Seeing MM whilesearching for Mr Right?

[elaine567]

23 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

I finally confronted MM not too long ago and asked him why he lied about separating from his SO and why he pursued me when he never had any intention of leaving. He apologized and said he never went into this with any intention to hurt me.

Like many men in affairs they use the OW to shore up their unfulfilling relationship. She makes him feel better, boosts his confidence and makes his life more bearable.
By being there  for him, she is not edging closer to them being together, she is bolstering up his marriage/relationship.
Whilst she sees a time when they can be together, he has no intentions of doing that.
His needs both physical and emotional are now being met by two women and that feels good.
He wants to maintain the status quo for as long as he can.
Life is great, a lovely happy SO at home with his kids and a besotted woman on the side... What's not to like?  

Edited September 24, 2020 by elaine567

[sandylee1]

1 hour ago, EPC82 said:

BaileyB,

Life is messy and love doesn't always take the most logical course. Monogamy requires intention as it is NOT natural to our species. Falling in love with someone unavailable is as old as the hills. The OW/OM's on here are not sexual deviants, we are just people who followed our dopamine and oxytocin into situations that suck, and hurt. 

I've not seen as single thread on here were some OW is talking about all the merrits of her situation. We are trying to fix it. We are trying to to climb out of the emotional hole we find ourselves in and attempt to use logic as the rope by which to do it. 

I am not a red flag. I lack self-love and I am hurting, but I am resilient and self-reflective and whole human being with so much to offer.

Soooo much judgement on here. Judgement is not productive. So disappointing. 

I think this truth is hard for you to hear. Whatever the reason...lack of confidence or low self esteem.. engaging in 3 year affair with a MM, is an indication...a very clear one that the OW is comfortable with deception. 

It indicates she has boundary issues.. many people do,  but not to this extent.

Being worthy of love? Well if you don't love yourself enough not to be a hidden secret for years and settle for stolen moments...it's a big ask to expect love in return. 

 

 

[EPC82]

Sandylee1,

Do not talk of clear indications when you are referring to me. I am NOT comfortable with deception, and as I am sitting in the same boat as the other OW's in this forum I am inclined to believe that they are not either. You view us through your lense and I see that your lense has morphed us into the "villians".

Sure, low self esteeem. Yes, a difficult time accepting healthy love but you don't know me. You don't know my experiences. You don't know what I've been through to create my low self-esteem. 

Its never simple...so again...Stop. With. All. The. Judgement. 

[MrsTiffany]

3 hours ago, sandylee1 said:

I think this truth is hard for you to hear. Whatever the reason...lack of confidence or low self esteem.. engaging in 3 year affair with a MM, is an indication...a very clear one that the OW is comfortable with deception. 

It indicates she has boundary issues.. many people do,  but not to this extent.

Being worthy of love? Well if you don't love yourself enough not to be a hidden secret for years and settle for stolen moments...it's a big ask to expect love in return. 

 

 

"Being worthy of love? Well if you don't love yourself enough not to be a hidden secret for years and settle for stolen moments...it's a big ask to expect love in return".  

'ouch' ! You see before I came to this site, I was conflicted weather i should keep seeing MM until I find an available man since MM and I are not officially together. And I feel unfulfilled and want more than he can give.  So i thought there wouldn't be any harm keeping my options open and still have MM in my life  since I'm having a hard time letting him go even though I knew deep down that I will be rebounding if i get involved with a new guy without taking time to be alone, heal and work on myself. I'm so invested in MM that I have no interest  in dating. Coming to this site helped me to gain more perspective and self affirmation. I can now see I won't be able to move on unless I let MM go and detach from him emotionally  if I want to be open to a authentic  relationship with an available man.It was also comforting to read post from other women who can relate and are in the same predicament.

But then this post went from  being supportive and encouraging along to a morally higher path, to downright judgment and condemnation. In that case, then we're not  going to hear what you're saying  Sandylee1, as this puts us into a defense mode, where we will feel the need to justify and defend our role as an OW, since we're s***tty people that deserve the dreads.

