and he will never do that even though he had many partners. 

Edited September 22, 2020 by leanoa

[leanoa]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I wouldn't date a guy like this. It's the online equivalent of drooling at other women while you're out on a date - rude, disrespectful, thirsty, and immature.

It's one thing to browse eye candy privately with discretion and consideration of your partner's feelings, another altogether to do it in front of people including your girlfriend/wife. When you first see this in a date/boyfriend, you're not sure how to handle it. With time, I've learned that men generally fall into these two categories, and I'll never date the leering type again, would advise every woman not to waste their time with them. It will always demoralize you and chip away at any good feelings you have for him, so there's no point.

Btw he never sees other girls when he is with me, and he said that he doesn't do that even when we are not together because he is not that type of guy. But looking at them on social media, liking them and letting other people know that you like them, isn't it the same? 🙄

[Ruby Slippers]

3 minutes ago, leanoa said:

...he said that he doesn't do that even when we are not together because he is not that type of guy. But looking at them on social media, liking them and letting other people know that you like them, isn't it the same? 🙄

Yes, it is. He is that kind of guy. I agree with the other poster that said he's just telling you what you want to hear, but doing something totally different.

Certain qualities make a person a no-go for a relationship. In my book, this is one of them.

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, leanoa said:

I don't fantasize about other men when I masturbate, I have him and I don't need others

The problem you have is that you think that because you think a certain way on this, that he is supposed to think exactly like you. Yeah, it's a nice perk if it breaks in your direction, but not everyone thinks the way you do, certainly not him. He's got his own views of his sexuality that don't align with yours. He's a completely different being from you. He wasn't raised with you, he doesn't have the same life experiences as you do; therefore, he sees things like this differently than you ever will.

What you have to figure out is if you can live with this indefinitely. If you can't, then you need to end this and go find a man who thinks like you think.

Like I asked above: what are you prepared to do if he decides to sit  somewhere away from your home in a parked car with a burner phone you'll never discover, creates an account you'll never know about and continues on with doing what he's been doing? Because, as I also said, that's a distinct possibility--and you have to figure out for yourself if this relationship is really worth the aging it's going to put on you trying to mommy him and make him see life your way.

Life is too short for BS, especially when you see today, 9/22/20 that he's like this. It's not going to feel good when it's 9/22/28 and he's still doing this, but now you've got 3 kids and a mortgage.

Don't squander your youth trying to renovate a man who should already know better.

Quote

I expect this to be the same for him,

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

Edited September 22, 2020 by kendahke

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, leanoa said:

I don't fantasize about other men when I masturbate, I have him and I don't need others.  I think that what makes things a bit complicated, is the fact that I am so devoted and commited in a relationship that other men for me don't exist, and I expect this to be the same for him, but it doesn't look like that.

If this is truly a dealbreaker for you, you could ask that he focus on you, think only of you etc (if that doesn't creep you out). He might agree to at least try. I do suspect that you'd eventually be disappointed, but that might work for a while, possibly quite a while.

Overall I think asking men not to masturbate is a bit like asking them not to eat. Not likely to work. Asking them to channel their drives in a specific way so that it doesn't bother you has a much better chance of working overall. Taking it off social media might work if connecting to the other women is an issue (and FWIW I do get that part).

Edited September 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, leanoa said:

 I told him 2-3 times that I didn't like this fact and he did nothing, he said "they are following me, not me them and it is not that you are uncomfortable with that, it is just you don't want other people to see that +18 accounts follow me". 

Anyways he keeps liking models' pictures, singers actors etc, but that is totally fine for me as long as he also likes famous males' pictures ans not only provocative pictures of models,  as well as the fact that he makes me feel comfortable, he says it everyday how pretty or sexy or attractive I am. So I was totally fine for him to like these pictures. 
Today I found out 5-6 instagram accounts (probably there are more) that he doesn't follow back but he has liked some of their photos and what made everything worse, one of these account was a girl on underwear or lingerie (not famous, or model), she had 6 posts and he has liked all of them. I find it disrespectful and offensive if my boyfriend likes pictures of other random girls on underwear on instagram. 
 

Have you interacted in person or is the relationship only through social media or long distance? 

[leanoa]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you interacted in person or is the relationship only through social media or long distance? 

