I think I am starting to let go

[Negotaurus]

- I am looking for a way to get out my unhealthy thoughts, hoping this will help - 

I don't know anymore. I have gotten hurt to the point that there is nothing he can do to hurt me anymore. I don't care. All the good times I cannot think back at with any emotion, expect for embarrassment, because of the disgusting cheating and lying. He cheated on me with an ugly tramp online, couldn't even do it properly, she was one who would barely even give him attention. He would stare at any woman that had a pulse like a pervert, even when I was next to him. He would look for women online whenever he had spare time like a creep with no life. He tried to meet up with his ex behind my back. He made me think I was crazy and needed therapy for ever being suspicious. 

After a year of him stabbing me in the back, I just somehow knew. And the truth came out. Well, not really. He continued to trickle-truth, lie and shift blame for the next 2 months. Looking back, I do not understand why I stayed. I think I was just in shock and severely traumatised. And I was completely alone. So instead of being rational or making sense, I stayed. What followed were 3 months of hell. I was in complete denial, I cannot even remember it anymore. I became very promiscuous, I wanted to prove myself that I was worth more than the whores whom he cheated on me with. I fell so low. He made me believe I was to blame for his actions. Because I was a "bad girlfriend". He simply saw it as "self love". 

I sound bitter and hateful but I cannot hate him. I hate what has happened. It has been 9 months since I found out. He is living with me, here, working and sleeping next to me, because I let him come here. I don't know why. We have had terrible fights. I have ended up with black eyes and bloody face, while he has lost half of his hair. Horrible things have been said and done. I cannot hate him. I want to stop being selfish. I want to stop being afraid of being alone, I want to stop crying because I fear never seeing him again. I want to be selfless and let us both go. So we could leave this horrible relationship behind. I have to say, I don't actually regret anything.. My previous relationship was horribly toxic as well, and I believe I finally found my boundaries. I finally respect myself. I love myself. I want to protect myself, he won't, somebody has to. I have amazing pets who adore me. I have finally fixed my issues with my family. Autumn is beautiful, the leaves are so colourful and the sun is out. I have a lot going for me. Yet I have been selling myself short. 

He has been doing a lot better. He's changed from a cheating punk to a pretty thoughtful gentleman. Not fully, but he is on a better track. He has realised how stupid he has been. He did heavy drugs, drove drunk, lied. He truly has changed a lot and I am proud of him. I want him to go and be happy. Everything we have done has taken a toll on me, sometimes I want to run away to my parents, hug them and just hide. I feel broken but I am more or less okay with it, I think it makes me human and in the end, I know I will come out 10x better. I still have so much love inside me, nobody is going to take that from me. I cry but I don't think it's out of pain, I think I cry because I have a lot of hope for myself. And I am grateful for this experience. I want to let it go with love. I'm just not entirely sure how. But I will get there. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you gotten therapy for all the abuse? Was he incarcerated for the assaults?

[Negotaurus]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you gotten therapy for all the abuse? Was he incarcerated for the assaults?

I simply do not have enough money for therapy. And I think placing charges would be vile of me to do because I have gotten physical, too. 

[basil67]

Dear girl, you’re only early 20’s and not even married to this guy.  Why do you stay?  Surely it’s  wiser to walk away.   And when you walk, spend time healing and working out why you choose bad guys before you start over. 

[notbroken]

I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds like you have some PTSD.    Leave this guy.  For both you and him.  Vow to never lay your hands on another person in anger ever again - and don't.   NEVER allow anyone to do that to you either.  Leave immediately.  It is just too dangerous.   Go back to your parents if you need to.  Anywhere.  Soon (ie. NOW). 

[Negotaurus]

17 hours ago, notbroken said:

I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds like you have some PTSD.    Leave this guy.  For both you and him.  Vow to never lay your hands on another person in anger ever again - and don't.   NEVER allow anyone to do that to you either.  Leave immediately.  It is just too dangerous.   Go back to your parents if you need to.  Anywhere.  Soon (ie. NOW). 

I don't know what it is but something is definitely wrong. I never even hurt a fly. But in bad moments I simply lost myself, I don't know how to explain it. Hyperventilating, shaking, and then sometimes uncontrollable anger. The pain grew so strong I didn't know what to do besides lashing out. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I never thought I had it in me.

Leaving, even if I make the decision to end everything, is very complicated. I have created such a mess. We were long distance for most of the time, he moved to me a couple of months ago. He has a job here, he signed a contract for 2 years. He is in debt, his parents simply dropped him onto me. I've been supporting us both. I absolutely KNEW this would happen before he even moved here, I did nothing to stop it. I just let it all happen. 

[Negotaurus]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

Dear girl, you’re only early 20’s and not even married to this guy.  Why do you stay?  Surely it’s  wiser to walk away.   And when you walk, spend time healing and working out why you choose bad guys before you start over. 

I've always known that I should leave, that I am hurting myself and him. I have known this relationship is not right from the start. But I just don't leave. I don't really know why. My theory is that I just don't want to abandon anyone because I felt so abandoned myself. Growing up I had no support, my parents made me look for help for my sick pet when I was 13. But I couldn't drive or pay for anything, so a few weeks later, the pet ended up dying in my lap after heavy seizures. My parents ignored everything. When I got bullied in school, when I struggled with studies, I had no help. And to this day I am actually afraid of asking for help. I always think that people will get angry with me. 

