Name calling

[JoeM83]

Recently, I've felt that my wife has been distant to me. I told her this and we got into a minor argument about it, which I came out of feeling insecure. We were talking today, and I said something to the effect of "we'll never get divorced, right," and she paused and said she hopes not but there are things that might lead to it such as name-calling. She brought up that I recently called her a f***ing complainer during an argument. I absolutely acknowledge that was wrong, and that I should try not to do that, but do you think I'm being held to a standard that I have a chance of meeting? I'd say something like the above happens every few months. We have two little kids and with everything else going on in the world things have been extra stressful. She acknowledges that I've gotten much better at not doing this, but I'm honestly concerned that in the heat of the moment I may occasionally say things like this. Again, I totally acknowledge that these words are not okay, but I'm not sure I'll ever be perfect here. I'm just trying to figure out if this is a reasonable request, or is she searching for a rationale to end the marriage. I love her very much, so I don't want this to happen, but at the same time, I don't want to fight this if it is inevitable. Thanks in advance for your advice.

[mark clemson]

JMO, people need to be forgiven for that in the heat of an argument. If it starts happening as a matter of course (or if arguments do), then it would be a problem. 3/x year not so much IMO. I have a thick skin compared to some, though and everyone is different.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, JoeM83 said:

Recently, I've felt that my wife has been distant to me. I told her this and we got into a minor argument about it, which I came out of feeling insecure. We were talking today, and I said something to the effect of "we'll never get divorced, right," and she paused and said she hopes not but there are things that might lead to it such as name-calling. 

My guess is that swearing is not welcomed, and it hurts her, but that it's far from the only issue. 

You say she's been distant so I imagine there's more to this than angry words said in the heat of the moment. What other problems have cropped up between you and her, and and how long have you felt this growing rift between you and her? 

[Goodguy05]

Is there more to just the swearing and name calling? Is there any other underlying issues ?

[schlumpy]

Give us an example of something your wife says that would cause you to respond the way you did.

[d0nnivain]

I can't believe somebody would threaten divorce over occasional name calling in the heat of the moment.  

You called her a complainer   You didn't call her a vulgar word.  OK you swore which wasn't great but gee whiz you were upset.  It was an argument.  

There has to be a LOT more to this then a slip of the tongue.  You best get to the bottom of it & learn to communicate better with each other so every problem doesn't devolve into a fight. 

For now, try sending her some flowers.  Show her she's appreciated.  

[elaine567]

Some people are raised in environments where no-one swears or where people who love each other will not swear at each other, so they take it to heart when the person who is supposed to love them and have their back, calls them a "f*cking complainer".
What was she complaining about? Was it valid? Were you just trying to shut her up?
Women who feel they are not listened to, will disengage and go quiet/distant.
Women tend to like connection, and name calling and arguing can quickly derail that connection.

[Wiseman2]

You are verbally abusive. Marriage therapy could help you out. It's pretty bad when you are already kicking the word "divorce" around.

The contempt, anger, arguments and verbal abuse are all just symptoms of much bigger problems.

And no, there's no free pass or reason you forgive or forget here. It's bad advice to claim everyone needs a thick skin.

Your marriage is hanging by a thread. Pay attention. Get help with conflict resolution that doesn't devolve into these character assassinations.

The next time you lose your temper and start berating your wife, she'll be on the phone with a lawyer.

Edited September 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[emprosnet7]

She gave you a warning flag,  try to improve communication and stop the name calling 

[amerikajin]

I think women are more sensitive to this than men. A guy can call another guy an a-hole - even friends and brothers - and find ways to get over it. But nobody likes getting called a name by their lover, especially women. Romantic love is very much about image, and having someone you hold in high regard degrade you with a name, even if it is an honest heat-of-the-moment thing, is going to lower your image in their eyes.

Pledge that you'll try to find more constructive ways to deal with frustration.

[Caauug]

On 9/24/2020 at 8:54 AM, JoeM83 said:

She brought up that I recently called her a f***ing complainer during an argument.

Maybe she is, but she doesn't want to be told she is. That is one way she communicates to you, as some other ways have failed she has resorted to complaining. 

On 9/24/2020 at 8:54 AM, JoeM83 said:

I'm honestly concerned that in the heat of the moment I may occasionally say things like this.

Arguments are hard and should be avoided at all costs. When you feel yourself or your wife being hot headed, force yourself to shut up and count to ten while remembering on who is important in your life. Pretend what comes out of your mouth next will be the last words you will ever say to her. (This takes some conditioning on your part, force it)

Discussions are more constructive. Listening and trying to understand your partners view (even without offering a fix) might be all that is required. Most of the times she just wants to express her feelings, sometimes a small task/change is required. Don't forget to express your views to her in a non-destructive manner, it is important for both partners to have their feelings/views expressed. 

Don't be afraid to say "No" if what she wants is against what you believe is best for the family. Calmly explain yourself why you think that. She will likely respect you for it. You both should have boundaries and be able to express them clearly and they be respected by the other partner.

On 9/24/2020 at 8:54 AM, JoeM83 said:

I said something to the effect of "we'll never get divorced, right," and she paused and said she hopes not but there are things that might lead to it....

Try to understand her needs are different than yours, she loves you in a different way as you love her. Arguments, name calling, yelling etc has all taken it's toll on her love for you, that is why she paused..... The next pause might be when she is opening the door to file for divorce at her lawyer's office..... 

Hot headed arguments, name calling and yelling in the heat of the moment are all childish. She married you because you were a man, not a child (she has two of her own now she doesn't need you being one), time to be a adult man and take control of your emotions. She needs you to be strong, calm and in control.

Disney and the fairly tail ending is all a big lie, she is not the "Damsel in distress". With 2 little kids in a divorce she would likely come out better than you.... As stated above, this is your warning.