Yes, we interect in person. 

[leanoa]

9 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

If this is truly a dealbreaker for you, you could ask that he focus on you, think only of you etc (if that doesn't creep you out). He might agree to at least try. I do suspect that you'd eventually be disappointed, but that might work for a while, possibly quite a while.

Overall I think asking men not to masturbate is a bit like asking them not to eat. Not likely to work. Asking them to channel their drives in a specific way so that it doesn't bother you has a much better chance of working overall. Taking it off social media might work if connecting to the other women is an issue (and FWIW I do get that part).

I am not saying he should masturbate, but fantasizing other women when he masturbates is disgusting and cheating. Does it mean he fantasize about other women even when he has sex with me?!!! 

[mark clemson]

8 minutes ago, leanoa said:

I am not saying he should masturbate, but fantasizing other women when he masturbates is disgusting and cheating. Does it mean he fantasize about other women even when he has sex with me?!!! 

An interesting view. I personally don't see this as cheating, e.g. if my wife did it, and would have no real problem with it (if there was no actual intent to cheat). But you are you.

My guess would be that it's very unlikely he fantasizes about others when with you, particularly this early in the game. Speaking for myself, I always prefer real sex to masturbation, and tend to focus on it (and on my wife) when I'm having it. I have heard that some men do this, so there are no guarantees, but for myself at least imaging someone else during sex is something I've never done.

Edited September 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

He is a  guy used to dating and checking out multiple women, and whilst he may or may not be actually cheating, by collecting and interacting with all these ladies, he is cheating by proxy.
You are not enough to hold his interest, hence he goes on the hunt regularly for a hot babe...
Fantasy maybe, but harmless no.

[mark clemson]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Fantasy maybe, but harmless no.

Hmm. I don't agree with this, BUT it is a legitimate view (just not mine).

If thinking about other women while masturbating is a form of cheating, well, I've got some bad news for probably the vast majority of women. Sorry gals...

[elaine567]

I never mentioned masturbating, though it does seem to be something you are somewhat obsessed with...
I am talking about a guy who is amassing hundreds of half naked women on his SM account.
This is damaging to  Leanoa so can never really be seen as harmless.

[leanoa]

30 minutes ago, leanoa said:

I am not saying he should masturbate, but fantasizing other women when he masturbates is disgusting and cheating. Does it mean he fantasize about other women even when he has sex with me?!!! 

I meant "I'm not saying he shouldn't masturbate"

[mark clemson]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I am talking about a guy who is amassing hundreds of half naked women on his SM account. This is damaging to  Leanoa

Ah, fair enough. I'm not sure I think it's cheating, but since I don't do this, I'm not sure WHAT it is.

Perhaps it's the 2020 equivalent of a guy who keeps a collection of porn mags around?  Dunno...

[mark clemson]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I never mentioned masturbating, though it does seem to be something you are somewhat obsessed with...

There's no need to insult me. This is the direction the conversation is taking + IMO it likely has a LOT to do with why this guy is behaving the way he does. There's plenty of threads where I don't mention it. IMO you understand men pretty well for a woman, but sometimes it takes a male to get a bit more insight into another male's behavior. And for this particular behavior, it is likely a key driver...

Edited September 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Perhaps it's the 2020 equivalent of a guy who keeps a collection of porn mags around?  Dunno...

Actually, now that I reflect about this a bit more, I think this is exactly what this is. The problem is with the internet, the fantasy girls could potentially "interact back" which might indeed constitute cheating, depending on how it went.

Also OP isn't comfortable with either this OR him fantasizing about other women at all.

OP, again if this is truly a dealbreaker, either get him to redirect his impulses in a way you're OK with or consider looking elsewhere.

I do think that men who aren't going to do at least SOME fantasizing about other women are going to be pretty rare birds. There are likely to be some negative trade-offs as well IMO. But perhaps...

Edited September 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

I believe many women consider porn and a collection of half naked instagram models as cheating.
Women in general are all about emotional connection, love and romance and the fact some men are all about masturbation, porn and other women is a huge disappointment and a turn off.
How can she emotionally connect with a guy who is fantasising about other women?
She shuts down, sex is about "duty" or absent altogether, she loses all respect for him...