With that being said, I agree that being a former OW  will definitely be a big turn off for most people as  it doesn't look good from the point of view of a potential relationship/ partner since this is viewed  as black and white issue even though things are not always as simple as they appear on the surface .But  why on earth who would anyone tell potential  partners that they were previously  involved with a MM? I personally wouldn't. So good luck making that choice because  you won't know that information. If MM had been long gone by the time i connect with someone new, Then I don't see how it's necessary to divulge the information. For what? That will be self sabotage. 

 

In fact none of my friends or family know my involvement with MM. Which is a clear indication that it's not something I'm proud of or feel good about myself. At this point, I take this experiance as a learning curve to  not make the same mistake in subsequent relationships and going forward

 

 

[DKT3]

7 hours ago, EPC82 said:

pepperbird2,

Woman (and men) who fall for unavailable people rarely do so intentionally. There are subtle undertones to your comment that imply we OW's are gross, spoiled and not worthy of a respectable man's love. 

MrsTiffany has admitted to self-love issues, do you honestly think implying that she is just a walking red flag to men is helpful?

Let's lift each other up. Try to make each other better. Encourage each other to make healthy decisions. 

 

Its very difficult to make healthy decisions when we can't own our past bad ones. Of course she intended on falling for this guy or else she would not have. Unfaithful people make those choices by willingly and eagerly engaging with married people.  They slowly cross one boundary after another and because they don't usually make one huge move at once they play ignorance.  Oh I never meant for this to happen.  I mean those totally normal 3 am texts and dirty pics mean nothing.  Come on. 

There is only one situation where its not the intent, when they are lied to and being told the person was single. 

[pepperbird2]

20 hours ago, EPC82 said:

pepperbird2,

Woman (and men) who fall for unavailable people rarely do so intentionally. There are subtle undertones to your comment that imply we OW's are gross, spoiled and not worthy of a respectable man's love. 

MrsTiffany has admitted to self-love issues, do you honestly think implying that she is just a walking red flag to men is helpful?

Let's lift each other up. Try to make each other better. Encourage each other to make healthy decisions. 

 

She asked the question. One chooses the behaviour, they choose the consequences,and I;m sorry, but I don't believe for one minute the " I didn't choose this" mentality. It has nothing to do with whether or not someone is a bad person. it has everything to do with recognizing we can make choices and what we chose will impact our happiness. Thinking otherwise would make the OP a victim, ans if she does that,s he gives away her power.

[Watercolors]

16 hours ago, EPC82 said:

Sandylee1,

Do not talk of clear indications when you are referring to me. I am NOT comfortable with deception, and as I am sitting in the same boat as the other OW's in this forum I am inclined to believe that they are not either. You view us through your lense and I see that your lense has morphed us into the "villians".

Sure, low self esteeem. Yes, a difficult time accepting healthy love but you don't know me. You don't know my experiences. You don't know what I've been through to create my low self-esteem. 

Its never simple...so again...Stop. With. All. The. Judgement. 

But MsTiffany chose to spend 3 years with this MM. Once she learned that he was married, she could have easily mustered up the courage to tell him that she can't be with a married man. But MsTiffany didn't do that. Instead, she went full speed ahead for 3 years! No one is calling you or MsTiffany the villain. You called yourself that.

What I think you and MsTiffany are, is a very misguided women who somehow equates Limerence (a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated) with real love. A married man cannot give you real love. That's just not possible. No OW has ever received "real" love from her affair partner. Real love only exists between two available adults; and by available, I mean that literally as in they aren't with another person.

 

Edited September 25, 2020 by Watercolors

[MrsTiffany]

Generally most people would agree that it's not an intent when you don't know that you're the OW. That's self explanatory. What we are saying is, sometimes there are some underlying issues that pushed us into that direction and once you're you're hooked, it's hard to break away as it becomes an addiction. After  reading stories of  other single OW's in this forum , I noticed that most attempt to break it off a few times until they finally break it off for good. Every time you try to walk away, your brain starts to craving the  oxytocin when adjusting to a new normal.  Then you start craving for that that notification on  your cell phone . Once you get that quick fix  you start feeling rubbish when the reality hit again. I know it's hard to understand  for someone who has never been in this situation.

