What is the difference between no contact and the silent treatment at the end of a relationship?

[homecoming]

I was dating someone who ended things after they had a sudden anger outburst at me. After telling me we could be friends, they immediately stopped talking to me - avoiding and ignoring me in person and via messages. 

From what I understand, this person has some sort of emotional issues/mood issues - I've heard everything from emotionally unavailable to having some sort of personality disorder. The sudden silence and refusal to talk to me has of course raised questions for me. I've spent some time trying to understand why this person would do that and there seem to be a whole bunch of possible reasons.

What's the difference then, between someone issuing the abusive silent treatment, or simply setting their own NC boundary at the end of a relationship? Some things I have read suggest that this is a horrendously abusive act, other things suggest that this is fine and no one owes anyone 'closure'. I've dated people before who just stop responding and it hasn't bothered me much, because things weren't working out anyway. There have been people who also communicate clearly that they don't wish to talk anymore, which is also fine, everyone's entitled to set boundaries.

I wonder how the difference between silent treatment and general NC at the end of a relationship is categorised? Because I could write the same experience on a general relationship forum and an emotional abuse one, and get two very different answers (if that makes sense)

[d0nnivain]

In the silent treatment, the person is usually trying to manipulate you.  They go silent in the hopes that you will miss them & chase them.  They are trying to apply the absence makes the heart grow fonder principle.  They are immature & don't have the ability to talk things out maturely so they play games.  

Some people employ the silent treatment because they can't handle knowing they hurt you, the person they used to love. So they just up & disappear because they don't want to see the pain they caused.   This sounds like your EX.  

NC is usually for the dumpee, not the dumper. It's the advice we give the heartbroken to prevent them from chasing somebody who has already thrown them away.  It's a means of self preservation.   We tell the dumpee to go NC to cut their EX out of their life as a step toward healing.  In rare situations, when the dumpee chases & begs & generally makes a pest of themselves by not accepting the break up or leaving the dumper alone, the dumper can & should implement NC by telling the dumpee that they are cutting them off & blocking them for their own good.  

Your EX told you an age old white lie when they said you could be friends.  They didn't really mean friends who stay in contact.  They meant, people who don't hate each other & who have no drama in public if they accidently bump into each other while out & about. Stop trying to talk to your EX.  You may have crossed the lines & turned into a pest.  Find your own closure & move forward.  

 

[homecoming]

Thank you @d0nnivain for this answer, very helpful. 

I no longer talk to my ex, and haven't for a while. I suppose from time to time I still struggle, as they meant a lot to me. 

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Some people employ the silent treatment because they can't handle knowing they hurt you, the person they used to love. So they just up & disappear because they don't want to see the pain they caused.   This sounds like your EX.  

This seems to be the most likely - my ex often struggled with the idea of being the person that hurt someone, and that was one of the main reasons it took them so long to even enter a relationship with me - the fear of being hurt, or being the one to hurt someone. There were a few things ex said afterwards that leads me to believe they felt some degree of shame for hurting me. 

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Your EX told you an age old white lie when they said you could be friends.  They didn't really mean friends who stay in contact.  They meant, people who don't hate each other & who have no drama in public if they accidently bump into each other while out & about.

Yeah, I think so too. I guess at the time I was hanging on to the friends thing because, well, y'know. As we were in the same class at university, this is probably what they meant. I suppose I didn't expect to be outright ignored, but yeah, that makes sense. As for the pest thing - well, I tried to mindfully contact and not be an active 'annoyance' - as I have done in the past with other partners, but I worked on those behaviours as I didn't want to repeat the same experience with ex, so... 

But, hey. Thanks for responding, was helpful for me to talk about it a bit.

 

Edited September 22, 2020 by homecoming

[d0nnivain]

In a university setting "let's be friends" meant don't cause drama if we have a class, walk past each other on campus or show up at the same party / bar.  It does not mean lets talk or hang out or stay connected on social media

It's a new semester.  Reinvent yourself.  Study in a different part of the library (assuming it's open due to Covid); join a new campus group, take a random class for fun.  You will get through this break up.  College is about learning & growing as a person but not all lessons are taught in a classroom 

[schlumpy]

Any behavior can be weaponized. It depends on the person and their intentions.

A long term silent treatment is certainly a punishment if the relationship has not been formally ended. It can be used as a weapon to get one's way.

I would not consider a brief silent treatment that is aimed cooling emotions and not saying things in anger that cannot be taken back as an abusive tactic. 

