He likes provocative photos of girls

[leanoa]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I believe many women consider porn and a collection of half naked instagram models as cheating.
Women in general are all about emotional connection, love and romance and the fact some men are all about masturbation, porn and other women is a huge disappointment and a turn off.
How can she emotionally connect with a guy who is fantasising about other women?
She shuts down, sex is about "duty" or absent altogether, she loses all respect for him...

I totally agree with you. I wouldn't change a thing on what you said.

 Still porn or looking at models' pictures would be kind of ok, but fantasizing about random girls with naked photos is the worst. I really want to ask men. Would it be fine for you if your girlfriend looked and liked provocative photos of random guys on instagram? And would it be ok if she fantasizes about them when she masturbates? Wouldn't you feel disrespected?
If I would knew that he fantasizes about them when he masturbates, I am pretty sure I would break up. I would rather be single forever, than know that my boyfriend fantasizes about other girls. It is disgusting and disrespectful. 
Btw why don't guys masturbate while looking at their girlfriend's provocative photos, but have to watch bitches on instagram to masturbate? 

Edited September 22, 2020 by leanoa

[mark clemson]

I could see that.

Trouble is, you want a healthy, energetic, "virile" male for a partner - well, that's what you've got. Or even not one, but he still does this sort of thing because that's a convenient way to "take care of himself". Or possibly to boost his esteem, although it seems an extremely phony way to do so.

The camera can of course turn the other way. His put off partner stops being sexual, etc. Of course, now he's disappointed, frustrated, feels unloved, etc. He feels she is "cold", fantasizing about sexy SM girls or what have you becomes even more interesting, etc. A bit of a vicious cycle.

Biology isn't perfect - it is what it is.

[mark clemson]

This is just for me, not for "men" but:

5 minutes ago, leanoa said:

I really want to ask men. Would it be fine for you if your girlfriend looked and liked provocative photos of random guys on instagram?  No

And would it be ok if she fantasizes about them when she masturbates?  Yes

Wouldn't you feel disrespected?  No (not the masturbation part)

The issue is the connecting with them. The potential for interaction, building a connection that extends beyond fantasy would the (potential) problem.

I do think it's likely that some % of men are likely to be hypocrites WRT to this issue.

[mark clemson]

10 minutes ago, leanoa said:

If I would knew that he fantasizes about them when he masturbates, I am pretty sure I would break up. I would rather be single forever, than know that my boyfriend fantasizes about other girls. It is disgusting and disrespectful. 

If this is you, either go "don't ask, don't tell" about this OR consider searching for the rare guy who's actually like this. There is a surprising amount of variance in people and some small % of men no doubt fit this. However, I think it's RARE. Like, truly rare. And I suspect some men will probably lie rather than give up a good partner. We had a poster here who was happy with her husband who (she thought) didn't masturbate. IIRC, turned out he actually did.

I've read that men's bodies can generate 10 - 100X more testosterone than women. I think realistically it's hard for many females to keep up with that, especially with menstruation, pregnancy, just down days in general.

[leanoa]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

This is just for me, not for "men" but:

The issue is the connecting with them. The potential for interaction, building a connection that extends beyond fantasy would the (potential) problem.

I do think it's likely that some % of men are likely to be hypocrites WRT to this issue.

I really don't get it why men are build this way to make their girlfriends feel insecure and uncomfortable and show them that they are sexually attracted to other girls as well even while being with them. No offense to men but is there anything that differs you from dogs or other animals? 
It is a huge turn off for me to know that my boyfriend fatasizes about other girls. 
And the phrase "I have eyes only for you" is bulls***. Yeah, exactly, for me and for others on instagram. 
To be honest I have heard a lot of stories and I was somehow thankful to have him as a boyfriend because he looks like he never cheats or thinks about other girls, or makes me feel not sexy or pretty. But literally reading that men fantasize of others when they masturbate even when they are in a relationship , make me feel disgusted of men in general. 

[mark clemson]

3 minutes ago, leanoa said:

I really don't get it why men are build this way to make their girlfriends feel insecure and uncomfortable and show them that they are sexually attracted to other girls as well even while being with them.

C'est la vie. To be fair, there is plenty for men to be disappointed about with women as well (if they let it get to them). Ultimately, we are built for different purposes biologically.

 

3 minutes ago, leanoa said:

No offense to men but is there anything that differs you from dogs or other animals?

Heh. Yes, plenty.

 

3 minutes ago, leanoa said:

But literally reading that men fantasize of others when they masturbate even when they are in a relationship , make me feel disgusted of men in general. 

In a way I'm sorry to disillusion you if that is what I've done. However, perhaps it's for the best that you understand what men are generally like as you being to form LTRs and/or life partnerships. Perhaps as you grow older you will come to accept people in spite of their flaws. We all have them, no one is perfect. I hear many women start to become very horny as they approach 30 - perhaps your views will change or you will become more understanding later in life.