In my case I was naive, too trusting, depressed and not thinking clearly. I didn't go in with expectations, all i thought was , He's  going separation , I guess we will go with the flow and see where this leads. Had MM came out and said he had no intention of leaving and him and his SO are still totally together but was just bored and looking for some fun on the side, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him. As a matter of fact of fact, I had a man proposed that offer in the past.  Once he called me, he told me right off the bat that he's NOT single. Him and his girlfriend were  having intimacy issues and was just looking to hook up and regular booty call to satisfy his sexual needs but he had zero intention of leaving her since he still loves her. He asked me if i was okay with that. Of course i said NO thanks. I  appreciated his honesty and the fact that he didn't lead me on and give me false hope. So I guess most MM know that most women will run if they phrase it like that. . This is my first time getting involved with a MM. I now know most MM will not be that honest after joining this forum and read other OW stories

Also, another married co worker tried to start an affair with me 2 years ago and I turned down his advances as I had already knew he is married. So i generally don't get involved with taken men because I know I will want more from a man.  I've told MM few times that I wish he were free.

I believe the universe sends us people to teach us lessons. If we don't learn the lesson, the universe will keep sending  another similar person until we finally learn the lesson.Just like my previous relationship with duds and guys who were not right for me, I've learned from this experience. I now learned that Men lie. If I meet a man who is separated but still living together, I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole.  He needs to have his own place before i consider anything with him. Or else I will  find myself in this same situation again 

With that being said, I'm open to all views and advice that pertains to my question. But for those who are looking to discuss the morality of infidelity or their personal opinions it, please start your own thread. This thread  is not about that. Thanks

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, MrsTiffany said:

Generally most people would agree that it's not an intent when you don't know that you're the OW. That's self explanatory. What we are saying is, sometimes there are some underlying issues that pushed us into that direction and once you're you're hooked, it's hard to break away as it becomes an addiction. After  reading stories of  other single OW's in this forum , I noticed that most attempt to break it off a few times until they finally break it off for good. Every time you try to walk away, your brain starts to craving the  oxytocin when adjusting to a new normal.  Then you start craving for that that notification on  your cell phone . Once you get that quick fix  you start feeling rubbish when the reality hit again. I know it's hard to understand  for someone who has never been in this situation.

In my case I was naive, too trusting, depressed and not thinking clearly. I didn't go in with expectations, all i thought was , He's  going separation , I guess we will go with the flow and see where this leads. Had MM came out and said he had no intention of leaving and him and his SO are still totally together but was just bored and looking for some fun on the side, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him. As a matter of fact of fact, I had a man proposed that offer in the past.  Once he called me, he told me right off the bat that he's NOT single. Him and his girlfriend were  having intimacy issues and was just looking to hook up and regular booty call to satisfy his sexual needs but he had zero intention of leaving her since he still loves her. He asked me if i was okay with that. Of course i said NO thanks. I  appreciated his honesty and the fact that he didn't lead me on and give me false hope. So I guess most MM know that most women will run if they phrase it like that. . This is my first time getting involved with a MM. I now know most MM will not be that honest after joining this forum and read other OW stories

Also, another married co worker tried to start an affair with me 2 years ago and I turned down his advances as I had already knew he is married. So i generally don't get involved with taken men because I know I will want more from a man.  I've told MM few times that I wish he were free.