NC is not the silent treatment. It is for a person that is trying to heal from a broken relationship. The relationship is over and it's time to move on but constant contact with the former SO is keeping that from happening.

As with so much in life, it depends on the context.

[elaine567]

The silent treatment being doled out, is part of an ongoing relationship, it does not refer  to the NC/ghosting after a break up.

[elaine567]

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/07/the-silent-treatment/

Quote

At best the silent treatment is an immature behavior used by spoiled brats and manipulative individuals.
At worst, it is a weapon used by abusers to punish their victims.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, homecoming said:

 - avoiding and ignoring me in person and via messages. 

It's best to back off in this case. How were they avoiding you in person? Never keep messaging if someone does not respond. It doesn't matter what diagnoses you think he has. What matters is he has every right to simply stop talking or going NC after an argument. 

It would be best to avoid him and delete and block him from all your messaging apps and social media if you feel tempted to keep contacting him.

[homecoming]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's best to back off in this case. How were they avoiding you in person? Never keep messaging if someone does not respond. It doesn't matter what diagnoses you think he has. What matters is he has every right to simply stop talking or going NC after an argument. 

It would be best to avoid him and delete and block him from all your messaging apps and social media if you feel tempted to keep contacting him.

I haven’t attempted contact for a while, this post was just a mere discussion, I guess. Was reading about ST and NC, and there seemed to be a lot of crossing over between the two terms.

Avoiding me in person: we were on the same university degree, small classes, lots of mutual friends that kept asking me why ex wasn’t speaking to me. Long story, anyway, not really one I want to start going back into, was very stressful and painful. 

Edited September 22, 2020 by homecoming

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, homecoming said:

I was dating someone who ended things after they had a sudden anger outburst at me. After telling me we could be friends, they immediately stopped talking to me - avoiding and ignoring me in person and via messages. 

NC is usually for the person who didn't initiate the break up or was on the receiving end of some mess. It stops them from keeping hope alive.

What this person is doing is being manipulative--because one day they will start communicating with you and think all is well between you two.

Edited September 22, 2020 by kendahke

[homecoming]

1 minute ago, kendahke said:

NC is usually for the person who didn't initiate the break up. It stops them from keeping hope alive.

What this person is doing is being manipulative--because one day they will start communicating with you and think all is well between you two.

Either way, I’ve blocked them on all platforms and changed my number, so they can’t reach out. 

[homecoming]

5 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Any behavior can be weaponized. It depends on the person and their intentions.

A long term silent treatment is certainly a punishment if the relationship has not been formally ended. It can be used as a weapon to get one's way.

I would not consider a brief silent treatment that is aimed cooling emotions and not saying things in anger that cannot be taken back as an abusive tactic. 

NC is not the silent treatment. It is for a person that is trying to heal from a broken relationship. The relationship is over and it's time to move on but constant contact with the former SO is keeping that from happening.

As with so much in life, it depends on the context.

I see - yes, a relationship that hasn’t been formally ended, that makes sense. Looks like this person just decided to go NC, rather than any form of manipulation. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, homecoming said:

Avoiding me in person: we were on the same university degree, small classes, lots of mutual friends that kept asking me why ex wasn’t speaking to me.

Well exes don't have to speak to each other so why are friends asking you this? 

[homecoming]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well exes don't have to speak to each other so why are friends asking you this? 

I have no idea why they’d be asking me that, I can’t speak for them. Anyway - without being blunt, I’m sticking to the discussion about differences between NC and ST.

Edited September 22, 2020 by homecoming

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, homecoming said:

I have no idea why they’d be asking me that. They weren’t aware that we’d split, perhaps? I have no idea. They weren’t privy to our private lives.

My guess your ex blamed you for him not speaking to you, to get the sympathy vote from your mutual friends.
Your friends were fishing for your side of the story.

Edited September 22, 2020 by elaine567

[homecoming]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

My guess your ex blamed you for him not speaking to you, to get the sympathy vote from your mutual friends.
Your friends were fishing for your side of the story.

