Seeing MM whilesearching for Mr Right?

[MrsTiffany]

I've been with MM for over 3 years..I tried to walk few times only for us to start seeing other again.lately i keep having that nagging feeling to end it. I'm wanting more from him but at the same time, we get along well, no heaches..single guys give me headeche so I'm scared to go out there..it's brutal and hard to find the right men. Anyone who is single and in the dating world knows what i'm talking about lol. Part of me has desire to start dating but can't let MM go. is it possible to continue seeing MM while searching for available men? or would i have to to let MM go  first?

[mark clemson]

You can DO whatever you want. However, I'd think it would be hard to form a solid emotional connection with a new person while you still have feelings for the MM. Also, you'd start your new relationship from a place of dishonesty as you'd presumably not tell the new BF. If/when you eventually detach from the MM this might seriously bite you in the rear as you'd probably feel guilty and like you need to come clean for the BF. He, of course, would see it as cheating (which it fact it would be) and probably either be extremely angry or bail. This seems like a very self-defeating approach to things - like shooting yourself in the foot.

It sounds like you feel a need to monkeybranch. You might see an IC to help figure out why that is, rather than simply being on your own - some form of unconscious insecurity or similar, possibly. It'd be MUCH wiser to start the new relationship with a clean state if at all possible.

Edited September 23, 2020 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

is it possible to continue seeing MM while searching for available men? or would i have to to let MM go  first?

Well I will ask you this, how much do you think the men you date are going to appreciate the fact that you are in a relationship with another man? When do you plan to tell them? And a serious question, what do you think their opinion of you is going to be when they learn that you have been sleeping with another woman’s husband for the last three years?

I don’t mean to be harsh, but the sense of entitlement in your post is kind of astounding... You got to get real girl,  cause you are living in a fantasy land...

Edited September 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[MrsTiffany]

51 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well I will ask you this, how much do you think the men you date are going to appreciate the fact that you are in a relationship with another man? When do you plan to tell them? And a serious question, what do you think their opinion of you is going to be when they learn that you have been sleeping with another woman’s husband for the last three years?

I don’t mean to be harsh, but the sense of entitlement in your post is kind of astounding... You got to get real girl,  cause you are living in a fantasy land...

I know this comes off as shady but as soon as i met someone worthwhile, ofcourse mm will be dropped. I've already expressed my feelings with MM and he said he thought i was already seeing other people  and was i shocked when i said i haven't been dating. The reason why i'm hesitent to let MM go is because I'm not confident i will find a decent dude. I met one a while back, but he wasn't willing to meet in public even though he claimed to be single  so I  had to let him go. MM and i only see each other once every 2 weeks. Also i already told MM that we should put a dead line as i will need to move on soon or later. but both us can't let go

Edited September 23, 2020 by MrsTiffany

[Mystery4u]

Sounds like you need to build up your self confidence and self esteem (not to mention self worth, which clearly is nowhere to be seen), so that you are actually happy with yourself first.

Then you can do what you should have done a long time ago and stop seeing this MM, without excuses such as 'we just cant let go'.

When you are happy with yourself, you will have no problem searching for Mr Right, without the shadow of this MM holding you back.

[Negotaurus]

Clearly you struggle with decent boundaries, dumping a man to start looking for another would be a way to start. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

The reason why i'm hesitent to let MM go is because I'm not confident i will find a decent dude. 

You don't have a decent dude in MM either, OP. 

[d0nnivain]

There are only so many hours in a day.  Every minute you waste on this MM is time that you are not spending doing something more productive for yourself.  Until you give him up, you will remain single, stuck, unfulfilled & unhappy.  The choice is yours but understand the choice you are making.  

[FMW]

You aren't going to interact with or connect with someone in an authentic way while you are still seeing MM.  After three years he's a deeply ingrained part of your life, even if you only see him every two weeks.  You have to actively and consciously cut that connection before you will be open and receptive to someone else.  Plus it's likely that the terms of this relationship have created some damage to your ability to make a real connection.  That damage can't be healed until you close the door on MM.     

Short of some guy coming charging in on a white horse and sweeping you off your feet with how absolutely awesome he is in every way, it's unlikely you'll find someone else until you are completely unattached.  I think that's true of anyone in any romantic situation, regardless of the marital status of either of the partners.     

[Watercolors]

Mrs Tiffany how did you and MM meet? Is he your first affair with a MM? Or, is this a pattern that you follow? 

I don’t think you can meet another guy while you’re emotionally attached to your MM. 

