How school affected your future friendships and relationships

[emeraldgreen]

I'm in my 40s, left school in 1990 so this is some old baggage but it's been on my mind a lot lately.

Kids in school called me bucky because of two protruding teeth that I couldn't get braces for until I was 16. I was teased a lot in those years but in my first year of high school (I guess Americans call this junior high), I was befriended by a guy who was the most popular in school. I guess I was the sidekick, but he knew my true value as a person even when the other kids just considered me "Damien's friend". In class, I would make a joke to him, and then he'd make the same joke to the whole class to thunderous laughter. You get the idea, I was living in the shadows.

Often when I liked a girl, I would find out she liked my friend more. I never developed the confidence to approach them, and I never made friends beyond a small group of which my friend was the centre.

I left high school earlier than my friends and began working. Being out of proximity and working in the grown up world, I just lost touch after a year or so. I didn't socialise with anyone, didn't have a girlfriend until I was 22. As I got older, I bloomed - got my teeth sorted out, pursued career goals, got married (later divorced), was considered pretty attractive. But I just never let people in. I used to think I hated people, but I guess I was scared of them - their judgment, rejection, humiliation. In my 20s I was a pretty angry guy, not outwardly but always aimed at myself. I did my best to get through my 30s, working hard, going to the gym, still living the loner life though.

Life after 40 has been amazing, I have to say. I went through some treatments for depression. I have a lovely girlfriend, my career has been booming (even in 2020) and with a job in the public eye, I have a lot of supportive followers and industry professionals. I'm a confident introvert in most areas of my life. But here's the thing - I still don't have friends. I never meet new people, I never answer the phone unless I know who's calling and I've started looking back at school this year and wondering if I'd feel a lot better if I'd known how to navigate people and friendships when I was young. If it weren't for internet dating as a way to get the ball rolling, I'm sure I'd still be single.

My old friend got in touch with me by email after no contact for 30 years. I waited 5 months to answer the email and he was surprised that high school was so hard for me. He had no idea. I tried to forget school for a long time, but lately it feels like a puzzle I need to solve or at least come to terms with.

Even if I'm in a good place in a lot of areas now, how do I reconcile how different things might be if I'd learn to kiss that girl, let those people in, take a chance on meeting new people? If it weren't for my 3-year relationship with an amazing girl, I sometimes feel I'd end up being that old guy in the house next door who died 6 months ago but nobody noticed.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Often introverts think a lot about "what could have, or should have been." I really doubt your existence would be much different at this time had you had a different experience in high school.

And I do think a lot of folks are late bloomers who do better after high school than they ever expected to. I actually think it's a quite common phenomenon.

It sounds as if you're doing very well, though, now. So what's to solve? I just encourage you to enjoy the present! I'm happy to read that you're confident, successful and have the lovely girlfriend! Way to go!

[MsJayne]

Most people don't have armies of friends, especially not close friends, and if you bumped into someone from your high school days you'd probably find that their lives aren't a glittering whirl of social engagements either.  Aside from that, you learned early how shallow people are, so you probably don't go out of your way to initiate friendships with other men. Being a loner isn't a crime, and it's not an indication that you're inadequate in some way.  

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, emeraldgreen said:

Even if I'm in a good place in a lot of areas now, how do I reconcile how different things might be if I'd learn to kiss that girl, let those people in, take a chance on meeting new people? If it weren't for my 3-year relationship with an amazing girl, I sometimes feel I'd end up being that old guy in the house next door who died 6 months ago but nobody noticed.

You have to stop looking backwards.  Your formative years may have been tough but they made you who you are now -- the industrious hard working guy who built a successful career.  If you had kissed the girl & stayed in school, you would have missed other opportunities that came your way because you were in the workforce. 

Instead of lamenting the road not taken, let it go.  Assume you are on the path you are supposed to be on & celebrate the fact that even as a late bloomer you made it work. 

Occasionally thinking what if can be alluring but picking one path means you lose out on another.  For example in my freshman year of a HS another freshman football player asked me out.  Being very shy I assumed he was setting me up to be the butt of a joke, ala every bad 80s movie, & I turned him down cruelly.  He went on to be the captain of the football team with all that entails.  I used to wonder how my life would have been different if I had gone out with him.  We probably would have been HS sweethearts & I would have been popular by association but I would have been pressured to smoke, drink, party & have sex before I was ready.  I probably would have gone to a different college to be closer to him & I never would have met my sorority sisters who are anchors in my life.  I may have not gone to grad school & odds are I would not have had the opportunity to be there for my parents at the end of their lives.   Even though I may have lost some things, I gained others.  You need to stop looking at what you lost & celebrate what you have.  Be happy in the present!

Edited September 23, 2020 by d0nnivain