[Ruby Slippers]

What separates humans from animals is that we are able to use our mind and heart to rise above the urges of the body, to temper them so we can get along in cordial society and loving relationships. Many people don't ever aspire to their higher nature - but some do.

I've had boyfriends who never once gave me the impression they were lusting after other women. I'm sure they looked, but they never did it in front of me, always "only had eyes for me" - which gives a woman a happy, secure feeling, inspires you to treat him very well because he does the same for you.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, leanoa said:

I really don't get it why men are build this way to make their girlfriends feel insecure and uncomfortable and show them that they are sexually attracted to other girls as well even while being with them. No offense to men but is there anything that differs you from dogs or other animals? 
It is a huge turn off for me to know that my boyfriend fatasizes about other girls

How long have you been dating? You seem incompatible. This relationship and this guy seems to make you quite angry. It's not worth it. If you are getting so burned out by this guy that your thinking is heading toward the "all men are pigs" territory, it's time to cut your losses.🐷

Edited September 22, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Trouble is, you want a healthy, energetic, "virile" male for a partner - well, that's what you've got.

But is it the sign of virility?.
I don't think most women think "OMG what a stud" when they have a man who is masturbating to women out of his league on Instagram...

[TheFinalWord]

He's 27 and has tons of testosterone, so I don't think it's a sex addiction. Imagine the horniest you have ever felt. Now amplify that by 10 and imagine it never turns off. That's what it's like for a man in his 20s. Especially if you are having sex with him, it makes the drive even stronger.

With that said, he's made a commitment to you and yet, he doesn't seem to apply any filter to his mind. Personally I find simping behavior of validating women via liking their pics, a weak move from a man; even single ones.

But you have to define your boundaries. You have to tell him that you find it hurtful that he spends so much time looking at other women, and going out of his way to like pictures of, basically soft core porn, pictures of women. Once you define your boundaries, if he respects you, he will stop. If he doesn't stop, then I think you have to consider if he cares about  your boundaries and if he's someone you want to invest any more time in.

I try to tell women, your 20s are your prime. Don't waste them on men that aren't going to change. Define your boundaries for him, then see if he respects them. Good luck!

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

19 hours ago, leanoa said:

Hi guys! I would like to know your opinion, how you would react in the situation below, and if I am overreacting. 
I know that mixing social media with relationship is kind of childish sometimes but things went this way. 
My boyfriend had about 900 followers on instagram, most of them were pages +18 or provocative girls profiles. I have to mention though that these were accounts who followed him, he wasn't following any of them back. I told him 2-3 times that I didn't like this fact and he did nothing, he said "they are following me, not me them and it is not that you are uncomfortable with that, it is just you don't want other people to see that +18 accounts follow me". 
I never mentioned this anymore until we had an argument because he got jealous about something (can't remember what and why exactly) and I mentioned his followers so he removed all of them, he reduced them from 900 to 400 and told me " I did that to show you that I care only for you, I don't care for them" (Btw he knows that I have had low self esteem and he notices that it is not fully recovered. That is why I wonder why he did nothing for followers or likes when he knew I had a problem with that. Anyway this is something else, I don't really want to talk about it right now because the matter is on another point)

Anyways he keeps liking models' pictures, singers actors etc, but that is totally fine for me as long as he also likes famous males' pictures ans not only provocative pictures of models,  as well as the fact that he makes me feel comfortable, he says it everyday how pretty or sexy or attractive I am. So I was totally fine for him to like these pictures. 
Today I found out 5-6 instagram accounts (probably there are more) that he doesn't follow back but he has liked some of their photos and what made everything worse, one of these account was a girl on underwear or lingerie (not famous, or model), she had 6 posts and he has liked all of them. I find it disrespectful and offensive if my boyfriend likes pictures of other random girls on underwear on instagram. 
I would really want to know your opinion and what would you do? Am I overreacting or is it something that has to do with my self esteem?

Thank you for your time
 

The first guess I make about you is that you are  hot AF ...  and that you are presenting all of this before a jury which isn't exactly  "a jury of your peers" (* NOT quoting YOU in that).

 

900 Instagram followers is a function of doing something merely for the numbers, and not of any significant mental substance.

 

The partner with such a person is practically required to live life around the same degree of vanity.  With that vanity comes the vast room for low self esteem.

 

Obviously men liking photos of provocative girls  is as old as photography  and we out here can't even tell whether you mean "like" in the traditional sense or "Like" in the Facebook sense.

 

He is probably taking you for granted (by the standards typically volleyed around Loveshack) but there are probably factors all around your life and family which are central to why such a person appeals to you, and those more than anything would tell you the most important things you should learn about yourself.