I believe the universe sends us people to teach us lessons. If we don't learn the lesson, the universe will keep sending  another similar person until we finally learn the lesson.Just like my previous relationship with duds and guys who were not right for me, I've learned from this experience. I now learned that Men lie. If I meet a man who is separated but still living together, I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole.  He needs to have his own place before i consider anything with him. Or else I will  find myself in this same situation again 

With that being said, I'm open to all views and advice that pertains to my question. But for those who are looking to discuss the morality of infidelity or their personal opinions it, please start your own thread. This thread  is not about that. Thanks

Well you can't have a discuss about extramartial affairs without discussing the morality of infidelity. That's actually impossible. And of course we're going to offer our personal opinions. We are not robots. If you want a robotic response, post to a forum of bots, not a forum where real people respond. This thread IS about the morality of infidelity and your choice of going that route with a married man. You make excuses for yourself, and you justify staying with him. So, if you aren't going to leave him, what kind of advice do you need?

[MrsTiffany]

48 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well you can't have a discuss about extramartial affairs without discussing the morality of infidelity. That's actually impossible. And of course we're going to offer our personal opinions. We are not robots. If you want a robotic response, post to a forum of bots, not a forum where real people respond. This thread IS about the morality of infidelity and your choice of going that route with a married man. You make excuses for yourself, and you justify staying with him. So, if you aren't going to leave him, what kind of advice do you need?

Umm..I did not ask if getting involved with MM is morally okay or not. Most people already answered my question in my OP and i've concluded it's best to let MM go before I pursue another relationship which was the advice i came here for in the first place. Now it's turning into back and fourth debate about morality and judgement. We already know that Affairs are not okay but what's done is done. ripping us to shreads will not change anything.. I actually liked how you and others where actually giving advice pertaining to my question. But now this thread took a different turn

Edited September 25, 2020 by MrsTiffany

[SincereOnlineGuy]

7 minutes ago, MrsTiffany said:

Umm..I did not ask if getting involved with MM is morally okay or not. Most people already answered my question in my OP and i've concluded it's best to let MM go before I pursue another relationship which was the advice i came here for in the first place.

The reason you DO this, is because  "Mister Right"  is not...  ever...  looking for romance within somebody else's relationship.

 

But that should have been instinctive.

 

 

[DKT3]

Short answer to your question is not likely the answer you want.

If you're involved with a married man and looking to find Mr Right to pull you out you're Ms Wrong and not really worthy of Mr right.  Get your stuff together,  so you will actually be in a position to have a honest relationship with the right guy.

If you happened to meet him today you would fk it up because you're not ready or willing to quit with this MM. It pretty simple really.  You have to be Ms right to get Mr right. 

[BaileyB]

And not to state the obvious, but how exactly is it going to go when you start your next relationship by lying (perhaps by omission) about your last relationship. 

This is not judgment, it’s sincere advice. I would suggest that if you want to be considered an honest and trustworthy relationship partner, you should BE an honest and trustworthy relationship partner. If you WANT an honest and trustworthy partner, you will need to BE and honest and trustworthy partner. Own your decision to have this affair. Be transparent, and then share what you have learned about yourself through this relationship. I would tell my partner - I made a mistake. I trusted unwisely and I was burned. I should have ended it earlier, but I didn’t. I stayed far too long but I have learned from this experience. Never again, will I be involved with a married man. Never, will I cheat on my partner. I know now what I want in a partner. I know now what I will not tolerate in a relationship. I know now what I need to do to be a good partner - which is why I want to start this relationship on the right foot - by being honest and transparent. No more dishonesty. 

No more of this “you don’t chose you fall in love with...” and “these things happen...” and “once you develop feelings, it’s like and addiction and there is not much you can do...” stuff. You are not a victim here. You will not convince us. And I’m not judging you, I am encouraging you. I am trying to empower you! As pepperbird said, take back your own power! As they say, adjust your crown and get busy creating the life you really want! 

Edited September 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Not to be contrary, but - I'm not sure I agree with many of the generalizations made in a few of the posts above. The reason is, I think in actual reality there are many counter-examples. I think these fall more under the umbrella of "ideally it would be true that".

Certainly not all relationships are perfect. Some go the distance despite flaws. Others start out ideal but then people change and/or life throws curveballs, etc.

Make of that what you will, OP.