I disagree with your dating philosophy that you’re better off with your MM while you continue your search for Mr Right, b/c your self confidence is so low that you think being with a MM who has a wife (and children?) is fulfilling. How does MM fulfill you? A guy who has an affair shouldn’t even be married. I mean, you’re just setting yourself up for financial ruin to get married when all you want to do is sleep with every woman that crosses your path. That’s how I view men who have affairs — idiots who wear their penises on their sleeve. 

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Try it out...  tell him you want a $500 purse and he owes it to you. Tell him he owes you an expensive vacation.

While I think your overall point is well taken SB, I'm not sure the above would fly in any relationship, even with a rich guy. Maybe a super-rich one or a complete pushover, dunno. Asking for something nice isn't the same as telling someone they owe it to you, especially when they don't.

[EPC82]

MrsTiffany,

I said goodbye to my MM mid August and now he's back. Failed attempted. Ugh.

Anyhow...I'm in the exact same situation as you. 3 years, FWB situation, definitely have a hard time making connections with other men because MM is blocking my path emotionally. 

I have no advice to offer but I can entirely commiserate. 

[MrsTiffany]

Thank you guys for your insights. Some of you opened my eyes.The reason why I lack confidence in finding the right men is because I never had any luck in the dating department even before MM came along. Most single men I meet are only interested sex. Some don't seem that interested and they're wishy washy. Some treated me badly. I find dating tough.

Just to answer some of your questions, MM is my first affair  and last affair. I usually don't get invloved with taken men if i know ahead of time that information.

 

  I met him at my old job . We no longer work for the same company. When we met, I was at a bad place emotionally. I had gotten out of an on and off again toxic relationship...a year later I met MM. But I was also at dark place in my life dealing with my mom's death and other issues while attending therapy. I was also feeling suicidal and didn't see a reason to live and thought death was the answer to end my pain. Then MM started paying attention to me and would find reasons to come on the floors are was working on( we worked in different departments) Then he ended up giving me his number and told me to text him. I was over the moon and so ecxited.From there one we started chatting outside work and the spark ignited. And he openly told me that he had been checking me for while and really wanted to talk me but wanted to be respectful since it was a work place. Having another man paying attention to  me was a great distraction to what I was going through. I was back to my old self emotionally.

At this point I was still unaware of MM relationship status. I just assumed he was single, since he was pursing me. Then all the sudden he asked me if I have kids and a boyfriend. Ofcourse I said NO. Then i returned the question and said ' i hope you're single too"? He responded and said " he still lives with his partner and their 2 children but they're trying to find ways to separate without impacting the kids. I asked why they are separating and he said and they grew apart and are not together even though they still live in the same house. I told him that I don't want to be the OW  but if they're really separating then it's fine. He then said he doesn't want me to feel that way which why he is being honest with me.

I know now looking back, I should have walked away at that point. It was stupid of me to continue seeing him while he was still living at home. Part of me wanted to believe him. And ofcourse MM never moved out. I tried walking away few times over the course of our affair when i started feeling discontent without having him fully and knowing deep down he isn't really mine. But each time our separation doesn't last long on both of our side. And anyone who has been in this position knows how difficult it can be to end an affair once you're hooked

I finally confronted MM not too long ago and asked him why he lied about separating from his SO and why he pursued me when he never had any intention of leaving. He apologized and said he never went into this with any intention to hurt me. And he inisist that it wasn't a lie. Him and his live in SO were planning to separate when he met me and he was at bad place as things were not going well at home. So he was looking for ecxitment, distraction and fun when we started talking. while he was honest with me about them separating, he never told me that things were getting better at home..hence why he never moved out. According to him. And he said he didn't want to see things chance  when he started having feelings for me which why he never told me that him and his SO decided to work things out.

So I expressed my feelings and told him that soon a later i have to go on with my life as  I can't stay with status quo indefinately and I  will always  want more than i can have. him and his SO own a house and 2 kids so i know he isn't going anywhere.  so he knows the day will come when i have to say good bye. But i keep putting it off as it is hard for me to say good bye but i know it has to be done and i keep prolonging the inetivable . i wish if MM was all mine so i don't have to back in the dating scene. And if if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have gotten involved with a MM. And it's not something i will do again based on this experiance.

Edited September 23, 2020 by MrsTiffany

[MrsTiffany]

I also want to add that MM also said it will be hard for him to not have me in his life because he has fallen for me. but at the same time I don't think  leaving his comfofy house and kids is an option. so it's a predicament situation I wish I didn't tangle myself in

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

I know this comes off as shady but as soon as i met someone worthwhile, ofcourse mm will be dropped. I've already expressed my feelings with MM and he said he thought i was already seeing other people  and was i shocked when i said i haven't been dating. The reason why i'm hesitent to let MM go is because I'm not confident i will find a decent dude.