 

 

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person?

LOL, this has pretty much become a standard question these days, isn't it.  🤣

I'm gonna guess yes, they've met in person, I could be wrong!! 

 

Edited September 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

But is it the [a] sign of virility?

Virility: (in a man) the quality of having strength, energy, and a strong sex drive; manliness.

Yes.

Also see what TheFinalWord wrote above. This is simply normal life for many men. And not necessarily only in their 20's.

Edited September 22, 2020 by mark clemson

[leanoa]

31 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The first guess I make about you is that you are  hot AF ...  and that you are presenting all of this before a jury which isn't exactly  "a jury of your peers" (* NOT quoting YOU in that).

 

900 Instagram followers is a function of doing something merely for the numbers, and not of any significant mental substance.

 

The partner with such a person is practically required to live life around the same degree of vanity.  With that vanity comes the vast room for low self esteem.

 

Obviously men liking photos of provocative girls  is as old as photography  and we out here can't even tell whether you mean "like" in the traditional sense or "Like" in the Facebook sense.

 

He is probably taking you for granted (by the standards typically volleyed around Loveshack) but there are probably factors all around your life and family which are central to why such a person appeals to you, and those more than anything would tell you the most important things you should learn about yourself.

 

 

Actually I think it is a Like as in the Facebook thing. I have noticed that he doesn't zoom them, he just likes them and scrolls down to next post. Furthermore he likes also men posts. But I don't know what he does when he is not with me. And I know that he follows 1-2 pages about sex memes because sometimes he messages me if he finds anything funny. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If this is truly a dealbreaker for you, you could ask that he focus on you, think only of you etc (if that doesn't creep you out). He might agree to at least try. I do suspect that you'd eventually be disappointed, but that might work for a while, possibly quite a while.

So it's not enough that women ask their boyfriends to curtail their behavior to meet their own particular brand of expectations and needs, but now you're advising women (or at least the OP) to ask them (him) how and what to think too?

I cannot imagine that going down well at all!

leona, I am not sure who posted this, but imo do not ask him to change anything.  He is HIM, you are YOU.  If you are not happy with his behaviour, then simply wish him well and say goodbye. 

He may change in the short term to appease you, or try harder to hide what he's doing, but if this is his nature, at least for now, as immature and disrespectful as it may be to some (including you), eventually he will revert back and most likely end up resenting you for requiring that he change to please you.

I dunno I really don't believe in asking your partner to change.  It's our job to either accept him for who he is, or if we can't, say goodbye and find someone else.  

It also might help if you stop attaching all these negatives to what he's doing.  From what you've posted, he seems to care about you and your RL, but like another (male) poster said, it may have been mark clemson, it's a deviation for him to do this, a harmless fantasy, it takes him away from the daily grind and pressures, aka living.

Edited September 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I dunno I really don't believe in asking your partner to change.  It's our job to either accept him for who he is, or if we can't, say goodbye and find someone else. 

 

A fair point. I'm the type who might attempt asking the other to change (rather than simply leaving leaving) BUT there's nothing wrong with this view/approach to things either.

Generally, people change slowly (and sometimes rapidly) over time. It CAN be possible to have impact on the direction of these changes BUT as you might point out, there's absolutely no guarantee of success, it can engender resentment, etc. So, there's nothing wrong IMO with deciding NOT to attempt this either and deciding to go another way such as saying "this is who they are, I either accept it or leave".

Attempting to change another can sometimes be a lot of effort (or at least time spent waiting) with little or no results and/or reversion. So your point is  a completely valid caveat IMO.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I don't think most women think "OMG what a stud" when they have a man who is masturbating to women out of his league on Instagram...

No doubt that's correct. We've discussed this before - I think many women have about as much interest in seeing their guy masturbate as they do in seeing him pee. Maybe less. And particularly if he's thinking about other women doing it. Perhaps there are some exceptions, but I suspect not too many.

I can't speak for all guys or all partnerships, but I think that's why in at least some if not many relationships it's kept more or less private. I don't masturbate in front of my wife (generally) nor does she in front of me.

As you I think know from my posts here, I'm a bit of a Chad. I get flirted with by women on a regular basis. I'd guess because of me the total package that they see in front of them. I'm pretty sure sex has been on at least SOME of their minds. However, I think the LAST thing on most of their minds is me masturbating.

I wouldn't expect anything else. It's a part of life; but it's just not socially appropriate under most normal circumstances.