[MrsTiffany]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And not to state the obvious, but how exactly is it going to go when you start your next relationship by lying (perhaps by omission) about your last relationship. 

This is not judgment, it’s sincere advice. I would suggest that if you want to be considered an honest and trustworthy relationship partner, you should BE an honest and trustworthy relationship partner. If you WANT an honest and trustworthy partner, you will need to BE and honest and trustworthy partner. Own your decision to have this affair. Be transparent, and then share what you have learned about yourself through this relationship. I would tell my partner - I made a mistake. I trusted unwisely and I was burned. I should have ended it earlier, but I didn’t. I stayed far too long but I have learned from this experience. Never again, will I be involved with a married man. Never, will I cheat on my partner. I know now what I want in a partner. I know now what I will not tolerate in a relationship. I know now what I need to do to be a good partner - which is why I want to start this relationship on the right foot - by being honest and transparent. No more dishonesty. 

No more of this “you don’t chose you fall in love with...” and “these things happen...” and “once you develop feelings, it’s like and addiction and there is not much you can do...” stuff. You are not a victim here. You will not convince us. And I’m not judging you, I am encouraging you. I am trying to empower you! As pepperbird said, take back your own power! As they say, adjust your crown and get busy creating the life you really want! 

I respectfully disagree, who ever I was previously involved with is none of their  business. I don't owe them that information. So I'm telling.I don't care what anyone says. What they don't know won't hurt them.

Whenever  I meet a potential partner, all i need to know is, if they are physically and emotionally available. That's  a good start.  Ofcourse other things like compatibility etc follows. so I may ask when was the last time they were involved with someone. But If they chose to disclose  more details about their previous relationship, it's up to them. I  personally don't sought that information.  They're with me now and I will judge their actions going if they're right for me. You and others  already stated it would be a huge red flag as it indicates being comfortable with dishonesty and  should give anyone a pause when considering a new relationship. so why should I give anyone reasons to have doubts and I wonder if I will cheat on them before we even  enter a relationship ?Who would want to start relationship having that at the back of their mind? And if I'm being honest, if potential partner tells me that they were knowingly involved in an affair, that would turn me off too and I wouldn't feel comfortable pursing a serious relationship with them. I know that sounds hypocritical but whatever.But then again, they could choose to Omit that info and I will never know.

Of course  I learned from this experience but the best thing would be to say nothing. Because no amount of explanation will convince them..just like you said 'I will not convince you" It's black and white issue, you knowingly carried on an affair with married men. Those totally normal 3 am texts and dirty pics and secrete meetings are not a mistake and  as some of you said. It's going to look bad no matter what anyone says, as this thread backed that up. I can't change my past but I can change my future.

And I never said I'm a helpless the victim and there's nothing I can do to get out. I clearly stated in my post upthread that looking back I shouldn't have gotten involved loved with him when I found out he still lives with her. that's when I should have walked away .Once i got attached it was hard to disengage. Ending affairs is hard.Otherwise this section in this   forum wouldn't be dedicated to women and man who are struggling to get out Affairs. But only those who can relate will understand so take it as you will. Things are not as simple as they appear on the surface and the root of myself esteem and self worth issues goes much deeper than I'm willing to share here because as I said those who can't relate will never understand. And it's something that I've been in working in therapy for years as I endured deep trauma .Again, just saying..not making excuses or not taking any responsibility in part in it,  so don't nobody come at me with that. I can still explain myself and still accept my responsibility in it.. They don't have to be mutually exclusive

Which is the reason why I stated that I didn't want this thread to turn into moral debate . I know how it goes. It's perceived as black and white no if buts,  so there's really no point to beat a dead horse which why I came here to get the advice pertains to my question and I didn't come here with the intention to explain myself. I might as well just talk to brick wall

Regardless of whatever underlying reasons that influenced me to carry on being a secrete for 3 years, participating in  unhealthy and self destructive behaviour,  I knew what was doing. I wasn't held hostage and MM didn't hold a gun in my head and force me to carry on..I do own that, in case I didn't make that clear.  . 