What is even the point of staying with the MM if you know you'll drop him at some point?  Why not just drop him now and get it over with?  What are you doing, just keeping him around as a "place holder"?  You are kind of sabotaging your own chances of a good future relationship with this strategy.  What guy is going to want to get involved with a woman who is seeing a MM?  

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, MrsTiffany said:

I also want to add that MM also said it will be hard for him to not have me in his life because he has fallen for me. but at the same time I don't think  leaving his comfofy house and kids is an option. so it's a predicament situation I wish I didn't tangle myself in

I encourage you to listen to podcasts about toxic relationships and narcissists. Sounds like MM was hunting for a woman to have an affair with, and when he stumbled across you he saw you as the perfect supply for his ego due to your emotional vulnerably state of mind, having just lost your mother, ending your toxic r/s and being in therapy. 

And like ShyViolet suggested, why put off what you know you need to do with MM. End this entanglement with him now. Postponing it won't change the outcome. It will be awkward for both of you once you separate from each other, b/c frankly, MM belongs in therapy for his indiscretion with you and marriage counseling with his wife, and you need to not date anyone until you have healed your grief from your mother's death, and finished therapy discussing your previous toxic r/s. 

[MsJayne]

Please just dump the lying, manipulative, narcissistic MM. Not only will it free you up to find someone decent, but it will also help build your self esteem by being the one who properly ends it. I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of explanation, just stop communicating with him and block him, and if he fronts up to tell you he's leaving his wife because he can't live without you, tell him to come find you when he's actually left. It's such a shame that a-holes like this guy don't come with a visible brown aura, it would save so many people so much trouble. 

[BaileyB]

MissTiffany, you are far too kind. You were in a vulnerable place and this man took advantage of your vulnerability, your naivety, and your trust. That’s shameful. Whether he knew it or not, you were ripe for the picking and he took advantage of that fact. He was unhappy in his relationship (or so he says), he was looking for a distraction (or a little extra adoration, affection, sex), and he has used you for the three years for his own personal pleasure - in much the same way that you have used him to meet your own emotional needs. It’s a pretty textbook affair. 

You sound like a nice enough person who Has obviously made a really poor decision for her life. You trusted unwisely, and the emotion you feel for the man has clouded your better judgment for the past three years. It continues to cloud your better judgement, give your question above. 

For here you stand, three years later, still telling your love story... except, it doesn’t have a happy ending. 

At some point, you will need to find the courage to let go. You will need to find the strength to deal with the hard feelings and go it alone. You will need to put in the effort to find YOUR love story. This isn’t it. This man belongs to another. I hope you find your love someday... I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom.

 

Edited September 24, 2020 by BaileyB

[Luna66star]

I don't mean to sound harsh  but I think you are emotionally unavailable.  You are attracted to what you are.  MM is EU as well, so it is comfortable for both of you.

The reason you might be afraid to let go is that you are scared of fully committing to someone else.  MM is a part time lover who doesn't  challenge you to be fully open and commit to a man.  

I say this from experience.  I was involved with MM at work once and your story is remarkably similar.  In my case, he befriended a lonely vulnerable woman who was open to his attention.  I might as well have worn a neon sign that said "I'm desperate".

The truth of the matter is MM made it easy for me to stay in my bubble, and  not get out there to meet new people.  I was scared to go out and take the risk with single men because, well, I'm not at all confident in myself. 

In my case, I realized I was living a life craving stolen moments/crumbs with MM.   Basically, my self esteem kept plummeting and I asked, what do I have to show after all the time i have given to this MM.  Answer:  Zero, nothing.  They don't leave, believe me.  We are being used period.

As long as you keep this thing going with MM, you will never move on.  I think deep down you don't want to go anywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MrsTiffany]

44 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I don't mean to sound harsh  but I think you are emotionally unavailable.  You are attracted to what you are.  MM is EU as well, so it is comfortable for both of you.

The reason you might be afraid to let go is that you are scared of fully committing to someone else.  MM is a part time lover who doesn't  challenge you to be fully open and commit to a man.  

I say this from experience.  I was involved with MM at work once and your story is remarkably similar.  In my case, he befriended a lonely vulnerable woman who was open to his attention.  I might as well have worn a neon sign that said "I'm desperate".

The truth of the matter is MM made it easy for me to stay in my bubble, and  not get out there to meet new people.  I was scared to go out and take the risk with single men because, well, I'm not at all confident in myself. 