No, these were friends at uni - we'd only recently gone back at the time after summer holidays, and perhaps the friends were questioning why we weren't talking/sitting together, as they hadn't seen either of us for a while. My ex didn't speak to those people outside of uni, neither did I. That's what I'm assuming - they didn't know we'd split up. The people asking me weren't doing so in a kind of gossipy way, but more innocently - they were just used to seeing her and I together, that's all. They had no idea anything had happened. Anyway - this isn't really relevant to the OP so and that time of my life was very stressful. More just interested in the differences between NC and ST

Edited September 22, 2020 by homecoming

[ajequals]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

In the silent treatment, the person is usually trying to manipulate you.  They go silent in the hopes that you will miss them & chase them.  They are trying to apply the absence makes the heart grow fonder principle.  They are immature & don't have the ability to talk things out maturely so they play games.  

Some people employ the silent treatment because they can't handle knowing they hurt you, the person they used to love. So they just up & disappear because they don't want to see the pain they caused.   This sounds like your EX.  

NC is usually for the dumpee, not the dumper. It's the advice we give the heartbroken to prevent them from chasing somebody who has already thrown them away.  It's a means of self preservation.   We tell the dumpee to go NC to cut their EX out of their life as a step toward healing.  In rare situations, when the dumpee chases & begs & generally makes a pest of themselves by not accepting the break up or leaving the dumper alone, the dumper can & should implement NC by telling the dumpee that they are cutting them off & blocking them for their own good.  

Your EX told you an age old white lie when they said you could be friends.  They didn't really mean friends who stay in contact.  They meant, people who don't hate each other & who have no drama in public if they accidently bump into each other while out & about. Stop trying to talk to your EX.  You may have crossed the lines & turned into a pest.  Find your own closure & move forward.  

 

Although I agree with most of your post. What power does a man, if that who the OP is talking about  have in a relationship.?  IMHO... His time. Other than that women are completely in charge in ever aspect. It's not a ploy. or a manipulation. It's our only power .. Maturity has nothing to do with it. I have experienced this before , women can survive alone on the emotional connection a man's time gives , where men need the physical connection,  we want you to show us you love or care about us. an emotional connection does not do that, we feel we are being used.  Hope this makes sense

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, ajequals said:

Although I agree with most of your post. What power does a man, if that who the OP is talking about  have in a relationship.?  IMHO... His time. Other than that women are completely in charge in ever aspect. It's not a ploy. or a manipulation. It's our only power .. Maturity has nothing to do with it. I have experienced this before , women can survive alone on the emotional connection a man's time gives , where men need the physical connection,  we want you to show us you love or care about us. an emotional connection does not do that, we feel we are being used.  Hope this makes sense

Homecoming's ex is a woman.

[homecoming]

11 minutes ago, ajequals said:

Although I agree with most of your post. What power does a man, if that who the OP is talking about  have in a relationship.?  IMHO... His time. Other than that women are completely in charge in ever aspect. It's not a ploy. or a manipulation. It's our only power .. Maturity has nothing to do with it. I have experienced this before , women can survive alone on the emotional connection a man's time gives , where men need the physical connection,  we want you to show us you love or care about us. an emotional connection does not do that, we feel we are being used.  Hope this makes sense

This was a same sex relationship ✌️

[d0nnivain]

Homecoming 

Glad you made yourself tough to contact.  Do be polite if you see your EX around campus.  A tight lipped smile & a curt nod of the head is all that is required.  Then move along. 

If the busybodies ask, say something banal like "we broke up".  If they press, tell them point blank the details are none of their business.   Whatever you do, don't spread gossip about an EX. 

In a small academic setting I had a relationship end.  When people asked, all I said was something like "We just had different visions of what happily ever after looked like"  & I left it at that.  I never said a bad word about him to anybody who wasn't a close (& closed mouthed) dear friend. 

The high road is the best choice -- less crowded.  

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, homecoming said:

I have read suggest that this is a horrendously abusive act, other things suggest that this is fine and no one owes anyone 'closure'.

No contact is after a relationship ends. For peace and reflection. Silent treatment is passive aggressive pouting etc rather than articulating anything, while in a relationship. It's not "horrendously abusive", just childish.

Avoid her. it's that simple. Do your own No Contact so you can reflect in peace. The more head space your apply to this the more power you are voluntarily handing over.

[ShyViolet]

"No contact" has a finality to it... the relationship is truly dead and over, and the person has made a decision never to be in contact with the other person again.  "The silent treatment" suggests that the relationship has not officially ended, that there might be contact again at some point.

[homecoming]

25 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

"No contact" has a finality to it... the relationship is truly dead and over, and the person has made a decision never to be in contact with the other person again.  "The silent treatment" suggests that the relationship has not officially ended, that there might be contact again at some point.

Thanks - it's making more sense, now.