[DKT3]

So what you've said is you're not above tricking a man into a relationship with you? This is actually really troubling and shows a continued poor decision making process.  You simply are not emotionally mature enough to have and maintain a healthy relationship. 

 

[Dork Vader]

On 9/22/2020 at 5:57 PM, MrsTiffany said:

I've been with MM for over 3 years..I tried to walk few times only for us to start seeing other again.lately i keep having that nagging feeling to end it. I'm wanting more from him but at the same time, we get along well, no heaches..single guys give me headeche so I'm scared to go out there..it's brutal and hard to find the right men. Anyone who is single and in the dating world knows what i'm talking about lol. Part of me has desire to start dating but can't let MM go. is it possible to continue seeing MM while searching for available men? or would i have to to let MM go  first?

You're emotionally unavailable and want to try and date? Are you joking? You openly admit to being unavailable. Even if you end things with the MM tomorrow, you will need time to process things and move forward from the end of that relationship. 

[EPC82]

MrsTiffany,

From where I stand (trying to pull myself out of this, like you) the most important thing is to forgive yourself and know that this doesn't define you.

We are queens and we will straighten our crowns and we will come out on top. We just need to learn to love ourselves first. 

I think a lot of people on here enjoy their moral high ground and love looking down on us from the pedestal they've built themselves and perhaps don't realize how life works. The vast majority of people have cheated. The. Vast. Majority. If everyone disclosed their dishonest behaviour we would all be alone. Perhaps its that they can't self reflect and consider their own internal garbage that makes them less than perfect. 

Let's just focus on being better versions of ourselves. Haters gonna hate. Thats life. 

 

🙂

[pepperbird2]

op,

think of yourself ten years from now. Do you think you'll view the affair as being a  positive or negative for you? Do you feel like you're wasting your time? If you feel like you are, that likely will not change. Why do you stay with him? Is it fear, inertia or just that he, at some level, is "safe" and easy?

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, MrsTiffany said:

 You and others  already stated it would be a huge red flag as it indicates being comfortable with dishonesty and  should give anyone a pause when considering a new relationship. so why should I give anyone reasons to have doubts and I wonder if I will cheat on them before we even  enter a relationship? Who would want to start relationship having that at the back of their mind?

Indeed it would be a huge red flag and almost certainly sabotage your chances with any new partner.

I'm not dating, but speaking for myself I wouldn't continue with a partner who carried on a 3 year PA. No way, no how. The reason is simple - I have other options. It's like job interviewing, IF there is a significant flaw you move on to the next candidate.

If it was just an EA and you resisted going physical or you live in a podunk town where you're the only game in town, or if I was some beta male with terminal insecurity who didn't have good chances in the dating pool, MAYBE. In my actual reality, forget it. And that's how it would almost certainly go for you with any quality man.

Telling later like after 5 years or what have you is a mistake too as then "why didn't you tell me for so long" becomes a red flag as well.

In your case, this call for honesty, while it may be well intentioned in theory, is most definitely the sort of thing that sounds good on paper but doesn't work in reality.

I disagree that starting from a place of dishonesty about this specific issue is some sort of mistake in your case. By all means seek IC and get yourself to a place where you can be a safe partner as much as you can. But if you don't want to be discarded by your next potential partner, not mentioning the 3 year PA is in fact the only option you have.

Edited September 26, 2020 by mark clemson

[MrsTiffany]

5 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

think of yourself ten years from now. Do you think you'll view the affair as being a  positive or negative for you? Do you feel like you're wasting your time? If you feel like you are, that likely will not change. Why do you stay with him? Is it fear, inertia or just that he, at some level, is "safe" and easy?

I definitely Don't want to be in the same place 10 years from now . I've tried breaking it off with MM 4 times now and everytime  it's because to start feeling discontent and think about the future. I ask myself if i see myself in the same place  years from now ? And by then  I might have tossed out my ability to have a family

Do I feel like  I'm wasting my time?