In my case, I realized I was living a life craving stolen moments/crumbs with MM.   Basically, my self esteem kept plummeting and I asked, what do I have to show after all the time i have given to this MM.  Answer:  Zero, nothing.  They don't leave, believe me.  We are being used period.

As long as you keep this thing going with MM, you will never move on.  I think deep down you don't want to go anywhere.

I'm open to all views and You're partly right. At some point ealier with him, there were times were i was content. As you said, I could still have him part time and have my own life without having to answer to anyone. And MM never made any demands or gave me any  headache/stress and we never fought which why I was able to last this long in this affair. But eventually I started wishing if MM was truly mine. I started fantasizing what our life would like together, going out on dates, hanging out in public freely,  having sleep overs , flaunting him on face book..Doing cute things together ...if only he was available. So I started wanting much more which he can't give and my discontent of not having him fully started growing to point where I would break it off. Then days apart i miss him  and the reason why i left would fade . So either gets in touch and we get back contact and I'm hooked again like an addiction  for a quick fix and then feeling rubbish once the reality sinks that we never be together officially and it's dead end road. so they are constant lows and highs and an inner conflict .Also, there is cognitive dissonance going on.  Whenever I see a family out together in public, I think of MM and his family and feel a twinge of jealousy. Now It's getting to point where staying hurts more than leaving . So I have no choice but to end it. As i will reach a rock bottom as i face the inevitable I want to stay with MM but not under these circumstances. I don't enjoy being an OW and it's not something i ever felt good about myself deep down. Of course I want my own man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[pepperbird2]

On 9/23/2020 at 12:04 AM, BaileyB said:

Well I will ask you this, how much do you think the men you date are going to appreciate the fact that you are in a relationship with another man? When do you plan to tell them? And a serious question, what do you think their opinion of you is going to be when they learn that you have been sleeping with another woman’s husband for the last three years?

I don’t mean to be harsh, but the sense of entitlement in your post is kind of astounding... You got to get real girl,  cause you are living in a fantasy land...

This is just my opinion, but if it were me and I was a guy I wouldn't get involved with a woman I knew had been in an affair, either as a WS or OW. It would indicate to me that they are comfortable with dishonesty if it gives them a reward.

Op, I'm not you. What do you think is the right thing to do? Take a chance or stay with the status quo? I once heard a saying that if you take a chance, something bad might happen or something wonderful might happen. If you don't take that risk, nothing happens. If you still need help sorting this out, try thinking of yourself 10 years form now. How would you feel about the affair? Would you see it as having been a good thing or a waste of your time/ emotional energy?

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

This is just my opinion, but if it were me and I was a guy I wouldn't get involved with a woman I knew had been in an affair, either as a WS or OW. It would indicate to me that they are comfortable with dishonesty.

I agree. It would be a HUGE red flag for me. 

[EPC82]

pepperbird2,

Woman (and men) who fall for unavailable people rarely do so intentionally. There are subtle undertones to your comment that imply we OW's are gross, spoiled and not worthy of a respectable man's love. 

MrsTiffany has admitted to self-love issues, do you honestly think implying that she is just a walking red flag to men is helpful?

Let's lift each other up. Try to make each other better. Encourage each other to make healthy decisions. 

 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

Woman (and men) who fall for unavailable people rarely do so intentionally. 

Perhaps not, but they do make the decision to ignore relationship boundaries and deceive others when they chose to engage in a relationship with a man who is committed to another woman. And that, should give anyone pause when considering a new relationship partner. 

It’s not that the OW is unworthy of love. Rather, is a woman who has demonstrated the ability to engage in a deceptive and inappropriate relationship with another woman’s husband for years worthy of trust? Healthy and strong relationships tend to be built on honesty and trust. As I said, this kind of relationship history would be a huge red flag for me when considering a serious relationship with this individual. Just something to think about - what does this look like, from the point of view of a potential relationship partner? 

Edited September 24, 2020 by BaileyB

[EPC82]

BaileyB,

Life is messy and love doesn't always take the most logical course. Monogamy requires intention as it is NOT natural to our species. Falling in love with someone unavailable is as old as the hills. The OW/OM's on here are not sexual deviants, we are just people who followed our dopamine and oxytocin into situations that suck, and hurt. 

I've not seen as single thread on here were some OW is talking about all the merrits of her situation. We are trying to fix it. We are trying to to climb out of the emotional hole we find ourselves in and attempt to use logic as the rope by which to do it. 

I am not a red flag. I lack self-love and I am hurting, but I am resilient and self-reflective and whole human being with so much to offer.

Soooo much judgement on here. Judgement is not productive. So disappointing.