[MsJayne]

All hetero men like pictures of women in frilly knickers, and all hetero men admire women other than their partner, but to do it in front of you is just rubbing your nose in it. His behaviour is immature, selfish, ill-mannered, and all-round unacceptable. The thing to remember is that the kind of women he's leering at on social media are also very insecure and have low self esteem - if they didn't they wouldn't be on the internet parading around in their undies hoping for an ego boost via some stranger giving them a Like whilst deluding themselves that what they're doing is "empowering". He obviously likes women who've been brain-washed to tolerate sexist garbage. You wouldn't even be with a person like this if your self-esteem was in good shape, you'd just roll your eyes and flick him without a second look. A great exercise for improving low self esteem is to recognise that the reason you're with him is because he reinforces your inner belief that you're not good enough, and then just dump him. You are good enough, you are "enough".  He, on the other hand, isn't good enough, because he's insensitive and ignorant. 

[poppyfields]

I believe leona confirmed he is not doing this in front of her, but during his own private time away from her.  

[leanoa]

28 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I believe leona confirmed he is not doing this in front of her, but during his own private time away from her.  

That is right. I don't know if he fantasizes about other women when he masturbates, I have know idea. He doesn't tell me that someone else is sexy etc, but he let me know that I am sexy for him and he wants me and he gets turned on with just a kiss or when he sees me and I have noticed that. The thing is liking other girls posts on underwear is not private and not something he can hide because I see that and other people do as well

[Chilli]

3 hours ago, leanoa said:

I totally agree with you. I wouldn't change a thing on what you said.

 Still porn or looking at models' pictures would be kind of ok, but fantasizing about random girls with naked photos is the worst. I really want to ask men. Would it be fine for you if your girlfriend looked and liked provocative photos of random guys on instagram? And would it be ok if she fantasizes about them when she masturbates? Wouldn't you feel disrespected?
If I would knew that he fantasizes about them when he masturbates, I am pretty sure I would break up. I would rather be single forever, than know that my boyfriend fantasizes about other girls. It is disgusting and disrespectful. 
Btw why don't guys masturbate while looking at their girlfriend's provocative photos, but have to watch bitches on instagram to masturbate? 

 

Do you while looking at his ?  But at any rate , of course. Unless a couple have some kind of open thing goin on then it's very understandable you'd feel that way especially so early on and the way he has them all over his sm bs . He should be all about you especially this early on for sure.

 

 

 

 

Edited September 22, 2020 by Chilli

[leanoa]

Btw I found out that he follows 2-3 pornstars and he likes some of their pictures

[poppyfields]

I suspect if women knew even a quarter of the stuff their boyfriends do in their own private time, those boyfriends would be DUMPED, pronto!

The things they talk about with friends (about other women), who and what they think about while masturbating, the pics they look at on their phones in their own private time, the list is endless.

I think it’s sad that so many men feel they have to hide this stuff from their girlfriends, lest their girlfriends judge them, shame them, dump them.

When all they are doing, as mark clemens so eloquently and generously stated, is being men.  Healthy red blooded, testosterone-ruled MEN.

Leone what your boyfriend is doing in his own private time is not that much different from what my dad did back in his day before the internet and cell phones – purchased magazines such as Playboy, Penthouse, etc.  And looked at the pics.

My dad was a GREAT man, successful, devoted to his family, raised six healthy children, a kind and generous person, a humanitarian. 

And yes he looked at Playboy and Penthouse, maybe even masturbated to the pics in those mags.

Why are you even paying attention to what your boyfriend is looking at during his own private time?

Heck, are we not allowed some semblance of privacy even when in a serious relationship?

He sounds quite devoted to YOU, tells you often how sexy and beautiful you are, I assume your sex life is solid as well.

I suppose if him looking at these pics were detracting from your relationship with him, or the sex, or he was giving you less attention, I would be concerned.  But that doesn’t appear to be the case.

So what’s the real issue?  It’s social media, it means NOTHING.   It’s a diversion, a fantasy, an escape.

You are what’s REAL to him.  Focus on that and nevermind what he does during his own private time.

If you have self-esteem issues, that is not his fault nor is it his job to fix.  

It's your job to manage and fix and I'd give the same advice to men, don't become your girlfriend's saviour or white knight.  It makes for a very unbalanced existence together. 

Enjoy your relationship, be happy with and focus on everything he does give you.   Accept him. 

Trust me he WILL appreciate you for it and may even stop looking at other women all on his own, without you ever having to ask.

 

Edited September 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[leanoa]

I have told him that I don't like the fact that he follows and likes pronstars on social media (it is fine to watch porn in his private time thought) and he didn't care. He kept doing it. But he gets angry if i "look" a guy on the street, he yells, offends me and sees it as disrespectful to do. I have never done that but in his eyes it seems like I look at guys (while I am not even concentrated there or not looking at all). 
And he is way more jealous than me. He has always told me that he would like his girlfriend to be jealous but he can't remember a situation I was.

Edited September 23, 2020 by leanoa

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, leanoa said:

Btw I found out that he follows 2-3 pornstars and he likes some of their pictures

I would advise you to stop stalking his social media, it's not a good look.