Yes,definitely as I know it won't ever move past what we have. And he has already said that leaving  his family is not an option as it will be too expensive for him to live alone. And him and his So own a big house and their 2 kids have their own rooms so i know he isn't going anywhere. And my association with him is causing further delay in my life. And those  3 years could have been used to work on myself so I  can be at right place to attract an available man. but i have delayed that process by continue to see him

Why do I stay with him?

Well, Initially, I didn't go in with a lot of expectations as i was just going with the flow and see where things leads and he was a great distraction to what was going through, Then at some  point he felt safe because I've been hurt so much in my past relationships. With MM it has always been consistence than with the single men I've been with previously. What I mean by that is, some blow hot and cold flakes etc. It can be complicated.

But With MM We share short visits where we both can put our best foot forward at all times during the visit without having to deal with ANY of life's mundane realities. We both look forward to our time together. I prepare well in advance and get excited for each visit. I dressed up and always look my absolute best for him. When we're  together it's all about romance. There are no chores to do, no bills to pay, no boredom. He is never mean or rude.We never fought. We have great conversation. He never made any demands or give me any  headache/stress. .

Then I could still go back and live my life and I've always been someone who like to have their own space. so at some point I felt like  safer with him  than a single guy because   dating isn't always rainbows and sunshine.  which why stayed this long with him

But eventually once the newest weared off,, I started wanting more from him. and started thinking about the future and fantasizing what our life would like ...if only he was available. I started wanting much more which he can't give and my discontent of not having him fully started growing to point where I would break it off. And every time I express my discontent and  I tell him want more than he can give. And he tells me he understands etc

Then days apart i  start missing  him. So he either gets in touch and we get back contact and i tell myself i will just see him one more time and tell myself I will end it for good right after. which doesn't always work as it hooks me again after getting that  quick fix like an addiction and then I  start feeling discontent  once the reality hits again.... Which is why I failed to stick to it so far. Even last time when i said good bye over texts. We exchanged few words  which was when i asked him what he was hoping to get out of this when he had no intention of leaving. That's when he insisted that they really  planned to split when he met me  but decided to work things out for the kids. And he said he thought about letting me go so many times because he felt so bad since he can't give me what i want and deserve but he couldn't do it. And was he just waiting for me to make that  decision.Then we decided to meet in person for coffee to discuss it as he said he would be able to explain it more clearly in person than texts. I had already started missing him by then so i agreed. The rest was history because we went right  back into full blown A. It was ecxitment again . But  then sometimes I think about him being with his family  when he is not with me and i feel jealous. Especially whenever i see a family together out in public, I think of MM. And wonder is he still sleeping with is SO which he likely is. What are they doing? And all that stuff.  It's a constant highs and lows. I  know that I'm just prolonging the inevitable. And the  end is approaching  because it's  getting to that point where staying hurts more than leaving

 

 

 

 

[Luna66star]

We all know about the morality issue of being involved with a MM.  The lesson I learned that is that these men will manipulate us into thinking they want us.  The fact our vulnerability was so apparent to them is why they targeted us and the reason we get drawn in.  They filled a desperate need in us.  

In hindsight, I was easily manipulated into this situation.  It was an emotional roller coaster that took me down to the dungeons of hell and back.

The truth of the matter is that I made a very wrong and inappropriate decision to get involved with a MM.  It was a first experience and I claimed I didn't know any better.

Well ... now I do know better.  Never again if my life depends on it.  In fact I wont even go near a separated man or one going through a divorce.  

 

 

 

 

 

[Bittersweetie]

I would think, at this point in time, the best use of your time and mental energy would be moving toward being the best person you can be. So that you are ready when/if you do meet Mr. Right. Do you think that everything you described above...wanting more from him, your discontent, your jealousy...is a positive use of your time and mental energy? Are those thoughts helping you move forward in life? From reading your posts, I'm not sure they are, but you have the power to take those thoughts and turn them to create positive change for yourself. It will not be easy, but in my experience, while I am far from perfect, I am much happier and content now than I ever was when I was in the affair. Good luck.