Edited September 24, 2020 by Negotaurus

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

 I never even hurt a fly.

But you beat each other up? Get to a doctor this could be anything... brain tumor, siezure disorder, psychiatric disorder, etc.. Are either of you heavy drug/alcohol users? It's not ok for either of you to  keep assaulting each other. Don't feed yourself the "I'm so forgiving" BS.

[vla1120]

On 9/23/2020 at 3:46 AM, Negotaurus said:

I believe I finally found my boundaries. I finally respect myself. I love myself. I want to protect myself.....

You're doing better, but you're not quite there yet because if you truly found your boundaries and respected, loved and wanted to protect yourself, you would end this relationship right now. Do not stay because he moved there with a 2-year contract, he's in debt and his parents dropped him on you. That's not your problem. He is not your problem. In this situation, you need to do what is best for YOU. Of course, the easy thing to do is to just stay. That is less of an inconvenience to everyone (except you.) By staying, however, you could find yourself in this mad, vicious cycle for years to come. That is not what you want, I am sure. I understand if you cannot afford therapy. What about free support groups? Can you find a support group in your area? It could be either recovering from domestic abuse (whether or not you also hit him) or it could be a support group for people involved with addicts. This would give you a safe place to talk about everything you have been through, and it would be a way for you to start healing with the help of a support group. You need a fresh start - a new beginning. 

[Negotaurus]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

But you beat each other up? Get to a doctor this could be anything... brain tumor, siezure disorder, psychiatric disorder, etc.. Are either of you heavy drug/alcohol users? It's not ok for either of you to  keep assaulting each other. Don't feed yourself the "I'm so forgiving" BS.

What am I supposed to feed myself. That I’m a bad person? I know what I have done, what I don’t know is why or how. I’ve forgiven him, I have not forgiven myself. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Negotaurus said:

What am I supposed to feed myself. That I’m a bad person? I know what I have done, what I don’t know is why or how. I’ve forgiven him, I have not forgiven myself. 

I'm going to be really politically incorrect and suggest that some people have the capability to bring out our worst.   I knew one guy who was chill to a fault but had this nutcase girlfriend who could make him really shouty with her over dramatic behaviour.  

If you have a history of abusive behaviour, get yourself into therapy.  If you don't have a history of abusive behaviour, end the relationship, start your healing and learn to recognise when to walk away.

Edited September 25, 2020 by basil67

[Negotaurus]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm going to be really politically incorrect and suggest that some people have the capability to bring out our worst.   I knew one guy who was chill to a fault but had this nutcase girlfriend who could make him really shouty with her over dramatic behaviour.  

If you have a history of abusive behaviour, get yourself into therapy.  If you don't have a history of abusive behaviour, end the relationship, start your healing and learn to recognise when to walk away.

I definitely don't have history of that kind. Most people know me as very gentle and kind. I volunteer for shelters and elderly homes, knit and draw when bored. I was as calm as they come. I think the trauma in itself broke something in me, I felt like I exploded. I am not qualified to give out any diagnoses myself but I say trauma because I feel traumatised. I can't wear green, my favourite colour, because her panties apparently were green. Words hurt me. Smells, memories etc. It's not normal. 

Rationally I know when to walk away, I should have walked away from the beginning. For whatever reason, I didn't. I knew it was toxic, unhealthy, I knew he was messed up, sorry to be blunt, I knew all of it. 

I know things are changing. I have started making lists of pros and cons, sounds like nothing but I was so afraid of doing it for so long. I wrote a scripts for a break up letter because I will NOT do it in person. I fear I'm too big of a coward and it might turn into a very bad fight. Mum has backed me up a lot, my health has deteriorated tremendously over the last couple of months and she has paid for some of my doctor appointments. I think next week I will also confide in her and tell her I need to beak up with him. I need support of some kind. 

[Negotaurus]

13 hours ago, vla1120 said:

You're doing better, but you're not quite there yet because if you truly found your boundaries and respected, loved and wanted to protect yourself, you would end this relationship right now. Do not stay because he moved there with a 2-year contract, he's in debt and his parents dropped him on you. That's not your problem. He is not your problem. In this situation, you need to do what is best for YOU. Of course, the easy thing to do is to just stay. That is less of an inconvenience to everyone (except you.) By staying, however, you could find yourself in this mad, vicious cycle for years to come. That is not what you want, I am sure. I understand if you cannot afford therapy. What about free support groups? Can you find a support group in your area? It could be either recovering from domestic abuse (whether or not you also hit him) or it could be a support group for people involved with addicts. This would give you a safe place to talk about everything you have been through, and it would be a way for you to start healing with the help of a support group. You need a fresh start - a new beginning. 

A fresh start sounds incredibly bittersweet to me. I have hope that I would do well but I am terrified. 

[Negotaurus]

I don't remember what I did a week ago, the days just go by. I don't remember my summer vacation either. My birthday from two weeks ago is starting to fade. I'm missing out on life but I don't know how to tell him to go so I could take part in my own life again. Well, I know "how". What I seem to struggle with is "why", even though I know the answer. Why the hell does it not resonate with me, though.